I’ve accepted I’m nonbinary and my parents know but don’t really understand. They still use female pronouns even though I asked them to use they/them and they just don’t bother because I don’t think they really think I’m really trans. How do I tell them that I may want to go by a different name especially when it is a much more masculine name and how would I handle their complete rejection or invalidation of my enby identity if they asked why I wanted to be a boy since I want a “boy” name now
i say this with the utmost respect and sympathy for you: sometimes our parents purposefully do things that will hurt us, despite knowing better. you cannot stop or control them if this is the path they wish to take. it’s not healthy, its not helpful, and it’s just not right. but that is THEIR decision, and the damage it entails is not ever your fault. you existing is not a reason to apologize.
there is no way to verbally frame something in a way that will stop someone who doesn’t respect your identity from disrespecting your identity. if you choose to share it with them, and i want to stress that access to your REAL identity and life and emotions is a gift you can choose to give away or not, you just need to say, i would like to change my name, here is the new one. not using it for me is a blatant act of violence and disrespect, if that’s what you choose to do.
when i changed my name, most of my friends went along with it, used it for me, and respected me. there were a few people who flat out told me they wouldn’t use it, and when i pressed them about it, it was because they felt like me questioning my identity wasn’t a good enough “excuse,” and that ? apparently my parents knew better.. when they chose my birthname before they met me... which is just.. so ignorant. so i let these people fall out of my life, because i recognized that people have a choice in whether or not to respect you.
i understand that we cannot all cut out parents off, and we may not even want to. but if they are doing things to specifically invalidate and hurt you, that isn’t right, and that isn’t what you deserve. maybe you’re not in a place right now to cut them off, but you can hope for a day when you will have that option IF that’s what you prefer.
what you should takeaway is that, you should always try to surround yourself with people who are good for you and show you love above all else. if you are stuck with people who refuse to do that, it isn’t your fault that they are cruel and hateful, because all humans regardless of identity deserve love and respect. and always, always remember that your reality doesn’t need to be validated by other people. you are enby whether or not your parents use the correct name for you. your choice of a name is valid even if you’re questioning and you change it later. your choice of pronouns and presentation is an expression of you, and that’s beautiful and pure. and other peoples negative opinions are a reflection of their negative self, not of your actual worth that can never be taken away.
-cruz