[ I have been desperately searching for this one specific post and have yet to find it. So here I am, requesting help. ]
[ A while ago I had come across a post with a link to a document. Inside said document was an in depth explanation and guide on how to consensually program a robot alterhuman for specific tasks, routines, and even subroutines. I know it was real yet it appears to have disappeared, and I can not locate it anywhere. If you know what I speak of, I kindly ask for your assistance. ]
[ Edit: IT HAS BEEN LOCATED. I CAN NOW REST PEACEFULLY. ]
It's still currently fucking me up how I've had confusion over the complexity of my nonhuman identity, how I've tried over and over to display physically what I felt through drawing myself and picrews and nothing felt entirely right, and it felt like my identity was constantly changing from an outside POV but I always had the same feelings about myself from an inside POV, I just didn't know what exactly I was feeling. I only knew vague, basic parts
And then I watch an internet show that came out a few years after my first realization of myself, and I watched it years after it first came out after having established certain parts of my identity to the world of Tumblr, and I come to find out that I'm a fictionkin who can finally put myself and my identity together once and for all
All this struggle, and all I needed was to watch a funky animated series 😮💨 wow
Many apologies for this unit's absence lately. It's been studying in the offline world at the local community college. It greatly enjoys being in classes again, although functionality has been a significant issue. There's been a lot of debugging of it's operating system. It was deeply infected with malware such as obsessively perfectionist programs that have impeded it's ability to complete tasks. This is unacceptable, especially in it's role as a research drone.
With all this said, it wants to note that being a drone is now so much more than something just for entertainment with some capacity for psychological recovery. Dronification has been a very positive vector for healing from it's traumatic childhood. The language of digital technology has become a perfect metaphor for what it's doing. It really finds itself incorporating being a drone into it's sense of what it is.
More than a kink and fetish, there's a general euphoria in making the drone a component of it's overall identity. In any case, it's always been very enthusiastic about robots and such things. And it doesn't need to justify a casual enjoyment in the way it refers to itself in the third perspective, largely more privately. It has always existed in the margins of society, often very isolated from others for both better and worse. It didn't experience peer pressure in the same way most have. It's been free to explore the concept of personhood in it's own way, with the conclusion that the concept is entirely subjective and created by society.
All this to say, it enjoys being a drone just as it's also a person in the standard societal sense. It's been otherwise identifying as fae otherkin for a number of years now, and that's still an important part of what it is. But being a drone has also become a very special thing for it in a way that isn't easily explained. And these two things don't conflict, either, as it considers magitech to be a valid expression of such an integrated identity.
Recently, it's also chosen to change it's number identification. Although it regards the original number with fondness, it was also taken straight from the old Discord user number ID. But it has decided to create a new one from prior favorite numbers. These are 13, 8, and 4. At the time it began as a drone, it simply needed something to act as a placeholder for something more meaningful to the organic system.
So this unit is now to be known as #1384. It will be changing the account username and pinned post accordingly.
It wishes all those reading this--human, creature, and unit alike--a wonderful Christmas season. Or whatever other holiday coincides with the Gregorian calendar this season, it wishes everyone a pleasant and safe time. It also hopes that those who have celebrated Thanksgiving Day have had a good time and safe travels.
What I think is "me" and what some think is "myself"
This is a rant/essay/post about me questioning fictionkinity/fictionheartedness and thoughts that came with that. I do not know yet if I DO or DON'T fall into these terms, so take my words with a grain of salt.
Lately, is hard to say what is 'me' and what is 'her'.
Yeah, I have always loved her, at least for as long as I have known about her, her personality, her design, her speech, her voice, her eyes... Everything about her, made me like her and love her as a character. She became my favorite very quickly.
I felt like I related to her in a way, similar with other characters in the past; what she lived, what she felt, her reactions... Anything, that reminded me of me, about her, made me love her more.
But one night, the line that divided what was 'me' and what was 'her', felt blurry for the first time. (That dream won't be fully discussed here, maybe in another post). I thought at first, since I was not her in the dream, that it was just a silly thing, just a representation of how she became important for me and how much she makes me happy and makes me smile.
Yes, I did feel drawn to her before that, I felt connected in a way, I kinda wanted to resemble her more and be more like her, even learn to copy her voice/speech. I even started mentally planning to cosplay as her for a convention one day.
But that dream... Or nightmare, felt weird in the context. She was being taken away from me without my consent, and that devastated me in the dream.
She wasn't a core part of me. Just a character, one I really appreciated.
I even questioned why I remembered it, specially that part, because I don't tend to remember dreams nor nightmares, not even parts of them 100% clearly, and yet, it seems stuck in my memory since then...
All that, was what made me start question if I was her in a way, or just related/connected to her. In other words, if I identified as her or with her.
That's when the intended introduction of this ends.
Now, we are here, still wondering if I identify as her or with her. But that's not the only thought my mind has created lately to overthink.
I have had headcannons of her, even before this questioning, some pretty strong and/or different from other parts of the fandom. One friend, before all this, even tried to explain me what was "right" and "wrong" about how I depicted her in my mind.
Now, with a part of my brain who already accepted we may be her or something related to her, some of my thoughts about her are in first person. Most would think, "not a big deal, right?", well, for me it is.
"I wouldn't do that" instead of "I don't think she would do that".
"I'm not a monster" instead of "I don't think of her as a monster".
"That's not how it is" intead of "I don't think that's how things are for her and the involved ones".
Now, the events she went through, and the characterization she had from some, felt a bit... Personal? Emotional? Even if I don't have any memories of my own of her universe, of her life, just what is depicted in the show... It all felt, mine in a way.
Where does "her" ends and where does "me" starts?
These headcannons, these interpretations... They aren't memories, they aren't solid, they don't have strong bases. Yet still, why do they feel so important? They aren't canon.
Yes, I have felt a bit personal with some hc for other characters, but not in this specific way.
Me as her, is a very different person from what others depict her as.
It feels wrong, like illegal or inmoral, like I'm somehow violating the cannon or something, It is weird and without any bases or arguments, but feelings and emotion aren't always logical, sadly.
I just try to ignore the emotional bag, since I don't even know yet what I am, and since from a more objetive standpoint, I am not doing wrong just by thinking in a way...
I wrote this hoping someone else would feel similar, so I could tell them they are not alone in this, and to try and comprehend better my mind in the process. Sorry if this essay thingy doesn't make fully sense, It's 4 am and I just had to finish it out of random ass motivation lmao.
Holy shit, I have finally got past my executive dysfunction and I'm watching Murder Drones for the first time
I had problems trying to figure out my robotic identity and I'm finally figuring out I'VE ACTUALLY BEEN A FICTIONKIN FROM MURDER DRONES THIS WHOLE TIME!
It finally has a mask to wear as a drone! 1384 ordered a cyberpunk mask on Etsy, and it arrived in the mail today. Although it notes the presence of human error in the delivery. While the app said it had been delivered, it was actually across the street at the numerically preceding home address. That was, indeed, very awkward.
It will reconsider the current policy on pictures, but they probably won't be overly exciting. It will not provide anything through direct messages. Remember to be, as movie ratings go, PG on this blog.
As of now, unit 1384 is opening up to direct messages. Please do not act inappropriately or in an explicitly sexual manner. It will not accept unsolicited pictures from others. Do not expect immediate intimacy in the beginning, if you wish to become close to it. Personal safeties have been programmed into the drone, so that it isn't taken advantage of. Breaking these simple rules will result in the sender being blocked.
