#much use

[cottonstuffedpup]

so many girls inside my head and yet i feel dysphoric at the idea of someone using she/her on me so we just have to fight over whether or not i allow them to put she/her in their bios or not. sorry girls

[mapofyourhead99]

I'm still laughing over this like, why so desperate??

[gremist]

It’s been 15 minutes of me trying to find why the heck I couldn’t color. Like, I was chosing a color but it didn’t appear. Then I realised

I was using the marker, and the blending parameter was on 100% ... Meaning it took the color that it touched first.

...I’m laughing but at the same time I feel dumb xD 

[jewish-mccoy]

math

math: please memorize the mayan number system

me: ...

math: also while you're at it please convert these mayan numbers to base-10 kay thanks

[allmylovefromacrossthesea]

So. Unfortunate Update. Life changes very quickly sometimes.

Two main things. On Friday, I learnt that my grandmother had passed away a few days earlier. It is sad, but I am ok. She was very ill with Alzehmiers, but managed to avoid the more distressing ways that disease can take you, which is something to be thankful for. However, the funeral was going to be in 2 weeks, whilst I was still on Iona. And then began the round of family politics, as various sides started debating how I should or shouldn't try to make the 14+ hour trip from Iona to Bristol. As it was, it is not longer an issue, because of other developments a few days later.

I had been working part-time at the hostel on Iona. Yesterday, I was told that it wasn't working with me at the hostel. In short, I was fired. It was a bit of a shock, and I did a fair amount of weeping. I am moving out on Thursday, and staying at the campsite for a few days, so I still have a week on Iona.

Longer explanation. There was no problem with the quality of my work, the fact I was doing research, nor my age. It was just because I was of the wrong temperment for the hostel. A bit too loud, and disruptive, and not good for the atmosphere of the place. I had confided in the owner about my history of mental health issues, in a very candid and good conversation. However I did make it clear that I was so much better than I have ever been. Honestly, this is the most level and stable since pre-13. However, he said that I was wound-up, and not good for people who came to this plae as a retreat. I have no proper warning, that my behaviour was being disruptive, and I fairly angry that I got fired without a proper warning. Obviously, some people aren't right for certain places, but I will never know if it is just me, or if I could've toned it down. Also. I have fucked up some fairly massive things in the past, and not realised what I was doing until the damage was done. That was something I have just managed to forgive myself for; so having history repeat itself (although in a completely different way) is distressing on many levels.

So I am deeply and desperately sad and disappointed. This was a period I'd been looking forward to for about 5 months, and I have to leave early. Also, as my actual purpose was to come here to do research, I am in a position where I suddenly realise, that I may not have enough time to get the data that I need. Projects can be reworked, focuses can be redirected, but it is stressful, and this is my undergraduate dissertation. 1/3 of my final year, and 1/6 of my final grade, and that largest piece of work I will do at University.

My lovely friends who I've mentioned this to, have expressed such disbelief and anger on my behalf, which is lovely (in an odd way, if that makes sense). For clarification. The man in charge is a completely lovely man, and someone who I still (very begrudingly) like and respect (I am trying to be adult about this), but he's a business owner, and has his own interest. No hating on him please. I don't want that. I also have this feeling of somehow disappointing people, or letting them down. Like, I spent months talking about this trip, and barely two weeks in, I get fired. I feel like I hyped everything up too much. I am aware a whole bunch of you will tell me that is nonsense, but this is my splurging on the page-place.  However. I am angry. I am really upset and angry. But. I hate being angry, and it is not an emotion I am comfortable with, nor that is particularly productive. AND. My time here has been utterly fantastic. Deeply healing on many levels, and some necessary space to breathe. This place is beautiful, and I loved being here so much. And I have just under a week left, so I don't have time to mope and rage. And I don't want a stain to be left on the positive things I have found here. I want to remember this as a good period. Hence my slight repressing of the difficult emotions. There is a time and a place for them. This is not it.

There are some positives. One, I get 2 weeks of pay, all of which I plan on spending on staying on Iona for a bit longer, and buying shiny things. Two. I can now make my grandmother's funeral, which is relieving on many different levels. Three. I will get to see my family when we all gather in Bristol, which despite the sad occassion, is always good. Four. I will be away from the bugs earlier; I will not miss those horrible biting things in the slightest. Five. I get to see everyone in Edinburgh again sooner :)

(sidenote - I do not like how some things end up resolving themselves, but in a way that is completely awful and difficult. The difficulty in trying to get to Bristol for my grandmother's funeral was lifted... by me being (somewhat unfairly, IMHO) fired. I don't like the way the die are being played.)

tl:dr - Life's a bitch, shit happens. But it is not the end of the world, and I refuse to let it taint my fantastic experience of this place. Also. I am going to keep this space. I like it, and I like having a space in which to write and in which to ramble. Please stay. 

[guyripley]

I just found about enby being a word/thing and wow my chest feels tight but in a good way.