No Man is an Island 10/13
Ao3
Chapter 10
It's well into the afternoon when Hizashi wakes up and there's nothing graceful about how he does so. His body is heavy and he doesn't want to get out of bed, but the burning need to pee forces him to do so. He has to wrestle the sheets from his body before he slowly sits up and stumbles to the bathroom, paying no mind to the towel laying on the floor.
He doesn't bother with his pants when he's done, instead just leaves them with the towels after he washes his hands. From his dresser, he pulls out a pair of simple black thigh stockings and from his closet, a knitted ivory colored sweaterdress. He stopped wearing his cute clothes around Saitei because he didn't like how rough he always seemed to get whenever he did. There'd even been one instance where the man had ruined one of his favorite blouses in the heat of the moment.
As he pulls on the stockings he chides himself for not shaving, feeling a little self-conscious of the visible hairs on his thighs that aren't covered by the dress or the stockings. He quickly shrugs the thought away and admires his reflection as he works his fingers through the mess of tangles in his hair.
Now dressed and a bit more awake, the voice hero makes up his bed and collects the towels and pants that had been discarded on the bathroom floor, intending to take them down the hall to be washed. Three steps outside the bedroom, he freezes up at the sound of running water in the kitchen. Before he goes into complete panic mode, he runs through everything he can remember before falling asleep.
He'd been at the radio station till nearly six after getting sick and then he'd walked home, meaning it was close to seven when he'd gotten home. He'd showered at some point, given the towels left on the floor. Beyond that, everything was a blur. The smell of food confirms that he was not alone in his apartment though he'd certainly left his station alone.
Hizashi drops the laundry to the floor and tiptoes to the kitchen, not wanting to spook whoever it was, more so for their protection since he was confident that he could protect himself. What he wasn't expecting though, was to find Toshinori humming contentedly as he stood over the stove. He glances around to find that his apartment had been cleaned. The memories from this morning flood his mind not a moment later, causing him to suck in breath and alert the other blond that he was no longer alone.
Both blue and red eyes widen when Toshinori turns around to look at Hizashi, standing in the edge of the kitchen wearing the ivory dress and black stockings.
"You stayed," he whispers as tears start to well up in his eyes.
Toshinori flashes a smile at him and then turns back to the stove. "I did."
"Oh god, you stayed," he whispers in horror a second later, "I came home a mess and you took care of me, then you stayed."
Toshinori glances back at the voice hero to see him cover his mouth with one hand and pull at the hem of his dress with the other, fingers grazing over the small area of exposed skin on his thigh. "You'll stretch the fabric beyond repair if you continue to pull at the hem like that."
"I don't remember much of anything between coming home and waking up. Did I say say or do anything inappropriate?" he asks worriedly as he walks over to the table.
The room falls silent as Toshinori shuts off the stove and finishes preparing whatever he'd decided to cook, though Hizashi doesn't know with what ingredients since he hadn't done any grocery shopping in more than a week. The voice hero doesn't take Toshinori's silence very well and goes through everything that happened this morning, desperately trying to determine just how much he'd embarrassed himself in front of the other blond.
He remembered that after his shower, he'd ended up sitting in the bath for a little bit as his skin still smelt of his pomegranate soap and sesame body oil. But Hizashi couldn't for the life of him, remember where Toshinori was in all of this.
"Hizashi?" The blond watches Toshinori's lithe figure as he walks from the kitchen and joins him at the table. "What's on your mind?" he asks, placing a bowl of soup in front of him.
"You didn't answer my question, Yagi," he mutters.
"That's what you're worried about?"
Hizashi furrows his brow as the other blond slurps a spoonful of soup. "What else should I be worrying about? Did you do something while I was sleep?" he playfully accuses, narrowing his eyes. The statement surprises Toshinori, causing the man to choke on his soup.
"O-Of course I didn't. That's not funny, Hizashi," the man pouts.
"Sorry, but it was a perfect opportunity, Yagi," he apologizes and reaches for Toshinori's hand.
"You confuse me," he sighs, drawing soothing circles on the back of Hizashi's hand. Hizashi tucks his hair behind his ear with his free hand, smiling and waiting to see if the other blond has more to add before asking what he means, though he already had an inkling to what he was getting at.
"I still confuse Shouta too, so don't feel bad," he assures, gently squeezing Toshinori's hand. "Even after fifteen years, he doesn't always get why I'm like this."
"He tries though," Toshinori explains.
Hizashi runs a hand through his hair and nods. "I know, but it was different this time. I couldn't let him in like I normally would because he was part of the reason I was hurting."
"So you sought out someone else to fill that void."
Hizashi nods again, this time pulling his hand from Toshinori's gentle grip. "I didn't mean for anything to happen between Saitei and me it just did," he stresses, standing up to pace the room as he does so.
The taller blond follows suit, recognizing the signs of a panic attack. He steps in front on the shorter man, blocking his path and holding him still by the shoulders. "Look at me, Hizashi," he instructs. The voice hero does as requested, earning a soft smile from Toshinori. "Hi beautiful," he whispers, "Talk to me. Tell me what I can do?"
"Does he hate me?" he asks, his voice cracking.
"No... No, he doesn't hate you. He could never, Hizashi," Toshinori assures.
"How do you know?"
"Because I talked to him while you were asleep," he explains. Surprised red eyes blink at him several times. "He's been worried about you, Hizashi and... well you know how he can be; he blames himself." Learning that Shouta had been beating himself up because of how he'd been acting as of late was too much.
The voice hero's knees give out and Toshinori wraps his arms around him completely and lowers them to the floor. Hizashi fists the man's shirt and he leans down so that his lips just graze the shell of his ear. Feeling Toshinori's breath ghost over his skin there sends shivers down his spine and Hizashi arches further into his embrace.
"I miss him," he sobs, "Give him back."
He immediately regrets saying those words aloud because only he knows the real meaning behind them. He wants Shouta back, but he also wants the relationship he had with Yagi before Shouta caught his attention. It wasn't fair that the voice hero had been left out in the cold so to speak.
"I don't want you to leave but I can't ask you to stay either," Hizashi coffesses.
"Then don't ask," Toshinori suggests," just tell me. Please."
"You aren't mine to tell, Yagi."
"Are you going to send me away?"
"I-I don't know what I'm going to do..."
"Is there anything you need from me?" Toshinori questions, desperate to keep the man in his arms from withdrawing into himself.
"Do you think Shouta is busy right now?" he asks, a little embarrassed that he has to ask his friend's boyfriend if they can call him.
"If he is we can leave a message," Toshinori answers, and he'll get back to us when he can. I think he'd like to hear from you."
"Yeah?"
"Yeah."
As expected, Shouta isn't able to answer but he leaves a message like Toshinori suggests. He doesn't know if the man will be happy to hear from him considering that he probably won't even understand a damn word as he's still crying. If anything he'll only worry more, maybe even think that Toshinori had done something to upset him. So he makes sure to tell him that he really is fine and that the taller man is watching over him but still respecting him and not being too pushy. He also apologizes to Shouta for his behavior but doesn't get to finish it as the line cuts off.
He returns Toshinori's phone to him and just like this morning, he allows the man to take care of him. Toshinori reheats his soup and he eats what he can stomach until his appetite leaves him completely. Hizashi doesn't move from the table when the he gets up to clean the kitchen. Doesn't touch the tea that Toshinori makes for him, not that he thought the voice hero would actually drink any of it.
Again, he feels like he's taking advantage of Toshinori's kindness and feels that he should ask him to leave, but is it really such a bad thing for him to accept the man's attention while he can? But what if he's only here for Shouta at this point. Did Toshinori only care about him because Shouta did? Not couldn't be right though given what the man had told him that morning. How he had been forcing himself to stay away all week long.
The sun is starting to set and Shouta still has yet to call back. Toshinori notes that several students had been required to take remedial lessons to to poor performances during the practical exams and that he purposefully ran them late. Hizashi wouldn't put that kind of behavior past the man since he was always looking for a way to challenge his students, even if it meant expulsion. Even still, his fickle mind can't help but wonder that maybe Shouta is tired of dealing with him.
He spends hours at the table, speaking only when asked if he needs anything. For a while, he forgets that Toshinori is even still with him. It isn't until the man gets a text from Shouta that he even thinks about what a horrible host he's been because even when Shouta used to care for him like this, he was never this passive about having someone over.
He stands up to walk to the couch where the other blond had decided to relax, though he's still lost in his mind and ends up running into the man.
"Did you need something, Hizashi?" he asks as he reaches out to steady the shorter man.
"I was actually about to ask you that," he laughs, rubbing his stinging nose.
Toshinori blinks down at the voice hero. "There's no need to fuss over me."
"I know that you're here taking care of me, but that doesn't excuse the fact that I've been a terrible host," he states a bit too meekly for his tastes.
"Stop that," the man directs, startling Hizashi with how stern his voice sounds, " I'm here for you. I don't care that you aren't being a proper host. Even if you were well I wouldn't care because I'm here with you which is all I care about."
Hizashi is unable to say or do anything as he processes Toshinori's words. He'd clearly heard what he'd said but he couldn't grasp what he was trying to say to him. As he looks into those blue crystal eyes he knows there's no denying that he loves this man, but there's no way he can say it aloud. He'd prefer to continue to suffer than to actually ruin the beautiful thing that the two men had.
"Shouta texted me, he got your message."
"W-What did he say?" Hizashi asks quickly.
"Look for yourself," he answers, holding out his phone for him to see.
Hizashi hesitantly reaches for it, not daring to look at the screen until the device is securely in his hands.
(Shouta 19:38) I'm sorry that I can't call you right now Hizashi, but I'm sorry too. Can we please talk when I get home?
"Yagi?"
"What do you need?"
He was afraid to ask Toshinori for this favor because he didn't know how comfortable he'd with be it but decides to throw caution to the wind. "Is it okay if I send Shouta a picture?" his voice trailing off at the last word. "Obviously nothing inappropriate," he hurriedly continues when the man looks utterly confused. "I think if he sees me in this," he says motioning to his apparel, "he'll know that I'm doing okay. That I'm feeling more like myself."
"I'll take it for you if you want," Toshinori offers with a smile.
The voice hero's red eyes light up and he hands the phone back to its owner. Running into the man a few minutes prior meant that he hadn't made it far from the kitchen table so he moves to sit on it, crossing one leg over the other after he does so. He smooths out the hem of his dress, then places his hands on either side of him, folding his fingers over the edge and tilting his head to one side. When Toshinori raises his phone to snap a photo, he smiles brightly.
Though instead of snapping the photo, the man walks over to him. Hizashi freezes and closes his eyes, only feeling him reach behind his head and pull his hair from the ponytail he'd put it in. It falls with no grace whatsoever, still a little damp and frames his face with slight waves.
"Beautiful," he whispers and moves back to get the picture. Hizashi smiles again, but this time he looks far more shy with flushed cheeks and knitted eyebrows.
Hizashi slides from the table and enthusiastically takes the device as it's offered to him, typing a quick yes to Shouta's question and hitting send. He then anxiously waits a couple minutes for a reply, heart pounding and sucks in a breath when it arrives.
(Shouta 19:46) I always loved you in that one.
He looks back up to Toshinori and for the first time what feels like forever, he's happy and believes that he really will be okay. It's a shame that the feeling couldn't last.