Short Story:
My album 'Getting Older' is nominated for a Music PEI 2022 award, 'Downtown Charlottetown Pop Recording of the Year', which is flattering. The category is filled with other artists I genuinely enjoy and respect.
Not quite as short story:
I believe I enjoy writing music, but sometimes it can be hard to tell from how frustrated it can feel at times! Which seems silly. I had a friend recently remind me that I (we) don't have that many people actively listening to my (our) music, and that can be quite liberating to remember; I can explore new feelings and vibes and sounds and emotions within my music, because why? WHY NOT.
That said, a big part of what I enjoy about music is the response. The immediate reaction at a live show, or hearing about how a song may have resonated with someone, etc. That likely has to do with my insatiable ego, but I'd like to believe that part of it is because I find songwriting/performing to be a different form of connection than a routine conversation can allow.
That said, as I age I find I'm not playing as much, either from moving around or being an old guy or other issues. As well, I find it hard to ask people to listen to my music. After over a decade, the novelty of asking my friends for their thoughts has likely worn off for them.
And yet these songs still grow and change for me, and mean various things for me as time moves. My song "Origami", from 'Getting Older', is one of the most meaningful song that I've written so far, and it's one of the least streamed songs in my catalogue. I wrote the lyrics after being inspired by Ken Liu's short story "the paper menagerie", and many months later finished the song in a burst. I'm proud of the slow-ass guitar solo. I'm proud of the near whispered vocal delivery. It's written from the perspective of a dead mother regretting a lack of communication with her son. It made Maureen cry when I showed her a rough mix when she was pregnant. I showed a family member that song after we fought last month. It means more to me as time goes on. But it feels odd when 'Origami' and other songs do not 'perform well' on streaming platforms, it's like they were only for me in the first place?
I've been in a bit of a writing funk over the past year and a half, and just in the past month or so I've been getting a form of groove back. The material I'm working on is slightly more abstract than what I've created before (maybe?) but I'm enjoying where it is leading, currently. And I want to enjoy that process. If there is a scale of "who is this song for?", on one end there is Audience and the other is Self. Currently I'm allowing the scale to slide closer to self.
Ok, so what is my point? I'm not entirely sure myself, except that the relationship between the act of creating, the act of recreating, and the outside 'commercial' element of art/music/creation is complex and mysterious and confusing. The audience is definitely a part of that relationship and it's hard feeling like my relationship with an audience is distant & difficult to read. Like a chef wanting feedback on their new dish, so do I crave some form of discussion or response about the work. Which, I realize, sounds entirely narcissistic.
Which leads me to this: I appreciate being nominated for Pop Recording of the Year by Music PEI. Not because I feel the album deserves an award, but because it helps me feel like I actually made something that exists in the world. I'm among fantastic company that I genuinely enjoy. What a nice way to start this week, the very day I return to work after parental leave.
