#my5yearcommitment

[livingtomakeadifference]

An Open Letter

It’s funny how You use Pastor Steven’s messages to speak into the depths of my heart and make me confront what I have been avoiding. It’s funny how I can go to a church service and hear the same exact words from someone’s else mouth that I had been thinking/asking myself (You) just days, sometimes hours before. I hate it but at the same time, I know it’s good for me.

So this is me. This is me confronting my biggest issue, my biggest heartbreak, my biggest disappointment, my biggest insecurity. And yes, it’s in an open letter because I’m tired of hiding. I’m tired of struggling alone. I’m tired of putting up a front like I’m okay when I’m really not. And I know that if I’m open, honest, real, and vulnerable You are going to use this for Your glory… someway, somehow.

So here it goes.

Why? Why am I still single? Why am I not worthy of being pursued? Why is my love not precious enough to be fought for?

I know I made that 5 year commitment with You almost 3 years ago but to be honest, I think I just made that commitment as a way to deal with my loneliness. As a way for me to hide and mask the feelings of rejection, worthlessness, shame.

I know that I have failed over the past 3 years with that commitment but that’s not what I’m ashamed of. I am ashamed because I’m almost 23 years old and have never been in a relationship. Heck, I’ve only been on one official date in my life and that was just weird. Oh yeah, and the first and only guy that I became very close to was a very selfish sex addict, borderline alcoholic, smoker, former convict, father of 3 kids who has no business even being considered as a possible future companion for me. Yet, that happened because he was someone who absolutely adored me and loved everything about me.

I don’t understand. I don’t understand why there are very few good Christian guys in my life and the ones that are, overlook me like I’m not good enough for them. I don’t understand why people are trying to get me with guys who’s hearts aren’t right with You yet they want me to be happy. I don’t understand why my love for someone isn’t worth being fought for. I don’t understand why people tell me all the time that I’m a beautiful, godly girl yet guys are blind to it.

I’m tired of sitting around feeling worthless. I’m tired of trying to keep my mind and life busy enough where I don’t think about wanting to be loved. I’m tired of people asking me if there’s a guy in my life and me quietly saying no. I’m tired wondering if there will ever be a guy who will love me for me and love everything about me because I am Yours.

I’m tired of looking at couples and wondering what does she have that I don’t. I’m tired of hearing my girl friends talk about their boyfriends/fiances/husbands and not feeling happy for them. I’m tired of the sadness, the resentment, the frustration. I’m tired of the wishful/hopeful thinking that just leads to disappointment.

I’m tired of trying to be/feel okay.

You know it doesn’t take much to make me happy. You know I’m the kind of person that finds joy is the small, random things in life. You know all I want is just a guy who I can connect with on a personal, emotional, and spiritual level. I don’t care what he looks like. I don’t care what he does for a living. I don’t care if his personality is the complete opposite of mine. All I care about is that he loves You (like truly loves You) and will encourage, support, uplift, and treat me like Your precious daughter. Yet, for some reason You’re holding back on me and it feels like a punishment.

Recently, I read a blog post relating to this subject and the only thing I got out of that article was “you’re just not ready.” So I’ve been trying to accept that. I’ve been trying to be content with that answer but apparently, I’m not doing a very good job. And to be honest, God, I don’t know what else to do to be ready. I’m trying to follow Your will for my life. I’m trying to be the godly girl you are making me to be. I’m trying to have a good relationship with You. I’m trying. Isn’t that good enough for You?

But a thought just occurred to me. Maybe the reason You’ve been holding out on me has nothing to do with me at all. Maybe he’s the one that’s not ready. I don’t know if “The One” exists or not (people have their own opinions about that subject) but if there is that one person who You know I will marry and spend a chunk of my life with, will you please just confirm that so I can be put out of my misery? And if he’s out there, will you please help me see that I need to be patient and help me help him in the best way that I can (aka through prayer.)

I don’t know why that just clicked with me, God. I don’t know if it’s the Holy Spirit slapping me upside the head or if it’s just me trying to make another excuse for my problems. But like I said, please confirm whether or not this new way of thinking is correct. And if it is, show me/teach me what to do from here.

I know I’m an emotional wreck and the thoughts in this letter probably don’t make any sense. But you know what I mean. You know the tears I’ve cried, the hurt I’ve felt, and the frustrations I’ve dealt with. But as I close this letter out, all I want is for You to take me as I am and use these words of mine to somehow, someway bring Yourself glory. 

[livingtomakeadifference]

1 Year and 8 Months Down: What I've Learned Thus Far With My 5 Year Commitment.

So I've been meaning to do an update for a while now on my 5 year commitment. (If you have no idea what I'm talking about you can click here to read all about it.) But every time I thought of something to write, I just never felt like it was what I needed to publish.

I could go into great detail about what all I've experienced, good and bad, since the beginning of this journey but I think I will just give you a synopsis.

First 6 months - a complete fail.

I became friends with a guy; started to like him; I told him about my feelings; he rejected me; and even though it hurt and it took some time to get over that hurt, I grew a lot in confidence. I started to believe in myself and love who I was even more. I got to the point where I said to myself that if guys don't see something in me, then that is totally their loss, not mine.

After those 6 months, I still struggled with loneliness for a good bit of time. I was around people on a regular basis, but I didn't feel close to anyone anymore. During that time, I finally realized that God was putting me through a season of solitude. What a long, rough season that was. It lasted up until June of 2014, right before I went to Ireland on a 3 week missions trip.

During that season, I basically learned that God was putting me through that experience to help me realize that I can't rely on people anymore to be happy. I needed to find my identity and happiness through Him and Him alone. He was showing me that in order for me to live for Him like I was wanting to, especially if missions was my calling, that my relationship with Him was gonna have to be taken to a whole new level. And in order to do that, I needed to be alone in life to really focus on Him.

It was a rough season that I never want to be put through again, but I totally understand why I needed it and I'm so thankful that I've grown from that experience. I'm still growing and learning from it to this day.

That season was less focused on the boy-girl kind of relationships and more focused on letting go of friendships and family relationships in order to have the Father-Daughter relationship with God that He wanted from me.

I've learned so much about all kinds of relationships over the past year and 8 months.

But the last part of this blog post that I want to focus on is what I've learned personally about what I want as a future dating/spousal relationship. Through the ups and downs of the past 20 months, it has become more and more clear to me what that kind of a relationship should be like if God's hand is really in it.

This is what I've discovered: 

I want a guy to love me for me. I want him to fall in love with who I am as a person - my heart, my personality - not my looks or what I've done in the past or am going to do in the future (mission trips, travel the world, photography, whatever.) I want a guy to see me as me and appreciate all the little things that make up who I am.

I want him to encourage me; to support me in my endeavors; to call me out on things when I get too far ahead of myself or when my mind is way up in the clouds or even when I'm looking down on myself or others; to respect me - my body, my decisions, my opinions; to be a best friend that I can talk to openly and honestly about anything and everything including my struggles; and most importantly I want him to show me Christ.

I want his actions and words to be mirror images of how God sees me and treats me. Is he gonna be perfect? No. Will he mess up and not be like Christ at times? Yes. But that's the beauty of grace. That's the beauty of second chances. That's the beauty of living a life with God. As long as he has a true relationship with God (and I can tell when a person doesn't) and is trying to live for Him and grow to be more and more like Christ every day, he's worth it.

I'm not gonna settle for less than this. This is what I deserve. This is what God wants for me, His precious and loved daughter.

God gave me a glimpse of this, recently, through a male friend of mine. And even though this specific friend might not be the person I will marry someday, it gives me encouragement and hope to know that guys like that do actually exist. They may be rare but they are out there.

Advice:

Girls, don't give up fully on guys but don't settle for less than what you deserve. Good ones still do exist and aren't taken already. But at the same time, don't force things to happen. Don't throw yourself at a guy or try to win him over. Waiting sucks. Trust me, I know. But the right guy will see you, the beautiful human being that you are, when the time is right; when God says the time is right.

Guys, step it up. Please. Coming from a girl's perspective, it sucks that there aren't that many Godly guys out there. It sucks that a lot of you are jerks and hypocritical. Yes, I know that not all of you are like that and there are many good guys out there. But good guys, where are you spiritually? There are tons of girls out there like me who want a guy who can lead them spiritually. A guy who can help them become the woman of God that they are meant to be. A guy who not only provides for a family's needs but also is a true reflection of The Bridegroom himself.

Pursue her. Let her know how much you admire her and how special she is because of how special she is to Him. Don't chicken out. Don't be scared. Be courageous. Take a chance. If you are a true Godly man like she wants, she will admire you back and give you a chance like you deserve. Keep God first in all that you do and see what happens.

I will admit that I've struggled with this 5 year commitment so far. I have done things that I said I wasn't going to do. I've been the disobedient, hard-headed child at times. I've gone to the wrong places looking for love. But I'm not going to say that negatively. I'm not gonna try to make excuses for my actions. All I want to say is that it's all okay. I'm learning. I'm learning that God wired us to desire love and it's okay to want and seek after it. But it's all about where and through whom you seek it. 

Some people say that humans can love other humans unconditionally, but I don't believe that. Yes, we can love someone so extremely much that it might seem like that love is unconditional, but think about it. Compared to how God loves us, our love for one another doesn't even come close in grand scheme of the things. There are countless examples of how we fail at showing love. But God's love is so big and so powerful and so endless that we humans cannot fully wrap our heads around the subject. 

That's the kind of love that I, that we, need to run to. That's the kind of love that we need to seek after. Not just when we feel like we need it or want it, but in every single day of our lives first and for most. And here's the best part... when we seek it, we WILL find it because He is always pursuing us. He is always beckoning for us to come close to Him. He wants to love us. He wants to take care of us. He wants to wrap His loving arms around us and never let go.  

Remember that today. 

Love to you, 

~ Rachel 

8/17/2014

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gc8WNj0Ojek