#mysupernaturaltalecollection

[catstiel-and-deano]

Settle down with me

“I’m serious, Cas.”

But no. He can’t be. Dean must be lying or joking. There’s no way that he could mean the words that slipped out of his mouth just seconds ago.

Just no. There’s no way. There has never been one and never will be. It’s a hurtful truth but nevertheless a truth that Cas came to terms with, accepted and learned to live with even if it has hurt and ripped his heart in two pieces of which one of them hasn’t belonged to him since a long long time now. It has been with his best friend since hell and despite the pain, Cas can’t think of a better place for it.

Dean can’t want him in that way. Except that’s exactly what he told him moments before with blushing cheeks, shaking hands and a nervous smile.

So Cas begins to search the only truth he knows but comes out empty-handed. There’s no familiar truth, no hurt, no lie. He only sees Dean, looking with determination into his eyes, staring right into his very core, still smiling, still waiting, almost… yeah almost loving.

Which is scary. And imaginary. It’s everything he wants.

“Cas”, Dean says all of a sudden and closes the distance between them. His eyes are sparkling green oceans, bright and honest, and Cas can’t remember when was the last time he saw his friend this happy.

He looks like a dream coming true, like hope, like paradise and for a split second Cas is afraid it’s one of Lucifer’s hallucinations.

It’s when Dean hesitates to take Cas’ hands, when he’s sure that they saved the world and that Dean saved him and took him home to Sam. His brother’s duplicates of Cas’ dream world were too perfect, too sure in their actions, too sure that Cas feels the same.

This is his Dean in the real world. It’s the real deal who doesn’t believe he’s allowed to touch Cas, who isn’t sure on which page they are and because of that Dean is struggling.

In the end, Dean forces himself to be brave and holds Cas hands, hell, he intertwines their fingers and again Cas is tempted to believe it’s a dream. But there’s still Dean who looks at him like he has hung the stars when all he’s doing is standing there dumbstruck because isn’t it funny that it has always been Cas who has looked at Dean with ache and love and now Dean is the one that looks at him like that? Except… Cas begins to see… what if they have always looked at each other like that but at different times to make sure the other one wouldn’t notice the feelings they were thinking themselves unworthy of?

“I mean it, Cas. I’ve never been more sure of anything in my life than wanting to spend it with you. I know we went through a lot of crap, we had our ups and downs, but in the end, we always end up together and that’s gotta say something, right? So I mean it when I say that I want you in whatever way you want me to want you. I just – Damn, I’m tired of pretending. I just wanna be happy for once.”

Cas keeps on searching for some kind of trap but finds none. Instead, he feels his heart calming down and speeding up at the same time. It’s overwhelming and right. It feels like finally, like crossing the finish line and taking a deep breath.

Cas knows he’s smiling like an idiot because his cheeks begin to hurt.

Dean lets out a breath. The stress leaves visibly his shoulders and he holds on tighter because Cas didn’t push him away, because Dean managed to face the unknown, because they are so close now.

Dean smiles even more brightly than before when Cas squeezes back. Surely, they’re mirroring each other and – could it get anymore sappier than that? – Dean laughs and his eyes begin to water.

Cas knows that Dean isn’t one for crying because of feelings but right now it’s not just feelings, it’s the possibility – no, the certainty that they made it and they are alive and kicking and – most important – they are together.

“I want to be happy, too”, Cas says and weeks ago he would have never dared to confess this – and by no means to Dean - but now the world is save because of his ability to love, to have a heart. He may be broken and bruised but he will make it through because his family - Sam and Dean - loves him.

“So, you gonna move your stuff?”

Cas rolls his eyes at Dean’s question. “I don’t have much stuff except Sam’s laptop and your clothes which aren’t my stuff so - ”

“Yeah, okay, I get it”, Dean interrupts and smiles stupidly and Cas can’t hold his own smile back. “So that’s a yes?”

“Yes, I am happy to settle down with you, Dean”, Cas states and brings their intertwined hands to his lips to kiss them lightly. Dean’s eyes widen in surprise. “I just want to make sure that you know that I want us to settle down as a romantic couple. Can that be arranged?”

“Yeah, guess that can be arranged”, Dean whispers and leans in.

[catstiel-and-deano]

Fairytales

When Dean was a little boy with too big eyes and even bigger dreams he noticed that there were two kinds of love:

One you feel for Mommy, Daddy and Sammy.

The other one was the one Mommy and Daddy felt for each other. It’s the one with kisses on the lips, staring at each other all the time and still hugging each other even after a fight.

However, he was certain that either love involved a happily ever after. At least, that’s what the fairytales Mommy read to him every evening had taught him. There were princes and princesses and friends that got cursed, fought dragons, saved one another and survived it all so they were able to spend the rest of their lives together with their families.

But then, the fire came and the fire took Mommy and the fairytales. Suddenly, the stories about happy endings were gone along with Mommy’s smile. It was then that Dean realized that there were no such things like happy endings - at least, not for everyone.

As he grew up, Dean learned to deal with his destiny by keeping his distance, shoving away any profound feelings and began to focus on making his dad proud. Perhaps that was his happy ending, back then Dean had thought: following the footsteps of John Winchester.

He was wrong – of course he was. But he was too blind to see it. The path John was walking was a dead end plastered with rage, grief and loss. A path Dean wasn’t able to follow any longer even if he tried his damn best.

Then he got Sammy back, his little family, his little everything. Over the years, the both of them figured out their own meaning of family. They learned that family didn’t end with blood but didn’t begin there either. It was a hard lesson to learn. Difficult to understand at first. But life’s often a better teacher than your dad could be.

And Dean, honest to god, was happy. He had made peace with the way he led his life. He thought that the nomadic hunter life would be enough for him. After all, he had dumped his dream of a happily ever after a long time ago and had put plenty of layers of booze and faceless affairs on it.

Again, he was wrong - surprisingly so.

Hell got him and hell had to let him go. But right in that terrifying place the flames of torture and the smell of sulfur down there got bearable after one touch of a foreign creature, a celestial being, so pure and caring. Dean didn’t understand why deserved to be shaved. How could he, as broken and shattered as he was?

But even after being gripped tight, raised from perdition and meeting his savior for the first time, he wasn’t able to understand why this being – this angel – could look at him and still see a bright soul when nobody else – not even Dean himself – were able to.

But then again, maybe it was his subconsciousness that tried to hold his hope down because looking into orbs of blue beauty reminded him of something that used to make is heart beat faster and his fingers twitch nervously. Something like hope, his Mom had read to him before sleeping time. Before his world was shattered into pieces.

He wanted to run away, to hide, to deny everything. But the angel became Castiel, then became Cas and the dumbass wouldn’t leave him. And until this very day, that had never changed.

But Dean had changed. Very much.

He had come a long way. He survived the fire, a few apocalypses, the darkness and went through every dimension other hunters only knew from old books.

Finally and most important he learned that it wasn’t about getting a happy ending. At least not to Dean. It’s more important to live each day to its fullest. Treat every day like every damn second is your happily ever after. You got to do that today, tomorrow, next week, month for month till your last breath. Even if it got though, ‘cause life can be shitty and unfair, know that after every night the sun will rise.

“Claire’s next! Look!”, Cas whispers and nudges him out of his silent daydream.

Despite trying his best not to give in to the cutest, goofiest temptation that was his husband, he intertwines their fingers, brings them up to his lips and breathes a small kiss onto the silver band.

Cas flashes him a bright smile and pecks him on the lips before fixing his gaze to the stage.

Dean also looks up just in time to watch his daughter get her diploma. He gives her a thumbs up followed by a loud whistle. Next to him several clicks and flashes appear.

On the stage, Claire flushes embarrassed. Nonetheless, she waves at them and Cas – like the big sap he is – sheds a tear. Claire’s still red like a tomato but now she’s grinning like the sweetheart she is deep under her rebellious skin.

Next to him Sam is filming the representation, smiling contently, knowing that now he could relive his college years with his niece and discuss shitty canteen food and professors with her.

As Dean is looking over the rows in front of them to Claire on the stage while having is brother and his love next to him, he got a feeling that he is now where his mom wanted him to be and maybe she has something to do with that.

So Dean closes his eyes and sends a quiet Thank you to heaven, where his mom is watching over them, being happy because her boys have created their own fairytale.

[catstiel-and-deano]

True love

„Dean, didn’t I tell you that we will always end up here?”

They are standing in a beautiful garden, roses everywhere, blooming trees. It’s fascinating because despite the fact that the literal devil is standing in the middle of the beautiful scenery whether the plants nor the sun cease losing their beauty.

And it would be even more beautiful if it is not Lucifer that is standing in front of Dean, wearing a white suit, holding a red rose in his hand and is smiling at him.

He’s still wearing Cas and Dean hates that look on him. He hates to look into these blue eyes without them staring back in just the right kind of odd. He hates that Cas’ voice sounds different. He hates that looking at Cas meant facing a blizzard instead of being embraced by a warm summer breeze.

But most of all he hates that he can’t get himself to be disgusted every time he looks at him. The longing is just bigger, the distance a little wider and his breathing gets a bit harder to do. It’s almost like someone has built a wall between him and his home without giving a clue about how to walk back in again. They would have to find a way to crash the wall, destroy it – yank the devil.

Shit – they have to win in order to save Cas. They… they aren’t allowed to lose.

Dean knows, he just knows, it would break him in more ways than one if he loses this fight, loses Cas.

Sometimes, when the nights in the bunker are getting too cold without the familiar tapping of footsteps making its way to the kitchen to make coffee at frigging 3 am or without the quiet breathing of his friend behind the door to his room, he wonders where exactly they went wrong.

Maybe it was Cas’ deal with Crowley or his own dance with him. It could also be Dean throwing him out of the bunker or him agreeing to bear the Mark and unleashing the Darkness. Perhaps it was Cas running off with the tablet and trusting Metatron.

He doesn’t know and he thinks that in the end,  the thing that really matters is that against all odds they’ve found each other again and again and again.

Even if it sounds silly and lovesick, Dean has always been sure that at the end of everything, Cas would return. Of course, he had doubts, he had fears but over all these years someone – and maybe it was God, who knows at that point? – had made sure that they will always have each other.

Even now, with Lucifer staring back at him, he feels that Cas is still in there. Alive. Fighting. Trying to get the upper hand. And he will win eventually. Although Lucifer tries to tell him otherwise, that his angel is dead and that his hope is foolish, he can still feel their bond. He doesn’t intend to tell Lucifer that he can feel it – damnit, that he has been able to feel it since hell.

At first it was just a pull towards something… towards someone.

Back then, he hadn’t known what had happened, what kind of being had pulled him out. But after he met Cas… Castiel at that time… he knew to whom the other end of the bond belonged.

All those years ago, Dean had been a fool. He hadn’t acknowledged their connection, had ignored it. But when he began to care about the angel and the angel became not just an angel but his angel – even if that term was just stuck in his mind – he was thankful for the bond. It was like a reassurance that he wouldn’t lose Cas. That there was a chance that this celestial, powerful being wouldn’t forget an ordinary human man.

Just when he started to feel more than he allowed himself to feel, he hated the bond as it was a constant reminder of how poisonous Dean’s company was. Everyone he loved, everyone he cared for had died. Mom, Dad, Jo, Ellen, Bobby – even Charlie and Kevin.

“No last words, Dean? You disappoint me. Is it because I’m not wearing your brother to prom but your best friend? Has he been right at the end when he said yes to me because he felt expendable, like a tool, unloved? I really thought my brother was wrong. I  took a bath in his memories, looking at you two lovesick fools, making goo goo eyes at each other and not being able to come to terms with your feelings. But apparently – I was wrong. Eventually, for him it was all about one human. For you it was just… well, clearly about everything except him.”

Dean is still looking at Lucifer except he isn’t looking at the devil but looking into the once so warm and lovingly blue orbs. He doesn’t listen to Satan’s words anymore because he knows the truth Lucifer tries to disguise. He just had to show his angel the truth, make him believe that he isn’t expendable. That he is everything Dean needs and loves.

It’s right, that both, he and Cas, had made a lot of mistakes. The biggest one was not talking about their relationship, always assuming there would be a time when they had time to pull their heads out of their asses.

Lucifer takes a step back, flashing him a cocky grin that’s so unlike Cas, Dean almost snorts because of the comedy of it.

“So let’s end this, righteous man.”

Lucifer doesn’t know that he didn’t bring a weapon. He came here unarmed, without any intention to give Lucifer what he wants.

He had discussed it with Sammy back at the bunker, earning angry glares from the other hunters they had gathered to defeat Lucifer and Amara.

At the moment, they don’t have a common top priority. One half of their group is searching for ways to get rid of the darkness while the other half is trying to find a way to kill Lucifer. Problem is, they are searching for a way to destroy Lucifer, bomb him into pieces and that’s not something both, Sam and Dean are even considering. But seeing they are almost out of options here, he gets their desperation to end the devil at least.

Dean gets it, he really does, but that doesn’t mean that Dean is helping them finding a way to make Lucifer explode when it also means Cas’ death.

He can’t lose him. Not again. He can’t live without him. Even if they succeed in killing Amara and Lucifer, what would be the point of living? He knows himself all too well – he would mourn, grieve, drink too much, fuck too much and growing into the kind of man he doesn’t want to be.

What’s the point of living in a world like this? What did become of Cas’ promise to stay by his side for an eternity? If you may have thought that Dean had forgotten this, you are damn wrong. He’s holding on that straw, he wants that and he yearns to tell Cas that he wants everything Cas is willing to offer him.

So he had told Sammy about all of this. And Sam got how he felt. They even talked about Jess’ and Mom’s death. Hell, he hadn’t had a talk like this with anyone since forever. Today is a suicide mission and he was completely honest with his brother about his plan, about the high possibility he may not come back. But Sam believes in him. Believes that his idea of what could break Lucifer’s control is worth a try and he also accepted - after a long night of fighting and worrying - that he wouldn’t succeed with his baby brother being in the line of fire.

“Dean, bring it on. Come on!”

Lucifer laughs and Dean hates it. He crosses the little space between them and sees confusion raising on the devil’s face as there’s no hidden weapon, no rush behind the hunter’s steps, no evil behind his smile.

When Dean kisses him, it feels so wrong because it’s cold and lonely and not Cas. It feels evil and he has to fight not to pull back. Instead, Dean cups the other man’s face and holds it there.

“I love you, Cas”, he murmurs. Quiet and warm.

The lips against his own are still cold. Maybe that’s how kissing an angel feels like – you know with the floating grace and the lack of human body warmth – but it’s also possible that it’s just how it feels when you kiss the devil. Dean hopes, he gets a chance to figure it out.

Lucifer is trying to get away from him but somehow, Dean’s stronger and able to set his arms on Cas’ back, pulling him closer. For a split second Dean opens his eyes and he sees the tumult behind the blue oceans. Is Cas fighting? Is he winning? Damn, he has to win.

Dean still looks at Cas when he presses his lips harder against their counterparts, grabs his arms tighter and let his look grow softer.

“He’s so strong, Dean.”

Dean shivers as he hears Cas talk to him. No doubt, it was his angel. It’s so human and yet so celestial. It’s deep and it’s the voice Dean longs to hear every day and a while longer in heaven.

He leans his forehead against Cas‘ and lightens his grip to cup his face in both of his hands. Cas‘ gaze is still unfocussed, he shivers but when Dean pecks him on the lips he relaxes a bit.

„I know, Cas. But I also know that you are stronger than him.“

Cas shivers when Dean pecks him on the lips the second time. All the while, Dean tries to catch his gaze but fails.

„I need you, Cas. Not as an angel, warrior or weapon. I need to make love to you and I need you to love me back. And for that you have to throw him out, okay? I’m not one for sharing you.“

He watches Cas nodding stiffly. Suddenly his eyes are flashing so bright, Dean has to close his eyes.

„Don’t let me go, Dean.“

Cas is so warm and for a split second Dean is afraid that he  may explode. Nevertheless, Dean embraces him and lets his lips rest on Cas neck. He will be damned, if he lets him go.

„I got you, babe. Always.“

He hears Cas speak words in a foreign language that sounds like Enochian. He watches out of the corner of his eye how he’s pulling an angel blade out of his jacket and he would be scared if he wasn’t so sure that this is Cas he’s holding and not Lucifer. Shortly after, Cas rips letters into his arms, blood painting his flesh red.

He feels Cas trembling and hears him screaming before everything gets quiet. He feels a soft weight keeping him close and after a heartbeat Dean dares to think they may have won.

Suddenly, there’s a loud crash, a deafening scream, so unhuman, so high, that Dean thinks his eardrum is bursting. But the soft weight muffles most of the noise. Dean opens his eyes and sees through a haze how a painfully bright light breaks through Cas eyes and bursts into the sky, lightening it up like a million fireworks.

„Cas?“ he asks and shit – is he crying now? The weight around his body is pressing him impossibly closer and as he looks around them, he sees feathers flying through the air. It’s stunning, beautiful.

„Are you okay, Dean?“

Dean looks up and is greeted with the sight of a pale Cas, of his Cas, his angel, who smiles his askew, beautiful smile.

Before Dean can form any words, they collapse together on the floor. The haze – Cas wings as Dean now notices – is still covering them, shielding them.

Dean knows, he should worry about what happened to Lucifer, whether they had made things worse, but for now he can’t find anything more important than pulling Cas on his lap, shuffling through the feathers to lay his hands on Cas neck and throwing fingers through his black hair.

For one moment, he allows them to be Cas and Dean that are alive and relieved and thankful instead of warriors.

God, he had missed Cas so so much.

„You don’t gotta ask me how I am. I gotta ask it.“ Dean says with mockery annoyance in his voice and again, he’s sobbing. Damnit.

When Cas looks at him – tired, broken but also alive, so damn alive – his voice breaks even more and his next words are just cracks of sentences. Dean even wonders, how Cas can understand them. But hey, it’s Cas – shit it’s really really Cas. He even hears what Dean isn’t saying. „You’re okay?“

Cas nods, wiping away Dean’s tears. „Thank you, Dean, for not giving up on me.“

„I will never give up on you, Cas. Never, you hear me? Even when we fight, you’re it for me, okay? Just don’t – don’t forget that. Never. I will always come for you.“

„I’m sorry that I let Lucifer out of the cage. I thought it would help to save the world. I’m sorry.“

„No - no. I made you feel like you had to let Lucifer in in order to be important to Sammy and me. That’s not on you. It’s on me and Sam and we are sorry. I am sorry. I always thought you knew how important you are to us… but you didn’t and I’m sorry. I love you. And from now on, you will hear it everyday every time you need to hear it. I just… I am sorry that our first kiss had to be like this… that’s fucked up. You deserve better.“

Cas smiles and brings a hand to Dean’s jaw. He still looks exhausted but also happy.

“I think I got the best”, Cas whispers while Dean leans into the touch, knowing that yeah, true love can save the day and sometimes more than just a life.

[catstiel-and-deano]

Hope

When Cas wakes up for the first time he sees nothing but darkness. His first thought was, well, Amara. Maybe she has already won and Cas had just slept in like the useless toy he is nowadays.

No, Cassie, you don’t.

That’s when it hits him like a lightning strike.

He had said yes to Lucifer. To save the brothers. To save his family that never really considered him the same. How naïve. How idiotic. How human.

Sleep, little brother.

And he does. He is too tired. Too weak. Too much Cas. Too less Castiel.

The next time he wakes up, there’s blood on his hands. So much blood. He looks through his own eyes, sees the dead bodies surrounding him, instantly knowing they are angels. His brothers and sisters.

He’s ashamed. He’s hurt.

Make space, brother.

It’s Lucifer again. Maybe he got a little weak from fighting a few dozen of his own kind, destroying them like flies.

Cas is afraid, wants to protest, except he doesn’t because the mighty grace of Lucifer is forcing him down, suppressing his own grace, making it hard to focus.

So Lucifer shoves him back and everything goes dark again.

And for a second, Cas is actually thankful for it. The blood in his vision vanishes.

There’s a loud crack.

By now, Cas can’t tell how much time has passed since he has agreed to let Lucifer in. All he knows is that he can’t breathe, can’t think, can’t stay awake and can’t fight. He has tried – of course – but it seems like Dean has been right all along. He is too broken.

Then there’s another crack and a second later he hears him. Hears Dean. Oh god, don’t hurt him.

“Cas, you gotta fight, buddy! You hear me? Cas!”

He hears Lucifer laughing, hears the sound of a body crashing into something hard – maybe a wall?

I don’t understand why you love him so much.

The darkness is surrounding him again and Cas isn’t able to decide if it’s made of his own demons or if Lucifer is to blame.

I read all your memories. I know your little flaws. You like bees and coffee. You enjoy watching TV and listen to music. You love. You worry. You hurt. You like the color green and the smell of leather. Both remind you of him - the righteous man you pulled from hell. You left a nice mark on him. Accidently forming a bond between you and him. You fell for him. You did everything for him. You got nothing in return. No shelter. No love. Not even a thank you.

His brother is talking to him when he awakes. It’s dark again but Cas notices that something is a little off. The darkness is lighter, he can sense his own grace better, his body doesn’t feel as foreign to him as before. He senses Lucifer’s grace boiling, pulsing more fiercely through his veins.

Lucifer is healing. Did he have a fight? Did he meet Amara? Cas doesn’t know.

I’m not asking you why you choose this life because I know that love doesn’t choose someone. Love just happens. But I’m wondering why you’re staying. Why you don’t leave him and his brother. Why you still care.

Cas just knows that he doesn’t know. But that’s love, right?

When Cas makes his way through the darkness, trying to keep Lucifer at bay who is hissing and snarling, he sees Sam panting heavily and lying on his back a few steps away from him. Dean is standing right in front of him. Unarmed. His bottom lip is bleeding. He has a lot of bruises across his face like he didn’t even tried to defend himself. But that can’t be true, right? Why should he…?

Thanks to Lucifer Dean knows everything now. It’s silly, really silly, that this has been his wake-up call. The point where Cas got uncomfortable and wanted his brother to shut the hell up.

But Lucifer likes to hear himself talk. And he likes to point out all the things he knows will hurt is opponents. So he has told Dean everything Castiel has kept hidden for years. Every single tear he had lost, every longing he had felt, and every scar he took. All because of one human.

“He… he loves me?” is Dean asking. Wonder in his eyes. Ache. Hope. Hurt.

He doesn’t see the change in Castiel’s body. Doesn’t notice that for now Cas has the upper hand.

It takes Sam to point it out. “Dean… Dean, it’s Cas!” he yells from the other side, trying to stand up. But Sam fails. Maybe his leg is broken or Lucifer has attacked him too harshly. Cas doesn’t know. A part of him doesn’t want to know because after all once again he is the one to blame. He shouldn’t have said yes to Lucifer even if he knows now for certain he’s the only one who can get a hold of Amara. He knows Lucifer’s strength. He feels it everyday.

You’re expendable.

“I don’t…”

You’re a baby in a trench coat.

“What-“

You’re broken.

“That’s…”

He feels the darkness coming back and it isn’t so bad and unwelcoming anymore. He knows what Dean is going to say. He gets it. He got it years ago and it’s okay… damn, it’s okay. He forces it to be okay.

And before he could even think or fight it, Lucifer’s grace is back. In an instant, the darkness hits him and he dreams of Dean confessing his love to him.

Little does he know, it isn’t a dream.

Little does Lucifer know, it will become Cas’ aspiration to get his life back.

[catstiel-and-deano]

Translating Dean Winchester

„You know what, Cas? Screw it! You can save your goddamn apology and shove it right back in your ass!” Dean shouted loud enough that Cas probably had to hold his mobile phone a little bit further away from his ear if he wanted to protect his hearing.

Yeah, maybe Dean didn’t have to shout, but on the other hand – he had to. Because, didn’t Cas get it? He had already missed Christmas and now he told Dean that he would most likely spend New Year’s Eve a few hundred miles away in New York City, for god’s sake!

Sure, there were a lot of worse places to watch the old year end and the new one begin. But none of them were like home. Dean always thought that after all they’ve been through – at least after they defeated Amara and worked through their bullshit and even got together like together together as in a couple together (that’s how he explained it months ago to his brother Sam who was just rolling his eyes with an exhausted but kind of relieved Thank god, finally) – Cas would consider the bunker as their home, too.

Dean almost let himself wonder what the bunker to him was nowadays. For Dean, home was always a place where he felt safe and loved. It changed with the time passing.

Their first home was their childhood house with a little garden and a few trees, a white fence and – of course – their mom in it. She filled every corner of the house with her smile and her love for her family. If Dean closed his eyes, he still felt the warmth of her embrace and the happiness her whole appearance was radiating. God he still loved her so much.

Then there was the Impala. His baby. She drove him and Dad and later him and Sammy over hundreds of miles through the good and bad times in their lives. She was there when John had died and every single time he himself or Sammy were hit by a bullet. She protected them from their enemies and provided a place to sleep when motels felt too foreign and they needed the comfort of a familiar family member. That’s exactly what she was – a member of their little family. At times she got broken and Dean got to fix her, but that’s how their family worked, right? He still loved her all the same.

And finally – they’ve found the bunker. An abandoned, huge stronghold the Men of Letters had left behind. Now they could sleep in their own bedrooms, cook in their own kitchen and watch crappy TV in their living room where it was no one’s but their business whether they have a popcorn fight or not. It was a little piece of something Dean never dared to even dream about. With Sammy and Cas living with him and filling the empty space of the bunker with their discussions about ancient culture or animal documentaries they were watching on BBC - damn, he loved his two nerds - the bunker grew warm to Dean and he could see himself spend his life behind the walls of the old building.

And since Cas had moved in his room and he got to wake up next to him in the mornings, it felt a hell of a lot like the first home he had with Sammy. Maybe his mom had felt the same with him, Sammy and Dad. Maybe Dean was almost where he wanted to be. But that almost stings like a bullet near his heart because Cas wouldn’t be there on New Year’s Eve and apparently he overestimated Cas’ feelings towards him.

“Dean-“ Cas tried again but was cut off when once again his temper got the better of Dean.

“No! Now you listen to me, buddy!”

Rationally, Dean knew he couldn’t, no he shouldn’t be blaming Cas and directing his anger towards the former angel when it was his fucking car that broke down the evening he wanted to drive back to Lebanon. Nothing Cas could be blamed for.

The mechanic at the garage where Cas had left his pimp mobile was sure that Cas would be able to drive back a couple of days later. If Dean had fumed about the incompetence of the man and blamed the god’s that he himself had to lay down with a broken leg from a damn vampire hunt when he would easily fix Cas’ car in less than three hours - that was his thing. Back then he had met Cas’ report well – or at least better than he did now.

But now the mechanic apparently wanted Cas for his own and had told him that there was no way his car would be ready until January 3rd.  Cas had even reported that the guy had offered him his couch to crash but Cas had politely declined by explaining that my partner has already booked a hotel room for me, thank you.

What could Dean say? Yes, he was awesome like that. But more than that he wanted Cas to be save, have a nice warm bed and a secure surrounding. So he had booked a room for him near the 5th avenue with a great view over the East River – at least that’s what the ratings on the homepage had told him. Shortly after Cas had checked in, Dean was receiving a ton of photos from his boyfriend. With every single picture, Dean got an I wish you were here followed by tons of emoticons and Dean found himself already forming a plan to surprise Cas with a holiday as soon as there was another occasion to exchange gifts.

Now he had a broken leg, his first Christmas with his boyfriend had been ruined and Cas wouldn’t be on his way back until January 3rd.

He shouldn’t be this upset, at least not towards Cas, but he was nonetheless. He hated this part of him but right now he had to unload his frustration on someone and as Sammy was nowhere to be seen that someone was Cas.

“Your car is broken, I get that. But you know what? There are other means of transportation such as busses and planes. I thought you watched humanity for so long or was that the same lie you told me when you said you want to spend the holidays with Sammy and me?”

“Dean, you’re -”

“What? A bad boyfriend? So are you! You promised me to be back in time. You always promise me things like that but then you leave. Who did order you to go and hunt a ghost in Manhattan?”

Yes, Dean’s playing unfair but he had also every right to do so, right? He’s pissed.

“If I remember correctly, the ghost was killing innocent chiefs and with you not being able to drive or walk fast enough and with Sam going after a Wendigo in Nebraska we had no other options.” Cas stated matter-of-factly.

And of course, he was right. Dean knew that. But that didn’t stop his frustration itching under his skin like a bunch of bugs climbing a tree.

“Not like there’s no chance to make it in time. But I get it if you want to have fun in NY with the hot mechanic. Have fun.”

“Dean-“

But Dean ended the call before their conversation could end up worse than it already has. Sighing, he crashed down on the couch, staring at the phone for a few minutes until there was a cough right next to him. Startled he looked up and was greeted with the worrying face of Sam.

“You’ve acted like a total asshole, Dean.”

“I’m the asshole of the year. I know, Sammy.”

“You want to talk about it, Dean?”

Dean raised an eye brow.

Sure, he got better at the whole talking-about-feelings-stuff since he had to make peace with his twisted feelings and accept his weaknesses and faults in order to defeat the darkness. He had learned that talking wasn’t as bad as he always claimed it to be and that he had to talk about certain things if he didn’t want them to head downwards. But that didn’t mean he liked it. Still, Dean didn’t want to make himself look vulnerable but that’s exactly what happened when he opened himself to talk about his goddamn feelings. And talking about Cas meant talking about feelings. A lot of feelings.

“Dean.” Sam insisted and took a seat next to him on the sofa. “What’s going on with you lately? I thought Cas and you are happy? And now you’re yelling at him for no reason.”

“I got him a present he should open at Christmas’ Eve. Right after we’ve finished dinner and the pie. I had that crazy thought that he wouldn’t have been able to run off with his belly full of food.” Dean recounted and took a look at their Christmas tree that was decorated with ornaments and lights. Under the branches, the little blue gift box was still waiting for Castiel to open it.

“And now you decided to throw it away?” Sam joked and by the breath he was exhaling until his brother shook his head no, Dean was taken aback that Sam had even considered Dean was able to do something like that.

After all he loved Cas. Even when he gave him crap.

“God, Sammy. I hope… You think he’s pissed now? I would be pissed at me. I’m a douchebag.”

“Yes, you are. You were unfair, loud and rejecting. You didn’t even let him finish his damn sentence, Dean! But you’re also Dean and he loves you. Hell, I would be pissed and I think Cas – as much as he loves you – is actually very pissed. So call him and apologize. He’s my friend too, you know. And I don’t wanna stand between an arguing couple which consists of my brother and my best friend.”

“And hopefully soon-to-be brother-in-law. Thanks, Sammy. I will try.”

Dean stood up and caught the baffled look on his baby brother’s face out of the corner of his eye before Sam grinned like the giant sap he was.

Three whiskeys down and none left to drown. Old habits were always hard to get rid off. Even harder when your boyfriend had shut his phone down and all you could do was leaving messages on his mailbox. But Sammy had taken the bottle somewhere further away from Dean and was now reading a book, occasionally glancing towards Dean.

Not even Sam was able to connect Cas.

Shit, Cas hated him.

Or something did happen to his angel.

Damn, why didn’t he pick up his frigging phone? Five hours had already passed. Sammy tried to reason with Dean. Maybe he is just really angry. Or his battery is dead. Or maybe he’s in danger thinking Dean didn’t give a fuck if he got himself killed.

For fuck’s sake. What if he lost Cas, one of the two most important people in his life?

“I love him, Sammy. What if he’s not coming back?” Dean asked after a few more minutes of deafening silence have passed by.

“Cas is fine, Dean. He always comes back.” The smile he received from his brother made his heart a bit lighter but the worry was still there.

“I love you, dumbass.” Dean glared at his still motionless phone with the still dark screen.

“I still prefer the word trusting. Less dumb, less ass. But other than that, I love you too, Dean.”

Startled by the deep voice coming, Dean jumped off the chair, cursed at his now throbbing leg, but still turned around and was looking right into a pair of tired but beautiful blue eyes.

“I- How- You- ”

Cas just smiled and placed his bag on the floor, running a finger through his hair, making it look even more tousled.

“When we talked, I was already in Chicago and had to catch my flight to Lincoln. When I exited the airport I forgot to turn on my phone again since I almost missed my bus home.”

And there it was – the word home pronounced by Cas. Home like living with Sammy and Cas. Being there for each other, no matter what. That’s when it hit Dean that the bunker would no longer feel like home if one of his two nerds weren’t there with him. It was a terrifying truth.

“I called you and you wouldn’t answer your phone.” Dean said and hated how sad and desperate he sounded. “I thought… I - ”

“You will never lose me, Dean.” Cas replied, reading Dean like an open book.

Once upon a time, Dean was afraid of the angel’s ability to read his mind. But as soon as Dean asked the man to stop, he didn’t use his angel mojo to dig in Dean’s brain. But even more terrifying than Cas using his mojo was the fact that Cas didn’t have to use his powers to know what Dean thought. He just knew. He’s always known. However, today Dean was comfortable with it. So he didn’t has to talk to Cas when something was wrong. He sensed it and felt instinctively what to do.

The fact that Dean actually wanted to talk to anyone when he didn’t felt like sharing at all, was just another habit Dean had formed since there was no point in denying anything in front of Cas. A healthy habit, he was proud of.

“I’m so sorry, Cas. I was angry but not because of you. I hated your car, that idiot of mechanic, me cause I broke my damn leg and at the whole world… Sorry, Cas. I understand if you’re pissed and don’t want to talk to me for a while or leave or…”

“You are sorry. I get that and yes, I am pissed.” Cas said and was actually forming quotation marks in the air but he was still offering Dean a gentle smile, “nevertheless I speak your language and I’m very good in translating Dean Winchester into English. So I know that you didn’t mean what you’ve said but for the future: let me finish my goddamn sentences. Alright?”

“Alright.” Dean nodded and sighed happily as Cas made a step towards him kissing him softly.

“You may sit down now.” Cas grinned like the smug bastard he was but a coughing Sam who suddenly stood next to them caught their attention and gave Cas a tight hug.

“Hello Sam.”

“Hey Cas.” Sam smiled mischievously and shit – why did Sam hold Cas’ present in his hand? “I’m very happy for you two, you know that, right? But there’s one thing that would make everything a lot more perfect.”

No, no, no! Now was not the right time! Cas might be home for now but he would leave soon and Dean – shit – Dean wasn’t ready because Cas would say no and the ex-angel hadn’t already eaten so he could just fly off (metaphorically speaking).

“Sammy, no! Don’t you dare!” Dean hissed and tried to reach the blue box, almost making him fall but luckily Cas was there to catch his fall.

“Dean, what’s up? What’s in it?” Cas asked looking confused as hell but not letting go of Dean. Dean stumbled backwards and let himself fall on his chair with Cas’ help. The dark haired man was still holding Dean’s hand.

“Dean, you don’t have to chicken out. Everything will be alright.” Sam insisted and gave Cas his present.

“You don’t know that, Sammy.” Dean said and maybe it was the devastating ring in his words that made Cas dropping to his knees.

“Dean, look at me. If you don’t want it, then I won’t open it. Whatever is in it, it seems to upset you and I do not wish to cause you harm.”

Dean opened his eyes looking into Cas’ blue oceans. He had to trust Cas on this. Maybe Sammy was right. “I wanted to give it to you anyway. Just promise me: when you open it, say something before you storm off.”

Cas nodded and regarded the present with a serious glare. Dean found it almost amusing if there wasn’t the possibility that his boyfriend would run away. But before Dean could picture more horror versions, he watched Cas ripping the paper and felt Sam’s hand on his shoulder.

Then there was silence. Cas just stared into the box. Saying nothing.

“Since none of you two are able to form sentences, it would be an honor to be Dean’s best man and to be your brother-in-law, Cas. So will you - ”

“Of course I will marry your brother.” Cas threw in and Dean just blinked when Cas slipped the simple silver ring on his finger before cupping Dean’s face and kissing him deeply.

“Of course I will marry you, Dean Winchester.”

After all, Cas hadn’t learned decoding Dean Winchester if it were for nothing.

[catstiel-and-deano]

Drunk kiss

The setting sun waved her last goodbye towards Dean who was currently watching another day fade from the hood of his car. Another day went by without them being able to form a plan to defeat the Darkness. And it sucked. It really, really did.

At least – and Dean really thanked whoever had the power to do this – Sammy was out of the cage and he was fine. Well, at least as fine as someone could be who just spent another holiday with Lucifer as his roommate.

Dean eyed the bottle of beer he had brought along with him with a frown as he didn’t really feel like drinking it. So after a while, he decided to let it slide down to the grass where it landed with a quiet sound.

It was not like he had gotten rid of his habit to drink his feelings down with a few sips of alcohol but after the last time he got devastated and was found by one of the few people who always beat themselves up when they watched Dean hurting, he considered that maybe tonight he should leave the beer alone and do such crazy shit as talking. About feelings, you know. With a certain blue-eyed guy.

Once again for the record: Dean was not drunk.

But imagine kissing the guy you’re in love with for years when you’re drunk as hell. No surprise that Cas has ignored him since that incident. Okay, that’s a lie… Dean himself did avoid him at all costs because he was ashamed of his stupid behavior. He was ashamed for letting their first kiss be anything but perfect. And honestly, that moment was the worst one Dean could have picked.

God, how Dean hated himself for it. He was pissed because he made things with his best friend more difficult than they should be at the moment. They didn’t have the time for relationship stuff, for trying to have a happily ever after. For fuck’s sake: the world was ending once again. And Dean was responsible for that. Thus he didn’t deserve some peace, a little break or even a small place where he could be happy. He deserved nothing.

Moreover, Cas deserved the world and not some fucked up hunter who had a drinking problem and self-hating-issues. And for sure he deserved more than a kiss who tasted like Jim and Jack mixed with desperation.

„Dean?“

The eldest Winchester didn’t move as he heard the familiar rough gravel of Cas‘ voice. After a few moments of silence he felt someone making himself comfortable next to him. A shoulder touched his own and one leg was pressed against his.

The hunter felt himself yearning for more closeness. Yeah, Cas might be right next to him but for a long time now Dean has wanted to remove the little distance that was left between them. He yearned for Cas‘ hand in his own, for his breath on his skin, his lips on his own. Without Cas every place felt a lot more lonely and abandoned than with the angel by his side.

„You didn’t open your bottle.“ Cas stated. „I am right when I guess that this has something to do with you avoiding me and with you sitting drunk as fuck on the kitchen floor a few weeks back.“

Dean nodded and ignored the fact what it did to him when Cas used words like fuck. Cuz it did a hell of a lot to him and he hated to be turned on when he really shouldn’t be. At least not now or not ever. Being an angel or not – Cas was too pure, too good for Dean and his sinful, with blood splattered hands.

„You remember what I told you when you had the Mark?“ Cas asked and Dean couldn’t help but tense up at the memory of beating the crap out of his angel. Cas must have felt him getting all uncomfortable because all of a sudden Cas was right above him, locking eyes with him and caressing his jaw.

„You told me that – when everyone I loved is long gone – you would be there to watch me murder the world.“

Cas nodded and smiled gently at Dean. „I made my decision a long time ago. I will stay with you as long as you’ll allow it. In every universe and every time line I will be at your side, I think I’ve already proven that. Whatever we may become – demon, god, angel, human - , I will be there for you. A drunken kiss is not going to change that.“

Dean brought a hand to Cas‘ neck and their lips together. Slow and tender. Much better than the sloppy peck he gave him on the kitchen floor. It felt like home and safety. Like peace and freedom. Like heaven and light. Like forgiveness.

But Dean being Dean, he needed to say something, give Cas a chance to back off, to run away, to do anything. He needed to show Cas that there was a way out if he wanted to go. Hesitantly, Dean broke the kiss. Still, their foreheads touched and their hands were lingering on each other’s faces. They’ve been apart for far too long for Dean to deny how much he wanted this, how much he wanted Cas.

„Cas, if you ever want to leave, leave. I don’t wanna drag you down with me. You deserve the world.“

Dean knew he sounded broken, defeated, fearful. But he tried his fucking best to make sure, Cas saw that he didn’t want to persuade the angel into a relationship by playing the broken soul. However, Cas just nodded and looked a lot like the soldier Dean had met seven years ago when he had a mission. Judging by Cas‘ next words, now his mission was to ensure that Dean saw his worth or - at the very least - began to try to see it.

„I know.“ Cas finally said. „That‘s why I chose you.“

Looking at Cas, he decided to believe him for now.

[catstiel-and-deano]

Watching you

Cas stood there. Right there in the corner. Right in front of Dean.

But he wouldn’t recognize him. No, his hunter just had eyes for that pretty brunette.

Curves and breasts and long hair.

Nothing like Castiel. In fact the exact opposite.

Cas had thought that Dean knew he was in love with him. Cas had thought Dean cared for him too. So Cas had thought Dean maybe didn’t reciprocate his feelings but loved him enough to not hurt him like that. Cas thought –

Well, apparently Cad had thought wrong.

The brunette was now leaning heavily against Dean and was laughing and gently touching him and it hurt so much more as Cas watched Dean offering her a smile too.

Cas was right there. How could he… how could he not see him when all Cas saw was Dean?

As the woman gave Dean a peck on the right cheek, Cas downed the rest of his drink and made his way through the crowded room – where they should interview suspects (which obviously still meant taking girls home for Dean) – and did almost forget to give his empty glass back.

Avoiding the place where he watched Dean with that woman, Cas walked back to the bar and was about to leave his glass and get the hell out of this place, when he froze because right there – right in fucking front of him – was Dean looking terrified and relieved at the same time.

Cas was taken aback when Dean almost ran into him in order to embrace him so damn tenderly that Cas was even more confused.

“Don’t… don’t do that ever again, Cas.”

He felt Dean trembling and was that a kiss on top of his head?

“I was watching you the entire time. I thought you left… me.” It was a quiet confession coming out of Dean’s mouth.

Cas smelled whiskey mixed with the tacos Dean had eaten hours ago at the diner where they had left Sam to do some more research for the case. He felt Dean’s anxiety curled up with something Cas rather didn’t hope for.

“Thought you left me for that douchebag who was undressing you with his eyes… Thought you left with him.”

Dean’s hug was becoming tighter with each word that made Cas’ heart beat faster.

He was almost missing out on his own words but when Dean released him to look at him with his so so green eyes, he knew he must have said something. Something important. Something that made Dean look at him like he himself was his everything. Like Dean loved him in that way and not that woman.

“You thought what? You thought I would take that girl home?”

“I couldn’t stand there watching you kiss her. I didn’t even recognize the man you were referring to. I was just… just watching you. I’m sorry, Dean. I don’t want my feelings to get in the way of our work. That’s why I wanted to leave.”

“You were watching me…” Dean repeated and still looked at Cas with that longing gaze he didn’t usually show. “That girl… I was asking here about the last victim. She was his ex-girlfriend. Broke up with him two years ago. Said he was an asshole who didn’t have enough money to make her nice presents and that he was a blender and a poor lover. Honestly, I think they deserved each other as arrogant as both of them seem to be.”

“Then I’m sorry for making the wrong assumptions. I can see now that she’s not meeting your expectations.”

“Oh, don’t go all business on me, man.” Dean huffed a sigh and brought one of his hands towards Cas’ jaw, caressing his skin beneath his stubble and it felt so good. Dean’s other hand was now resting on Cas’ hip and the angel did his very best not to bring his hopes up.

“Of course she was not meeting my expectations, Cas. How is that even possible with you standing right there with your blue eyes, your black suit and your damn sex hair? Do you hear me, Cas?”

Cas blinked. He was confused. “Does that mean what I hope it means?”

Dean took a step closer towards Cas. “That means that it scared the hell out of me when you disappeared. That means that I thought you left with that guy. That means that I always see you. Not any other person. Got that, Cas? I – I was watching you too.”

“Oh.”

“Oh… that’s – that’s, all? I was spilling my guts – “

Cas interrupted him with a sweet kiss. Dean sighed against his lips and Cas smiled in return.

He could get used to that.

“That was - ” Dean wanted to say but there was another quick peck on his lips.

“- quitting the voyeurism?” Cas asked and Dean was wondering whether Cas had just made a joke or was damn serious.

At the end it didn’t matter because that – no, they – where amazing.

“Would you do me the honor of leaving this place with me?” Cas asked, still afraid he might scare Dean away.

But when Dean flashed him one of his brightest smiles and was taking Cas’ hands in his own, leading him through the crowd out of the house, he knew there was no need to be afraid. Not anymore. Not with the love of his live loving him too.

“I’ll always take you home with me.”

[catstiel-and-deano]

Parallels - Or how Sam found himself in a telenovela

“Sammy!”

“What, Dean?”

“Just… Would it be possible for you to be quiet?”

“I was just walking…?”

“Then walk quietly!” Dean hissed and turned his attention back to the laptop screen.

Totally confused, Sam stilled in his steps. Actually, Sam was on his way from the television to the kitchen where he wanted to grab himself an apple. But by passing his older brother his curiosity was awoken and now he had to give in to the need of filling it with information. Approximately, Dean was just watching Asian porn.

As quiet as possible Sam moved to his brother and peeked over his shoulder.

Oh, sure. If Dean wasn’t watching porn or pictures of Cas (what was almost the same for Dean in Sam’s opinion), he was fangirling over Dr. Sexy. How could he forget?

“Sam!” Dean barked once again and paused the video, staring at Sam like he was an intruder and okay, maybe Sam was one but hey – since when was curiosity a crime?

“I’m trying to watch the trailer for the upcoming season… Do you have anything against it?”

“What? No! Do what you can’t leave. I have enough romantic tragedies in reality to watch.” Sam giggled and was just about to head to the kitchen when Dean gripped his forearm and eyed him suspiciously.

“What do you mean, Sammy?” Dean asked carefully like he couldn’t decide if he wanted to hear Sam’s answer or would rather play deaf and ignore every word that would possibly leave his mouth.

But like the little asshole Sam was he had an even better idea than talking to his brother. He would show him!

“Press the play button, Dean.” Sam demanded. Dean, however, just furrowed his brows, clearly not trusting his brother.

So Sam sighed exaggeratedly and went for it. The video continued and immediately Dean’s eyes were glued to the screen.

And yes, of course Sam was right.

He had to observe the main character with his ridiculous cowboy boots – Dr. Sexy like Sam had picked up from Dean – staring at a pretty nurse – Kate if Sam recalled correctly (according to the trailer she was the long-term love interest of Dr. Sexy) – every time the girl would turn away.

In the next sequence said nurse was even flirting with other guys but guess what? She was only flirting when Dr. Sexy was near.

After some fucking scenes of Dr. Sexy and Kate with various people – of course, they didn’t fuck each other; that would just relieve the tension, Sam thought sarcastically – they were again staring at each other, not saying a word, not confessing their feelings. There even was a poor guy – probably a colleague of Kate? – who had to witness the whole staring thing and Sam felt bad for the man even though he knew all too well how he felt.

The video ended with Dr. Sexy and Kate looking at each other from different sides of the hospital floor.

Dean sighed after the video closed. Obviously he hoped that Sam would have forgotten Dean’s question by now.

“Cas is Dr. Sexy and you are Kate.” Sam stated matter-of-factly.

A very speechless, terrified looking and blushing Dean was staring at him. “What the hell are you talking about?”

“You two are always looking at each other like that. Like Dr. Sexy and Kate. Maybe that’s why you keep watching that dumb series. Maybe your subconsciousness is trying to get the message to your brain that you’re in love with Cas. Maybe you already know it but think that he will never reciprocate your feelings and so you’re watching the romance between two fictional characters and dreaming what could be.”

“Or maybe you’re just crazy, Sam.” Dean responded weakly, trying to sound casual but failing miserably.

“No, no, no, Dean. Don’t make this about me! I’m good, just tired of your and Cas’ lovesickness. Cas is your Dr. Sexy and you are Kate.”

“I’ve never heard such a stupid comparison.” Dean huffed after closing his laptop a little bit too harsh.

“That doesn’t make it any less true! I’m right and you know it! How long has it been since you got laid? Since you wanted to get laid?”

“What the fuck, Sammy? We’re not talking about my sex life.” Dean hissed while standing up, trying to stare Sam down.

“Yeah, of course.” Sam replied ironically. “Since when are you so frigging discreet with your sex life?”

“I’m leaving. That’s… you’re childish.” Dean mumbled, pushing his giant of a brother out of the way and walking out of the living room.

“I am childish???” Sam shouted after Dean. “YOU ARE KATE! YOU KNOW IT’S TRUE! YOU ARE KATE!”

Dean had obviously chosen to ignore the screams of his brother when another voice joined Sam’s monologue.

“Would that make me Dr. Sexy, Sam?”

Sam turned his attention to the voice behind him. There was Cas, watching with a frown the trailer of Dr. Sexy he and Dean had just watched moments ago.

And Sam could kiss Cas for his sudden appearance and innocent question as Sam saw out of the corner of his eye how Dean froze in the middle of walking away.

“HA! OTP CANON!” Sam jumped enthusiastically.

(And no – of course Sam didn’t read fanfiction based on the Winchester gospels.)