she’s always going to love blue, and i think that’s the thing she most has to come to terms with. hikari is a very romantic person by nature, and she really, truly believes in love and its power. she believes in true love, and she believes that a person’s first love changes them a lot. she believes that it always kind of sticks with you, and that that’s normal and okay.
there were a lot of boys before blue, but none of them were boys she loved. her feelings for ash were very simple and juvenile, and it’s mostly significant in that she never fully got over him. even now his perceived abandonment is a sore spot - but that isn’t even about ash at this point, and it probably never really was. that’s got her shit with her dad written all over it. then there’s barry, who she always sort of thought she might love but then never did - it was like she was always waiting for it? like, this is what happens when a boy and a girl grow up together... they fall in love eventually, right? that’s how the story goes?
but she never felt that way about barry. i do hc that barry was her first kiss when they were little (like, six or seven lol), but it was more that romantic stories sort of taught her that this was the pattern and she then expected to follow it. but she didn’t. even with kouki, her love for him is strictly platonic.
there were a lot of boys before blue. but blue was 100% her first love, and that’s not something that changes. she’ll never have another first love -- he’ll always have that claim to her, and to hikari that will always hold a certain significance. like it or not, a little piece of her is always going to be his because these things mean something to her.
what she’s learned in the past year or so is that while first love is static, true love isn’t. blue was and still is her first love, and for a while there he was her “one true love”. it makes sense, and it’s a nice, romantic notion: that your first love gets to be the same as your true love. the thing is that she now has to reconcile that there’s not really any such thing as one true love, and blue doesn’t get to hold that pedestal anymore. it isn’t even that hilbert holds it now, it’s more that the pedestal just doesn’t exist anymore. like... she’s come to a place recently where she’s deciding that true love can happen more than once, in different ways, and that’s okay.
she loves hilbert. i think we’re probably at that point now, and it’s safe for her to say it. she loves hilbert; she’s in love with hilbert. hilbert is her endgame. they’re coming up on a year in november, which is maybe alarming for them but not from an ooc perspective. they’ve worked for this; they’ve gone through some shit to come out where they are now, and they’ve made one another better for it.
so... it’s not really about getting over blue entirely, or acting like he never existed or was never apart of her life. he was, and he was significant. they grew together, they pushed one another, and she would 100% not be the person she is today if they hadn’t happened. she gets to still be a little in love with him, to still hold onto some of those feelings and remember them fondly -- within reason.
we’re just at a point where she has to feel around for where that boundary is.
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