UMMM the biggest vent EVER below this!!! I'm really shy about this but. I made this blog so I could be more personal so why wouldn't I use it?? XDD
And um I assure you i'm fine right now and things are actually rapidly getting better for me which is what allowed me to think about this and actually process it all :03
I've been thinking about my past a lot which I mean, makes sense considering what is happening in my real life right now XDD
I don't remember a lot that happened when I was little, but I feel like recently some of my memories have been coming back? A little? Which is really weird
Now that i'm out of the house with him in it I'm sure things will be better but a part of me still feels really scared and I don't know why ;_;
I'm trying my hardest to stay at least slightly positive but i'm honestly terrified!!! I usually try and keep up the positivity way more but it's been slipping a lot and it's really embarrassing for me!!!! X0((
Okay this is kinda awkward to say considering these people are. yknow. following me on here. Looks to the side. (It's kinda my fault since I followed them first buut oh well.. too late now.. and this is kinda meant to be my open blog so i'm just gonna say it) Whenever i'm talking with Dess, Azzy, my mom, Kris or anyone I kinda felt like was part of my in game family (even tho Kris and Azzy weren't really.. our families were close so it still sorta feels like it faha) I feel kinda nervous because of stuff that happened like. here
I never really had that good of an IRL family, I mean I know my mom and dad tried but I never really lived with my dad and my mom has lots of other stuff going on especially now, and it kind of made me think a lot of stuff that isn't normal is normal? And I only recently realized some of that stuff?
It feels weird to be cared about like at all, I kind of get worried i'm gonna end up burdening them because I kinda always burdened the family I am like. in right now? I mean i'm sure my family cares about me it's just that they don't care about me, I can't really explain it. They never really got to know who I am, because they were always busy with other things or other people. I remember the last time I hung out with my mom just me and her was when I was like 10 and I was watching her playing the binding of isaac because I used to watch it when I was even littler.
By my family, by the way, I mean excluding my dad? I mean he's always tried I think, but he's also not really involved with the people I mostly live with now so there's a bit of a separation in my mind between them. I mean my mom's side.
I couldn't leave my room much because of my sisters and also my now ex stepdad who hated my guts, so I didn't really ever get to learn the things I probably need to know. Like I never got to learn how to cook and my mom never helped me on my schoolwork and never really checked on me much asides from when I was failing or something. ^_^" Heck, I don't even know how to look for things properly or how to ask people things...
My dad is still trying to teach me I think but I kind of shut down every time he tries to treat me like he's my dad and I don't know why, it really sucks. :0(
A lot of the time I spent at home was me hiding, even after my stepdad stopped being as aggressive. I'm glad I did though, because apparently he did way worse than even I knew, and I don't like thinking about what he could've done if I didn't stay out of his way.
I'm not sure which part of this formed the extremely bad self esteem but part of it did and it sucks BAD I mean i've felt bad for. needing food before. After not eating for like the whole day I felt bad for wanting to eat?? It's getting better since I have a lot of really kind friends now, but it's still a work in progress 0w0"
I could go on but this is getting REALLY LONG..
ANYWAY my point was it's really weird to have people care about me and while I really like it and it's been really nice I still feel scared yknow? I just worry that i'm gonna end up being too childish or too clingy and they're all going to leave me too. I know it's dumb and I probably wouldn't normally think this it's just a mix of everything that's going on too XDD
I actually was gonna write more but.. I still feel the need to like... not cover some of the stuff they (my IRL family) did? Not because I don't want to but i'm reading back on some of this stuff and it's way worse than I thought and I'm kinda worried someone is gonna read this and start worrying about me.. I AM FINE RIGHT NOW!!! WE ARE MOVING AWAY AND I AM GONNA BE IN A BETTER SITUATION SOON ENOUGH!!!