Merry Chrismas, @cmchamp!!
I get to be your giftee for the @motorsportsecretsanta2025! I made a little fanfiction for you. I hope you enjoy it ❤️
Title: I Didn’t Need My Heart Anyway… or Did I?
Words: 2.4K
Tags: Internalized Homophobia, but very light, Fluff, Love Confessions, Mitch is a nervous wreck, no beta we die like David Beckman’s contract
Summary: Mitch has feelings he doesn’t want to deal with, but now he can’t escape them.
Ao3 Link Here
Mitch is pretty secretive when it comes to his heart because it knows too much.
He's as free lipped as many other drivers along the grid, sometimes leading him into trouble, but it’s always surface level words or actions. It’s easy. The more obvious things said and done, the less people inquire about you. Even that photo of himself on the leash (he’s never going to live that down, and it will forever haunt him) barely shows anything that truly means something to him.
Perhaps it's why when he first realizes he's fallen in love with António, his heart nearly shuts down. Denying a truth he knows he's felt for so long, and yet only understands so recently. He tells himself it's impossible, that not only is he a regular driver who wants to fall in love with a woman, but that António would never see him that way. That the friendship they've worked on for years would fall apart like a paper boat, and Mitch would become lost at sea. Closing his heart off will prevent any mistakes that lead to regret.
It's not easy. António has always been in some sort of space in his life so long as he's been aware of the global racing scene. They knew each other by name long before they ever met, but they really got to know one another during the fourth season of Formula E, when they had a little more time to screw around and laugh at one another's jokes. That was the year Mitch doesn't feel as unsteady driving for the sport anymore, and António... well, he's been there since the first day. His confidence is as attractive as his body.
It's another year before Mitch has learned enough to understand what he's feeling isn't just a process good friends go through, but something far more intimate. And it hits him when António stands upon the podium, hands clasped around the championship trophy proudly. It takes every ounce of leftover strength in Mitch's body to keep his heart in his chest and his arms tucked to his sides. To stay in one spot and not rush up to the podium to kiss António.
It feels like his heart might collapse any second from sheer desire. And that's a feeling Mitch doesn't like. He tries to repair his heart so it won't fall apart when António inevitably rejects him (like he dares to even ask to start with). Instead, he finds a gaping hole within his heart and unfortunately the size of the man he loves.
He doesn't know if he'd ever be able to say how he feels. It's not like António is his first crush, nor is he the first time Mitch has had a crush on a man. But he is the first that practically tears Mitch into two pieces from how irresistible he acts without even knowing.
On that day, Mitch decides to shut off his heart from his head as much as he can.
And he plans to keep his mind quiet forever.
Until about last year, 2024, when António asks if Mitch would like to hang out between races and go golfing. And as they're in the middle of their game, a thought crosses Mitch's mind.
António might already know the secret.
Because they're too close to one another at every given possibility. António is always in his personal space, and who is Mitch to deny the closeness? Especially when it feeds into his fantasies that he hardly pays attention to on most days. Suddenly, all the colors of a romance make sense. And they're the prettiest pieces of sea glass Mitch had ever seen.
And maybe, just maybe, Mitch can take that sea glass and turn it into a window wih António at his side.
The recollection of memories he doesn’t really want to face yet strike him the worst come the first race of Formula E’s 12th season. At the moment, António sits next to him in the Jaguar garage meeting room, no words passing between the two drivers as they listen the rest of the team talk about strategy. It's been a whirlwind of events with António moving into the same team as Mitch. Franky, it's a surprise it happened at all, no matter how many times they're both reminded that Formula E feel like a lottery with how quickly the seats are rotated between drivers new and old.
For some teams, specifically Jaguar, having two teammates that get along well is practically the equivalent of a marriage contract, even if just for a year. They'll treat them like the power couple into the upcoming season, and there's usually nothing the drivers will do about it, not because they can't do something, but because no one wants to give up the "marriage benefits" that come with it, like extra free time to do "bonding time."
(Mitch and Nick Cassidy had mostly spend their bonding time avoiding one another, or hanging out with at least one other person to keep them from getting into arguments.)
It was a drastic change when António and Mitch did their first team mandated bonding time. António wanted to actually spend time together. He had asked to hang out with Mitch at an arcade in Monaco for part of the day, and Mitch agreed. And for a few hours it was like the world around them didn’t even matter. It was just them. And it was perfect.
(It was also the day António learned he should never take on Mitch in arcades.)
Mitch's eyes drift to António's face, and then to the soft lips that are guarded by a scratchy beard. He's used to fighting himself to avoid accidentally kissing at this point and today is no different despite the closeness.
But that’s a bit of a lie. Today is a little different. Because António glances over and Mitch had no problem realizing he’s been caught staring.
And Mitch has to look away before he falls into the trap of kissing António right there. He stares at his fingers, counting them again and again like he doesn't know he has ten. Perhaps if he counts them from right to left instead of left to right there will be a different number.
He stops when António leans in just a little to talk to him.
"Are you good, man?"
Mitch can only nod. He is. He's got a happy life. He may not be a champion yet, and he's certainly no world's favourite driver. But he's happy, and he's good.
Although he would be happier with António at his side.
António's eyes give away disbelief. That's not too surprising. As dumb as they can be when they're goofing around, António is no stranger to careful observation. "You're lying," he says, stating the obvious.
"Maybe."
"Should I be worried?"
Yes? No? What's the right answer here when he doesn't even know himself? Mitch shrugs to escape the scrutiny, even if it's only temporary.
If António has more questions, he doesn't say anything. It's how Mitch gets away without talking for the rest of the meeting, and how he runs before António could catch him after. He's made no fool of himself, but he feels like one anyway. His chest aches from how hard his heart hammers against his breastbone. He almost wants to plead for it to relax and for his feelings to stop rotating around António, but he has no idea who he would beg to.
He can't avoid António forever. The rest of the morning runs as a normal race weekend day, with the team making sure both drivers prepare and ready up for FP2, and then qualifying, and then the race. It will be a whirlwind of a weekend, and likely no time for themselves. And it all starts with autographs for their fans, which helps Mitch escape whatever self pity hamster wheel he caught himself in just for a little bit.
Even if António is sitting right next to him once again, practically intruding upon Mitch's personal space.
Mitch is tempted to wrap António up in a hug just to mess with the man, and especially the fans. It doesn't happen, but it's a funny thought that he decides to store for fantasies later.
It's after the signing that António chases him down, walking along side him. "Man, you're acting weird today," António says. "And yesterday, and the day before. You have been acting weird since I joined the team."
Oh. Well shit.
Mitch gives an apologetic smile. “Didn't mean to be. Sorry, mate."
"I thought you would be happy to be teammates with a good friend."
"I am. Really, I'm good with it."
"Then why do you keep acting weird?"
"Just got some personal stuff going on, Tónho. Didn't mean for it to come between us."
António just stares at him. "What, like being in love with me?"
Well, shit. So much for keeping it a secret. Still, Mitch challenges it anyway. “What makes you think that?"
"I did not think that, Robin did. He told me you had a crush on me for many years."
Okay, not that many years. Maybe two at most. Or three. Actually, Mitch doesn't know how long it's been. Longer than even he knew, because he had a whole season of just trying to accept the fact the desire to want to bite António wasn't because he hated the man, but because he needed António close.
"How would Robin know something like that?”
"I don’t know. He says something about you having googly eyes."
That gets Mitch to stop in his tracks. "Googly eyes?"
António nods, also stopping. "He said it is what everyone does when they see someone they like."
"You mean heart eyes?"
"… I think he meant heart eyes. Googly eyes did not make sense to me, too.”
What the hell, Robin.
Mitch continues walking and António joins him in stride. His heart is screaming at him to admit Robin is right. All efforts to keep it quiet are failing, and any logic Mitch thinks up is discarded as soon as it tries to override his need for António. He’s lucky his voice remains steady as he manages to speak, opting to let António dictate the conversation. “Right, if that's true then, what's your thoughts on my “googly eyes” for you?"
"About time."
Oh.
Wait, what?
That’s it?
Years of pent up emotions bubble to the surface and Mitch starts laughing. He can’t help it, even if it startles António. All that time he’s spent worried his heart might ruin his friendship, and all it took was one simple question to realize he’s just an idiot.
António just watches, confusion on his face until Mitch finally gets ahold of himself.
"How long have you felt that way?" Mitch asks.
"I dunno," António admits, his voice wavering away from the confident tone it once held into a more reserved and nervous one. "Before I joined Jaguar."
Mitch is tempted to shoot a sarcastic response to ease the sudden tension, but he finds himself staying quiet and instead wrapping an arm around António's shoulders. António leans against him ever so slightly, soon relaxing under his touch. They're still in the public eye, but only for a few more strides as they slip into the garage.
And it’s here, tucked away in the corner and free of cameras, that the unease reeking off both of them finally ebbs away. They stare at one another, Mitch trying to piece together António’s mind while António digs for a clue that could lead to Mitch’s heart.
"So do we kiss now or is that too soon?" António suddenly asks.
"Mate, I’ll admit, I don't know how this works. Never fallen in love with a close friend before." Mitch searches around for something that tells them what to do. Nothing comes to his hands or mind—save for calling up Robin apparently and asking for advice—so he gives up and decides to make the call himself. "Yeah, I'm down to take a crack at it if you are."
António nods, but he's not the one to make the first move. It's Mitch, and it stays as Mitch guiding António through the motions. Slowly, steadily, and both tentative and exploratory. António is a good kisser, that much Mitch expected, but to actually feel the sensation?
Well, nothing in Mitch's daydreams could have depicted what the real thing would feel like.
It's not a perfect kiss by textbook standards, but because it's António it is perfect. Especially as Mitch hands trace António's body, feeling every small shivers reacting to their lips. He hums when António’s fingers run through his hair, tugging as the wispy ends. António has always smelled good, but up close like this his scent is addicting and Mitch isn't sure he could ever get enough of it.
In that moment, Mitch knows two things. He would never let António go. And he could never go on another day without António at his side.
Assuming António agreed. Else, Mitch would be forced to move on.
But when they finally separate to breathe, António is gazing into Mitch's eyes with a newfound adoration and love that the possibility of moving on alone is immediately dismissed.
António gives Mitch's hair a little tug before bringing their foreheads together. Both drivers move their hands until António has his hands on Mitch's hips, and Mitch's arms lay across António's shoulders to hook behind the head.
"So," Mitch starts. "Was it worth it kissing now?"
António smiles, and simply says, “Depends on if you want to kiss me again or not."
"Right now?"
"Maybe.”
Mitch is so close to kissing António once more, but just as he moves, they hear someone calling their names, reminding them that their jobs come first until they decide to officially become a couple. Reluctantly, the two separate their bodies, hands trialing down one another's arms as though searching for a reason to not let go. Clinging on to the tiniest bit of touch until their fingers are no longer clasped together and forced to drift away from each other's touch. António shoots a playful wink towards Mitch’s direction, and leaves Mitch flustered and wondering where they might go from here now that a new opportunity is open.
Mitch is pretty secretive when it comes to his heart because it knows too much.
But for António, he's willing to wear his heart on his sleeve and let António see all the love he has to give.
