#musing and thoughts

[rabbitguk]

Fuck I am so screwed for O level art someone kill me

[tidbitsandthoughts]

But yeah! My friend made a writing blog for her stories and she's amazing <3 she is open to requests and I love her work so much <3 if you ever have time, check her out <3 liberum-ad-scribendum 

[victoriafication]

Everyone has gotten really good at being upset. 

I was talking about this in one of my classes a few months ago, and I was reminded of it last night when I took a middle-of-the-night wander around my living room (hey, I wasn't sleeping so why not burn all of 10 calories). As I collapsed on my chaise (yes, I have a chaise) and went over everything that was bothering me, what issues each thing was bringing up from my childhood, and attempted to practice the healthy self-soothing techniques that my therapist had taught me that were not the incorrect self soothing techniques that I had adopted as child, it occurred to me that I had gotten really good at this. I'm excellent at logically explaining my problems to my therapist and self-analyzing. I'm great at sending long emails to friend detailing my crisis in well-organized paragraphs with correctly punctuated sentences-- my high school English teacher would be proud. 

And that's the thing-- I've handled my feelings, or what in previous decades would have been called "temperament" (and since I like to picture myself as an old Hollywood film star mid-breakdown and high-style, I like to think of myself as having a temperament) the exact same way my hyper-achieving generation handles most things: by trying to be good at it. I don't go to my therapists and cry. No, no. I show her how articulate and self-aware I am, how sensitive but mature, and how I'm friendly with a great sense of humor-- I can be valedictorian and prom queen (to be fair, I was neither in high school, but I also went to one of those schools that didn't really do that since they wanted to make sure "everyone felt valued").

I have a lot of friends who seem to function the same way. Really smart, articulate, charming people... who have days where they can't get out of bed, can't leave their apartments, cry for hours, and any other number of things. But when they go to talk about how they feel, how they are, and they say "not good" "not happy" they are smart, articulate, and charming about it. And while all of those smart, articulate, and charming explanations might get one a gold star and an invitation to dinner at your therapist, they don't begin to capture anything. Because all of that well developed logic doesn't really express what it's like to be crying at 3am and not be able to stop-- it just doesn't really translate.  

So, it just seems like, we've all gotten really good at being upset.