#mixer2themaxrants

[callmemix]

Sorri, Chloe Valentine, but I do not like you :[[

[callmemix]

That moment when I'm happily writing a fanfic and then I go on Pinterest to see content of this fandom and—

OH NO! I'm suddenly terrified that I mischaracterized them horribly!

UH OH! I hopped on Spotify to listen to the cast album and the way I write in this character's POV might not be accurate to the lyricism in their songs!

YIKES! I'm rewatching/rereading/whatever the media and I think "Holy shit, the fanfic I was happily writing earlier is so fucking cringe! What do I do now?"

Hop on Ao3. Read all the fanfics of that fandom that have the same concept/writing style of my fanfic. It makes me feel better instantly because idk why, but I get hope from seeing other writers write like I do, since it's like I'm doing SOMETHING right

[callmemix]

Man this is the worst week of my school year so far. I just broke a freaking record! Woah!!

But honestly I'd rather revert back into my unnoticeable and quiet seventh grader self than actually be comfortable with people and attempt to connect with them, just for me to be consciously ignored by my ROOMMATES. Literally a trio in a quartet. It's kinda crazy how they're able to that. I'm a bit fascinated.

[callmemix]

hello there mental health issues!

I know I can't please everyone, IRL or otherwise, but I can't seem to process that fact. I can't handle conflict. I'm scared to disagree with people. I can't say what's on my mind without wondering whether or not they'll like it. Why should other people's opinions matter so much to me? I'm my own person. I have my own personality. I have my own thoughts, feelings, likes, and dislikes. I am a real teenager who still has room to grow and adjust to things.

It doesn't feel like I am. Sometimes I don't think I'm myself, in the way that. I don't know. I'm terrified of everything. I don't think I have anything "true" that I can hold onto for the rest of my life. I don't fit in with my peers, or even the ones I call my friends, but do I even try? I don't know. I'm too scared to joke around with them. I'm scared to hurt them. I'm scared that they'll hurt me, and that they'll feel bad about it, even though sometimes I WANT them to feel bad about it. I can't fucking deal with it. I'm green with envy about them talking to others and leaving me out, but then whenever they DO talk to me, I'm examining whether their reactions towards me are the same as their reactions towards anyone else.

I want my friends and family to know about what I'm going through, but with the things they've said about me back then when I was clearly not doing well, I'm so fucking scared that they'll think I'm attention-seeking. When I'm not with them, I'm paranoid that they're talking about me. Telling each other about all the things I'm scared I really am. Everyone feels fake. I feel fake. No smile I or anyone else shines will feel bright enough for it to feel as radiant as natural sunlight.

I avoid conflict

I feel like I create it

I feel like I am the conflict

And I don't have a regular source of joy anymore. My friends bring me joy. My family brings me joy. What I do brings me joy.

But does it really make me feel better if I'll just feel worse about those things later on?

Things that bring me joy are things that hurt me. Hyperfixating on a fandom is so healing to me, but I don't know how to do it properly. I don't know how not to obsess over things. Sometimes just interacting or THINKING of my current favorite fandom makes me genuinely ill. My stomach hurts. My chest hurts. My head hurts. I hate it. But I need to consume media, as well as create some, or else. I don't know. Maybe I'll get even worse than I already am.

And yet, with all this obsession and addiction over stuff, I still feel like a poser. I feel like my thoughts about characters and fandoms and stuff are unworthy and inaccurate. But does it really matter? I don't know. I can't deal with myself.

[callmemix]

Just so yk guys, I'm using Ibis Paint to post my shit so yeah to my moots js so yk!