#mypublicdiary

[the-sorcerers-diary-blog]

Hate the feeling you get when you know you are fading off the mind of the person you love. Suddenly your life seems meaningless. You wake up one day with nothing to look forward to. No love to get. No love to give. Just mourning. All day and night. That’s what my life has become.

[the-sorcerers-diary-blog]

There is a nice chandelier in my room. Looks pretty strong. Not that high up. Already got my rope. About time I just hang myself up there.

[the-sorcerers-diary-blog]

Fuck this shit. I give up.

[the-sorcerers-diary-blog]

So now it got to the point where the people who cared most don’t care at all anymore. They just dump you like you’re a piece of trash. Talk to you like crap. Treat you like crap. Break your heart. That’s what it has now come to.

[the-sorcerers-diary-blog]

No matter what I do. I'll never be good enough for you. No matter how much I try. I can't never manage to sort things out. Instead of making them better. I make them worse. Like I said. I'm destined for disaster.

[the-sorcerers-diary-blog]

I really need to keep my mouth shut.

[the-sorcerers-diary-blog]

12.1.2013.

My mom said she wants me dead. She said she wants to poison my food so I would die. She said that it will relive her. She says it would make her happy. My dad doesn’t give a shit about me. Whether I live or die. He doesn’t care. But what he does care about is trapping me in this house like a caged animal. There is never peace in this place that is called home. Screaming. Shouting. Fights. Crying. That’s all there is here. If you could hear laughing or see someone smile in this place. It would be a miracle. It feels like someone is always poking a stick through my brain. Waiting for it to explode. For it to just burst. I can’t concentrate. I can’t concentrate on anything. All of this shit is distracting me from life. All I do all day in school is sleeping and skip class. It’s not like I’m going to get any studying done if I go to class in the first place. The one person that I need. The one person that keeps me sane. The one person who is the reason why I’m still alive. I don’t know where that person is. I always seem to fuck everything up. It’s like I’m destined to nothing but disaster. No matter what I do. I can never manage to be happy. Sometimes I feel like it’s me who is ruining my own life. Not anyone else. But it’s me to blame. My mom said she wished I would’ve died when she was giving birth to me. Right now, I wish her wish would’ve come true.

[the-sorcerers-diary-blog]

I try. I try so hard for everything to be okay. I try so hard for us to not fight. I try so hard to be careful about what I say. I try so hard to keep you in my life. But as soon as I make the slightest mistake. You slip away. I try and make you apologize. To make you come back to me. To make you break. But you are stubborn. You never do. In the end, it is always me chasing after you. Asking you back. Begging you to come back to me. Whining. Calling you. Sending you bitchy messages. It reminds me of how I laugh at other people. And you must be laughing at me cuz I'm doing the exact same thing. I don't want to be like them. I don't want to be like this. I don't want this to keep happening to us.