Dog Days Diary: Nonstandard
Hey everyone
I’m a mom
I don’t say that a lot, because the ways I am are anything but normal, however I am a mom, and I wanna talk about it
Im an alter in a plural system, I realized this almost a year ago. Realizing that there’s a girl named Poppy who lives with me in this body
I tried to rationalize this a thousand ways, I know it’s stemmed from trauma but I also know that’s not all she is, I figured out that she is as much a person as I am, that we are equal parts
After a bit I figured out that she was a child, after some notes back and forth a some therapy session I learned she’s around 10-11 years old ish. This made me question who I was to her, and her to me.
I tried being a stranger, distant and aloof, but I felt so protective of her, and close to her
I tried being an older sister, defensive but quiet stepping in when needed and helping, but the care I felt was constant, warm and nurturing
I tried to be a caregiver, always there always comforting, helping her navigate the world, with her every step of the way, but I felt too much love for her. A love so deep it shook my soul and warmed my bones
Poppy at this point, had a mother, a friend of ours named Lucy, who is the softest kindest most classically maternal woman ever, she held horrid grief about not having a kid, about never being a mom due to her being trans
She was a mother without a daughter
And late one night, on the couch in our basement poppy called Lucy mom the first time, and Lucy called poppy her daughter
I didn’t believe I could be a mom to poppy because what I can give doesn’t look like motherhood, not like the love that Lucy could give
But, after watching a movie with a friend (the movie was Juno, it’s the adoptive mother teen pregnancy movie of all time) I realized that I wanted to be a mother, and shortly after I realized I was already one
Me and Lucy have been co parenting our daughter for a long time, and it’s been the most wonderful experience ever. And I’ve finally begun understanding that while I will never hold my daughters hand, or brush her hair to patch up her bloodied knees, that even if I’ll never truly be with her, we’re still family. Me, Lucy and Poppy.
It’s hard, and scary and sucks a lot often, knowing I’ll never be like a normal mother, knowing she’ll never have a normal childhood, I’ve shed many tears over many nights about this exactly
One such night, I tried to talk to poppy, about how she deserves better how she should have a normal life, she deserves to grow up in a loving home, with peers her age and parents who can be there for her. Poppy and I can’t communicate well, but sometimes we can get across to each other, so it suprised me a little when I heard her say
“I don’t want normal, I want you and Lucy”
I’m a mom, with a duaghter I share a body with and a co parent who lives hundreds of miles away, despite all of this, I’m a mother
No matter how nonstandard our family is
Run fast, bite hard, bark loud
Peace, love, and gratitude
-Zith Ipeth
(Above is a family portrait that our friends @paracosmic-gt drew for us, we keep it framed and hung by our bed to remind us of what we have. Left to right it is Lucy, Poppy, and me)
