Anon Advice Asks - March 7
vibes anon (new), fearless anon, bi-awakening anon (new), mortified anon (new), on and off anon (new), midnights anon
Vibes anon
I have a... question
So when people just put like... "any/all" or "I don't know" in their bio for pronouns, what do you use? Cause like I appreciate the rejection of gender but I don't want to like... do the wrong thing. And being online, I fall into the trap of making up like vibes or even appearances for my friends kinda like I do with book people. So I don't want to get into fhe habit of thinking about people wrong. I just don't know how to handle it best. (Coming from someone who doesn't really get gender but doesn't want to make people uncomfy)
Honestly my first reaction whenever I'm unsure is to ask people. But if they really say I can use any, then I tend to switch it up. Because I think when someone says 'any' or 'idc' or whatever, and you tend to go with the pronoun they're like...perceived as by society, then that's almost assigning them a gender? At least it could be taken that way.
But I don't think it's bad to ask clarifying questions!
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fearless anon
hi cas it's fearless anon
so i read this term somewhere it's 'nimby-ist' i think and the meaning's basically a not in my backyard liberalist and that perfectly describes my parents
my mom keeps telling me that i shouldn't wear the fact that i'm gay "on my sleeve" like brother i don't, not really, like my friends know i'm gay and i talk about the girls in our year that i like/have liked with them with codenames and we never bother changing the pronouns so yeah people might've found out from that and the fact that they have no volume control and a few of them know because i actually told them but like i don't go out of my way to make it known, not because i'm secretive about it but like it's not really relevant most of the time so like yeah but like even when i first came out she didn't want me to tell a lot of people or actually anyone at all because i'd get "labelled" and shit and what if something changed later. she had a friend who dated a girl but got married to a guy so now she thinks that maybe somehow i could be the same despite me telling her that i don't like men and am honestly a bit repulsed by them bc the boys my age here that my friends and i have interacted with so far are shit and because she grew up with most of her friends being guys she thinks i just haven't met the "right guy" like tf woman. oh and when i told her that her friend was bi she said that everyone is and i'm willing to bet that if i was straight she would've never said that. and she actually mentioned in the past that i should think about it carefully because it might hold me back in life like it's literally a part of me i can't exactly change it??? also she read a book with a trans mc once but recently she saw a picture of her ex colleague's son who was openly gay already and he looked like he was transitioning or at least looked very fem which my mom obviously took to mean as transitioning and then she's like "yeah i don't have a problem with you being gay straight or bi but i still have a problem stomaching trans people" like she doesn't have a problem maybe but she's definitely not as comfortable with it as she keeps saying she is.
and then my dad. well we don't really talk much about this shit because he's focused more on my academics than any other aspect of my life and doesn't really talk or want to talk about the rest but when i was telling him about how gay marriages may be banned in one of the states, he was like "stop getting so worked up over it and it's not even our country" and no, it isn't legal in our country either which is actually one of the reasons i want to leave but sure whatever.
i mean they aren't homophobic but they're also not not homophobic like they don't have a problem with it in fiction but they, especially my mom idrk about my dad, doesn't really like it irl and unfortunately for her, her daughter is gay.
Okay I'd never heard this term before so I googled it and...yeah, that's so many people, isn't it? but this IS homophobia, because it's still wanting queer people to be treated differently that straight people. And it's believing stereotypes, not wanting to be around queer people, etc.
It sucks that so many people are like that, and I'm glad you can recognize that. I hope you know that no matter who you end up with, it's acceptable and valid and your happiness is what's important.
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Bi-awakening anon
i recently realised sirius black was my bi-awakening, being the androgynous king he is. then i realised he was also my brother's gay awakening. now im confused af. a little advice would be nice. our parents are 100% lgbtq-phobes, so that doesn't make it any easier either. we're twins and all we have for support in this matter is each other, because our friends think we're joking when we say we're bi/gay respectively.
Hi!
I mean a person (real or fictional) can be one than one person's queer awakening, and can make one person realize something different than what another person realizes. Especially in this case, where the person is fictional, it's completely valid for this to happen.
I'm glad you two are able to support each other. If you ever need to talk, I'm here!
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mortified anon
Oh my gosh Cas I was absolutely mortified earlier
I went to my maths classroom but my other maths teacher and a sub were in there so I ran and went to my friend down the hall and pretended I needed a pen and went into the room and one of the boys was like “is she meant to be in here” and my friend said I was just getting a pen and he kept asking if I was supposed to be there and my friend had a go at him like “LEAVE POOR XXXX ALONE” and honestly it felt nice to have someone stand up for me like that but I felt so awkward tho bc like I had to walk right past the teacher to get in 😭
Hi!
I knew this feels embarrassing now, but I PROMISE you that by tomorrow (a few days, tops), ten other embarrassing things will have happened to other people, and your moment will have been forgotten about <3 At least you learned you have a great friend!
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On and off anon
Hey cas
I have a problem
So I'm dating this girl right, we've been in a relationship for almost 2 years now
Its been feeling on and off like idk what to do right
And today this boy asked me out and it got me thinking, should I keep dating her or should I break up with her, should i say yes to him idk cas i don't want people to judge me either
And if I say no, idk how to let him down slowly either
Hi!
Honestly, I think if you're not sure about this girl and you're considering someone else, it's not fair to act like nothings wrong...like you at least need to communicate with her that things don't feel the same. It might be that she says she wants to work through it and when she says that, you decide the same, or maybe she'll say the same and you decide to break up. Or maybe you just decide to break up right away. But like...I feel like if I was in her shoes, and my partner was considering leaving me for someone else and I had no idea? I would be so sad.
And honestly it could just be that you two have grown apart, and that's okay. Sometimes relationships just fizzle, and that's sad, but it doesn't mean anyone did anything wrong. But you need to talk about it with her. It's okay to be confused about your relationship, but I don't think it's okay to like...keep all that from her.
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Midnights anon
Hello! It’s midnights anon! I’m really sorry for sending in another ask
Before I get into the annoying/bad stuff I have good news! I had a good weekend! I read, cooked my own food, listened to vinyl, and I felt content and did my homework in advance. I felt pretty good! I wasn’t all that tired or melancholy, and I even read/annotated for 2 hours straight!
But now that I have school again the bad stuff comes back
I don’t really know who I am honestly? I want to be quiet but I’m still so so overstimulated and overwhelmed at school and I love my friends but… sometimes they make me feel like I’m bothering them? Honestly it doesn’t matter, I just have to hide and push that bad stuff down for later, but it still hurts, y’know? I just wish I knew how to be quieter when overstimulated. I wish I didn’t laugh as loudly or acted the way I did. But it doesn’t matter, still. I have a plan for life and I’ll stick to it. My 5 year plan is mostly for me to organize life in general and learn to exist and be a normal person. The first year (this year) is to be normal. It’s to do my homework, go to school events, and cook, basically use willpower to beat depression, autism, adhd, anxiety, etc.
2nd year I’m not sure, probably physical stuff, like ways I really like dressing and expressing myself, what my brain thrives on when it comes to food and studying, etc., maybe get a job
3rd year is like, interpersonal relationships and stuff and unpack any lingering issues/trauma from it
4th year is my senior year, so it’ll mostly be about studying for SATs and college stuff (I’m planning on becoming a therapist, and I’m really excited. There’s this YouTube channel, cinema therapy, where a therapist and movie director watch and analyze the mental state of movie characters and how the direction interacts with the characters, and I’ve already learned SO much about therapy and the human brain)
And 5th year is (probably?) my first year of college (I’m probably not taking a gap year, but who knows) and I’m gonna use it to settle in to college, and get used to being on my own
Also, I’ve been reading a lot more (most of it being marauders fan fiction) and it’s comforted me so much? It reminds me of my own life in a sense? The marauders being in 4th or 5th year, with talks of a war arising, murmurs about a (clearly evil) guy rising to power and gathering followers, discrimination based on identity/birth status, etc.
And reading the sad fanfics have helped too. It’s like… if bad things happened to the marauders, the betrayal, the death, the breakups, the destruction, the trauma, the pain, the loss, it kinda shows me that good things can happen too? Even if there’s so much pain and anguish, Wolfstar managed to exist in the little moments that weren’t spent fighting a war. It’s made me less afraid of dying, which sounds stupid and weird but I… am not terrified of death?
Obviously I want to live (and I’m really really happy I’ve started to mean those words more and more), but dying doesn’t seem so scary. James and Lily died but their lives were good and exuded kindness and good
With all that said, I have a question
What’s it like being an adult? Like, you have a job and a wife and a life. That’s AWESOME, and I was wondering how different being an adult felt than being a teenager?
I hope you’re having a good day, and thank you for reading. You’re a kind soul and so many people are grateful for you :]
Hi!
I'm so glad you seem to be doing better overall, and you have a five year plan! Trust me when I tell you that nobody has themselves completely figured out- it's okay to not have yourself figured out either.
Being an adult is complicated, lol. I think there's pros and cons...like I miss being a teenagers because being a teenager means you can kind of just...act silly whenever you want, and adults don't bat an eye. When you make mistakes, they tend to be easier to fix. And, if you're lucky, you have things like your housing, food, and basic needs paid for and taken care of.
But when you're an adult, you don't have anyone controlling you. You can make your own decisions and you have a lot more freedom. You have more responsibilities, yes, but you have so many more choices.
I don't know which I prefer in a vacuum, but I'd say I'm happier now.