#myaow

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reminder i really f*ricking love winry rockbell

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some long gay stuff kinda,,

i got my hat from my dad.

there was a while where i refused to wear it and i felt rather naked without it, and moomin was very confused... i was much younger, probably around 12, and i think moomin was always apprehensive about me going places on my own but especially more so when we were younger and i was not always forthright about my life... anyhow... i tried to go without my hat.

it really just reminded me too much of my father and i didnt like that. it was too weird. anyone who had ever known my father and met me told me i looked rather like him, "you even have his hat! simply an emerald shade, it seems."

yeah well i Dont wanna hear that

not really

but i tried to throw my hat into the river... i wanted to set it on fire while it floated away and i considered leaving my harmonica inside the hat and it took plenty of tries to get the hat to actually float away, but moomin found it and kept it in his room.

i dont think he had ever seen me cry much. it wasnt like me to actually show a lot of emotions to him, although, to be fair, it isnt as though i had willingly done so. he had come to look for me and i had shown moomin plenty of places in the valley that i thought were just spectacular and had to share immediately... that place up by the waterfall, sitting on the rocks. i was trying to fish but i kept talking to myself and kicking things around so nothing was biting anyhow... moomin sat across from me, on the other side of the river, and tried to yell to me but the water was too loud so i got frustrated and jumped into the water to try to swim to him despite the fact he was far too high up

i made a fool of myself and i suppose moomin is the one who caught anything fishing that day, considering the way he fished me out of the water. it was some time in october or november and it was getting cold and i just curled up sitting on the ground sobbing and moomin hugged me while i sputtered nonsense to him about my father and how i was upset and how that hat should just disappear its too big for me anyhow its just another reminder its not something i should hang onto and so on and so forth

and just. pulling at my hair. rubbing my head because i was used to pulling my hat down

moomin whining gently at me and nuzzling at me because he had brought my hat, but set it down so he could climb up on that rock, and all my fishing things were still on the other side of the water... i was so embarrassed and he insisted upon coming with me to get my fishing things

he told me that hat wasnt all i was and its not all my father was either. it was simply a hat, and if moom were to wear a top hat like papa, but a different color, sure it would remind others of papa; but it would still be moomin's. sure people may mix it up, but just because someone says you are something does not mean they are right.

he let me cry on him so much that day djfghlksdhs i was sick the next day from having jumped into the water... i almost didnt leave for winter in time.

we had only just met maybe a year or two prior, i believe, i know i traveled since a young age but it was by such chance that i came to that valley

hm.

he gave me my hat back though, it sure had been worn down some more. moom was happy to see me wearing it again, and i sure felt like myself again... some days i did go without it so i didnt rely on it as much but what can i say? it's pretty useful for many different things.

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i found my good camera....!!!!!! i still want a macro lens, very badly, but let’s see if i use this gat damn thing very much,,,,

it’s 21mp which is.... the same as my phone camera, but, my manual camera lets me adjust so much more....

IDK IM JUST EXCITED i have a lot of memories of dragging steven around to come with me while i take photos and oddly quiet videos to just play back over and over of calming things like plants swaying in the wind and asking him all the places we could go

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klfjg;ksdjs’dflg i went thru.... my hcs tag on an old blog and........... oh boi a lot of them are actually Memories i believe, im gonna reword them and stick a lot of them under the cut but im happy i found these again

a few are not so happy ;;;;; just a warning.... there is, A Whole Lot and it might be text heavy

being a literal suit of armor, any noise would resonate so loudly in a quiet room, and with the ability to stay COMPLETELY still if i were to will it so, i would rather choose quietly sitting by ed’s side than noisily running off with the chance to wake my brother who sleeps ridiculous amounts and is always tired and gets sick frequently, and where would i go anyway? where is there to go when youre 14 and loud no matter how hard you try, you cant sneak around. you have nothing to do, no one to talk to. everyone is asleep, there is nothing for me there

so i chose to shove it down, never say a word, because why be a bigger burden than i already am?

(i did get much better with this into my later years.)

i was SO against randomly being touched, and Very picky with who id allow to touch me, ESP DAYS WHERE I HADNT SLEPT MUCH because staying awake for prolonged periods of times was a source of stress for me bc i had this delusion that if i stayed awake too long, id be stuck awake forever like the armor

when i was stressed, there were so few people id let near me more than sitting across from a table

id also commonly hide my hands from my own view, and get nervous when people reach out to me (due to a recurring nightmares of being pulled back into the gate, so. hands = Bad to See sometimes)

there were absolutely times where i was willing to at least try curling up with someone i trusted, as long as i was the lil spoon for the time being

which killed me because so often, i felt i had to be the protective one, so to allow someone else to take the position of making me feel protected was a big thing for me..... i mean i knew i didnt have to be the protector all the time but nonetheless

KFJJGLKSDJGLK THIS STILL STANDS BUT I HATED PHYSICS BC IT WAS SO ABSTRACT, it was hard for me to comprehend. i loved what i did understand, but everything else, it drove me nuts. i still tried to study on it.

So Many Phrases from a small village, like. expressions. a lot of them i withheld when i realized people who werent from there might not understand them / would think they were weird so i held back from saying them a lot

my confidence in my appearance and in my strength in general after getting my body back really fluctuated and feeling helpless for a long time led to me pushing myself..... recovery was kinda slow for a while because i Really Did push myself too far and it took some yelling from those close to me (stares right at ed & winry, sorry,,,,) to make me realize that i was hurting them by not valuing my health and communicating that i was upset somehow

and we talked things out eventually, even though ed and i really had our own kind of quiet way of understanding one another without needing to say everything in explicit detail

submerging myself past my waist in water did and still does kind of freak me out because i had it ingrained in me that it was Not Safe(tm) to go any further into it bc of the blood seal

ALL THE VOCAL EXERCISES I HAD TO DO, my vocal chords were a WRECK when i got back in my body because i hadnt used them much in so long. my voice would still crack when i was upset, and pretty sharply for quite a while

i would sing a lot to strengthen my voice and it was quite a while before i could yell and when i could yell loudly i would sit outside at night and let my voice echo sometimes until the neighbours would shout back to ask me to stop (very rarely, but hey, still funny despite being a little embarrassing)

pulling pranks on ed and getting punched out of reflex from training all the time............. i think he broke my nose once but from what mei had taught me i was able to stop the bleeding. ed panicked so badly he ran to winry’s first before a doctor but had forgotten she wasn’t in risembool at the time. i tried to assure him it was no big deal but he ushered me off to an older neighbour who used to be a doctor anyways.

i think we rebuilt a house over where our original house was.

I EVENTUALLY TAUGHT MYSELF TO CRY ON COMMAND.... KJFHGLKSJDHGKLJSDGF LISTEN i liked the feeling of crying sometimes and the more i knew how to induce crying, it eventually became easier to make myself stop crying.

i got lonely easily and pretty much Never wanted to admit it... if i felt isolated i tended to isolate myself even More, and i think people around me knew that, on some level.

im so sorry for all the cookbooks i gathered and read but never fucking used I Am So Sorry its not like i was BAD AT COOKING its just that i was always TIRED, i think i might have had mild anemia

I DOODLED A LOT!! WHEN WE WERE IN LIBRARIES! and just in general! when brother’d fall asleep and i had been writing, i would just doodle in the margins. i might have mentioned this before but nonetheless

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FUCK i keep forgetting that long ago i charmed my flamel necklace and i was wondering why i felt fucky and i remembered i didnt put it back on after my shower last night

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though it’s definitely quite odd to realize just what i have in common with some of my ids...........?????????? like... always some kind of plant or article of clothing i can associate with them. 

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idk if this needs tagged? im being kinda sappy again

it kinda drives me nuts that all my memories of just about anything ever in any life involve just. distant sounds and feelings and imagery that i have trouble putting into words but at least i know for certain what my brother’s laugh sounds like because Honestly there were so many bad times where i felt like utter shit and one of the things that carried me through was his dorky smile and his laugh and i would be able to believe things were gonna be alright again. im glad i know well what my friends laughs and smiles sound like and i dont want to forget, i really dont

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tbh i just.... been avoidin this blog bc 1) kin guilt 2) busy lately both doing things and suffering and 3) i remember everything i wish to post here until i actually get on here