#mrsdoctormuffin

[mrsdoctormuffin]

I can see myself spending the rest of my life with you. You in my life or near me. Whether we're lovers, best friends or just people who come together to play video games, I enjoy you. I hope you know that. I think I've found my person and it's you. It's fine if you don't feel the same way, it's fine if you find someone else and don't want me in your life. I got to meet you and I got to experience such an extraordinary soul and I can live with that. I feel connected to you even if we are two very different people. I like you and I just want you to be happy.

[mrsdoctormuffin]

When I say something stupid in a conversation, I immediately break off from speaking. I stop messaging or just say excuse me and walk away. So I can spare others of my stupidity and hide away until I feel I've earned talking to people again. Because I am terrible at conversations and will try to keep people away from my stupidity as best as I can, ultimately fail, and regret ever being allowed to speak words.

[mrsdoctormuffin]

When normal people like someone, they tell them and take rejection or get accepted back and are happy. When I try to do it... Let's just say it doesn't end well. I fear rejection, making things weird, it usually involves having crushes on my friends which never ends good, and I run away to the hills. This is why I'm single, this is why I plan on continuing to be single. I am unworthy and do not want to ruin something beautiful like a friendship. Also I'm awkward and not great in relationships of more than just friendships. Except if it's long distance, but even then I'm still a wreck. I'm okay with being alone, and will more than likely die alone. I'm fine with that, I accept that. I wouldn't want to put someone through such bs. Even if I wouldn't mind waking up to good morning texts and being called honey or sweetie by someone I equally enjoy being around. But that's just how life is and I accept it. I just wish I wasn't so afraid... But I know deep down its better this way.

[mrsdoctormuffin]

Meds aren't working today. The sadness is winning. I'm just letting it... I don't care today.

[mrsdoctormuffin]

Spent all day rewritting and editing. I've been stuck on the same chapter opening for the last couple of days. It just now came to me. Practice makes perfect.

[mrsdoctormuffin]

You ever reach a moment where you're four chapters in to deep in a story that's already gotten tons of views... And you just want to backpedal and rewrite the chapters because their weak and could use improvement, but you're afraid it'll confuse the people that have already read it...

So you just contemplate deleting the story all together. You ever feel that? Because I am feeling that so hard right now... I know it seems like I'm complaining but I am really at a wall. I love writing but I always feel like this when I go for a long in depth story.

Maybe I should just accept the trash that I am and lay with it accordingly.

[mrsdoctormuffin]

I'm at that low point again where I just want to stop writing because I think everything I write is awful. My fics get decent views... But the readers don't deserve garbage, they deserve gold. One of which I feel I am incapable of giving anyone.

[mrsdoctormuffin]

So I got three hours of sleep and my body was all like "that will suffice... That seems more than enough."