It was epically unplanned. Nothing had been more unplanned then this.
"Pregnant?" Wilson frowned, baffled, "but we use condoms! And you're on the pill."
"These things happen all the same," Amber shrugged. "I know you're in shock, or whatever, but come on, you know this, you're a doctor for petes sake!"
"I know!" Wilson grumbled, "but still, we're always so careful..." he sighs, letting this go. "Ok, what's the plan now?"
"Have the baby, obviously," Amber rolls her eyes like this is obvious. "Become parents, all that! You're always saying how you wanted kids some day. Well, here one is! Aren't you happy?"
Wilson smiled tightly, "of course," he lied, through gritted teeth.
House laughs his ass off, "you're fucking screwed!" He wheezes heartily after Wilson drops the bombshell.
"Shut uuuuuuup!" Wilson whines, "what am I gonna do House?"
"Tell her you don't want the little paracist?" House offers, tossing his iconic ball back and forth against the wall of his office as he talks.
"I can't do that! I've yapped on and on about wanting to be a father some day to her."
"Mhm, to me and all! Course, we both know its bullshit. You couldn't want anything less then bloody fatherhood!" House remarks.
"That's not true!" Wilson lies, first and foremost, to himself. "It's just....a lot, is all."
"Uh huh," House says, with a coxed, unimpressed eyebrow. "Look, Wilson, either tell her you don’t want kids and that you're a lying liar who lies, oooooor, get stuck with a screaming, spewing, vomiting, shittng wild animal for the rest of your days. Your choice."
Wilson nibbles his lying lips anxiously, his stomach churning with the sickness of denial, "you're wrong House. I do want kids. I always have."
If lying could kill, Wilson would have dropped dead there and then.
"Isn’t it exciting?!" Amber is all a glow as she pulls Wilson excitedly around a Baby and Me shop. "Look how cute all the tiny clothes are!"
"Hmm," Wilson manages. It's been a few weeks since the big announcement. Amber is thrilled, and Wilson is pretending to be. To distract himself, he peers at a nearby price tag for a crib and gags, "that much?!"
Amber giggles pleasantly, "babies are expensive! I once read that from ages 0 to 18, the average child costs their parents a million dollars, did you know that? Oh! We have so much to do! We're going to need to start the baby their own college fund, we're both going to need to update our life insurances, move into a bigger place - ooh, James, honey, look at this pram! Only 800 dollars, down from 870! What a steal."
"How much?!" House laughs his ass off, again.
"Shut uuuuuuup," Wilson whines, again.
"You'll never be able to afford to buy me lunch again at this bloody rate!" House laughs. "You poor, pathetic soul you. But ya know what's worse then an empty wallet? The weight of crushing responsibility! Everything you do and say, everything you don't do or say, everything you do too much of or too little off will shape your kid forever. You'll never, ever be just Wilson again. Now, you're gonna be somebody's dad. Ya think Amber's gonna let you come over and get drunk at my place whenever you like while you leave her with a screaming kid? I don't think so!" House says all this with a smirk, almost like he knows exactly what's going to happen.
"It's just that.... I worry, about still being able to lead my own life," Wilson says, delicately.
"And by lead your own life, you mean fuck around with House," Amber tuts. "Look, you two can still have occasional boys nights, maybe once or twice a month to watch your monster trucks or bowl or whatever it is you two do together.:
"Twice a month?" Wilson frets, "I usually hang out with House every day."
Amber barks a laugh, "well there'll be no more of that once the baby comes. Plus, twice a month is if you're lucky! The baby might be sick or I might need your help. Once you're a parent, your life isn't your own anymore. You have to be 100% devoted me and to the baby. My mom didn't see her friends at all until I was school age, she just couldn't find the time. Seeing House might have to be reserved to work-only, possibly for months at a time! That's just what being a parent means."
Wilson swallows.
"Fuck that!" House says, swinging a golf club in his office, sending the golf ball flying across the carpet. "This is why I'm never having children."
"It wasn't exactly my idea!" Wilson protests. "She got pregnant on accident."
"You sure she didn't poke a few holes in your condoms just to do this on purpose? All it would take is an earring. Holes so small you wouldn't even notice," House offers.
"House," Wilson warns.
House throws up his hands in surrender, "just saying. Look, you're running out of time here dada. You have to tell her the truth."
Wilson's lips suck in tightly, as if physically holding back the truth as he attempts to smile. It looks murderous, "there's nothing to tell."
Amber is standing in front of the mirror when it happens, admiring her stomach. "Look!" She beams at Wilson, "I'm starting to show a little."
Finally, Wilson cracks. "I don't want this," he whispers.
"What?" Amber frowns, confused.
"I don't want kids. Ever," Wilson manages to meet her eyes. "I like the idea of fatherhood, but not the reality. I know I talked about wanting it, but...I never actually did. Still don't."
Amber’s glee drains, and then quickly morphs into anger, "this is House talking, isn't it?"
Wilson shakes his head, "no. I mean, House has said the same, but only because its true. He just...knows me too well." Wilson sighs, "I'm sorry Amber, but House is right. I'm a lying liar who lies. I just said that stuff about fatherhood because that's what you're supposed to say, its what I'm supposed to want. But I don't."
"What do you suggest?!" Amber snaps, "that I abort?"
Wilson holds back his real answer by saying, "its your choice."
"But you don't want the baby, for sure?"
"No. I don't."
"That means, if I do, and I keep the pregnancy, then that?" Amber demands. "You'll walk out on us?"
"I don't want it to come to that, no. I want us to stay together."
"Well I'm keeping my baby, and raising it! So how does that one work, James?! You'll still date me, but refuse to spend any time with your own child?! What am I supposed to tell our baby? 'I'm dating your dad but they don't want to see you?!' I can't do that!"
"And I can't be a father, its not in me," Wilson says.
"Then we obviously can't be together," Amber huffs, "but know this James Wilson; you're not off the hook. I expect massive child support checks off that big oncologist salary of yours for the next eighteen straight years, and I'm telling everyone that you walked out on your kid for no good reason! What will everyone say when the oh-so-nice Doctor Wilson is outed as someone who abandoned his child?! What will the baby think?! Are you ready to look an eighteen year old in the eye and explain to them that you simply didn't want them? You should be ashamed of yourself. You're scum, James. Actual, diabolical scum."
"Ouch," House says, as he passes Wilson a beer. "Harsh."
"What am I gonna do House?" Wilson asks, miserably. "Am I really going to abandon this kid? It'll grow up always feeling so regretted. Plus Amber will spend the rest of her life telling everybody how awful I am for walking out on her like this. My reputation will be ruined. Nobody will ever respect me again. Even patients won't want me to treat them. I've seen it happen to other doctors."
"So we'll change our names and move to Mexico," House says, plopping himself down on his sofa beside Wilson. "She won't find us there."
"House, I'm serious."
"So am I! You say the word and we'll start a new life, gaunteed. Ya wanna see the fake passports I have at the ready for us?"
Wilson scoffs, actually managing to feel somewhat better, "Ya know what, I believe they exist, because you're a lunatic."
"At least I'm not a father who went to get the milk," House shrugs.
Willow throws a cushion at him.
"Ouch!" House laughs, before shoving it back on Wilson. "Well if you're so smart, what's your plan?"
Wilson doesn't know - all he does know, is that he can't let Amber ruin his life like this.
"You really think this will help?" Amber asks, in the car, as the two drive to a remote cabin.
"I've been thinking a lot about what you said, and I realised we need to come together on this," Wilson says, "I think a weekend away is just what we need. We'll talk this out, properly. Figure out how to be a family."
Amber smiles, looking very self satisfied, "I knew you'd come around. You're a man who puts his reputation first, after all."
Wilson grips the steering wheel harder.
He was trying to talk her out of it. "Single motherhood is really hard work, and you're so young. You can find a better man to have a baby with."
"I'm having this baby James, with or without you," Amber confirms. "But I meant what I said. I'll chase you to the ends of the Earth if I have to. Wherever you go, whatever you do, however many job changes you take up, I'll be there, telling everybody exactly how much of a coward you are. So, the choice is yours. Step up, marry me like a good man would, and raise this child, or be haunted by me forever. I know which one I'd pick." She says, as she sits down on the bench at the peak of a breathtaking lookout point, atop a hill hike the two have just completed whilst they talked. Nobody and nothing but natural beauty surrounds them.
Wilson's teeth are set on edge, "I really can't change your mind on that?"
"Nope!" Amber grins. "Oh. Just look at you!" She giggles. "Poking holes in those condoms was truly the best decision of my life."
Wilson's face drains of colour, "what?" He whispers.
"Oh, your old so-called genius of a best friend didn't figure that one out?" Amber laughs, evilly. "I only started dating you to get back at House for firing me, to steal the whole thing he cares about, you!" She swings her legs happily as she sits. "And now, I've got you by the balls, forever, and there's nothing you can do about it!"
"WILSON!!" House yells, bursting into the hospital room as fast as his limp will carry him.
Wilson, bruised, bloodied, and still being washed by a nurse, sniffs through the dirt that covers him, "I've never been so happy to see you, you old bastard."
"Shit," House shakes his head in dismay, sitting down on the edge of the bed. "What the fuck happened?!"
"Oh House," Wilson says, tears beginning in his eyes, "Amber and I were hiking, trying to work things out, and she - she -" his voice wobbles. "She lost her balance and fell. I climbed down, as fast as I could, trying to reach her," he sniffs, showing the cuts on his hands from the sharp rocks he scaled, "but she was already dead by the time I got there. Her neck snapped. I lost her House, I lost her!" He launches into sobs.
"Fuck!" House breathes. "Jesus Christ Wilson!" He shakes his head in dismay. "It's ur," House struggles, "well I was gonna say 'its gonna be alright' but that's the stupidest thing I've ever heard! I'm sorry Wilson, but I literally don't know what to do with this! So you tell me, what can I do?"
Wilson looks to the nurse, "can you leave us alone a minute?" He hiccups between sobs, before looking to House, "I know we've never hugged before, but -"
"Get here!" House interrupts, dragging Wilson into a bear hug. "Anything that helps, alright? If me dressing in drag and doing the hula helps, so fucking be it!"
Wilson shivels a laugh, his head on House’s shoulder, as the nurse quietly He puts down the cloth she was using to scrub the dirt off Wilson and hurries out of the room, leaving the completely alone in this private room.
The second the door clicks shut; the waterworks stop instantly.
"Phew, I thought she'd never leave," Wilson says, leaning out of the hug, smiling at House, "I really am glad to see you, ya know. This whole experience has shown me who it is I belong with, and that's you, you crazy cripple."
House, understandably, looks baffled, "um, Wilson? What the fuck? Are you in shock or something?" He asks, picking up Wilson’s wrist and checking his pulse.
"No," Wilson smiles. "I'm just happy to have gotten rid of my problems, forever."
House locks eyes with him, "gotten rid of?" He repeats, cautiously.
"Yeah," Wilson breathes like he's been holding his breath these past three and a half months - and he has. "Funny, how many problems one quick shove will take care of."
Even House, known evil genius, pales, "you mean you..?"
"Don't worry," Wilson interupt with a smile, "she won't be ruining my reputation or coming between us ever, ever again, and that's a promise, darling," he leans forward and kisses House gently upon the lips, "Now, about Mexico. You still got those fake passports ready?"
House looks horrified for only a minute longer, then relaxes into a smile, "you know that I do. How do you feel about the name Robert Sean Leonard for your new identity?"
At this, Wilson - or rather, Leonard, simply grins.