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Missing Colors Tour
General Fiction
Date Published: August 25, 2020
Publisher: Three South Press
Friends since childhood, Logan Ritter and Hunter James are now only held together by family ties and a history of codependency. Logan is a doctoral student and teacher who wraps himself in work, Hunter’s parents, and his other long-time friend, Missy. Meanwhile, Hunter, struggling to balance his summer…
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Missing Colors Blitz
General Fiction
Date Published: August 25, 2020
Publisher: Three South Press
Friends since childhood, Logan Ritter and Hunter James are now only held together by family ties and a history of codependency. Logan is a doctoral student and teacher who wraps himself in work, Hunter’s parents, and his other long-time friend, Missy. Meanwhile, Hunter, struggling to balance his summer…
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Missing Colors
A painting of emotion held in my mind. I wish I could paint for you the colors swirling in my head. But, how do you paint a color you know not the name for? I can see them myself, I can talk of them as shades of others, I can give you my impressions, but I can’t give you their forms. I want to tell you anyways. Maybe my impressions or descriptions of shades will spark familiarity, and lead you to recognition. But, if it stalls, unfamiliar, and sparks no recognition, then you’ll have my impressions but not your understandings. So, I search for the names of all those colors I do not know. So that I might remake them for you. Let you see my painting, and feel it as a piece of art.
entry4
It’s Sunday~ Nothing happens on a Sunday!
Forgive me, but the spotlight for today’s post shines on Navy. Why? Because I like him so much, and I’m beginning to worry that I may not be the best thing for him. Tonight, I watched this Korean movie called The Beauty Inside. It was an amazing movie; the style, the characters, the story were all so captivating. The story in particular didn’t really have any correlation with my life right now. But the two main characters, at one point in the movie, one’s love ended up hurting the other. Ohhh, there it is. That was the common theme.
I admit, I don’t know much about love and I know I don’t love Navy; I just like him, a lot. It shows in the way he pops up in my mind during the day. When I wake up, I think, “I should say Good Morning.” If I did something and it was new for me, boring, tiring, exciting, saddening, maddening, or nonchalant, if I didn’t share it with him, I’d feel lonely and that’s not okay.
Sometimes, I know that if and when I do share a part of my day with him, he’s not going to be interested or he can’t afford to be. He’s tired, he works two jobs, he supports his mom and siblings, he’s trying his best to figure out a way for me to be...free(?), he has his own life to be worrying about. But I still want to be the one that he talks to every day, the one that he tells me what made him so mad that day, the one he texts at 2 in the morning while he’s sitting on a bench in the rain because I’m the one who can’t get through the night without him. ("You?”, I know, eye rolls ensue. And did I give away too much?) Often times, I’ll irritate him to the point where he threatens to leave me. That’s not hard to imagine, but I imagine it’s hard to bear.
I think that’s what’s wrong with me: I make it about me.
Even that last sentence was very egocentric. The trick is lying to myself that I did it in his best interest. See, that night, Navy was going through one of the hardest moment of his life —Probably. I’m sure there were harder moments but I didn’t know him during those times*— and I was going on about how I wanted to help him and how I needed him, how he promised me that we’d go to Korea then Japan, go to the Sakura Hanabi Festival, he’d cook me a 17-course meal with wine pairing, and that we’d be roommates together.** It was all about the things that he would do for —you guessed it— me. Like I said, I don’t know much about love, or any form of selflessness, and I think it shows the most when I’m talking to him. I feel so apologetic, disappointed, pathetic, and so, so angry. I wanted.. See? It’s always about what I wanted. There’s got to be a loophole around this..
I want him to be happy. I want him to be free. I want what he wants. But I also want to be all those things with and for him.
I say “But” because I’m pretty sure there’s a conflict of interests in there somewhere. It’s my own selfishness to keep harboring these feelings. And I will continue to be selfish. I’m sorry that I’m so selfish and that even though I’m probably not what you need, I still want to be in some corner of your life.
Sidenote: You know, the good thing about the internet is that it’s such a vast domain, I know he’d never come across this. But just in case, I’ll knock on some wood, or anything in my room that looks like it’s made of wood.
*Pretty sure that’s not how you use an em dash but I’m not a proper writer so what do I know.
**I hope that didn’t give away Navy’s, or my, identity. Fingers crossed.
carry on
in my dreams or death or other side or whatever, i am designing and building a synesthesia ai
