Forever Her Daughter
Chapter 1
Before
Episode: S05E06
“According to this... I am Emily's mother.”
She looked from one stunned person to another, speechless, the folder hanging at her side. Bill stood dumbly with his arms limp, Tara had one hand over her mouth, the other arm around her belly. Her mom, her sweet mother, looked a shade of green she hadn't seen since her sister had died. The knuckles holding the folder had turned white, her hands clammy.
White noise rang in her ears. She knew what this meant, knew that the nightmare of what had been done to her was even worse than she had guessed. She’d expected they were doing experiments on her, maybe radiation, but going as far as creating children from her own eggs? She’d never really expected, or maybe she never wanted to imagine… She’d thought maybe they’d experimented with manufacturing vaccines or viruses. Just like they did with animal models. She had not expected… She was an idiot. She’d seen the fetuses, they’d just perfected whatever they’d been trying to do. She felt lightheaded as idea after horrifying idea tumbled into her head.
Who was the father?
The thought came crashing into her consciousness and turned the rapid fire stream of thoughts to a standstill. She was also instantly sick to her stomach.
What had they done to her? What had they done to this child?
“Dana. Dana. DANA!”
She was dragged out of the chaos in her head by her brother yelling her name.
She met his eyes in response.
“This has to be a mistake Dana. You were never pregnant.”
“Bill” her mother said haltingly.
She blinked and swallowed and then turned down the hall to the kitchen without a word, mildly aware of the three of them, in hushed whispers, bickering with each other.
She closed the bathroom door, leaned back against the cool wood. She was suddenly very hot, paradoxically a cold sweat had broken down her back and forehead and her stomach turned over.
She had the presence of mind to turn on the faucet before she heaved involuntarily and ran to the toilet. Before her mind could catch up with her body, she was emptying the contents of her stomach so forcefully, it burned through her nose. Tears streamed down her face mixing with whatever dripped from her nose. She tasted its salty hotness as she wiped a shaky hand across her lips, still leaned over the bowl.
When it was over and her stomach calmed, she blew her nose and washed her mouth out at the sink crouched on her knees, then fell back against the tiled wall, pulling the towel down from the rack above her. She wiped her face and pulled it over her knees like a blanket.
A soft knock at the door sent a panicked jolt through her chest.
“Dana?” She heard her mother say.
She didn't answer.
“Dana let me know you’re okay sweetie.
“Im fine mom.” was all she could muster weakly.
“Let me know if you need anything.” Her footsteps creaked down the hall.
Her face burned now, embarrassed. Could she stay in here until everyone went to bed? She heaved a sigh and shut her eyes against reality. She had to get out of this house, she had never had a greater urge to flee than right at this moment. If she were in DC she would have gone into the office, to occupy her mind with other things, or to Mulder, whono doubt would be awake and buried in case files she could get lost in. God, she wanted to be in his messy apartment right now, listening to him drone on about any god damned thing right now.
—
When she felt marginally better and had meticulously cleaned off the toilet, she left the bathroom. They were all sitting in the living room. Waiting for her. She swallowed.
“I can’t talk about this right now, or explain. Just know its… its not a mistake.” She pushed her lips together as her chin dimpled avoiding what she felt were their eyes boring into her. She grabbed her coat and fled feeling more and more clear headed as she pulled the door shut behind her, got in the car, and drove off.
She drove with singular purpose and it only took a half hour to reach the San Diego Children’s center. It was late and there was no one on the road. She walked up to the receptionist at the desk.
“Dana Scully, I’m here to check on a new admission.”
“I’m sorry we don't allow visitors past five o’clock.” The nurse said looking at her brows furrowed at the late hour.
She had to see her. Not seeing her wasn't an option.
“Special agent…” she took her badge out of her pocket and flashed it at the assistant. “Dana Scully. This child was involved in a case, a suspected double homicide. I need to make sure she’s safe.”
The attendant sighed at the badge and said “Sign in here.”
She followed the attendant heart pounding. It was crazy. Crazy. She had just seen her, why was she so nervous?
She was led into a room with a number of twin beds with a couple of children sleeping quietly on them. Light shined in from the hall.
“Don’t turn on the light or you’ll wake them all up.” The front desk woman said before stalking out annoyed.
She glanced after her to make sure she was gone and then knelt by Emily’s bed. Her breath caught at the moonlight catching the little girls tiny features, the edges of her pudgy cheeks and curve of her tiny perfect nose illuminated a blue white. So like her own, now that she looked, and knew.
Tears sprung in her eyes and she wiped them away annoyed as they clouded her vision. She pulled a chair from the desk next to the bed and sat, elbows on her knees, watching her sleep. Her daughter. She had a daughter. A soul linked to her own. An entire universe she was responsible for. How in the world was she going to do this? She was completely lost and so so terrified.
But she knew one thing. She had a child to think of now. There was no other option possible. She would have to get custody and take her home. She couldn’t leave this girl, her child, in the world alone. How was she going to even attempt this. She bit her bottom lip to keep from losing it completely, pushed Emilys hair out of her face and behind her ear gently. The little girl crinkled her nose in a way that reminded her of watching old tape recordings of herself on Christmas and Easter and birthdays. It was unfathomable that this child could go anywhere else but home with her.
Three years she’d missed. Taken from her by the same men who’d taken her chance at any normal future. Yet they’d given her something hadn’t they?
No.
They hadn’t. They’d taken everything from her. It was unfair, so unfair she hadn’t gotten to see her own child as an infant a toddler. She felt like screaming as she rose and walked quietly to the lobby feeling like she was leaving a piece of herself behind.
“I don’t want anyone visiting that child without my knowledge. Do you understand?” She said sharply to the attendant, who nodded wide eyed.
“You call me,” she handed the woman her card. “If anyone comes trying to see her. And don’t let them in until I arrive.”
—
She drove to the sea, because no matter where she had lived the ocean was her constant companion. She laughed mirthlessly wondering what she would be doing if she’d found Emily in a land locked state. She drove along the San Diego Freeway passing beaches and buildings trying to fight the horrifying thoughts that kept popping into her head.
Why had they done this.
Why her.
Was she the only one? They had taken all of her ovum after all…
Had they forced her to carry the pregnancy?
When she was in that place, for all those months. Not exactly nine, but perhaps Emily had been born premature? Or maybe whatever they had done genetically had resulted in faster gestation?
Why was Missy calling her, how could she… she forced herself to read highway signs and flipped on the radio because it was all too much, and too scary, and her stomach was twisting again.
She passed parking lots and a waste treatment plant and felt the familiarity of place you only get when you spend your youth there. The point Loma lighthouse. The end. She needed to be surrounded by the ocean.
This was her spot when she was going through angsty teenagehood. She would beg her borthers to drive her out on their way to the malls or to hang out with girls or their friends. She’d spent countless hours here exploring and reading and being in solitude.
She parked in the little lot just off the main road and walked out past the lighthouse down the dirt path. She heard the waves in the darkness, and saw white caps highlighted by the almost full moon. Her eyes adjusted and she found the shoreline and the horizon faint but visible. She sat on a rock hugging her knees, a pose remembered from many sorry moments on these rocks. She closed her eyes and listened to the waves and tried to disappear from her own mind.
—
Her butt was still numb and cold and she shivered as she put a quarter into the receiver and dialed.
“Hello?” came his voice, not sleepy even though it was 2am on Christmas morning where he was.
She tried to formulate words but found she was panicking in the moment.
“Hello?” He said more urgently and it sprung her into speech.
“Mulder”
“Scully?” He asked.
“Yeah.”
Scully whats wrong?” his hackles now raised.
“Mulder, everything’s…” her voice faltered and tears sprang to her eyes.
“Scully I need you to talk to me, are you in danger?” His voice softening at her distress, but with the knowledge she wasn’t actively being kidnapped.
“No, I… she laughed suddenly at how absurd this all was. “I don't know Mulder, things have taken a really weird turn…”
He waited for her to formulate a thought.
She sighed and leaned her head against the salt weathered glass of the booth. “I don’t think I can say it out loud”
“You’re scaring me Scully.”
“I just wish you were here” she said half wistful, the wind knocked out of her sails, giving up the last of her composure she loved to cling to, even around him.
“I’ll call the airline right now, give me your number.”
She read the number off of the payphone.
“I’ll call you back in a minute.” he hung up.
She put the phone on the receiver but kept her hand on it, leaning her head against the metal of the payphone.
He called back ten minutes later. “Scully?”
“Yeah Mulder?”
“I got a redeye, Ill be there in eight…ish hours okay?”
“Okay”
“Scully… just hold on okay, everything’ll be okay.”
She let out a nervous laugh, “Im not sure you’ll be saying that when you get here.”
“Can you tell me one thing?”
“Yeah?”
“Its not… you aren’t sick are you?”
“No Mulder I’m… I’m okay.” She sighed.
“No you’re not Scully.”
“No, Im not, but I’m not sick.”
“Okay just checking.” He said more jovially. “I’ll see you soon okay? Flight 25, Delta, should get in around eight, pick me up at drop offs.”
—
She got back into the car and drove idly knowing she wouldn't go back to her brothers until
Mulder was here. Until she had unloaded everything on him and gotten his opinion. The only opinion she desperately needed right now.
She ended up in the guest parking lot of the airport. She slid the seat down and grabbed her wool coat from the back seat before closing her eyes and dozing off.
@today-in-fic
