When I kicked off this Tumblr just over six year ago, one of my aims was to make this a space that, mostly, wasn't about my work. As I stated on the original version of the About’ page for this Tumblr,
“This is place where you’ll find my musing on things that, mostly, aren’t work. I say mostly because there will still be randomness about technology and geek stuff here. Mostly this is a place for the assorted thoughts that aren’t, or shouldn’t be, associated with the blogging I do in a more professional setting.“
Of course work related stuff has crept in. There has been posts about the stress and challenges of work, because these have an effect at a personal level. A couple of years ago I also Tumblred my experiences with a business/life coach. Some of the topics covered were strictly professional, but many of the ideas had broad application and influenced how I approached life at the time.
Over the last couple of years, MostlyNotWork has primarily become a journal recording the books I'd been reading. When I started down that path, I was mostly reading fiction. The non-fiction tended to be poly books, or other books with little connection to my work.
As we went into the back end of 2016, that balance started to shift. I've been reading more books related to my work and professional development, as well as books that would be better discussed on my other blog.
But that's not what I wanted this Tumblr to be about. It's also depriving me of content for my other blogging ventures, as I'm determined to try and keep my pseudonymous Tumblr and ‘real name’ blog separate.
So I probably won't be posting any more work related book reviews here. Anything not work related I'll try to write up here. So hopefully there will still be a new book each month or so.
And perhaps, just perhaps, I will find the time to get this Tumblr back to what it's original manifesto was:
It’s a blog about life - what has happened to me, what is happening now, my hopes for the future. It’s a blog about love of people, pastimes and things both simple and complex. It’s a blog about friendships, family and relationships. It is about a journey of discovery in the world of non-monogamy and polyamory. A forum for the photography that doesn’t fit elsewhere. It’s a place for exploring half formed ideas about politics and technology before putting them in to more hostile places. And it is a place for the random observations that don’t have anywhere else to fit in my life.”
First up - apologies for the lack of posting. Life has been busy. But life has also been, for the most part, quite good. Sure, there are things that could be better, worked on and improved. That’s always the case. But on the balance, life seems to be going well and I’m feeling fairly happy with how my life is going. If I had a machine that let me siphon off some of the happy to help lift up those who aren’t doing so well, then I would.
This is a fairly lengthy post, but I wanted those who have been following me a while to get a proper update on where things are for me at the moment. If you just want the tl:dr version, click to expand then scroll to the bottom
I’m back running again, and already achieved the first goal I had set myself - 3 miles in under 30 minutes. This year hasn’t been a great one in terms of my running. The first couple of months I missed due to a calf muscle tear. I then had a couple of months off work due to mono (glandular fever). Even once I went back to work, I struggled to stay healthy - frequently falling sick again just as I started to feel well enough to try exercising.
At the start of October I decided to try, once more, to get back to exercising regularly. I set myself a modest goal - to be able to run 3 miles in under thirty minutes by Christmas. Through running and riding a few times a week, I’ve already beat that target twice, which feels great.
I’ve lost 17lbs and I’m back to my normal weight range. I wouldn’t describe myself as someone who struggles with weight issues, but over the last six months the lack of exercise, combined with some poor eating habits had led to me gaining weight. At the start of October I was about 17lbs over my typical adult weight. The increased exercise, in conjunction with being more sensible about my calorie intake, has seen my lose those extra pounds.
Again, it was a goal I wanted to achieve by Christmas, so it feels great to also have reached that target ahead of time. The challenge now will be to keep it off over the Christmas and New Year festivities. I’m hoping though, that the holiday period will give me sufficient time in my day to be active and burn off the extra calories.
I’m still on track to meet my goal of reading a book a month. This month - Specials, by Scott Westerfeld.
I submitted my first entry in a short story competition. Given how many (aspiring) writers there are on Tumblr, this probably doesn’t seem that big a deal. But it does mark a change for me. Since I left college, most of my creative writing has been for a restricted audience. My stories have been written for specific people or groups of people. Even posting stories here on Tumblr is still to a relatively restricted audience, especially as I can’t recall anyone ever reblogging any of my creative stuff. (Some of the poly stuff does get reblogged, but my most popular recent post was a cat picture. Seems the interwebs really do LOVE cats.)
So why a short story competition? Well, it gave me a deadline and a purpose. Both those things help me to focus and actually get things done. Knowing my story is actually competing for attention also forced me to spend more time on researching and reviewing it.
I emailed my cousin a barrage of questions about his experience as a firefighter, so that I could get the technical and procedural bits of the story right. The story was read and reread more times than normal. Mrs Menow, Rainbow and my mom all provided feedback.
The story is very unlikely to even rate a mention, let alone win a prize. Still, writing it was a good experience. It has given me an insight in to how much time I would need to set aside if I wanted to submit a similar length story for competition or publication every month.
Mrs Menow and I came out as poly to a friend of ours. It’s a couple of years since we’d seen our friend ‘Bean’, as he has been working overseas. Of all our college friends, we figured that the guy who goes to Burning Man is probably the least likely to have an issue with poly. When Bean asked us if we had any big news, Mrs Menow and I were too busy giggling to give him a straight answer at first.
In the end, it was when we were discussing the fact that most of our friends had moved to other cities that we wove in the fact we were spending a lot more time elsewhere these days.
“Oh? How come?” Bean asked.
“Well, I have a girlfriend who lives there.” I replied. Thereupon Mrs Menow and I brought him up to speed on things. In the end, our disclosure was rewarded with one of his own - that he had met someone while in Europe and they were flying in to spend Christmas with Bean and his folks.
In the end, it was a bit of an anti-climax. But that’s probably a good thing, and maybe reason to consider being more open with some of our other friends.
Mrs Menow and Rainbow are all kinds of wonderful. I am extremely fortunate to continue to share my life with these two amazing and fascinating women. In a great example of “You know you’re poly when...” the two of them spent all of last night looking at holiday cruises online and planning a trip away for all of us.
Fun with the boys: the growing Menow Jnr and spending time with Rainbow’s boys. Menow Jnr is growing up. He has better swimming technique than I do, for his age can climb better than me, and can whip my butt at most of the XBox games that have been deemed age appropriate for him to play. He is progressing with his piano lessons and is developing his own sense of humour - and style of argument. But most important of all, I’m just having fun spending time together.
The last couple of months have also given me the opportunity to spend a couple of weekends with Rainbow’s teenage boys. While we’re all still sorting each other out, I quite enjoyed my last visit. The weekend involved suit shopping, tennis, pizza, Dr Who, Quantum of Solace, and a discussion of what iPad games we were each playing at the moment. Though its nice for Rainbow and I to have time to ourselves, I’m actually looking forward to my next visit where they will be around.
tl:dr - It’s been a busy month, but a positive one.
I’m back running again, and already achieved the first goal I had set myself - 3 miles in under 30 minutes.
I’ve lost 17lbs and I’m back to my normal weight range.
I’m still on track to meet my goal of reading a book a month.
I submitted my first entry in a short story competition.
Mrs Menow and I came out as poly to a friend of ours and it went well.
Mrs Menow and Rainbow are all kinds of wonderful.
Fun with the boys: the growing Menow Jnr and spending time with Rainbow’s boys.
Is there a word for that special satisfaction when a colleague suddenly changes the topic of conversation because they realize you know more about a topic than they do?
To begin with, a 'thank you' to the people who read 'Hot Coffee' and got in touch to check that I was ok. I'm fine, but its comforting to know that people are paying attention.
I think part of what had Mrs Menow concerned is that she knows that my writing, even creative writing, is "linked in" to me at some level. And I guess she is right. 'Hot Coffee' was fiction but it was an amalgam of things from the 'real world'.
The inspiration for the story actually came about a few weeks ago when I was quite stressed out about missing the deadline on a project. I was making Mrs Menow her morning cup of tea and as I was pouring the hot water, I found myself momentarily thinking 'what if' I burnt myself.
It was very momentary. I have never self-harmed and I certainly had no intention of pouring hot water on myself. But it started me thinking about the people I know who have self-harmed and just how dark a place one must be in to actually cross the threshold from thought to action. It invoked a strong emotional response in me.
And at the moment I knew I had the basis for a great short story. Something that would be challenging to write and quite different to the sort of thing I normally write. I knew it wouldn't be good to try and write it at the time, so I've had the idea stored away for a few weeks now.
As for the amalgam of real life - the deadline part was certainly drawn from my own stress, but the emotions and thoughts were conjured up from my imagination. The kettle came about because I needed a reflective surface. The green granite bench top was similarly chosen because I needed the contrast to the characters pale skin... not appreciating until after I had written it that our own bench top is a dark green.
In the end I had a short story I was happy with, written and edited in the late hours of one evening.
I am ok, but its reassuring to know the support is there when and if I need it. And if any of my friends find themselves in that place, I hope that I will have the courage and strength to be there to help to the extent I can.
[The scene - Mr Menow's home. Mr Menow is sitting at his desk. He is dressed quite casually in a maroon polo shirt and jungle green pants. A glass filled with ice and ginger beer sits on the table behind him.]
Interviewer: Hello, it's been a while since our last interview. Do you mind sharing a bit of your time with the audience today?
Mr Menow: Sure, go ahead. What would you like to talk about today?
Interviewer: Well, perhaps a quick chat about poly life?
Mr Menow: [pauses] Ok. But its just been regular stuff mostly.
Interviewer: That's fine.
Mr Menow: Well, last weekend we took a bit of a road trip.
Interviewer: We?
Mr Menow: Yeah, Mrs Menow, Menow Jnr , MNB and his daughter. We went on a bit of a road trip.
Interviewer: Where did you go? What did you do?
Mr Menow: We took a bit of a drive out of the city and away from our regular lives. Actually, for the firts part of the trip Mrs Menow drove with the kids and MMb and I caught the train since it was quicker for us to leave straight from work.
Interviewer: Ok.
Mr Menow: So we met up Friday night at the motel we had booked - which wasn't quite what we were expecting.
Interviewer:: Oh, how so?
Mr Menow: The impression we were given when we booked was that the family room was two separate motel rooms with a door between them. What we actually got was a motel room with a second room tacked on the back. Which meant five of us living in the one space and having to share the one bathroom. Not impossible mind you, but not what we were expecting.
[Mr Menow pauses to take a mouthful from his cup.]
Mr Menow: Saturday we went to an amusement park for most of the day, then out for dinner before returning to the motel and getting the kids off to bed.
Interviewer: So there you were Saturday night, Mrs Menow , yourself and MMB. Awkward?
Mr Menow: [Laughs} No. We took turns playing chess and checkers for a bit, then I crashed out on the bed and watched tv whilst Mrs Menow and MMB had cuddles on the lounge. Eventually MMB went to bed so I got cuddles with Mrs Menow too.
Interviewer: Sounds like she was spoiled.
Mr Menow: Well, she got to spend the weekend with two guys who love her and get cuddles from both. So I think so.
Interviewer: And Sunday?
Mr Menow: Forest walk, then lookout, then stopped in at a Buddhist temple on the way home to take some photos and generally relax. So mostly all just the sorts of things regular folks do - except we did it with MMB and his daughter. I mean, 90% of the time it was no different to if we had been doing it with any of our friends and their kids.
Interviewer: So overall thoughts and take-out from the weekend?
Mr Menow: Overall pretty positive experience. It's the first time we've actually all gone away together rather than spent time together at home, and I think it went well. There was probably a couple of times where I felt a little overwhelmed, but that was more to do with having an extra child in the equation. But Mrs Menow spotted it when I was feeling that way and I snapped out of it pretty quick.
[Mr Menow pauses and takes another sip from his drink.]
Mr Menow: And actually having MMB there worked out pretty well for Sunday when I wanted to take lots of photos. Sometimes Mrs Menow gets bored waiting for me to take pictures... this trip she and MMB were able to walk ahead with the kids and leave me to photograph in peace.
Interviewer: That sounds good.
Mr Menow: Yeah, and then later MMB went ahead with the kids so Mrs Menow and I could have a casual walk by ourselves for a bit without two hyperactive kids. So there's definitely advantages to going as a group.
Interviewer: So that was last weekend... what about this most recent weekend.
Mr Menow: Well, yeah, it has a poly angle too. Mrs Menow's ex stayed with us on his way to a conference.
Interviewer: How did that go?
Mr Menow: Well, my impression. It went well. He and Mrs Menow spent quite a bit of time talking. I think they needed proper closure so they could move on and go back to being friends the way they were before they started sleeping together.
Interviewer: Did they get it?
Mr Menow: I think Mrs Menow did, and thats what matters most to me. She seems more at peace now with where things stand between them. Things can never be exactly like how they were I guess, but she seems more content.
Interviewer: Well, that's good.
Mr Menow: It is.
Interviewer: Well, thanks for the update.
Mr Menow: No worries, and maybe some day in one of these updates there will be some news from me.
[Interviewer and Mr Menow laugh. Interview concludes.]
Generally Mr Menow is a fairly calm, composed and rational sort of guy. But there are times when I do get a bit emotional and upset by stuff, and its worth knowing what to do - and what not to do in that sort of situation.
So first, some background on what happened last night. Mrs Menow and I had gone to bed early, but as Mrs Menow was a little stressed out we ended up spending a good hour or more talking. We talked about our life together, our poly journey, about the different relationships we have with people, about the meaning of love and the people we love. It was emotionally intense - but in a very positive way and it was followed by another emotionally intense experience for both of us.
So a good couple of hours after we first ventured to the bedroom, we were getting ready to go to sleep, Mr Menow still in a fairly emotionally hyped state.
And then the email arrived.
It was formal notice from our building manager that one of the neighbours had complained about Menow Jnr and I playing ball in the courtyard of the building. If we did not stop, we could be fined.
This really upset me. That half hour or so hanging out with Menow Jnr after work means a lot to me. Mrs Menow told me she would speak to the building manager and try to sort something out. But in my emotional state, I was both extremely angry and also upset.
And here, dear friends, lover and others - is where I would encourage you to listen up closely.
When Mr Menow is upset to the point of being in tears - reason, rationality and perspective have most likely left the building. Therefore suggesting I "get a grip" (or snap out of it, or get over it etc) is probably not going to help. It may even make things worse since it can make me feel like I am being belittled for not being stronger and that my feelings don't matter.
So what should one try? A hug and a bit of reassurance will usually do the trick. I don't expect people to lie to me and tell me things will be 'ok' if they won't. I will probably resent that. But holding me close and just seeing me through until I can compose myself will always be appreciated.
An interview with Mr Menow: Part 2 - Talking Tumblr
[The scene - The morning light is shining through the window of the train. Mr Menow is in his usual black suit, wearing a pale blue shirt and dark blue tie. Buildings flash by in the background as Mr Menow taps at his laptop. He pauses, removes a half-eaten packet of peppermint Mentos from his pocket and pops one in his mouth before resuming typing.]
Interviewer: Mr Menow, it’s been a couple of days now since you kicked off your new site. How are things going?
[Mr Menow stares at the interviewer and points to his cheeks]
Interviewer: Um yes, sorry about that. Ok, let me ask a longer question then.
[Mr Menow nods, then tilting his head forward looks over his glasses at the interviewer]
Interviewer: Well, this isn’t your first blog is it. You’ve actually been blogging, in other places, for a while now. For the geeks out there - why did you choose Tumblr?
Mr Menow: Why Tumblr? A few reasons I guess. I’ve used Blogspot, Blogger and Wordpress in the past. Most recently I’d set up my own install of Wordpress - you know, with my own domain name and web hosting rather than on Wordpress.com. I did it because I liked the customisation and the plug ins that let me automate a lot of stuf likef backups and security. It was a good experience all round.
Interviewer: So why the switch?
Mr Menow: I guess Wordpress and going through all that was a good learning experience, and its given me a good platform and site for formal writing and more professional blogging. But for Mostly Not Work I wanted something simple. Something different that would let me be a bit creative. I’d really liked the IBM ‘Smarter Planet’ Tumblr and thought I’d give it a go.
Interviewer: Ok - and how are you finding it?
Mr Menow: Lots to like, a couple of annoyances. Tumblr makes it really easy to do bite sized posts. That matters. It actually lets me make more frequent short posts. On my Wordpress, because its more formal writing and a more formal site, I kind of feel obligated to write longer and better edited posts. The way Tumblr is set up, and when you add the app for my phone in, I reckon , well hope, I’ll be able to find time to post something at least every couple of days.
[Mr Menow takes a breath, pauses typing to look out the window a moment, then continues]
Mr Menow: I also like the audience interactivity. Ok, so commenting isn’t the same as normal blogs but Tumblr lets the audience ask questions and even submit their own stuff for review and possible posting.
Interviewer: The annoyances?
Mr Menow: It’s probably a bit early to be too harsh. I really was hoping for an easy way to have password protected posts - so that only certain people would see certain posts.
Interviewer: Isn’t this an open tumble-log?
Mr Menow: Well, yeah it is to a point. But my audience is larger than one. I don’t know how many random people will show up to take a look. I’ve invited a couple of trusted friends over here too because I like an audience, like to entertain to a crowd. And mostly that’s what’ll be on show - entertainment. Well, if a window in to the random stuff that is expunged from my mind passes for entertainment.
Interviewer: So why private posts?
Mr Menow: Because. Because some stuff might just be meant for my friends. Or certain friends. Or a single person. And my annoyance is that, because of the way Tumblr sets up your default tumble-log, I cant find an easy way to do this. So I’m annoyed by that. I’m also annoyed that audience interaction wasn’t as easy as advertised. Maybe I chose a bad template, I dunno.
Interviewer: Any solutions?
Mr Menow: No, not yet. I’ve got a couple of ideas to explore. I’ll get there. Most of what I write is so cryptic anyway that only those in the know will know, and those who aren’t can have fun making up stuff and pretending its about them anyway.
[In the background, skyscrapers have begun to replace the medium rise apartments.]
Interviewer: Thanks for another insight Mr Menow:
Mr Menow: No worries,
[Mr Menow powers down his laptop before shoving it roughly in to his backpack and joining the crush of passengers waiting to exit the train.]
