“Midnight, Bonaventure Cemetery,” 1993 by Jack Leigh
* * * *
“The road to wisdom? — Well, it’s plain
and simple to express:
Err
and err
and err again
but less
and less
and less.
Put up in a place
where it’s easy to see
the cryptic admonishment
T.T.T.
When you feel how depressingly
slowly you climb,
it’s well to remember that
Things Take Time.”
— Piet Hein, German physicist and poet, inventor of the Astro Calendar, the poetry genre known as “grook” and the super-ellipsoid known as “superegg”, and direct descendant of the 16th-century pirate Piet Hein.
[exhaled-spirals]
Summary: You and Buck try for a baby, but life is not always fair and easy.
Angst | Fluff
A/N: I know, I KNOW it's been ages since part 1, but hey, i'm back! Hope u enjoy it and stay put for the next parts. Maybe life isn't really fair and easy! Thank you for your support and kindness. Have a wonderful day, bubs! Lots of love ✨
@krokietino i thought maybe you'll like the second part of what u requested ❤️
Requested: yes
Words: 2.2k
Requests currently closed!
GIF not mine, credits to the owner!
In the hushed quiet of your home, you and Buck found yourselves enveloped in the soft glow of morning. Buck was quietly pulling up his uniform, taking a few sips of his coffee. You on the other hand had a long morning today, lingering a bit longer in your pijama.
You watched your fiancé with a dump smile and a heavy heart as he buckled his shoes, preparing for a new day as a firefighter. Every shift you couldn't help but feel the whole world's pressure on your shoulders, worrying a little too much about his safety, despite he came home safe and sound every time.
As you sat on the edge of the bed, your fingers were trembling as you held yet another negative test in your hands, a heavy sigh escaped your lips. For months, you've been trying for a baby, thinking "how hard it must be", your hearts brimming with hope with each pregnancy test, only to be met with disappointment time and time again.
Buck's expression etched with concern, wrapped his arms around you in a comforting embrace, trying to give you a bit of his hope, his heart aching at the sight of your crestfallen face.
"I'm sorry, babe," you murmured, your voice thick with unshed tears. "I thought... I thought this might be it."
Buck's heart twisted with love as he gently wiped away your tears, his own emotions swirling with a mixture of frustration and longing. "It's okay, sweetheart," he whispered, pressing a tender kiss to your forehead. "We'll keep trying."
As much as he wanted a family with you, in this moment if possible, he knew this things take time. You can't rush life, every little thing has its own moment. He could understand your frustration, motherhood is something almost every woman look forward and being this close to fulfil your dream, it's painful to see weeks turn into months, each day holding a negative pregnancy test between your fingers.
"Be safe out there and don't be a stranger!" you shouted after Buck placed the sweetest kisses all over your face and told you how much he loved you over and over before leaving for work that morning.
Buck tried to man up himself and wash away negative thoughts. He told himself it's not something he can control, it's out of your hands and there's nothing more you can do. Or at least he's trying to do that.
You, on the other hand, can't help but feel like you're letting Buck down. You know how much he wants a family with you, something he can feel like he belongs to, an anchor to keep him floating at the surface in this chaos.
For yourself, bringing a life in this world is a step in your relationship with Buck that seems about right and it's the perfect time to meet your dreams come true. Only that your dreams are not in a hurry to take part of this conversation just yet.
It's been six months since that last barbecue at Bobby and Athena's house, months you've spent daydreaming of a small version of Buck playing around, filling your silent home with laughter, irradiating joy and love, lightning your lives.
Days passed the same: work, home, Buck and repeat. Monotony installing into your bones and mind, you started to lose hope little by little with every negative test you threw away every morning. Your characteristic smile started to be missed by your family and friends, even people from work started questioning you every shift.
You ok, hun?
Something happened?
You know, if you need to talk...
The disappointment was so strong planted in yourself that one morning you didn't even notice the glow you irradiated and the small smile being brought back to your lips. You somehow felt the world differently, you didn't even realise you stepped out of monotony. Instead of having lunch break at your workplace, your footsteps surprised you in front of the fire station, unknowingly missing Buck and the joy of the 118.
"Y/N!" everyone cheered happily at the sight of you, rushing down the stairs to greet you and hug you. It's been months since your last lunch at the station and since you last saw your friends.
Bobby took your purse as you and Hen walked to the dining area, the smile growing beautifully as you were catching up with everyone's lives. You were so focused on one thing that could change your life that you forgot how happy you were before. You thought you needed that change to be happening as soon as possible, thinking it will make you happy and fulfilled, that you missed the part where your life was perfect as it was.
"Hey stranger!" Eddie greeted you before you could take a sit at the table, giving you a big, tight hug. "It's so nice to have you around! We missed you!"
"Ah, you know, busy life!" you tried to laugh the world's weight off of your shoulders, hugging Eddie back.
As the lunch unfolded without any surprises, sitting right next to Buck at the table, holding his hand, laughing from the bottom of your heart at the last incidents Chim and Hen detailed, you could feel the hope installing in your bones again.
"Well isn't that a beautiful face I didn't have the pleasure to see at this table for a long time now!" Athena made her way up the stairs, greeting you. "Nice to see you, child!"
Since you left home, Athena and Bobby were the closest thing to the parental figures you missed in the last years. You greeted her with the biggest smile, and after you all finished the delicious lunch Bobby had made, you checked the time. You still had a half an hour before you needed to be back for work.
You enjoyed your time spent with Buck and your friends at the station before the alarm started to replace your laughter. You kissed your fiancé goodbye, reminding him to be safe.
As you gathered your things, ready to return to your work place, Athena placed a hand on your shoulder "You ready? Imma give you a ride."
As you quietly sat in the police car, listening to the dispatch calling out for different situations, assigning cars, Athena broke the silence.
"I can see that look in your eyes. You're carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders, aren't you?"
"Oh-uh, I just—" you stopped, weighting the words before giving life to your thoughts. "I feel like I'm letting Buck down."
Those words surprised you too, as you didn't realised you really meant that before it came out of your mouth. Your voice barely above a whisper, you continued "He wants this so badly, and I can't give it to him. I don't know what to do."
Athena's hand found yours, a gesture of solidarity amidst the turmoil of your emotions. "You're not letting him down, honey," she reassured, her voice filled with unwavering conviction. "Sometimes, these things take time. But you're not alone in this. There are specialists who can help, if you're willing to take that step."
Few days passed, the untouched pregnancy tests surprising both you and Buck. "I thought maybe worrying less and going with the flow might help." you giggled, as you and Buck cuddled a bit more before getting the day started. It wasn't necessarily a lie, not a bad one at least.
It felt nice, not having to worry about every single thing in your life for a few days, but as Athena's words echoed in your mind, you couldn't help it.
You found yourself standing outside the office of a specialist, your heart fluttering with a mixture of hope and trepidation. But as you stepped inside and faced the prospect of yet another round of tests and examinations, a glimmer of hope flickered within your soul. You had to make sure nothing is wrong. If the specialist would tell you everything is fine, that there's nothing you should worry about, then indeed you'd be ready to worry less and leave the life do the things at its own pace.
Weeks passed as usual, happier and tender than before. Each night Buck loved you more and more, some more intense, showering you with his sincere passion and affection, some gentle and romantic. Your love for each other grew stronger than ever and you were at the point where you didn't even think you could love Buck more.
But today felt different. It was something inside that guided you to that specific bathroom drawer you didn't open for weeks, trying to keep under control the obsession you've developed. Today you felt the need to open it.
In the quiet stillness of the morning, as the first light of dawn cast its golden rays upon your home, you found yourself clutching a pregnancy test in trembling hands once more. As the seconds ticked by with agonizing slowness, your heart pounded in your chest, your breath catching in your throat.
Something felt different, you couldn't explain it. As the two pink lines appeared in a silent testament to your hopes and dreams, a wave of overwhelming joy washed over you, tears streaming down your cheeks, tears filled with happiness, hope, and the purest form of love.
Buck noticed something has changed lately, as if the very air was charged with an electric energy. He put it on the fact that you finally got the power to turn off the worrying shadows that's been darkening your mind this past few months.
You checked your phone, rereading Buck's message over and over again, fidgeting with your fingers nervously. Doctor confirmed your pregnancy and today is the day. You knew Buck will be so excited to hear the news but... maybe, just maybe, you thought after all this months of trying, he would've changed his mind.
Sabotaging yourself with this kind of thoughts, your body shuddered at the sound of your fiancé's voice.
"It was a stupid, boring day!" Buck placed his bag on the floor with frustration. Boring is something Buck hates more than anything. He likes action, fire, running around like crazy from one call to another. He might've changed over time, but deep down he's still the reckless boy that once opened for the first time the station's doors.
"Well hello my favourite man! My fearless firefighter. My love. My world." you giggled as you kissed him, placing your lips on his skin after every word.
"Stop lying to me." he laughed, hugging you so tight, spinning around with you on his arms. Secretly he thanked the heavens for that boring day, keeping him safe, in one piece so that he could come back home to you. The most beautiful and precious woman in his life. "What smells so good?"
"Dinner. Got off early today and thought maybe I should do something special. Your favourite." you lied to him again, but it was for his own good. Today was your doctor's appointment so you took the day off.
"Oh, I missed your dinners!" he smiled, placing a kiss on your cheek.
"Go wash your hands and you can tell me how much you love me after!" you joke, motioning Buck to the bathroom.
As you arranged the table, serving Buck with his favourite meal, you laughed at his frustration with the stupid kids pulling pranks and getting stuck in weird places.
"How was your day?" your fiancé asked, mouth full of the magic food, as he couldn't help but name it every time.
"Oh, you know. Same thing every day, nothing special there." you caressed his hand. "That reminds me..." you left the words hanging in the air as you rushed to your bedroom, grabbing a box. A mischievous glint in your eye and a mysterious package cradled in your arms. Buck's curiosity piqued, he watched with bated breath as you approached, your smile radiant and infectious.You placed it next to Buck, excitedly waiting for him to open it.
"What's this?" he asked, whipping his hands. You didn't respond, as if you didn't hear a word he said.
His fingers trembling as he unwrapped it with care. And then, as the contents were revealed, his breath caught in his throat, his eyes widening in disbelief. Nestled within the confines of the package was a uniform, its tiny size a stark contrast to the enormity of the moment it represented. But it was the words emblazoned upon the fabric that stole Buck's breath away: "Daddy's Little Firefighter."
Tears welled in Buck's eyes as he looked up at you, his heart overflowing with emotion. "Are you... Are we...?" he stammered, his voice choked with emotion.
In that moment, beneath the canopy of stars, amidst the quiet stillness of the night, your hearts were soaring with the promise of a future filled with love and laughter.
You nodded, your eyes shining with unshed tears of joy. "Yeah, Buck," you whispered, "You're going to be a dad!" your voice trembling with emotion. "We're going to be parents."
Changing a law is like digging a new field. You'll break ancient roots and blunt your spade with a lot of stones, but eventually plants will grow in your furrows, and your new hedge will thrive and it'll be as if it always was that way.
I remember being called a tomboy in the 90s the whole time but I always knew that’s not the right label. It took me 20+ years to find out I’m a transman and that’s okay.
