#murrder

[hawkingbishop]

Man, being just friends with people is REALLY HARD when you have BPD.

I need to keep reminding myself over and over that she doesn’t want to be more right now.

But it doesn’t hurt any less. Cried my eyes out just now over it.

I really wish things could’ve worked out differently…

But I have to learn to live with it. I have to learn to lock those romantic/sexual feelings away.

I hope I can learn.

Boundaries are fucking hard.

[hawkingbishop]

I’m going too fast again. 🫠

How the fuck do I slow down? How do I suppress the sapphic/BPD parts of me that want to go so fast?

[hawkingbishop]

She’s having a kink party for her bday and she invited me but I declined because I’m 99.9% sure she wouldn’t want to do anything with me, and I don’t think I could stand watching her have sex with other people.

I want her out of my fucking mind. I want to be just friends. That’s all she wants. Why can’t I fucking get it through my fucking skull?

[hawkingbishop]

I miss her so much. I hate it.

I want her out of my fucking brain!

[hawkingbishop]

I’ve barely talked to her this week. And it’s not killing me anymore.

But I do still feel the pull. It’s not gone, but I think I have a better control on it now?

It still sucks. But not as much.

I just wish my inspiration and motivation would come back. 😑

Oh, and Kal invited me to go to a lesbian bar with her tonight and I chickened out and stayed home.

I’ll never people if I always stay home. I hate myself so much. I always hold myself back. It’s only ever my fault.

[hawkingbishop]

I can’t make these feelings go away. 😓

I want to be okay with just being friends, but it’s still killing me.

I wish I could just shut the feelings off.

[hawkingbishop]

I think my infatuation (I dont wanna say obsession) with her is a mixture of sapphic longing, BPD, and gender dysphoria.

Like I fell for her fast and hard. And I wish I was her.

She’s pretty much everything I wish I was and want.

[hawkingbishop]

I’ve gone over her place like once a week for about two months now. But she’s busy with work this week and I can’t see her. And it’s killing me.

Fuck object impermanence. 🤦🏽‍♀️

I don’t wanna feel so empty without her.