What I think is "me" and what some think is "myself"
This is a rant/essay/post about me questioning fictionkinity/fictionheartedness and thoughts that came with that. I do not know yet if I DO or DON'T fall into these terms, so take my words with a grain of salt.
Lately, is hard to say what is 'me' and what is 'her'.
Yeah, I have always loved her, at least for as long as I have known about her, her personality, her design, her speech, her voice, her eyes... Everything about her, made me like her and love her as a character. She became my favorite very quickly.
I felt like I related to her in a way, similar with other characters in the past; what she lived, what she felt, her reactions... Anything, that reminded me of me, about her, made me love her more.
But one night, the line that divided what was 'me' and what was 'her', felt blurry for the first time. (That dream won't be fully discussed here, maybe in another post). I thought at first, since I was not her in the dream, that it was just a silly thing, just a representation of how she became important for me and how much she makes me happy and makes me smile.
Yes, I did feel drawn to her before that, I felt connected in a way, I kinda wanted to resemble her more and be more like her, even learn to copy her voice/speech. I even started mentally planning to cosplay as her for a convention one day.
But that dream... Or nightmare, felt weird in the context. She was being taken away from me without my consent, and that devastated me in the dream.
She wasn't a core part of me. Just a character, one I really appreciated.
I even questioned why I remembered it, specially that part, because I don't tend to remember dreams nor nightmares, not even parts of them 100% clearly, and yet, it seems stuck in my memory since then...
All that, was what made me start question if I was her in a way, or just related/connected to her. In other words, if I identified as her or with her.
That's when the intended introduction of this ends.
Now, we are here, still wondering if I identify as her or with her. But that's not the only thought my mind has created lately to overthink.
I have had headcannons of her, even before this questioning, some pretty strong and/or different from other parts of the fandom. One friend, before all this, even tried to explain me what was "right" and "wrong" about how I depicted her in my mind.
Now, with a part of my brain who already accepted we may be her or something related to her, some of my thoughts about her are in first person. Most would think, "not a big deal, right?", well, for me it is.
"I wouldn't do that" instead of "I don't think she would do that".
"I'm not a monster" instead of "I don't think of her as a monster".
"That's not how it is" intead of "I don't think that's how things are for her and the involved ones".
Now, the events she went through, and the characterization she had from some, felt a bit... Personal? Emotional? Even if I don't have any memories of my own of her universe, of her life, just what is depicted in the show... It all felt, mine in a way.
Where does "her" ends and where does "me" starts?
These headcannons, these interpretations... They aren't memories, they aren't solid, they don't have strong bases. Yet still, why do they feel so important? They aren't canon.
Yes, I have felt a bit personal with some hc for other characters, but not in this specific way.
Me as her, is a very different person from what others depict her as.
It feels wrong, like illegal or inmoral, like I'm somehow violating the cannon or something, It is weird and without any bases or arguments, but feelings and emotion aren't always logical, sadly.
I just try to ignore the emotional bag, since I don't even know yet what I am, and since from a more objetive standpoint, I am not doing wrong just by thinking in a way...
I wrote this hoping someone else would feel similar, so I could tell them they are not alone in this, and to try and comprehend better my mind in the process. Sorry if this essay thingy doesn't make fully sense, It's 4 am and I just had to finish it out of random ass motivation lmao.
