you know the answer to this one. you’ve thought about it. you’ve let the words rest heavy on your tongue till, much like your nerve, it dissipates with time. the taste of it bitter and tart and everlasting and twinges every time your mouth opens to call her name. you know the answer because you’ve constantly considered it. constantly questioned it. so much that it reverberates against the walls of your heart; rattles every bone in your body.
you know the answer to this one. you’ve contemplated it. you’ve considered your love for her against the living push-pull-on-again-off-again example of your parents. you’ve considered that, with every body jamie presses against her own, you lose a little more of what was yours.
her love, your heart. you never asked for it back. she never stopped giving hers. all this, you’re both acutely aware of. all this, you’re both willfully ignorant of. all this, you both struggle with. in reality, like your mom, you’re incapable of staying away. and she is incapable of ever fully letting you go.
so what then?
what happens then? when a piece of you is forevermore suspended in time and space; what was and what could’ve been. when you’re stuck, here and now, unable to let go of the past or take that step forward.
you know the answer to this one. you’ve antagonized over it. since you were little, eyes wide and eager, you have watched your parents do this dance—this exact dance—and wonder how they never seem to tire. since you were little, you have told yourself this—mom crying, mom leaving, mom loving, mom crawling back, mom crying, rinse and repeat—this was a cycle you never want to repeat.
even if you love her.
you’ll always love her, right?