[ironflightlessbird-blog]

entry12

Hey, it’s been a while, I know.

I guess I just got caught up with school and finding a job.

Speaking of, I got the job at this tutoring center, which is great because it’s exactly what I’ve been wanting to do. My employer is not that much older than me and has been managing his own tutoring center for 3 years now. It’s pretty impressive and during the interview I asked him why he decided to do this instead of take the typical route of an entry-level job. He said he didn’t like how a kids were being taught and wanted to change that. Which is why I started to see myself working at the tutoring center (TC). Training starts this Friday so, wish me luck! 

Navy has officially moved out of his mom’s house. He bought a 2-story house and he’s currently rooming with Grey. He’s offered to let me stay if I ever need a place to stay. Sounds scary and exciting at the same time. It’s not the first time he’s moved out and lived on his own but it’s kind of cool that my timeline is overlapping in this event. I’m not physically with him, but if I ever look back one day when we’re just reminiscing, I can say, “Remember that time you moved out and you told me this and that?” I don’t know; I just think it’s kind of cool.

Up until this past Labor Day weekend, my life had felt like it was stuck in some storms and sometimes stranded in doldrums. I fought with Navy because I’d been so tired of the double standards in our confusing relationship. I hadn’t heard back from any of my interviews and school is just.. so overwhelming when nothing else seems to be working. But I got to go on a weekend trip to the beach; my parents allowed it because I was going with church people. It felt so good to get away from my parents, school and work (or lack thereof). I came back with a slight tan, some weight gain, and an unchanged attitude towards my parents.

I got the job down, now I just need to figure out the car, paying for school and moving out part.

That’s all for today.

[ironflightlessbird-blog]

entry11

Lately, it feels like I can’t do anything without making it about me.. To be honest, that’s how it’s always been. I feel like, my framework of reference draws this scenario for me when Navy says and does things a certain way, it means he doesn’t care about how I feel, or just me. When he says he’s tired, he’s already got enough to deal with, or when the way he speaks to me when he’s upset at me, my frame of reference tells me that I’m the only one that bothers to care between us two and I’m being disrespected in that sense. 

So where does this way of thinking come from? I did a little soul-searching and well, to be honest, I didn’t come up with much material. This situation is so new that my brain automatically wants to categorize this event similar to how my dad would treat me. I’m not saying that Navy is like my dad, they’re two very different people, but in my mind, the things that stuck out to me the most about the two very different people, the lecturing and strong expression of discontent, stirred the same kind of anger and discontent. Two different situations and I approached them in a similar way without a second thought.

I’m glad I spoke up about my feelings, but I’m ashamed at the voice I used. There’s no shame in speaking for yourself when you feel you were wronged and wanting to make it known; that’s not what Navy was mad about (I think). But because of the way I was being treated and for the reasons I thought I was being treated a certain way, I let my emotions run my mouth. There are better, and worse, ways to express oneself but I chose the latter because I wanted to inflict hurt, the same kind I'd experienced. I thought it was completely justified because of the the hurt that I’d experienced. For all those times I’d been lectured or felt like I’d been talked down to, I just wanted one moment where I had the upper hand, where I could point a finger, where I could say, “I’m justified in this because you did the same when the roles were swapped”.

My frame of reference had categorized my interactions with Navy, an unfamiliar and a recently foreign entity, in the same box as others who have ever lectured me, made me feel small and powerless, and called me out. It’s why I talked back, made snarky, rude comments, when I strongly believed that I had been wronged, all I wanted was some form of retribution. It’s my fault, really, because I chose to categorize him based on the things I chose to focus on. And at the first signs of what I thought were familiar pains, I chose to react accordingly, even when he didn’t deserve it.

That’s not how you should treat a family member, a friend, a lover, or even a stranger. I’ve violated what it means to turn the other cheek, I’ve not learned to love my enemies, be the embodiment of God’s love and just be a friend. I felt unnecessary and unneeded; I lashed out because I had forgotten who I was to Navy. 

I’ve forgotten and that’s left me in such a lonely, desolate place. 

The only question I keep replaying in my mind is, and I know the unfortunate answer, “Do I still have the opportunity to be a friend?”

That’s all for today.

[ironflightlessbird-blog]

entry10

I think it’s time that I be more honest with myself, and you, whoever you  may be. Navy is..someone I put on such a pedestal. It’s never fair to do that to such a person, nor is it fair to you. You become so disillusioned with expectations and your preconceived view of the person; it places a burden on that person and it leaves a bigger scar on you when they don’t meet the standards that you set. 

I may sound ungrateful, and I don’t mean to, but I seriously am beginning to question what the point is. What was the point of causing so much trouble in my life, on top of adding more problems to your own, and then treating me like as..a burden really. Are my feelings a burden? Am I a burden?

I admit, I’m hoping for a positive answer, but I don’t want to ask because I’m scared of the alternative. There’s not many unanswered questions that I have, it just happens that the unanswered ones are the ones I need to hear.

So, new topic, I didn’t get the job(s). All due to scheduling conflicts. I want to seriously scream my heart out. I’m tired of relying on my parents because I can’t support myself alone. I need a job..so very desperately.

I started classes yesterday, and it’s funny how the whole day, it was nice to not have to worry about Navy, Lemon, my parents, or anyone else. I was there for me and that was the best feeling ever. I caught up with some of my friends from my club and I didn’t realize how much I’d missed them until I saw them for the first time in months. I can’t tell them all my problems, but it was just so nice to get an encouraging word and/or a heartfelt hug from them.

That’s all for today.

Sidenote: I’ve stopped taking selfies because Lemon says that even my smiles look sad.. I admit, I haven’t even tried to hide my fatigue and weariness anymore.

[ironflightlessbird-blog]

Visit Original Link

[ironflightlessbird-blog]

entry9

I know, I know. Two entries in one day? Inconceivable! I’m pretty sure I’m not using that word the way it’s meant to be used (Looking at you, Princess Bride). Anyway, I just wanted to continue my self-loathing. I look back and so many people have invested in me, be it time, effort, money and/or emotions. Taking a good look at myself and where I am right now, I’ve basically spat in all their faces. I taken all their investments and taken a piss and a dump on all of it. Then, I turn around and cry that it wasn’t my intention. I need to stop being so lazy and so...irresponsible. Right now, all I can do is wait on the job interviews, wait on the school to fix their website, wait for Navy to reply.. Wait. I’ve been beating myself up for not doing anything and now that I can’t actually do anything, I’m in this really bad place where I’m hating myself for getting to this point and I just want this to end. 

Edit: I apologized to Lemon and Navy. They were so gracious. Navy was so chill about it saying that shit happens and he actually thanked me for being thoughtful. Lemon was just waiting for me to speak up. I’m so thankful to God for placing these two in my life. God help me keep them in my life. I don’t know if I can survive without these two.

That’s all for today

[ironflightlessbird-blog]

entry8

So I just heard back from company A; they said they’ll review the research paper that they requested from me and notify me within the week on whether they want to invite me back for a second interview. I went to the interview for company B and it kind of went well..? The interviewer was more intrigued by my personality and the fact that I spoke my parents’ native tongue so well despite being born and raised in a different country. She didn’t really ask much about my skills but she did seem to like me. We talked about things like how to read cartoons online, how she wanted her daughter to speak two languages fluently like me and how I feel about my major. I told her about my school schedule and she did say she would have to think about it. I mentioned that that was one of my greatest concerns and she said she understood and that my education is most important. The interview at company A was substantially longer than the one at company B, but I’m so nervous about both. I really need a job and I need one soon.

Speaking of school, I was so caught up on all these job interviews and the whole mess from a couple weeks ago, I completely lost track of the days. So, in a rush to pay tuition, I found out that my bill didn’t include my financial aid, leaving me with a large amount. I freaked out and I’ve been on the phone waiting for the financial office to connect me to a rep but to no avail.. In fact, I’m still on the phone waiting. I’ve been listening to the same annoying jazz music and “please hold for the next available specialist” message for over 3 hours. Also, hoping for a miracle, I logged back into the payment website and now I’m greeted with an error page. As if this couldn’t get any worse. Well, it probably could.

I haven’t talked to Lemon for a couple weeks. We had an argument, which was entirely my fault, but I can’t bring myself to reach out to her despite this. I really miss her but at this point, I’m tired of confiding in her because I feel like I only bring burdens to the table. Especially, problems that she has no power over. And I haven’t texted Navy all day, so I sent him a message saying that I was sorry for not talking to him all day and if he was doing okay.. I’m scared. To be honest, Navy doesn’t know that I’m a failure at school, which is why I couldn’t receive scholarships and I’ve been needing to take out student loans. He doesn’t know that I’ve had horrible financial habits for the past 2 years which is why I haven’t been able to move out or even start preparing to move out. 

My parents were right. I’m not an adult. It doesn’t matter how many years I’ve lived; I’m still irresponsible and lazy. I can’t even get the simplest things right.

Overall, I screwed up in small ways that built up to this huge mess. I’ve got no one to blame but myself, but I’m afraid of admitting it to the people that are trying to help me. Today is just not a good day.

That’s all for today.

[ironflightlessbird-blog]

entry7

So my plan is sort of? in the works. I applied to a couple places for a part-time position, went to an interview on Friday —it’s Sunday night right now— and I don’t know..I mean, I think the interview went well because of the way the interviewer was speaking. I was interviewed by the manager, which was so much fun...and I’m going to another interview tomorrow and I’m kind of nervous. Company A’s willing to be more flexible around my school schedule but that was like one out of the four places I applied for so I’m hoping the last interview will be flexible and understanding as well.

I was talking to my college ministry group members about the cost of living and moving out. I haven’t told them about the situation at home since word travels fast and I don’t need the extra pairs of eyes and ears on me, my parents nor my little brother. They all advised me to live in with my parents for as long as possible, and I completely understand where they’re coming from. I respect their advice because they’re all a couple years my senior, but I know they’re just speaking in general. I wonder if I can confide in one of them about all this. So far, I’ve been asking them questions under the pretense of wanting to just move out and experience living on my own (with the help of a roommate).

It would be easier if I was able to take the car and my phone when I moved out. I’d at least be able to get to school and work without too much trouble. Well, can’t do anything about it if it’s out of my control. So far, so bleak.

I’ll update about the job situation later~ That’s all for today.

[ironflightlessbird-blog]

Visit Original Link

[ironflightlessbird-blog]

entry6

Right, so I think I’ve caught you up with the fundamentals of my story. Overly protective parents —an understatement, really— one super supportive best friend, another close friend that took action out of genuine concern for my well being and cops. Oh. And me losing all my privileges. 

So how do I manage to type these entries, you ask? Well, I payed for my laptop with my hard-earned money so my parents have said they won’t touch it. Phone and car on the other hand is under their name so I can’t say crap.

Yep, that pretty much covers it. Moving on~

So, this wake-up call has gotten me to start doing something. Albeit my leg is in a cast until this Saturday, which is in two days(!!!!!), but I’ve already set up part-time job interview dates for the next couple weeks. I’m praying and hoping I can get this job. My first course of action would be to save up and buy a car, or save up enough for the down payment on a decent car. I’ve weighed the pros and cons between a certified used and just any used car. It is a bit pricier for certified but I figured I’m less likely to run into car problems. Even if I do, I could get an extended warranty. So yeah. It’s only two things, but I’m getting there. 

Today’s tidbit was relatively short, but that’s all for today. 

[ironflightlessbird-blog]

entry5

Fuck it. This is another Navy post, but I’ll start it off with how everything happened (leaving out some too-specific details, cause you know, I’m trying to be all mysterious).

It starts off with me hanging out with Navy at his church for a small bonfire event with s’mores (yum!!!) later the same day my dad lectured me about going out and staying out so late. So the result of the lecture was that I come home before the sun sets, or I let him know prior to coming home late. Normally, I don’t tell my parents where I’m going, or who I’m going with (it’s horrible, I know..) so this time, I wanted to do right by them. I texted my dad, told him where I’d be, what I’d be doing, what time I’d be at the church and, later, because of a thunderstorm, I said I’d be heading home a little after the storm had died down. So, I let my dad know everything. I even took pictures while I was at the church. I got home at 12:10 pm, and he was absolutely furious. He was so livid and I was at a loss for words. Confused? Yeah, likewise. Despite doing all the things he asked of me, and even notifying him that I was going to be late for reasons, he took* the car keys from me and basically grounded me. I know I sound like whiny teenager, but remember, I’m twenty-one years old and, I understand the axiom “live in my house, go by my rules”, but didn’t I do that? Well, maybe there was miscommunication and I misunderstood. I’m just telling you what I know. I didn’t tell Navy about what had happened until the next morning. 

The next morning was a Saturday and I woke up, replied to Navy’s text about how everything went. I told him about what had happened and he called me because he was so worried about me. Navy had served in the military**, so him in his own way of caring, said he was going to call the authorities because my parents’ behavior was so emotionally abusive and my dad displayed some anger management issues. My dad’s anger management issues was the reason why Navy was so worried. I told him not to come but he came to my house in uniform and with my old friend, let’s call him Grey, —he looked so nice in his uniform haha I know, the things I’ll pay attention to— and asked if he could enter the premises. I said no because I didn’t know what kind of trouble that could mean for him or anyone else. My parents weren’t home, so he asked where they were, I told him and he went looking for them. 

At this point, you’re probably thinking, “Why would you tell him?” Tbh, I was afraid of lying to someone who was in uniform. I know, it sounds stupid, but that’s the only thing that went on in my mind. 

Anyway, he found and confronted my parents, my parents came home angry, yelling and thanking me so much for what had happened. The rest was just us being visited by three police officers shortly after my parents had come home, the police assessing the situation and deeming that things weren’t good but they weren’t bad enough, my parents —mainly my dad— guilt tripping and shaming me, throwing my phone then taking it away, and lecturing me for three days in a row. Not to mention, my parents are still trying to sue Navy for showing up at the house and yelling all these allegations at them. He did go overboard —even he admits it— but he didn’t do anything illegal and my parents are grasping at straws at this point.

I’m not allowed to take the phone upstairs to my room or make phone calls there. My phone must be unlocked at all times, I had to change my number, I had to delete Navy and Grey’s number and I have lost all car privileges. Thankfully, I’ve been given permission to use my mom’s car to get to and from school and church. If I work, I’ll need to figure that out on my own because I cannot take the car.

This is my life now. 

Some might say that I deserve it, I brought it onto myself and I don’t blame you because you haven’t lived my life, you wouldn’t know what it was like growing up in this house with these people so I wouldn’t expect anything else. It’s okay. I’ll get out of this; I know I will. But thanks for taking the time to read this if you did. That’s all for today.

*Allegedly smashed with a hammer, later revealed that he faked it. Yeah, minor anger issues.

**Now that I think about it, I should’ve just named him Military.. Oh well, too late now. I like the color navy so it’s staying.

[ironflightlessbird-blog]

entry4

It’s Sunday~ Nothing happens on a Sunday!

Forgive me, but the spotlight for today’s post shines on Navy. Why? Because I like him so much, and I’m beginning to worry that I may not be the best thing for him. Tonight, I watched this Korean movie called The Beauty Inside. It was an amazing movie; the style, the characters, the story were all so captivating. The story in particular didn’t really have any correlation with my life right now. But the two main characters, at one point in the movie, one’s love ended up hurting the other. Ohhh, there it is. That was the common theme. 

I admit, I don’t know much about love and I know I don’t love Navy; I just like him, a lot. It shows in the way he pops up in my mind during the day. When I wake up, I think, “I should say Good Morning.” If I did something and it was new for me, boring, tiring, exciting, saddening, maddening, or nonchalant, if I didn’t share it with him, I’d feel lonely and that’s not okay. 

Sometimes, I know that if and when I do share a part of my day with him, he’s not going to be interested or he can’t afford to be. He’s tired, he works two jobs, he supports his mom and siblings, he’s trying his best to figure out a way for me to be...free(?), he has his own life to be worrying about. But I still want to be the one that he talks to every day, the one that he tells me what made him so mad that day, the one he texts at 2 in the morning while he’s sitting on a bench in the rain because I’m the one who can’t get through the night without him. ("You?”, I know, eye rolls ensue. And did I give away too much?) Often times, I’ll irritate him to the point where he threatens to leave me. That’s not hard to imagine, but I imagine it’s hard to bear.

I think that’s what’s wrong with me: I make it about me. 

Even that last sentence was very egocentric. The trick is lying to myself that I did it in his best interest. See, that night, Navy was going through one of the hardest moment of his life —Probably. I’m sure there were harder moments but I didn’t know him during those times*— and I was going on about how I wanted to help him and how I needed him, how he promised me that we’d go to Korea then Japan, go to the Sakura Hanabi Festival, he’d cook me a 17-course meal with wine pairing, and that we’d be roommates together.** It was all about the things that he would do for —you guessed it— me. Like I said, I don’t know much about love, or any form of selflessness, and I think it shows the most when I’m talking to him. I feel so apologetic, disappointed, pathetic, and so, so angry. I wanted.. See? It’s always about what I wanted. There’s got to be a loophole around this..

I want him to be happy. I want him to be free. I want what he wants. But I also want to be all those things with and for him. 

I say “But” because I’m pretty sure there’s a conflict of interests in there somewhere. It’s my own selfishness to keep harboring these feelings. And I will continue to be selfish. I’m sorry that I’m so selfish and that even though I’m probably not what you need, I still want to be in some corner of your life.

Sidenote: You know, the good thing about the internet is that it’s such a vast domain, I know he’d never come across this. But just in case, I’ll knock on some wood, or anything in my room that looks like it’s made of wood.

*Pretty sure that’s not how you use an em dash but I’m not a proper writer so what do I know.

**I hope that didn’t give away Navy’s, or my, identity. Fingers crossed.

[ironflightlessbird-blog]

entry3

The beginning of a fairy tale usually starts off with introducing your character(s), your settings, and leads into the conflict, I think. I should’ve paid more attention in my English classes. Besides the point, I’ll start off with my characters: Me, Lemon* and Navy*. There’s a couple more but I’ll introduce them as I progress.

So, you already have a tidbit about me. Let’s start with Lemon.

Lemon is my sister, not by blood, but probably closer because of it. You know how you don’t choose your siblings but you choose your friends (and your friends choose you)? I think that’s why we’ve been best friends longer than we haven’t. She’s the one I choose to trust with my life, my secrets, and everything in between. Our relationship is far from perfect. We fight but we stick together regardless. When I’m being an idiot, she’ll call me out on it and tell me to fix it. Same goes for her, I’ll do the same. We’ve cried on each other’s shoulders and not said a word about it. Honestly, it’s hard to explain in words what she is to me other than my world. She’d probably slap me for being so sappy so let’s move on!

Navy. Mm How do I start? Don’t pass judgement on me but I met Navy on Tinder a couple months back. Haha! I still can’t say it to people when they ask how we know each other. But you’re the Internet and you don’t know who I am so it makes it easier. Anyway, Navy is a very strong personality. He’s witty, clever, a kid at heart, and he’s also my wake-up call. I’m not belittling him when I say that; I’m saying he’s the one who’s set in motion the next events of my life; my catalyst, if you will. That’s a lot coming from me about someone I’ve known for less than a year, but he’s that kind of person. He takes care of the people in his life and I trust him because of that. And I don’t know if it’s obvious, but yes, I do like him a lot. But right now, I need him as, more than anything, a really good friend. I don’t really know how he thinks about us, with everything going on**, but the smart thing is to discuss that after the storm passes. He’s the good guy in the story; trust me.

Well, I think I’m good on the character part for now. I’ll write more tomorrow. Be careful and be safe.

*Names have been changed to protect the identity of these people, obviously. I couldn’t think of good names so I just chose colors, oh well.

**The Doctor Who fan in me couldn’t resist.

[ironflightlessbird-blog]

Muir Beach ‘16

The first time I’d step foot on Cali. I will go back one day.

[ironflightlessbird-blog]

Visit Original Link

[ironflightlessbird-blog]

entry2*

I’m a 21 year old college student living with her parents and brother. I’m not complicated, I don’t think. For 21 years, I didn’t think at all about my situation and those close to me either didn’t know or thought I was okay. There’s a lot to explain but let’s start with that concept of “okay”. Throughout our lives, so many people ask that question: “Are you okay?” I always answered back with a)yes b)a sarcastic no or c)I’m tired. Well, here’s my real answer: No, I’m not okay and I’m tired of being tired. 

Feels good to get it off my chest.

*First impressions are important; they stick with us throughout the experience. That’s a lot of pressure to put on a blog entry, so I’m going to skip that one — because I can— and call this the second entry. Whoever said that a rose by any other name would smell as sweet is a liar; roses don’t smell sweet.