need queer people who don’t like romance as a genre to stop commenting on the lack of “realism” of queer romance and calling it bad rep. romance is about believability not realism
So I was disappointed by several different shows/movies this year and I’ve been mulling over the whole “Twist ending/We want to subvert expectations” thing. I think I finally have my answer.
If audiences wanted subverted surprise endings then the Hallmark channel wouldn’t exist.
really long thought dump with lots of complaining and some not complaining at the end
you certainly will not regret opening for just the picture if you so desire
👇complaining stuff 👇
physical / mental health
today i can’t stop throwing up, i can’t stop my heart beating so fast, i can’t breathe, and i can’t relax at all. recently i literally cannot think clearly whatsoever. i’ve been having really bad physical health issues every day and it makes me afraid. eating is hard and i get sick, but not eating makes me even more sick.
i keep making poor and impulsive decisions because i literally can’t think straight, from being in pain and from seizures and dissociation and everything else. i can’t focus on my textbooks, i cant focus when people talk to me, i can’t focus on doing things for fun, so i just sit here and waste a bunch of time on social media. every thought gets interrupted by a bunch of other thoughts, and i forget where the first thought even came from, because it’s all a big muddy mess of alters and intrusive thoughts and normal thoughts colliding. every time it’s like “why’d i even say that, what was my point”. even writing this im getting lost. and it’s honestly really embarrassing to be this way. i’m embarrassed a lot of the time but explaining myself would be even more embarrassing so i would rather let people think whatever they think when they see me be so weird and not dig a deeper hole.
college stuff
sometimes i feel like i can’t handle college because of stuff like this. our memory gaps at this time of year are the worst. i try really hard to mask both DID and autism stuff, and pretend i always know what’s going on, but im so exhausted that i can’t do it right.
i’m worried about getting bad grades in my classes because so far this week hasn’t been a good start to the semester. i tried to write a plan for everything for the week that i could. but it throws me off on days i have to leave the house because it makes me so tired that it’s hard to work.
i do feel lucky that i can be in college and learn so many new things, it’s just stressful.
embarrassment
i’m embarrassed too because it’s embarrassing to make mistakes or be weird. but i make so many mistakes every day, both when im alone and when im with other people. and then no matter what happens or what the true damage is from my mistake, i fixate on it forever and ever, i remember mistakes i made years and years ago that everyone involved has certainly forgotten about. i know mistakes are inevitable in life but they’re also terrible and i wish i could become perfect somehow.
it’s also embarrassing to have meltdowns. i really hurt my head from having a meltdown yesterday because i hit my head with my hands and there’s a bruise. i’m disappointed too because i had gone one year without sh but now i have to start over.
it’s tricky and embarrassing trying to learn how to talk with other people. it’s hard to strike a balance between listening and speaking. at least i hope i can learn more skills since im in a communication class. sometimes i wish i could hang a big sign full of disclaimers around my neck so that i didnt have to explain embarrassing things during embarrassing moments. there’s never a good time to explain the things i want to explain, and my life makes people uncomfortable anyways, i think. i just want to blend in like a chameleon.
👇non complaining stuff yay👇
regression
my favorite plushie to hold at night right now is my otter because he’s soft and squishy but he doesn’t have a name. i love my plushies and i’ve had a lot of fun spending time with them lately. it helps me be more relaxed when i regress. i’m a little bit weird with age because i feel like im a kid who’s an adult who doesn’t want to be a kid. but then regressing makes me feel more peaceful about it.
regression is actually really important to me but i find it hard to talk about
journaling
it makes me feel a lot better to write some things here than just in a journal, i don’t know why. it’s a good format. whenever i try to write stuff in my notes, it gets lost with all my other stuff. i would put a password on my blog but i don’t really care that much/it doesn’t matter to me. i like that nobody is forced to read or reply to it but they can still see if they want + it feels awkward to me to vent to somebody’s face. it’s nice to be myself in a low pressure place.
i have been back in my private journal too though which i’m glad about. i was really into journaling in 2023(?) and making a bunch of beautiful spreads but i got out of the habit.
headmates
for a while it has been really hard for anyone to talk to each other, but it’s been getting a little bit better, like me(kiyo) and iz and 💌 are hanging out right now, and it’s nice. even though it’s hard to have amnesia, i’m glad my headmates are with me. i like to listen to music together and see all the differences and similarities between our taste.
side note i really do prefer the word headmates but it’s sooo much longer to type than alter.
OCs
i really think a lot about my OCs these past days. i was thinking about making a side blog about them since they’re not really fitting into my theme of my main blog, but i also just use my main blog for whatever i want anyways…
a lot of my OCs are reflections of myself or parts of myself and it’s cathartic to play with them.
ok thanks for listening i feel better now love you so much 🫶
also here’s a really big crab plushie i saw at walmart - Iz
