Past, Present, and Praise.
Below the cut there will be mentions of kink, and examples of praise done correctly and incorrectly. This is post one of two in this category.
Once, during a scene when I was first exploring kink, I praised my submissive for being strong. He did not want to be strong. He wanted to be weak, vulnerable, cry and break. My praise insisted that it was the outcome I valued more than the being. He acted with the strength I had praised. That did not free him. It locked him. If I had changed my wording, "You're alright. Good." It could have had an entirely different result. Praise is not always good. What you praise, when, and the style, all effects the outcome.
There was a study done on how we understand praise by Carol Dweck. Person Praise - and Process Praise. Person Praise affirms who you are. "You're so strong" "You're smart" "You're perfect" Process Praise evaluates what you did. "You did good using your safe word" "Your communication was amazing" "Holding that position was impressive" Person praise sounds more flashy, Process praise has more affect. Because Person praise gives a stone set behavior to maintain. Being perfect can mean; don't make mistakes, don't use your safe word. That forces pressure. Process praise creates growth, and freedom. Honesty, communication, and value in honesty. Safe words are success, not failure. Another example set:
A. "I love how wet you get for me" The submissive's brain heard an expectation. A target. Prove it, do it, or fail. It stops being easy, and eventually, that praised action, stops happening entirely. B. "You look so good when you x for me." No pressure, no goal, just admiration of what is seen. Everything comes easily after that. One example praised ability, the other praised moments. Same brain, session, body - yet opposite outcomes. Backward praise points to something that already happened. Complete, no more performance demanded. "You did so well" "You held that wonderfully" Being Praise points to something that already is. No goal, just moments. "I love how your mind works" "Your smile makes me happy" Forward "praise" points to the future. "You're so brave" = stay brave "You're the perfect sub" = Don't stop being perfect. This is often not just praise, it is a wish, command, motivation, or even manipulation. The example of "You're so brave" assesses the being. It defines who someone is, regardless of if they feel that way or not. Now, there is an expectation set that was not consented to. That can be harmful. Now, to say, "You took that punishment so well" describes what was viewed. Specific, completed. It leaves the submissive to break, cry, and be weak. It does not tell them who to be next. "Violent Praise:" I define who you are. "Non-violent Praise:" I describe what I saw.
Praise has different jobs. Performance praise stabilizes in the moment. When engaged in a task, telling them "You're doing so good. Keep breathing." allows an anchor, and helps the prefrontal cortex to maintain control. Vulnerability praise holds the space when action is not goal. When someone lets go or breaks, "you're so brave" is a door slam. It can say 'go back to before. be strong. your emotion is not welcome.' Instead, "You're safe" "I see you." "I'm here." Using performance praise during vulnerable moments suppresses the one thing that needs to come out. Know which job your praise should be doing.