Hwasa - LMM
16.07.2020
I heard the piano and the violin then dropped my phone and tears started to flow. I cried and sobbed quietly cos I don't want them to hear. I badly needed this song. I've been shedding tears within these past few days everytime I let out deep words. But, those tears are out of frustration, anger, worries, shame, concern, regrets from arguments, grievances, memories, my current state and the tomorrow.
When I clicked the MV on YouTube I was excited to watch it as I'm anticipating Hyejin unnie's presence. I've heard the intro a couple of times with teasers but not the whole song. I heard rain and white noises but when the duet of the piano and violin striked followed by her voice that can move mountains, I lost it.
It resonates even though I don't understand the lyrics, it pounded in my core and coated my heart with a feeling I can't even begin to explain. I started to cry and up until I'm writing this while listening to the song, tears just won't stop. Tears that I've been so long holding back then desperately trying to let out for a while. Tears out of asking mercy, asking for help, asking for protection, asking for assurance, asking for hope.
Even there are some good things I have been doing like finishing a song after a long time, reviewing and dissecting music, volunteering, taking care of my mental health, even simply just by breathing, the condensed energy of me feeling off seems to be heavier.
That's why I have been suffering from extreme headaches lately. I didn't took any medicine for it cos I liked the pain. I liked it as much as it is miserably agonizing, I found pleasure in it.
Dark thoughts visit me. Thoughts that I don't want to explore. Thoughts I fight so hard, focusing my attention by holding on to funny videos, goin out or sitting in my room being me. Putting on my headphones and blasting loud songs to forget. Write unfinished songs and few poems as an outlet. Escape just for a while. Nevertheless, there are times it's hard to stay away and I feel angry about it and then guilty for thinking myself as weak.
I started to listen to MAMAMOO August last year and I can proudly say that it is one of the reason how I gained more confidence. Got into self-awareness, self-betterment and self-love.
I don't know how to let her know, or if anyone would see this for that matter but I wanna say that I'm genuinely, sincerely, truly grateful for the people who created this masterpiece and to Hwasa.
Even tho my vocabulary isn't that wide, there are countless more words I wish to express but I find myself running out of them to deeply convey how thankful I am to MAMAMOO. To people behind the curtains who also are collectively part as Mamamoo. To ever-loving MooMoos too! And ofc to each member as an artist, as a person and as an inspiration.
I hope Yong unnie, Byul unnie, Wheenie unnie and Hyegi unnie gets to do that as long as they can. As for me, I will work harder on myself and maybe one day. Oh no, not maybe..
One day, I will get to do that too. Make a difference. Give hope even just for a moment.
Take care. Stay safe. And be kind.
