#mixed relationship

[avenpt]

Can an allo / ace relationship ever work without sex & without an open relationship?

Hello, anon!

Yes, it can work, but it's different for everyone, of course. What works for one couple might not work for others, but it's certainly possible for a mixed relationship to work without sex or an open relationship!

A friend of mine is the allo in an allo/ace relationship...they've been happily married without any of those "compromises" for 20 years. It can be done!

[gornwen]

Things no one prepares you for in multicultural dating: the foods you want when you are sick are different.

I made a damn good lime honey whiskey tea (think hot toddy on steroids), have procured ginger ale (Canada Dry, Vernon's is annoyingly difficult to find outside of Michigan), and found kettle cooked potato chips to cure and soothe my partner's sore throat.

I am drinking said tea and he is eating a bowl of instant noodle soup with fish balls.

[infinitoxfrio]

Creo que pronto hare spam con fotos de mi novio😭🥰 es taaaaaaan perfecto!!

[demigray]

Any advice for someone who's dating an asexual? What can I do to make her feel comfortable in the relationship?

The main thing I see aces worrying about is that they’re not enough and their partner will leave them for someone who wants sex. The main thing your partner will probably need is reassurance that you’re happy with their sexual boundaries, and you won’t leave them for someone who isn’t asexual (if for some reason you do want to break up with them later on, that’s fine, of course—but as long as you are happy with the relationship and intend to stay in it, it would definitely help to reassure your partner). 

[demigray]

I've only ever had sex with one person (my spouse). In all of my prior long-term relationships we broke up because I wasn't sure if I was attracted to them. With my spouse, we discussed it, and the possibility I was ace. Once we started having sex, though, I very suddenly acquired a libido, but only towards my spouse. I always just assumed I had a late "sexual awakening" or whatever... Now I'm sort of trying on the demisexual hat and seeing if it fits...

You could very well be demisexual! I’ve heard of other stories from demisexuals similar to yours, where they were into sex but just with one person who they have a deep connection with.

[demigray]

I've been identifying as asexual for the past 3 years but recently got into a relationship with a guy who I'm emotionally invested in , I've also told him I'm asexual , and now I think I'm sexually attracted to him but I don't know how to explain the change in feelings and does this mean I'm more on the demisexual side of the spectrum or? I'm just really confused now and need advice

There are two questions to be answered here. First, what do you want to do with him? Do you want to experiment sexually with him? Do you just want to tell him, or talk to him about it? Do you want to do nothing, or just want to figure out what this means for your sexuality? Decide what you want to do and then figure out a plan to talk to him about it or otherwise do it.

The second question is: does this change how you see your sexuality, and do you want to take any action about? You might decide you’re still asexual, you might decide you’re asexual and demisexual (yes, it’s possible), or something else entirely. This part might take a while, so be patient with yourself. Do more research if you need to, and you might find a narrative that resonates with you. Good luck!

[demigray]

I'm having a lot of trouble figuring out if demisexual. I'm a 28yo female, married, but feel like I've lost a connection with my husband (thus, sex is a huge issue). I've only ever had 3 relationships and all with people I've been friends with before starting anything... I just thought that was normal but now I'm not sure. Are there any resources you can recommend? Therapy? A lot of what I've read sticks with me, but I worry that part of me just looking for a reason I don't want to have sex

I mean, it is normal to only have relationships with friends. A lot of people prefer to only date their friends, or develop a friendship first. But if you’re finding your interest in sex is tied to the emotional connection you have with your partner, it’s a sign you could be demisexual. 

There’s nothing wrong with “looking for a reason” you don’t want sex. If you don’t want sex, then it’s natural that you might try to figure out why. Maybe you’ll find that the reason is that you’re ace spectrum, or maybe you’ll find out it’s something else. 

Therapy is not a bad idea, but you have to make sure, first, that the person is competent in ace issues, which many aren’t (even some purported LGBT-friendly therapists can be clueless). You could check out my tags page for more reading material, or bookmark Demisexuality.org (it’s down right now because Wordpress is being wonky, but check it out later).

[demigray]

Hi. I'm not sure what to do. I used to be immensely sexual, and the desire is just gone. My partner isn't very pleased, but I'm just not into it. This is incredibly difficult. I still want to be with them but they're not Happy and it stresses me out

If you used to have a high libido, and it’s suddenly disappeared, it’s worth looking into medical reasons first as a sudden change of pattern can indicate a problem. Have you taken any new medications that cause a drop in libido? Could there be a hormonal explanation? Do you have a mental or physical illness that might explain it? Could there be an emotional reason? 

Whatever the case is, remember to take care of yourself first. You don’t owe your partner sex. Explain what’s going on (as much as you’re comfortable with) to your partner, and if they’re not supportive, consider taking a break. They might have their own feelings about it, which you can discuss if that feels right, but you shouldn’t try to force yourself to feel sexual.

It is possible that a drop in libido could be the new normal. This might mean that you want to adopt an ace spectrum label (it’s okay if you want to, even if you used to have a higher libido) and it might mean changes to your relationship. For now, though, focus on seeing if there’s a cause to your change in libido, and talk to your partner.