#mou leipeis..

[spottedheart]

... I know I probably sound nuts... but I feel you here tonight. I know it's my probably just my mental stuff but... I felt you. Merry Christmas, love. And Merry Christmas to everyone else. I hope you've been able to spend them with loved ones. Enjoy every minute you get with those who love you, especially if things are calm. Seems comfortable, quiet moments are precious and few these days.

[spottedheart]

Gods I miss you All of these Christmas movies... they just remind me of how excited you'd get about Christmas. I- I just... I wish we could have... -sigh- Gods, I miss you....

[spottedheart]

For those who don’t know, Miitomo updated to where you can do a bunch of new customizing things. It also made it so that you can answer questions from your side mii’s, and they’re always framed as a sort of “I can’t recall, can you remind me?” sort of question from them. I.... I’d had a mii of my ex from before that update. The one I lost last year, who’s the reason for the ‘Mou leipeis..’ tag I use?

Suddenly having a version of him asking me to remind him who he is/what he likes and dislikes is very surreal and admittedly almost made me start crying last night. I wonder who else is suddenly having/getting to talk to little ghost-miis of exes and friends and other people that they loved that they’ve lost. I wonder how many people are.

[spottedheart]

And now I can't stop giggling because imagining my ex-boyfriend as a little kid singing "Just Can't Wait to Be King" from the Lion King.

[spottedheart]

Last night, I went to bed scared and feeling pretty alone. I’d gotten scared, because remembering a promise before I lost him. He’d promised he’d remember me, and for a few reasons I was suddenly scared that he couldn’t, that maybe he really was completely gone, or at least any part of him that would know or care about me. I’d gotten very upset, wondering if I was the only thing, in this world or any other, who had held on to those memories. Who still holds them close, who still cherishes them. I didn’t sleep well because of it. Woke up in tears for the first time in a while, afraid of having angered and disappointed a few people. Shook it off. Pulled myself together. Decided to wear a few things with feathers on them today- felt like I needed the reminders. First class, was distracted and out of it. On the way to my second class, started bickering with Lync again- he was trying to make it worse. Twist the knife. Say how of course he couldn’t remember, of course he wouldn’t remember me. Saying that everything we’d had was meaningless, that it was nothing. And that was when I decided that no, it didn’t make a difference if he could remember me or not. Because I remember him. I remember how he made me feel, I remember what he wanted for me and what we had. I remember that love. I remember him. So it all meant something, meant the world, if only to me. My second class went by quickly and was interesting... Though when I left, my heart about stopped. My ipod has been dying at startup, so I tend to leave it on low during classes- which means I get some random songs whenever I put it back on to listen. This time, it was Vanilla Twilight of all things. “And I’ll forget the world that I knew, but I swear I won’t forget you. Oh, if my voice could reach back through the past, I’d whisper in your ear: Oh darling, I wish you were here.” I’d associated the song with him before he was gone, and that verse in particular had me bawling on my way to my next class. I was a mess. I knew it was stupid, but a part of me was saying “I hear you” in response. A part of me was grabbing for it to have meant something more, while the other was bitterly reminding me that it was just a coincidence. ... Made it through that class, then came home for a bit. I’ve never been super social, but I’d set up a time to study with a couple random classmates for an exam that’s coming up. Went to that for a few hours, and on the way back was thinking of him, and how badly I wished I’d had something to hold onto that was from him. A memento sort of thing, a charm, anything. I came to the conclusion that my feather trinkets would have to suffice, cause I obviously wasn’t going to be able to receive anything from him or even voice the idea these days. Then I decided to take the bus- something I usually never do, because I prefer to walk. I’m still not sure why I did. But. This rambling has a point. Because as I walked home from the bus stop, something caught my eye underfoot. And I did a double-take because it looked like one of my wing/feather charms, but bigger. About an inch an a half long instead of my little centimeter ones. So I turned around and... It was. It was just a small, silver-looking wing charm. Just... sitting there. Not broken or damaged any way I can see, and just... really obviously visible. .... I know it’s silly to think it’s from him. But the series of impulses and choices meaning that I would go by where it was and find it... Well. I feel like there’s something out there to thank. I hear you. I get it. I’ll hold on to this charm for a bit... I’ll try not to doubt your promise so much. Thanks, Universe.

[spottedheart]

Spent the last 7-8 or so hours in the art building working on prints. Just got home and settled. When I left the art building, the sun was just starting to rise. I could see the lighter sky, but also the stars. Winter constellations are coming back, and they’re familiar to me. … Gemini’s two brightest stars were shining directly overhead in the direction I needed to go to get home.

…. Thank you, love. I know my way home, and I made it safe. I’m glad to see your stars shining in my skies again, no matter how silly that may sound.

[spottedheart]

Dear ex boyfriend/ex girlfriend/ex datemate, (Don't know what you're into :3)

Haha, oh gosh. The bad thing is that anymore, I dunno which one to write to. I guess most recent, because the other two I don't have much to say to anymore. 

Dear ex-boyfriend,

Honestly, it still hurts to call you an 'ex'. I wish we would have had more time, and I wish that you were here. You're still with me, in some ways, and I hope you know how much that helps... how much you helped me. Thank you for loving me, and showing me that I deserved love. Thank you for becoming my guardian, and for never giving up on me. Thank you, so much, for everything. I intend to keep my promises to you, and I reallly hope that you're happy wherever you are. Thank you, my angel. Love you and miss you.

[spottedheart]

I just got an idea. Just to keep a small notebook with me- I know which I'd use- and just... draw something every time I miss him. A flower, a feather, something simple. Something small. Probably flowers. I'll create a garden for him in my books.