“Nice outfit,” Quinlan says, eyeing the fur-lined vest and battered yellow pauldrons Obi-Wan has been using for his bounty hunter alter ego since the damned Hardeen mission. (when are they going to stop assigning him the worst fucking jobs??) “Did you wear that for Skeevy Sheev today?”
back in august, obithree began thinking. this was a new concept for them. fortunately for the rest of the obis, they started thinking about making a cake. for the mods. because of pernicious.
anyways.
on november 5th, 2022, this horrible fic hit 1000 hits. yes we stayed up to midnight to keep refreshing. yes we locked it on ao3 to make sure it wouldn't reach 1k before november 5th, seeing as it's destiel day.
two months later, the cake was made. (specifically it was made on january 27-28 and was consumed on the 29th. yes this is almost a month late.) our fic is currently at 1.2k hits.
behold, the wondrous cake. a chocolate cake, soaked in coffee, covered with chocolate whipped cream. in between the layers is raspberry jam. all homemade.
the mystery cake in all it's glory. the cake so mysterious you could almost call it "pernicious."
so, you may have been wondering, how did this fic come to life? how did five friends decide to write a fic together? what inspired this fic? well, gather 'round, for the time has come to reveal all.
it all started 13.7 billion years ago, with the big bang. as you all know, the universe was created in this "big bang." planets, stars, moons, asteroids, nebulas, everything. the universe began to expand. galaxies were created.
we shall zoom in on one such galaxy: the milky way. it's gorgeous, isn't it? the circle of the arms in the emptiness of space, beautiful blues and purples, clusters of stars, all orbiting a black hole. it really makes you feel tiny. let's alleviate that. zoom in even farther.
4.6 billion years ago, the sun was born at the inner edge of the orion arm of the milky way galaxy. the creation of the sun has generally been regarded as a good thing, because it led to the creation of the earth, and thus, us. yes, us. the mods. hi. (we're not talking about the newspaper called "the sun." that's a bad thing.)
the circumstances of the formation of what we identify as "life" are unique and horribly difficult to replicate in the wild. lightning strikes, energy hits atoms just the right way, and voila! we have the molecular building blocks of life — carbohydrates, lipids, proteins, and amino acids.
we're just going to scroll faster, now. bacteria, endosymbiotic theory, blah blah, dinosaurs, meteor, blah blah, ice age, jesus christ may or may not have been born, blah blah, we'll skip the rest of it.
flash forward. july 2022.
i shall tell this to the best of my ability, for it is a complex tale.
i am setting the scene. picture this: it is the 21st of july, 2022. we are all on discord because we're losers and have no life.
mod obi2 has been reading star wars: the clone wars fanfiction, as is their wont. they get off the fanfiction site for a minute to scream into a discord server, as is also their wont. the difference is that this time they have not been using the glorious tagging and filtering system of ao3, instead retreating to fanfiction.net. (horrible move on their part, really.)
"interesting," they say. "i have just discovered an obitine fic in the wild."
mod obi1 jumps in. "that sounds insane," he says. "i like it."
"what," says mod obi2.
"it sounds insane," repeats mod obi1. "i want to analyze it in a lab."
oh, thinks mod obi2. they understand now. "the tine in obitine is not palpatine," they say, calmly, instead of freaking out as would be rational.
"oh," says mod obi1. "never mind."
the conversation ends there. some time later, still on july 21st, 2022, a largely unrelated conversation happens. we are still all on discord because we still have no life.
"what should my next crackfic be about," says mod obi2. "i have many options: mcfic style writing or purple prose."
here we must travel backwards in time for a bit. several months ago, at the tail end of 2021, two of our mods wrote a fic together. it was a strange, surreal fic, and made little sense to anyone looking for seriousness. in this fic, the legend goes, there was a diner. a parody, if you will, but parody implies an intent to critique. the diner was simply an in-universe analog of our universe's mcdonald's. thus, their crackfic gained the nickname "mcfic."
mod obi4 steps in. "mcfic style writing obitine."
(here i find it important to note that prior to us beginning to write pernicious suitor, mod obi4 was not aware of what exactly "mcfic style writing" entailed. they would soon be enlightened.)
mod obi2 sighs. "do you mean. the fandom-accepted meaning of obitine? or..."
mod obi4 gestures to the preceding conversation. "obi-wan kenobi x sheev palpatine, of course."
"ok. i don't think i could write any romantic relationship, much less this romantic relationship," says mod obi2 with remarkable lack of screaming and running away. truly, we should all congratulate them on their impressive amount of self-control.
"i'm not writing anything at this moment. i'll do it," says mod obi4.
mod obi2, inspired by their bravery, resolves to help. "mod obi4," they say, nodding to themself. "i will help you make it worse."
mod obi1 bangs on the (figurative) door. "let me in i have nothing to contribute," he says.
"ok," says mod obi2. "we are decided, then."
and the conversation moves on.
the next day, mods obi1, obi2, obi3, and obi5 are texting. yes, on discord still, because we are still massive losers.
we throw around name suggestions for the in-universe mcdonald's. such suggestions include "mcahsoka's," "mcanakin's," and "mcdex's," but we eventually settle on "mcyoda's."
mod obi2 speaks. "obi1, obi4, and i are going to write a fic in the mcfic style but it's obi wan x palpatine. who wants in."
mod obi3, who is not on the server where yesterday's conversation took place, is taken aback. "OBIWAN X WHO NOW???????" they scream.
"obi-wan x sheev palpatine," replies mod obi2. "should i make a group chat for this?"
"sure," says mod obi5.
and thus, our google doc "done with everything obi wan x himbo palpatine enemies to lovers slowburn speedrun with plot GO:," aka "they would else have been troubled (with such a pernicious suitor)" was born.
and a month later, we are left with a monster of our own creation, forty thousand words and counting of pure, unadulterated crack, featuring a nightmare sequence, god-awful poetry, and a magical girl battle. there are screenplays, seagulls, purple prose, seagulls, audio transcripts, seagulls, philadelphia, pennsylvania, and more seagulls, all within the confines of the pages of the fic.
