Last night, I told Dad to please use my chosen name. I have never told him this. I have reminded my siblings this. (Because change is a slightly slow process, but they're getting there! I'm so proud of my siblings! And my mom! They're all getting there!) Dad already knew that I had a chosen name. He has heard the others using it for me, and me reminding the others. This is not news to him. He knows. I'm out of the closet now! Finally! I am letting myself be free! And it's amazing! And I love it! And well, I reminded Dad. And Dad said something along the lines of "yeah, we're talking about this later." And I told him, "as long as you're not gonna give me trauma related to you or religious trauma, cause I don't want that" in my head I finished with "more". I've already got the trauma, I just don't want to add to it, and would like to be able to heal it. I'm already healing the religious, it's very hard, especially when the people speak against, and they are loud, but it's getting better, because I know God stands by me. He's affirmed with me so. Religion and my identity are tied together. He knows I'm trans, I know I'm trans, and so, I can't deny it, because it is true. Anyways, coming up, there could be a time where we are alone, and he can actually speak his mind. I'm worried, and hoping, and praying that he'll not give me more reasons to not trust him and hate him. I daydreamed last night how'd it be if he didn't support, but instead tried to give me more trauma. It wasn't fun. I really hope that'll not happen, cause if it does, no matter what I say, any reason or feelings or anything, he'll keep his ears shut, eyes watching my lips but not listening. He'll say he loves me, but he doesn't. If he hates my trans part, he hates me, because that is as much of my identity, as his own gender is his. The only difference? I'm not going into any more boxes. Dad only sees boxes, black and white, with a couple few grey areas, which are only the day to day choices. He's choosing to miss the colour, even when it's laid right out in front of him. But, maybe, maybe, he'll actually listen? No one's ever actually explained any of this. Maybe he's curious? And, if he opens his ears and heart, he'll hear! And then we can finally heal. That'd be amazing. I hope my daydream won't come to real. It might, but to less drama. It'll probably happen. But whatever, I'll at least be able to be free with those who accept me. Maybe a few gun bullets here and there, but after a while, I'll learn to bandage them up well, and maybe even dodge or not get into the situations. I hope, when we have the talk, he'll actually be the pacemaker he claims he is, and listen. Not just hear. I've heard his part, his story, his voice. I've listened to it, once believed it. Not anymore. I know change can happen. Maybe now he'll listen? Maybe soon he'll change? But hey, if not in this life, maybe in the next.
And I'm talking about being trans. Haha, lol. Just wait till he hears about me being aroace XD. I've already hinted a couple times, and he's brushed it off or closed it down, lol. We're not getting to that for a while. That'll happen when he's okay with me dating, lol. (Spoiler, I'll probably not date.)
