It’s 2:37 am in Wolf Trap, Virginia. If you’re a robber, drug dealer, mafia gang member, or one of the very few respectable professions who have reason to be wandering around outside at such unholy hours, you’ll see a scruffy man in nothing but ratty boxers crouched low near the ground outside some innocent’s window, muttering to himself and occasionally clicking his tongue.
And if, due to some incidents that transpired in your childhood, your instinct is to go towards the man instead of sprinting away from such obvious displays of lunacy, you’ll hear him repeating, “Cadaver… cadaver… cadaver…” under his breath.
If, despite such alarming red flags, the angelic brown curls and admittedly buff forearms still call to you, then go ahead – talk to him. It’s your funeral.
■ ■ ■
Will kneels on the dewy grass under the lovely pink and purple begonias growing on the window sill of his neighbour’s classic suburban house. His hands and knees are covered with mud, and there are scratches on his arms and leaves in his hair from poking his head through prickly bushes. He hopes the owner of the house just dismisses the noise as the nocturnal adventures of some raccoon.
You might be wondering how he got here. You’ve probably assumed he’s doing something illegal — understandable; he gets that a lot. But Will actually didn’t make the conscious decision to come here. No, his wonderful brain planned that all on its own.
By “neighbour,” Will means the guy who lives five miles from his house, because Will is unapologetically antisocial and chose to buy a house closer to foxes and forests than to malls and McDonald’s. The guy has the title of “neighbour” only because his house is the nearest human settlement after Will’s.
He weighs his options — he could knock on his neighbour’s door, but that would involve explaining why he’s so far from home, which would involve admitting to the adult-onset sleepwalking, and that in turn would involve telling yet another person that he might be going a certifiable, rubber-stamped type of crazy.
Maybe he could come up with a less alarming excuse for why he’s wandering around half naked at this hour? He could say he was abducted by some criminal he had heroically put away during is NOPD days, who stripped him of clothes and wallet before dumping him here for some reason. Maybe then his neighbour wouldn’t mind —
All concern for his own well-being flees Will’s mind when he hears a little “yip” from somewhere behind him.
He whirls around, looking for the source, half-worried if there even is one — it wouldn’t be the first time his ears have played tricks on him. But no, wait — there is something there in the shadows — a pair of gleaming eyes in the copse of trees lining one side of the road. A little puppy timidly emerges from the darkness, her fur matted with dirt and, alarmingly, a little bit of blood. She must’ve originally been white with coffee-brown spots, but is currently so dirty that she just looks like one lump of dried black mud. She is clearly malnourished — Will can count her tiny ribs even from this distance — and one of her ears is folded inside out.
“Oh, you poor baby,” Will murmurs. Hands outstretched, he approaches her very, very slowly. The puppy immediately flinches and takes off at a surprising speed. She runs across the road and, before Will can even turn to see where she’s going, disappears.
Will strains his ears until he hears it again — ah, there, in the bushes. Will gives chase, his brain consumed with non-stop thoughts of “Dog! Must rescue! Dog! Dog! Dog!” with every step he runs, wincing slightly every time his bare feet meet the harsh ground.
“There, there, little doggie,” Will whispers. “Where are you, Cadaver?”
(He’s already named her Cadaver, before even catching her. He may or may not have a list of potential dog names in his notes app, and he may or may not have expanded it since his last adoption — he knew he wasn’t going to stop at five dogs. He’s not sure what the maximum limit is, just that there ought to be one. Does being an adult mean he can just do whatever? Why is everyone letting him get away with this?)
Y’all have DELIVERED on voting today, so here’s a Steter ficlet that took kind of a weird turn but I can’t lie, I don’t regret it at all.
Stiles waved to the other Lyft driver for the third time that day, a crooked grin on his face. They were both dropping off yet another car full of people at the library polling location.
As three college girls piled out of the back of Stiles’ car, the other driver gestured to an elderly man shutting his own back passenger door, and then made a yapping motion with his hand while rolling his eyes.
Stiles snorted. He never particularly minded the talkative riders, but he knew most other drivers didn’t share that opinion. He shook his head with an exaggerated pitying look on his face, putting a hand over his heart and mouthing you poor thing.
Stiles could practically hear the indignant sound he was sure was coming from the other driver, but it was chased by a reluctant smile so he didn’t worry too much. A second later they were both startled by the sound of a horn from behind Stiles.
He immediately turned around to look out his back window, scowling and flipping up a careless middle finger. However, he did shift his car into drive as soon as turned around, foot on the break. He looked back up at the other driver and saw him waving back once more.
Stiles’ gaze lingered on the other man’s blue eyes and sharp jaw for a moment before waving himself and pulling away from the curb to go pick up another ride.
Maybe, just maybe, he’d be able to catch the blue eyed Lyft man and ask him on a date tonight.
Impatient drivers aside, Stiles really was having a good day. He liked his job. As a Lyft driver he got to meet a lot of interesting people, and most of them were pretty generous with tips. His hours were flexible, which he needed as a grad student, and there were always plenty of people who needed a ride.
His next one was a little further out of town, and the only one requesting a ride in the area. The new man climbed into the back seat, saying, “This is free, right?”
“That’s right!” Stiles answered. “Lyft is offering free rides to the polls for underserved communities, including-”
“Yeah, yeah, all the people who want something for nothing,” the new rider interrupted. “Might as well get mine.”
Stiles paused for a moment, and then pulled away from the house.
The automatic child locks clicked in a silent car.
“Which poll place are you taking me to?” the man grunted after a few minutes.
“The library on 8th.”
“Ugh. No. Take me to the one at the Woodview Elementary school.”
Stiles glanced in his rearview mirror.
“The lines at the library are a lot shorter that the ones at Woodview.”
“Do I look like the kinda person who votes on 8th street?” the man sneered.
“If you’re a registered voter, then yes, you look exactly like the kind of person who votes on 8th street,” Stiles said blandly, facing forward and continuing toward the library. The music played low in the background.
A disgusted huff came from the backseat.
“No one but a load of illegals goes to vote on 8th-”
“Aside from the obvious lie that non-registered voters can get anywhere near a polling booth, what makes you think that immigrants are less deserving of the choices on a ballot? Do you think they’re less affected by the decisions?” Stiles asked, voice idly curious.
The man was slowly getting more and more red in the face.
“Take me to Woodview!” he demanded, ignoring the question.
“Sorry,” Stiles said serenely, “the Lyft offer is only for the nearest polling place. I’ll have to charge you full fare if we go all the way to Woodview.”
“Like hell you will! This is a scam! All you liberal elites-”
Stiles snorted, thinking of his student loans.
“-are in it together, I bet you’ve got little friends working in the library, changing all the votes to Democrat. Buncha deviants, in my day you woulda been taken out back and had sense beaten into you!”
“Brain damage usually limits cognitive function, not the other way around.”
“If you take me to the library on 8th, I’ll have you arrested!!” He smacked the back of Stiles’ headrest. “My brother’s on the force!!”
Stiles glanced in his rearview mirror again and checked off a mental list.
Red in the face.
A MAGA shirt.
And lastly, a Proud Boys lapel pin.
Stiles sighed. So much for trying to get a date with the blue eyed Lyft man tonight. He wasn’t going to have time for anything fun.
__________
The polls closed at 8 p.m. that night. Stiles drove the entire day, but he felt good. A lot of the people he’d given a ride to would have had to take three or more busses to get to the polls, or wouldn’t have been able to get there at all.
He parked beside a densely wooded patch that he’d passed at least a dozen times today, and set off for a stroll.
Night had fallen completely, of course, but the moon was bright and Stiles knew the woods pretty well. He’d spent a lot of time in there as a teenager, doing stupid things. He liked to think the frequency of stupid actions was less now that he was an adult, but he still spent nearly the same amount of time wandering the forest.
Whistling, he kept walking until a flash of muted color caught his eye in the dark.
A red MAGA shirt. Proud Boys lapel pin. And a body with a bullet through the brain.
Stiles sighed to himself. There were four this year. Four! Sometimes he really despaired for the future of this country.
But negative thoughts were no help. The only way out of this mess was to get to work. So, Stiles rolled up his sleeves and started dragging the first one toward the riverbank.
It took hours, but he was finally down the last one. His muscles ached as he dragged the KKK member to a cliff overlooking the river. He liked to vary his dumping points. Too much consistent evidence points to a serial killer, and no one wanted that, least of all the police.
Just as he was about to push the woman into the water, he heard a rustling. More silent than a shadow, he shrank back into the brush, leaving the body where it was.
A huff of heavy, working breath was coming up the deer path Stiles had followed. A little longer, and Stiles started to hear muttering.
“-really just going to tell a complete stranger that you think Hitler had some ‘pretty compelling ideas.’ You just had to look at your Lyft driver and say ‘Hey! I bet this man would love to hear about my genocidal leanings before he drops me off to vote.’ For fucks sake-”
The sounds suddenly stopped completely, and Stiles realized he must have gotten close enough to see the body he’d abandoned.
Stiles stepped out of the brush, finally getting a good look at the other person.
It was the blue eyed Lyft driver, just as stunning as he’d been earlier that day. Standing tall and steady, with a dead body draped over his shoulder.
“Happy election day,” Stiles blurted. “I, uh.” He jerked his thumb over his shoulder at the body behind him. “Was just… cleaning up from one of my rides earlier.”
The blue eyed man stared at him warily for a moment.
“Me too,” he said eventually. “There was an unbelievable amount of trash from some of them.”
“Hah, yeah,” Stiles laughed, relaxing a little. “You want help? I’ll take the arms, you take the legs?”
The man nodded, and before long there were only two bodies up on the cliff, and both of them were breathing.
“I’m Stiles, by the way.”
“Peter.”
Stiles looked over to see Peter glancing up from under his eyelashes, and the butterflies in his stomach nearly broke loose.
“I was going to ask you to dinner,” he said, “but I ended up with a little more after-work clean up than I expected,” he finished in an apologetic tone.
Peter looked delighted.
“I would have said yes.”
“Well, then how do you feel about a late night snack?” Stiles suggested, coming a little closer.
“I think that sounds lovely,” Peter purred out, taking his own step closer. “We can talk about ballot initiative 8.”
“Mm, I’ve always wanted a date who can talk dirty,” Stiles said, taking one final step into Peter’s space as he laughed. Daringly, he swooped in for a light kiss, pressing his lips to Peter’s smiling ones. Peter kissed back sweetly, his smile turning into something softer.
Shyly holding each other’s hands, they walked through the woods, only having to hurry back to the river once after finding a pro-life pin that must have fallen out of someone’s pocket.
As Stiles watched the pin disappear in the crashing waters, he sighed and said to Peter, “It’s such a good feeling to take care of my civic duty.”
When I think of just random lines of dialogue, instead of finding a story to put them in, I just put them in this kinda-sorta script I call “What a Wonderful World”. So I seem to have made a comedy about murders and phycos.
...
Okay, let me explain.
- Ceann, a therapist who manipulates horrid people into suicide. Nothing can ever be traced back to her, she’s too careful for that, but she could technically be considered a serial killer. At least she understand the consequences of what she’s doing.
- Vier, her teenage niece who’s got a penchant for being over dramatic and trying to burn/blow things up. Her parents sent her to live with Ceann because she was too much trouble and they thought Ceann, as a therapist, would straighten her out. It’s not working.
- Pente, Ceann’s best friend since middle school and an assassin. Also married to Duex. She’s a little on the ditzy, kinda crazy side. Isn’t exactly sure how she got into being an assassin in the first place.
- Ato, Pente’s older brother who Ceann likes. Also an assassin, but isn’t sure how he got to be one either. Butts heads with Vier on almost every opportunity.
- Duex, Pente’s husband. Has a bit of a sociopathic personality. He doesn’t much understand emotions, and it’s almost an accident he got married to Pente in the first place. It’s still a very chill relationship.
Here’s a few things that go on:
CEANN sighs heavily, leaning against the counter. She counts the people off on her fingers before leaning on her palm.
[CEANN]
We’ve got two assassins, a serial killer, a psychopath, and a sociopath living under the same roof, in the same apartment. Things were going to get a little crazy.
CEANN gives PENTE an incredulous look.
[CEANN]
This plan of yours is going to get us killed. Of course I’m in.
VIER giggles.
[VIER]
Do you trust me?
[DUEX]
No.
VIER smacks his shoulder.
[VIER]
Smart man.
[CEANN]
Are you TRYING to get us killed!?
[VIER]
No.
There’s several beats of silence as VIER files her nails. She looks up and grins.
Is it working?
[ATO]
Come here.
[PENTE]
Why?
[ATO]
Just come here.
[PENTE]
No, you’re gonna hit me.
[PENTE]
Do I LOOK like an idiot to you?
CEANN doesn’t even look up from washing the vegetables for dinner.
[CEANN]
Yes, yes you do.
[ATO]
How’s the meeting?
[PENTE]
I want to stab everyone.
[ATO]
Don’t get blood on your dress. We have dinner reservations at seven.
[PENTE]
Love you for enabling me.
[ATO]
Love you too. But, seriously, Ceann will kill you if you come in bloody.
[PENTE]
Duly noted.
[VIER]
You’re completely insane.
[PENTE]
So they tell me. They don’t actually have any proof yet.
[CEANN]
I really hate the sight of blood.
[Duex]
Then maybe you shouldn’t kill for a living.
[CEANN]
I’m a therapist, actually.
[VIER]
You’re a terrible therapist. You drive people to suicide.
[CEANN]
We don’t talk about that.
[ATO]
WHY would you DO that?!
[VIER]
I don't have a reason for anything I do. I do it because I can.
[ATO]
This is your fault.
[VIER]
I hope so.
[CEANN]
Now remember, if you hear ominous chanting, the appropriate response is to run.
[DUEX]
Dude.
[CEANN]
It’s best to be prepared.
[PENTE]
We don't hate each other.
[ATO]
We just disagree on the scale of trying to kill each other.
[CEANN]
What am I? Flypaper for freaks?!
[DUEX]
You have NO ROOM to talk!
[ATO]
Today’s just a light reckoning.
[CEANN]
Then why are you carrying five pounds of explosives?
[ATO]
I wanted to be prepared.
ATO looks around CEANN’s workplace with his hands in his pockets; fidgetty and unamused.
[ATO]
This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
[CEANN]
Try working here.
[VIER]
Whatever look you were aiming for, you missed.
[DUEX]
You have to listen to reason!
[PENTE]
But reason is boring!
[CEANN]
Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
[DUEX]
Again. No room.
[VIER]
On a scale of one to ten, how bad do you think it’d be if-
[CEANN]
At least a twenty.
[VIER]
You’re no fun. You’re worse than my parents.
[CEANN]
Hush now. Go play with your fire.
[DUEX]
Hey! Are you sure you should be up like that?
[PENTE]
I'm MARRIED, not useless.
[ATO]
No, you’re right. You were useless before you got married.
[VIER]
... Just to be sure we’re on the same page.
[ATO]
Same page?! We’re not even in the same library!
[PENTE]
Woe is me.
[CEANN]
No, woe is ME for having to put up with this farce.
[PENTE]
I’m an idiot. You’re an idiot. We’re co-presidents of the idiot club.
[VIER]
You're really in love with the poor sap aren't you?
[CEANN]
Whatever gave you that impression?
[CEANN]
Looking back- I really should have seen it coming.
[VIER]
The sign said not to push the button. I’ve made worse mistakes.
[CEANN]
Are you clinically insane or incredibly annoying?
[ATO]
I don’t know, probably both.
[VIER]
You’re the therapist. Diagnose him. Oh wait, you might-
[CEANN]
We don’t talk about it.
[CEANN]
You really can't do anything without me, can you?
[PENTE]
Oh no, I can. It's just weather or not I do it is the question.
[VIER]
What are you doing?
[PENTE]
Trying to find a plausible reason to kill him.
[ATO]
Is there actually a reason you're trying to kill me?
[PENTE]
Usually.
[DUEX]
I’m trying to have a serious conversation with you!
[PENTE]
And I’m trying to subtly avoid it!
[VIER]
How many deaths does it take to fill a wormhole?
[CEANN]
Why would you ask that?!
[ATO]
I'm just going through my rebellious teenage phase.
[DUEX]
Dude, you're thirty.
[ATO]
So?
[CEANN]
You are remarkably well behaved tonight. What did you do?
[VIER]
Why do you as, Aunt Cece?
[CEANN]
Don’t call me that.
***
[PENTE]
Nuh-uh, I’m twenty years old now. Even the government thinks I’m an adult.
[CEANN]
Obviously no one in the current government has met you.
[CEANN]
Was there ever a reason we didn't fall in love?
[VIER]
‘Kay. So. When has actually giving a crap ever worked for me?
[ATO]
There's nothing I wouldn't give up for you.
[VIER]
Okay, no, I am NOT sharing an intimate, heart to heart with you.
[PENTE]
Why not?!?!
[VIER]
I don’t want to be ladylike. I want to lure men to their deaths.
[CEANN]
Of course, there was never a reason. She always did whatever she wanted, with no heed for the consequences.
***
[PENTE]
Living in a world without you is like not living at all.
[Duex]
Sir, we’re surrounded.
[ATO]
Excellent! We can attack in any direction!
[CEANN]
Eh, screw it. Let’s blow it up and call it a day.
[PENTE]
I’ve become a very bad influence on you.
[CEANN]
Very.
[VIER]
I’m bitter and complicated. It’s one of my charms.
[DUEX]
I don’t think you know what that word means. Or how to count.
[CEANN]
I’m not feeling violent. I’m feeling creative with weapons.
[PENTE]
I don’t know if you’re aware of this, but I’m quite petite.
[Caenn]
Really? I had no clue in our twelve years of companionship you are shorter than I am.
[VIER]
With this smile, I can get away with everything.
[ATO]
She’s crying. What do I do?
[PENTE]
Go comfort her.
[ATO]
How do I do that?
[VIER]
Start with hugs.
[ATO]
With what?
[ATO]
It's amazing, really, how much of an asshole you can be.
[PENTE]
I try.
[PENTE]
Look at all the pretties!
[CEANN]
Can you please stop talking about assault rifles the same way you talk about shoes?
[VIER]
You may want to get out of town tonight.
[ATO]
Why?
[VIER]
I’m planning to burn it to the ground.
[CEANN]
Vier, no!
[DUEX]
How? How do you keep going when there's NOTHING left to keep going for?
[VIER]
How the hell do you go on living with yourself?
[CEANN]
I don't.
[CEANN]
Maybe a day, a month, a year. A millennium. But no matter how long it takes, I will find you.
[VIER]
I'm not scared of tomorrow, as long as I live today
[VIER]
A single teardrop hit the pavement
[VIER]
He who has wrought the destruction of my people and every descendant hereafter shall know the pain and misery of losing everything they hold dear!
[PENTE]
You’re being very dramatic today.
[VIER]
Thanks!
[PENTE]
You deserve someone who makes you feel like that every day.
[VIER]
I'm not scared anymore, thanks to you.
[ATO]
Caring only gets you so far, and it usually ends with you getting hurt.
***
[DUEX]
I may not love you as you wish me to, but if I ever lost you, it'd be as if I lost a piece of myself.
[CEANN]
Of those of us to stand, only one of us was brave enough to stand not for what he believed in, but for who he believed in.
[PENTE]
For the first time, I didn't see a boy but a man.
[ATO]
Gee, THANKS, Pente.
[PENTE]
I’m trying to say you’ve finally grown up.
[VIER]
I have nothing against the rich and famous. I do, however, have something against the pompous and absurd.
[DUEX]
I don't like people, I don't trust people. I most certainly, sure as hell don't trust you. Why would I believe a word you say?
[VIER]
You always leave! What am I supposed to do when you leave and never come back?!
[PENTE]
Loving you is going to kill me one of these days.
[CEANN]
The people who tell you what you want to hear are the most dangerous enemies you'll ever meet.
[ATO]
Like you?
[CEANN]
Exactly like me.
[VIER]
You can be anything, you can be stronger. Remember, Ice was once water.
[DUEX]
I'd fall in love with you all over again if I could.
[VIER]
Brother against brother. Father against son. It wasn't righteous, it was a massacre.
[PENTE]
You are nothing more or less than the woman you wish to be.
[CEANN]
I have yet to find the girl who enjoys being treated like trash. And trust me- I’ve been at this a while.
[Duex]
I can't stand the thought of anyone else loving you like I do.
[ATO]
I won't tell you that you can win, because you already know that. I won't tell you that you're good enough, because that would be an insult. I won't ask you to win for me, because you don't need that and neither do I. So- win, if that's what YOU want. Don't do your best, be THE best. Win because it's something you want.
[VIER]
Even after the darkness fades, there will always be a light.
[CEANN]
Even after the light fades, that darkness will always remain.
[PENTE]
Being with him- was like learning to love again.
[CEANN]
Don't let me go.
[PENTE]
Glass half empty, glass half full. Well, either way you won't go thirsty.
[CEANN]
You're too wrapped up in your self-doubt
[CEANN]
You don't gain a single thing from misery, take it from me.
[PENTE]
Don't talk like you know me!
[DUEX]
You're my everything.
[CEANN]
I want you to hold me, and never let me go.
[ATO]
You gave up everything! For what? For her? No way in hell. What's the real reason?
[VIER]
I smile, you think I'm fine. But there's something wrong. I'm not okay...
[PENTE]
My choice was you, it was always you
[CEANN]
I will be the spider thread that holds you above the cliff, but should you ever wish to fall, I'll let you go. Know, though, that I will be at the bottom, ready to catch you, should that time ever come.
[ATO]
What did you do this summer?
[VIER]
Oh, I planned a murder.
[DUEX]
You bother me.
[VIER]
I bother everyone.
[DUEX]
Yeah, but especially me.
[PENTE]
At least ten different sites that promised to scare my pants off, and I'm still wearing them.
[ATO]
There's something about you that just ticks me off.
[PENTE]
Oh yeah? What?
[ATO]
Literally everything.
[ATO]
For the amount of us not talking about kill people-
there is a comedy tv show that i saw a tumblr post about and it looked like it was about a murder investigation? does anyone know what I’m talking about?
My senior comic project from MCAD is now available as a PDF for digital download! Here is a preview of the first five pages, as well as some previews of the story.
It’s $3 (or pay-what-you-want on Gumroad.) Gumroad // Sellfy
Reblogs help too! Thank you for the support!
"Of Corpse I Know What I'm Doing" is a murder comedy and as such, is rated PG-13. Warnings for cartoon blood, violence, gore, decapitation, guns, and crappy art projects. The PDF includes the the 33 full color page comic, the cover, character sheet, and artist's bio.
