Feb 11- Birthday Feb 12- Hospitalized March 13- Leg Amputated June 5- 3 year relationship Over This is the worst year of my life if I can say... Iv lost a lot of things because of my health besides my left leg... My little family, some friends, and myself... Most days I don't even know which side is up, most days I cry and most days I'm alone.. Which are most days. Friends? People say that my wheel chair is not a big deal, helping you out is nothing but it gets to be. People stop coming around, stop texting or calling, silence... I get mad of course but then again I hate my wheel chair with a passion... More then most I don't even know how to deal with myself. My head takes over, people start talking and I listen and it all turns into murmur and I'm back in my head. Don't really talk about what's going on in my head cause most days I can't figure out the words for it but hatred.. I'm silent most of the time but I want to surround myself people. So I see why my phone is silent but I hate it. I hate my wheel chair. I hate my leg. I hate my body. I hate all of my broken promises. I hate this hollow feeling. I hate being alone. I hate talking. I hate not being independent. I hate that I hate so much... I don't know where I'm going from here. I don't know what to do with myself most day. I wish I was as badass as people tell me I am. Most days I want to lay and watch tv and sleep on and off but I want to be around people and then again I want to be alone cause I don't want to talk.... Does it make sense? Lol fuck no. My head never does. My chest feels like a hollow abyss, my head is a puzzle I can not piece together, and I'm alone... Most days I don't want to be here, most days I have to force myself to even get up to use the rest room. So asking to hang out or to be around people is my cry for help. I can't tell people that though, I don't want pity but sometimes it would help if people actually knew what was going on... With me or in my head. I want to feel normal and I always get the answer " What is normal?" When people say that I want to punch them in the face... literally. Lucky for them I can't reach them most of the time. I want to be me normal. I want to feel like myself again but I can never be the old me again. This year has changed me in more ways then one. The one person who said they would be there for me no matter what broke up with me. Couldn't handle what I was going through and he was military.. so of course in my brain what makes me think anyone else will stay or stay around. My health isn't perfect, lot of doctor visit, hospital visit ( I faint a lot), medication for the rest of my life, I will forever need a seat in the shower, I will forever have a wheel chair for the worst days, somedays I can't get out of bed, I can't go through a whole day without taking a nap. No one wants this life, the pain, the loneliness is the worst especially at night. I hope no one feels this pain
