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So turns out. When addding elements to the fuckasss ternary search treee. I forgot to addd a check if the final character in the given CharSequence actuallly matched the character stored in the node. So if you had tried to addd two diffferent words with the only diffference betweeen them being the very last character, the second one wouldn't be addded at alll. Very annnoying!
this is me venting, welcome to my vent my #myvent never thought i would actually post something on here my self but i just need to throw this out somewhere.
i had a realization, a moment of clarity or whatever. i don't matter to my friends as much as they do to me. i recognized a pattern with how several of my friends treat me, that being that i get thrown to the side the moment someone better shows up.
just to give an example i was in a vc with my friend a few weeks back, we were just talking when suddenly she left, no word no nothing, well what happened as it turns out was that her other friend had joined another vc on a different server that she then immediately joined as well. just like that i did not matter anymore, i had served my purpose.
it kept bugging me, but i pushed it to the side and kept going, as i should, but then something similar happened, but not with her, a different friend. and it made me realize that this keeps happening, a lot.
like i get that everyone around me has people who they prefer to be around over me, but the fact that the moment someone else is available its like i was never there? that really fucking sucks. i feel like i'm the piece of ductape that gets slapped on the damaged pipe until the real fix arrives.
one time a friend of mine suddenly started to hang out with me more than usual, not just that they actually asked me to hang! (no one ever asks me to hang out) at the time i was happy ofc "my friend wants to hang out with me!? yippee!" but looking back… i now know why, they didn't suddenly realize that i'm really cool or awesome or worth their time, they were pissed at their preferred friends and i was really just a backup. and the moment they had the choice again, it was back to the usual. knowing that im not ever asked to hang out, that im seemingly not worth seeking out the presence of hurts already... but knowing that when people do, its not because they wanted me for well... me, but because they wanted something to fill the void, hurts even more.
i try to be consistent, i do my best to show that i care about my friends, and i keep asking them to hang out. but no one cares about me until there is a hole that needs filling. (and i dont mean in the fun way) yes some of my friends care, but at the end of the day if you put any of them in a room full of their friends im not someone they would go to.
i try not to think about that, that im not anyone's #1... or even in a top 5... but realizing how people treat me really makes it hard to not think about. maybe one day though.
youre the only one who makes my day feel worth it. you're the reason I'm still alive. how do you not feel happy my life is in your hands. I'm the only one who have. I will support you from thick and thin. how the fuck do I still come off looking whiny and clingy in our relationship if I don't even show this side of myself to you. I'm constantly masking. I'm showing I'm okay. I let you know I'm suicidal and yet you ignore me. I know you have a life but I'm so lonely. I'm so lonely. and I'm so broken.
if I slit my wrists more and showed you them would you be by my side more. would you regret all the times you ignored me. I would do it. it would show me you cared
thisi snt even your fault either. I'm just so sick. I'm so sick. I need attention all the time otherwise I cry. please I don't want to cry. don't let me die. I know you're sick too. you only talk to me then. I miss you
would all your burdens disappear if I died. would the clingy little piece of shit leave you alone if I died. please just tell me the truth and i would do it. tell me I'm the clingy little piece of shit in your life. please I'm hanging on by a thread. why tell me you love me if you're going to ignore me. why do you hate me
please stop ignoring me
why do you care about all your other friends except for me
