I. Toxic High School.
Then, in 1999 I went to a toxic private high school. Not as bad as my primary school, but still bad. More intelligent people but still mean and toxic. My health problems continued and my behaviour was also toxic, mirroring the nature of that place. I didnāt have good grades. I ended up the with average of 2.0/6 and 2.0 from behaviour due to all the absences.
I hated most of my class and I was miserable which was made even worse by obsessive thoughts and insomnia.
II. Normal High School.
After the end of the first year, I finally started adamantly insisting on getting transferred (due to psychological abuse and being forced to go on a several-day long school trip where everyone except me and another student got drunk. At least I got to shot at the mean girls with a sling after they got drunk, though XD ). Tried getting to an art high school but wasnāt accepted due to poor grades, finally, I got into a normal public high school.
It wasnāt toxic like my previous school, but I hard time finding myself there. My first class was Ā cool, but I mostly kept to myself. I failed that year (2nd class, 2000/2001) due to my absences and had another class.
I still had a lot of problems getting to school due to IBS (made much worse by undiagnosed haemorrhoids) and school phobia and insomnia. My attacks of rage decreased in frequency, though. I passed 2nd year (2001/2002) only because I had individual teaching mode where teachers would come to my home. There was a fraud attempt where they didnāt send teachers to me for months and just pocketed money for my individual teaching. Finally after a complaint to the city president, they stopped teaching and sent in the teachers. I got average of 2.8 and 2.0 from behaviour due to all the absences.
I had a lot of problems because my mother and my evil-ex-father didnāt understand how badly hurt I was and how my studying abilities decreased and were blaming me for my poor school performance.
During that time I faced financial strains because my motherās company was doing worse because unions in her field of work were making money on training masses of people and soon market was over-saturated. Meanwhile my child support wasnāt increased for several years despite that in that time minimal wage and costs of living have doubled and the inflation made the value of the money 2x less.
So, I was dealing not only with lasting effects of trauma, but also with existential threat of poverty. Despite that the abuse at school ended, instead I was subjected to financial terror and wasnāt receiving enough assistance.
On 3rd year (2002/2003) I didnāt want to continue individual teaching mode because I was extremely lonely and miserable without going out to school and meeting my class.
This time I was getting into metal and found some cool nice friends that also listened to metal and played cRPGs. So, we had a lot to talk to. They lived near me, so weād meet after school from time to time. I still felt lonely and miserable until I got internet access in 2004.
I didnāt manage to finish that year. I ended up with average of 1.9 and was kicked out of school. They recommend me going to a weekend school for adults. (I was 19 in 2003).
Our financial situation kept getting worse and early attempts at starving me started because my evil-ex-father didnāt want to give me higher child support to compensate rising food costs and lower incomes of my mother.
III. The 2nd Great Treachery
In 2003 I went to the weekend school. It was much closer to my home (both of my previous high schools were 3km away from my home.) and they wouldnāt police my attendance as badly as in the day schools, so I had greater chance of finishing it.
My evil ex-father decided that since Iām going to a weekend school I should work and that he wonāt support me any more.
He stopped paying child support. I couldnāt go to work, because I was unable to have normal attendance.
Anyway, these financial problems were very demoralising. Whatās the point of doing anything when one is still treated like shit.
So, due to that treachery I started new school with even higher levels of stress.
During the 5th semester (2003) I had average of 2.3.
During the 6th semester (2004) I had average of 2.4.
In that time we sued my former father for higher child support (and to start paying again). A delusional subhuman judge decided that I should go to work despite having health trouble that prevented me from normally attending to school and took away my child support.
I had health trouble and these monsters tried to starve me for it, itās so evil.
Anyway, we took it to second instance of court and they restored alimony but refused to raise it to a decent level but delusionally insisted Ā that I should work.
So, I had a psychiatric opinion based on tests from 09.2003 that stated that:
-I have a personality disorder.
-I have above average level of intelligence and non-harmonic development.
-I have severe deficits in language skills and general knowledge (due to absences in school).
-I have severe deficits in graphomotorical skills.
-I have significant deficits in duration of memory traces of fresh visual memory, ability to focus at will and motion-sight coordination.
-These deficits suggests organic damage of central nervous system.
-Emotionally unstable personality, very high level of general anxiety, with a lot of somatic symptoms limiting my everyday functioning (IBS, shaking body).
-Due to these disorders, I was not able to continue studying in day school.
-Conclusion: Due to emotional state Iām not capable of working.
Yet these subhuman monsters against all reason wanted me to somehow get a job and keep it.
Anyway, he didnāt pay child support anyway and we had serious financial trouble all the time. He was hiding his incomes and it was hard to execute any money from him. Meanwhile he bought himself a second apartment to invite whores into it.
In 2004 one thing got better. Internet access finally became affordable and I got into video game modding communities. I felt less lonely and modding was a great hobby. Back then I was still capable of focusing on complex things that caught my interest (that is not school stuff) and being very creative, I also used to have sense of humour back then.
I was capable of printing out complex modding stuff and learning to do it. Itās a shame I didnāt get into programming back then.
During year 4 - 2004/2005, on Semester VII I got average of 3.0. I had to repeat it, first, though.
Using internet helped me to drastically improve my English skills which helped me to improve my average grades.
IV. Full-blown PTSD or something thing
Before VIIIth semester a bad thing happened. In September 2005, I was attacked by a single hooligan multiple times.
My health state has worsened again:
-I have much worse memory and concentration problems to the point where Iām not able to learn complex things related to my hobbies any more.
-I have no concept of long-term future. I constantly feel like my life is going to be cut short.
-I had violent nightmares for 2 years every night.
-I felt constantly threatened outside and I avoided going out because it was very stressful.
-I became obsessed with idea of extermination of violent criminals and treated everyone who didnāt support it as an enemy. Completely lost my cool in online discussions.
-I became hyper-vigilant.
-Lost a lot of my sense of humour.
-I have difficulty with talking fluidly to people.
I started training Krav-Maga and I got more confrontational and able to stare down potential attackers.
One time a guy I knew grabbed my backpack (I havenāt noticed him when walking) when passing by me. I immediately clenched my teeth and raised my fist to hit him when he started shouting something like āHey, itās me!ā.
Turned out he and few other friends walked by and I havenāt even noticed them. They were all convinced he was going to lose his teeth.
So, it all got worse.
I barely finished high school with score average grades of 3.0 (again due to English and one bullshit subject that practically didnāt require studying called Knowledge About Society) in 12.2005.
I have spent 6,5 years struggling to get through high school.
I passed maturity exam with 2 and 2 from Polish, 4 and 5 from English and 5 from Knowledge About Society. So, I had no chance to get to a free college. Or ability to finish college at all while weāre at it.
