#mixlog

[tdidlog]

i still have her. at least they’ll never leave. we’re stuck in one body after all.

[tdidlog]

i feel i just actually never bothered to live before this so i ignored a lot of things... so i am slowly learning how to live now. and not just surviving.

[tdidlog]

we feel we’re happy and lucky to still be here

[tdidlog]

do we really sounds like we are making shit up? we wouldn’t fucking research this in first place if we weren’t panicking on what’s happening. that hurts. really.

if i was having no symptoms why would i bother to find if i fits into something else instead of continuing to treat with basic depression method

especially i was in that bad state back then

and for some reasons i know there would be people who will just call me out for this and told us we’d just be being edgy

because it’s a “cool” thing or something

would they really thought i look up into a page and go “oh i feel this” and then i fucking pretend i had fucking AMNESIA? though now it lessened so they fucking don’t believe

it’s...hard

it hurts

why would i even bother making such a fucking lie to the point i try to line it up that “my child self was locked up so she blend into me last year”

i know what is still purely my fault

...just

fuck man

do i even look like that someone who wished it to happen? to magically be a reason? to fucking make it an excuse to act different towards people i care about?

to win people back in my life? then why would i bother to dig and research to the point i spare my money for actual professional consultation?

this is NOT and NEVER how I expected to find out about myself being two people, and I know- people can’t take it right away, and some can’t even take it at all. it’s sudden. I know all of it are technically my- our- problems to deal with it. And we should accomodate how we mend our friendships from now on ever since we come out as two- and no- we never meant it for reason or attention- (if i fucking want to do it for attention, wouldn’t i already publicize the news already?)

it fucking hurts. it fucking hurts.

[tdidlog]

it’s suddenly harder to tell who i am lately

[tdidlog]

in the end i am pretty selfish i guess

[tdidlog]

we survived.

[tdidlog]

what we need is not changing, it’s to figure ourselves out.