after being forced to tolerate something for so long, when you GET to choose, when you have the freedom, it's nice to be picky and deny all the grace and patience and tolerance that's been extracted out of you like blood diamonds
no, I won't be friendly
no, I won't be sociable
I will be bland, disinterested, neutral, and distant
I will be earnest, effusive, and indulgent
I will be angry, vitriolic, petty, whiny, snarky, and unpleasant
All the things that were taken against my will or held against me
But also, when I DO want to be friendly and sociable, I'd like to know how
All I know is how to offer services and help
I don't think I know how to accept being appreciated or seen or shown interest in
Or how to be around others without structure
Clubs? Hobbies? Things where you're there for an activity so the staying incentive isn't the first-impression magnetic charm of someone's personality. You're not there for them, you're there for the activity. It's not a constant calculation of "is continuous contact with this person worth the planning effort" or "am I charming enough"
So the stakes are low for getting to know people and so bonds can grow and you learn to appreciate people the more you know them
It's the best strategy I've got so far
Once things are more stable I can redirect more effort towards this strategy
Soon soon soon