dear jace, dear xander, dear jackson, dear yao
{ unsent letters # 1-4 }
dear jace,
the elephant in the room that nobody talks about is us, isn’t it? we seem to find ourselves on the negative side of the spectrum nowadays, and i’m pretty sure the rest of ace notices, but doesn’t say anything. kinda like me. i notice things, too, but i’m not always vocal about it because i know how you are. you shut down whenever somebody else realizes you’re not okay, and it’s really disheartening because sometimes i just wish you’d talk to me instead of going all jace dragon and spitting fire at me through short text messages and exasperated sighs. ha, it’s kind of funny because i really have no room to talk–write? you don’t even know me, not the real me, except i don’t shut down like you, i just smile and reassure. we’re kind of the same in a way, aren’t we? except you’re not as fake as i am. you have friends—real friends who care about you and would go to the moon for you. and you’d do the same for them, wouldn’t you? you have people who recognize the quirks and odd habits you allow to surface whenever you’re in one of those moods of yours, but i don’t. i don’t have that, and in a way, i think that makes me really envious of you. you’re a good person, with genuine intentions and i don’t think you give yourself enough credit for that, but you should because there aren’t a lot of people like you in the world, simba. but there needs to be. i’m sorry i don’t let you in, or talk to you about my life and what’s in my head—i want to, i just don’t know how, and i can’t promise that i ever will. but i wish you nothing but happiness, kay? literally always, all the time, every second of every day. you deserve it. you also deserve an abundance of flower crowns made by me. you deserve good things and sometimes i wish i could give them all to you, but i can’t. and i’ll never stop being sorry for that. p.s. i miss you deeply.
sincerely,me
dear xander,
hi, bunny. you’re such a good person, how did ace get to be so lucky? like, seriously, you’re kind of a god send. you make me giggle with those bunny teeth of yours, and your aegyo is out of this world. i sometimes wish you and i were closer, but at the same time–i don’t, and that’s because if you saw what really went on in my head you might get tainted, and that is the last thing i’d ever want for you. i want you to always stay xander. i want your eyes to always be full of wonder and innocence. never lose that, kay? god, xander, don’t you ever lose that sense of wonder i see in your eyes every single day. it’s a gift that not all of us get, and those of us who do—well, we ruin it. so promise you’ll always be my thoughtful, kind, and naive xander, kay? oh–and also, don’t ever be afraid to try new things. i know the world can be ugly and seem scary, but don’t ever hold yourself back from life and what it has to offer. AND WORK HARD. kay? i know you will, you never disappoint me.
sincerely,me
dear jackson,
firstly, i want to apologize if it ever seems like i’m being hard on you. i know we’re all just young adults here, hyung, and even though you’re an idol you deserve a life apart from that. i often forget that, though, because i’ve never wanted anything in life like i do this. and sometimes it’s really difficult to set myself apart from you guys, you know? like, i sometimes forget that not everyone’s lives are hellbent on being right here in the position we’re all in right now. so, yeah, sorry. secondly, i want to also apologize for always being so distant and never telling you how i really feel. i’m like that with all of you, though. it’s hard for me to peel the mask away and tell you that i feel dead inside, and that even though i smile at you, it’s always feigned. i’m not a happy person, i haven’t been for a while. you’re a really good person, though. you always worry about me and try to push past the cracks in my walls, and it’s both a blessing and a curse. you’re funny, too - you always make us laugh with how ridiculous you can be. don’t ever change. don’t ever stop making people laugh, jackson.
sincerely,me
dear yao,
i know you want me to rely on you, but i don’t think i ever will. i’m just not built that way anymore. i used to rely on someone very special to me in the past, but he’s gone now because of that very reason, and nowadays the prospect of relying on someone other than me, go minam, makes me sick to my stomach. i also want to say that being the leader of ace may have never been on your to do list, but i’m glad you are. i think you're a kind and thoughtful hyung, even if i don’t agree with the fact that you’d let yourself be placed on hiatus for something as silly as love. tsk tsk tsk. but i’m also envious of you for that very reason. you get to love and be loved and sometimes i get jealous because i don’t think that’ll ever happen for me. again, i don’t think i’m constructed that way, if that makes any sense. i lie to you a lot, also. i always tell you i’m fine and that everything’s okay, but i often feel like my heart is withered and my body is just a plastic cup waiting to be crushed along with the remnants of whatever i have left inside of me. i can’t make you understand. i can’t make anyone understand what is happening inside of me, i can’t even explain it to myself. and that’s why i choose to solve my own problems instead of coming to you boys. i’m sorry for that, but thank you for always trying.
sincerely,me