August of 2010. The month right before I started my senior year in high school. The month that was supposed to be all about enjoying the last few weeks of summer. The month I did not expect my life to change forever.
August of 2010 was the month that I found out that my youth pastor was having an affair. August of 2010 was the month that I found out my parents were divorcing. August of 2010 was the month that began the roughest year of my life to this date.
Now, before I begin to tell my story, I just want to clarify a few things. 1) My story is not about a miraculous healing. 2) My story is not about how God saved me from danger. 3) My story is not very dramatic. 4) My story is simply about my life experiences and how I have come to have such strong faith in my Heavenly Father.
I hope, that since you have read this far, that you will continue to read as I unfold what has helped me become the woman I am today. If you are someone I know personally, I hope that as you read this, you will see a new side of me. If you are someone I have never met, I hope that as you read this, you will feel like you are my friend.
Whoever you are, my hope and prayer is that as you read my story, your life will be impacted for the better in some way, shape, or form.
Let’s Begin With My Childhood:
I grew up in a Christian home. I accept Jesus into my heart when I was a little girl (I have no idea how old I was). My parents were both very active in church which was a very good example for my older brother and me. During his high school years, my brother, who is 6 years older than me, ended up leading worship and being a part of the music ministries for both the youth group and the “big” church, as I called it.
So, I spent the majority of my elementary school years in Christian environments. I learned very early on the things to do and not do in life such as don’t lie & don’t say bad words. But I also learned the basic Bible principles such as God loves you, Jesus died for you on the Cross, the Ten Commandments, and so on… basically the things they teach kids in Sunday school.
I guess you could say I was considered the “good Christian kid.”
Well, then came middle school. If I remember correctly, it was during 6th grade when I began to go to church off and on. I did not want to participate in the youth group or in any more church activities. I just had no desire to go.
Looking back on it now, I realize that the main reason why I didn’t want to go was because my mom had stopped going. I remember my dad trying to convince me to go to youth or go with him on Sunday mornings and I kept saying no. I remember thinking, “Why do I have to go if she’s not going?”
By 7th grade, I had stopped going to church but I was still the “good Christian kid.” I didn’t act up or rebel or do anything crazy. I was just a kid living through the ups and downs of middle school.
Here’s Where the Story Really Begins:
So then I hit 9th grade. Near the beginning of the school year, my best friend at the time was “dating” this guy who invited us to go to his church for a fall festival kind of activity. I went and I loved it. I loved how goofy and fun the people were. I loved seeing people I knew from school there. I loved how I felt included and most importantly, I felt loved.
I started going on a regular basis to the Wednesday night youth group. Then I finally started going on Sunday mornings. I basically fell in love with this church. (Little side note: my best friend and this guy “dated” for maybe 2 weeks. But because of that small relationship and that simple invite, the whole course of my life changed for the better. The lesson here: all it takes is 1 small action to make a huge difference in someone else’s life!)
Moving on… during high school, church became my life. This church was about a mile away from my house so I could walk back and forth if I needed to. I became so active in the church from working in nursery and at the daycare (that’s how I found out I love working with children), to going on mission trips to Guatemala (that’s how I found out I love different cultures and I love missions), to being looked at as a teen youth leader (that was the first time I realized that I had leadership skills).
During this time I also became very close with my youth pastor. *Not to become way too personal, we will be calling him Fred.* Fred, was like a mentor to me. If I was upset about my home life or school or something, he was there for me to talk to. By 11th grade, I had become like his right hand person for the youth. He would always come to me and be like “what if we did this game or this song… how do you think the youth would take it?” I, also, babysat his children A LOT. Because of all of this, Fred and I had the kind of friendship that felt like we were family. I like to say he was too young to be my dad but too old to be my brother.
Now onto that very interesting, life changing month.
Part 1: As you probably have already figured out from what I’ve told you thus far, when the news about Fred having an affair came out, I was majorly affected. I was devastated. I won’t bore you with all the details so here are the highlights of what happened:
1) At first, I wasn’t focused on myself and how the situation affected me. I was more worried about Fred’s kids and especially the youth group. I remember trying to be strong and be there for the youth. They looked up to me, so it was my responsibility to do what I could to help them get through this.
2) Then, as time went on, I remember becoming really sad and then really angry about how Fred’s actions affected my life. I remember talking to some of my church friends and church mentors about how I was feeling. It felt like a very close family member had died. I was grieving so heavily.
3) Finally, one of the hardest things for me to deal with was letting go and accepting. Letting go of Fred. Letting go of the control I had over the youth. Letting go of all that I had known and loved for the past 3 long, awesome years of my life. I had a hard time accepting the new youth pastor. Accepting how he wanting to run the youth group. Accepting that Fred was really out of my life. Accepting this huge change that was occurring.
Part 2: The day I found out about the affair situation at church was the exact same day that I found out for sure that my parents were getting a divorce.
All throughout high school, I had to deal with my parents fighting. I had to deal with how they were treating me because of their fighting. And because of their fighting, I got into fights with the both of them all the time.
If anyone who’s reading this has gone through the process of a family falling apart, you know what it’s like. It doesn’t matter how old or young a child is, when the parents don’t love each other like they should, it has an effect on the child.
That’s when the “rebellious” part of me started to come out. I started to cuss a lot, especially at my parents. I said horrible things to them. I would straight up yell, and scream, and throw things, and disrespect them. People who know me today probably will have a hard time believing this but it’s the truth.
I understand that being “rebellious” is just part of being a teenager. But being that way was not who I really was. That person was not the “real Rachel.” That person did not coincide with the true identity of my heart. So whenever I could, I went to church to get away from my home life.
That’s another reason why church became so relevant to my life. Church was my outlet. Church was where I could be my true self. It was where I was becoming the girl God wanted me to be.
And I did not realize the majority of that until just now when I wrote out this post. Crazy how God works! :)
Part 3: So with all that I was dealing with at home and at church, my school life was majorly affected as well.
I did not want to do any of my school work (I blame part of that on Senioritis as well!) and my sense of caring for school took a big nose dive. Due to all of that, my grades were not looking good and because my grades weren’t looking good, I was stressing out about college. 1) Whether I was even going to get into college, and 2) if did get in, where was I going to go… a community college or a 4 year school.
As I think back, at school my friends and the majority of my teachers had no idea what I was going through. To them, I probably seemed like the “good Christian kid” that laughed all the time. (I was known for my laughing… I could write a whole page about it but I won’t just to save you!). Very few people at church knew what I was dealing with at home. I think only 2 of my close friends saw the “rebellious” side of me. And only church people knew how much of a toll the affair situation had on me.
Looking back, my senior year in high school was a rough one. I was not okay emotionally. At the time, I had so many people tell me that I should have gone to see a therapist. But I kept saying no. I believe that, on some level, I had a form of depression. Physically, I gained a lot of weight. All I could do was eat to help me deal with the depression and everything else I was dealing with and I had no motivation to exercise.
Spiritually, though, I grew so much that year!! I honestly believe that I would not have gotten through my senior year of high school if I didn’t have my faith.
1) I got through that most difficult time in my life because I kept telling myself that God was in control.
2) I kept telling myself that He was going to help us, the church, and myself get through this whole affair situation.
3) There were, at times, when I had major suicidal thoughts. But because of my faith, I knew that it was wrong and I knew that my life had a purpose.
4) My faith is what gave me hope to carry on and not give up.
5) My faith is what kept me laughing at school because even through the mist of life’s storms, I had joy. Joy that only can come from God.
My story is just one example of how God can make good come out of any situation. My story is not dramatic in anyway. My story might not seem like that big of a deal. But to me it is. August of 2010 was when my personal, intimate, love relationship truly started with my Creator.
The Creator of all good things has taken care of me every step of my life. He has comforted me when I needed him the most. He has led me even when I had no clue that he was. He has and is molding me into the person I’m supposed to be without me even realizing it.
If he has done that for me in my past when I wasn’t truly living for Him, I believe he’s done and is doing that for you, too!
Why? You might ask. Why would someone do that? Why do should I believe that? Well, it’s because of a small 4 letter word.
Love is the foundation of Christianity. Love is the reason we can get away from our shame, our guilt, our burdens. Accepting this love is the way we can start fresh. We can be renewed. We can let go of what’s holding us back and we can be set free.
Just like me, you can accept this love by believing that a man named Jesus came to this earth to die in your place. To take the punishment for all the things you have done that are unpleasing to God’s eyes. This love is free. You don’t have to do anything to earn it. All you have to do is open your heart. Confess that you have done wrong. Ask for forgiveness. And believe that Jesus died for you but he lives again, this time inside of you, in your heart.
I have accepted this love and I will never give it up. This love is the only reason I’m alive today to share my story with you. I have been set free of my chains. I have a friend that will be holding my hand through every good and bad time. I have a lover who will never fail or disappoint me. I have a Creator who says that I’m beautiful just the way I am.
When I accepted this love, I let go of being controlling. I let go of being angry at my parents. I changed how I handled future situations. I changed my perspective on how to truly live. I wanted to live a life of love. I wanted to be more like Jesus.
I’m not the same person I used to be. My heart has changed. I have changed.
This is why my faith is so strong. This is why I believe in the God that I do. There’s a part of my life from my junior year in high school that makes this story even more beautiful. It’s about how I questioned my faith, everything that I had believed in, but God’s mighty hand was at work. He didn’t let me walk away from His truth. That’s a whole story for another blog post. I’ll get around to posting that someday soon.
I Will Leave You With This:
I hope that as you read through my story, you have been encouraged in some way. Encouraged to not give up on faith, or encouraged by knowing you’re not alone, or encouraged to turn back to Him, or encouraged to finally take that step of faith and accept Jesus into your life. Whatever it might be, I hope and pray that you will take something from this.
Thank you for taking the time to read through this very long post. My story is my life. My faith is everything to me. I’m so glad I have been able to share this with you and again, thank you for reading it! Remember: His love is more than amazing and it’s right there waiting for you to experience it! <3
Father, please bless this person immensely. Watch over them and help them see your Love in whatever way you have planned! Thank you for all that you have done and all that you are going to do, not just in my life but in the lives of every single person that reads this! In Jesus’ name I pray, Amen.
