#mumblrloss

[mangoritadreams]

I am going to be a mother one day. One day I will experience a full pregnancy. I will hear my baby's heartbeat, I will get my bump and feel it's kicks. I will deliver a perfect, healthy baby. They will lay it on my chest and I will cry. I'll feed it and it'll wear all the clothes I bought for it. I'll fill its baby book with milestones and pictures and locks of hair. I'll hear it call me mama. I will get my baby one day, I need to remember that. I need to write this out to remember that one day my dream of being a mother will come true. That day just isn't September 26th anymore.

[mangoritadreams]

Right now, my baby is dead inside me, and it has been for about a month. But I didn’t know until just this week. It’s still inside me. The whole time I thought it was growing, it wasn’t. I didn’t know that the clothes I was buying for it would never be worn. I was anxiously awaiting seeing it on the ultrasound screen again, finding out the sex, feeling it kick, naming it, giving birth to it, holding it for the first time and watching it’s father do the same. I couldn’t wait. I couldn’t wait to feed it, hear it cry and coo and one day call me mama, change its worst diapers, wrap it up in blankets, see it’s first smile, give it its first bath, take baths with it. I couldn’t wait.

And now, all I can think is that if I die right now, if I die or kill myself before I get the surgery to have it removed, then we’ll be buried together. My baby will get a funeral through mine. I will be buried with my baby inside of me, and that’s the only fucking way I will get to spend forever with it like I’ve dreamt of since the day I found out.

[borntooearlyborntoosmall]

Another year closer to you

2017 is here.. You should be turning 3 this year!!! I wonder what you'd look like, if you'd change to look more like your daddy or stayed looking like me. Would you be shy or outgoing? Would you love books? I often wonder what type of little person you'd be. I look at your brother and hes full of personality, would you be the same? I guess another year of painful questions and milestones never met. Happy New Year my angel. I love you. Mummy xx

[borntooearlyborntoosmall]

"You are rooted deep within ny soul a part of me forever In the deepest parts of my heart there you are"

[borntooearlyborntoosmall]

Next week is my baby girls birthday she turns 2.. she should be walking and talking She should be blowing kisses and falling asleep in my bed as I play with her long brown hair She should be here blowing out her candles while I chase her around to get family photos.. But she isn't. I will be with my family, remembering her, releasing lanterns to light the sky with her memory.

[borntooearlyborntoosmall]

I can not believe how many people thought by 2 years I’d be “over” her death.

[borntooearlyborntoosmall]

[borntooearlyborntoosmall]

I believe my daughter sends me "Earth messages of love" I always see white butterflies at family gatherings or near jer garden. Today I was outside and this landed on her daddy. We love you too baby girl 😚