you were the ultimate prize, the one no one could get. except bucky. but now that he finally has you, it feels like you’re sleeping next to a stranger each night.
words: ~3.9k
warnings: very very quick mention of smut, just sad vibes in general
a/n: i really like dis one ngl lol but i still need to edit :* . been jamming to this song for day but i had to slow it and stuff for copyright, but its still a viiibeee so enjoyyy
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the whole way home, he’s calling you, and the entire time, you’re not picking up. after the fourth or fifth time, when he begins to get fed up, the calls start going straight to voicemail. you’ve shut your phone off.
he sighs and rolls his head back on the velvet covered car seat, rubbing at his neck. he’s tired. his father’s banquet was boring, per usual, and not even on par with the standards of ones he’s seen before. and he fought with you just minutes before the two of you were supposed to leave, forcing him to show up alone. that caught some attention, and if there is anything bucky doesn’t like, it’s attention...
he sat with his friends and his cousins and his friend’s cousins, checking out the new meat arriving into the extravagant garden party in his great aunt’s backyard. there were upwards of fifteen cars parked starting from the driveway until down the street as people poured in, one after the other, some familiar, some old, some young, some with long debt sheets and others large body counts, and bucky and his pals cracked up at scrutinizing the guests. a plump waitress came by and refilled his cup of wine, and he turned to thank her. his best friend and the son of his father’s business partner nudged him on the arm.
“that’s the broad i was talkin’ about from before,” steve said, nodding his head at the backdoor of the house where a new group of girls trickled in. girls in pastel heels and sundresses with sensible handbags. but bucky’s eyes only fell on one girl.
“damn,” he said, leaning back in his chair and noticing that his breath pulled at his lungs a tad harder. “yeah, she really is--”
“you’re lookin’ at the wrong girl, moron,” sam said from bucky’s left. steve pointed not-so-discreetly to the girl right next to the girl bucky had been looking at.
“the brunette,” steve said. “name’s margaret. i know she’s been looking at me, i can tell.”
“who’s that next to her?” bucky asked, his eyes still tracing every part of you. eyes, mouth, hands, hair, legs. his gaze touched each part of you, mesmerized.
“oh...that’s y/n.” steve turned to look at his friend and smiled, sharing a look with sam and shaking his head, the two men laughing. bucky turned to look between them both.
“what?” he asked.
“man, are you that oblivious or just that dumb?” sam shoved his shoulder. “remember that girl reid’s been tryna get with for, what is it--” he looked at steve to confirm, “four months? that’s her. girl’s closed up like an oyster.”
“she’s stuck up?” bucky asked.
“nah, nothing like that,” steve said. “just not interested.”
“maybe she just doesn’t like mafia boys?” sam suggested in her defence.
bucky looked at you as you greeted the hosts, your mouth dancing into a dazzling smile.
“i want her,” he said. steve chuckled.
“figured,” he said.
before he left for the banquet, the two of you were laid up in his king size together as you traced his scratchy jawline.
“i wanna stay here forever,” you said. bucky didn’t reply, just closed his eyes and ran a hand up and down your back slowly. you laid half on top of him, chest to chest, looking up at him with wonder in your eyes. it was something he’d never voice out loud, but every time you stared at him with that kind of love in your eyes, a smug part of him remembered when you’d roll those eyes and walk away as he tried to ask you to a date or the way you’d deadpan when he expressed how much he liked you. it was a long chase. one he’d never put himself through before, and now, he had you. “hey buck...” you began. he opened his eyes and glanced them down at you in acknowledgment.
“do you ever get tired of having to come all the way across town to pick me up?”
“not really,” bucky adjusted his position to put his arm behind his head. “it’s not like i have to drive myself.”
“but, well...i mean, it gets a little irritating to have to pack just a couple of things to come stay at your place for a few days. like, i don’t have all my makeup and clothes and things.”
bucky checked the time on his watch to see how soon the banquet was.
“you still always look good,” he offered.
“you’re missing the point by miles, buck,” you breathed a laugh that he felt from your chest to his. “do you ever think about...about if i lived here? permanently?” bucky’s eyes trailed up to the ceiling.
“what’s wrong with your apartment?” he asked.
“nothing, buck,” you tilted your head to look up at him, trying to gauge his reaction. “just that we’ve been together for seven months. i thought it would be a good step forward. but if you don’t want to, then it’s fine.” you used the hand you hand on his chest to gently push yourself off of him. the hand he had on your waist fell to the bed as you walked off toward your mini suitcase, shuffling through a makeup bag. bucky knew you well enough to know you were just staying distracted, indifferent rather than actually looking for makeup.
“well, i mean, sure, we can step forward and all that, but i don’t see how moving in does that. you’re here most of the time anyway.”
“if i’m here most of the time, it makes sense for me to live here. and i don’t like spending most of my time in a place that doesn’t really feel like my own,” you were mumbling now, looking through the pack of clothes you had brought.
“but it’s not like i feel like your apartment is mine. i’m not taking anything from you, and isn’t it good for us both to have places that can be just for us? why share a place?”
“because that’s what couples do, bucky. just forget i said anything.”
bucky sat up in the bed.
“what, you’re mad now?” he asked, hands resting on the headboard.
“i’m not mad,” you said, not even looking up at him.
“obviously, you are. you’re not looking at me.”
“i’m not mad, buck, because i’m not surprised. i don’t know when it became a part of my routine to have you act like i’m your on-call girlfriend that you don’t actually want to be serious about, but i’m used to it, so how can i be mad?”
“that’s a-level bullshit and you know it,” he replied, the anger already rising in his voice. “you think because i like having my own space that i don’t take you seriously?”
“no, that’s not it. if it was just that, you know i’d never ask you for anything. but bucky...we have not had a change in months. i feel like we’re in the same place we were in a month in dating.”
“isn’t that supposed to be a good thing? the beginning is always the best part before the passion dies and stuff.”
finally, you turned to look at him, something confused and yes, a little hurt, in your eyes.
“i don’t think that. relationships are’t supposed to stay the same, buck, they’re not static. and they’re definitely not supposed to get worse. do you think we’ve lost...what, passion?” you asked.
“no, i don’t,” bucky shrugged, being truthful, but still trying to be nonchalant. “but i don’t think moving in is gonna help us feel a spark or some shit. it’s gonna be, like, a new responsibility that might cause issues.”
“so you’re saying you don’t want to move forward because you don’t wanna deal with the responsibilities?” you asked with raised eyebrows.
“yes,” bucky gestured a hand out. “it complicates things. i’m not trying to be all domestic right now, not at all, actually. we should keep it simple.” he rested his back on the headboard again, thinking you had finally gotten it. instead the last of expression drained from your face and your eyes looked at the carpet. bucky checked his watch again before pushing himself off the bed and stepping in the direction of the walk in closet to find something appropriate to wear.
“you got clothes for tonight, or do you want jordan to drive you home to get ready?” he asked, stretching his back.
“i’m not going,” you murmured, eyes staring dully at your suitcase.
now, as he pulls up to the apartment complex, fixing his cufflinks and running a hand through his hair, he prepares to finish the fight that he suspects he shouldn’t have left prematurely. but there’s no time to ponder over it anymore. he wonders what he has in store, and he wishes desperately you hadn’t brought up moving in. things with you are always good. bucky does love you, and he’s sure you know. it’s just that you’re so restless, always wanting more, and he can’t understand what you think is so wrong about how things are now.
“thanks, jordan,” he tells the driver before leaving the car.
“have a good night mr. barnes,” he replies. bucky makes his way into the lobby and then into the elevator with his hands in pockets. he uses his key card and passcode, then punches in the floor number to his penthouse. the elevator whirs for a a minute until it arrives to his home, opening up to his living room, and there you are. sitting on an arm chair, hands clasped together, lips touching knuckles, your elbows propped on your knees as you stare at the floor, your suitcase beside you.
“y/n...?”
your breathy moans made something devious swell in his chest as he pushed himself further into you. “bucky,” you breathed, gripping the bedsheets. his long, slow, and impossibly deep strokes pushed you nearly to tears, and he knew this. moments like these, or similarly as he sat back on the headboard and watched you bob up and down slowly, head thrown back to watch the ceiling and small hands holding onto his shoulders, his own hand coming to wrap around your prettily exposed throat, that he felt, i have her. the ego boost of a lifetime, if he was being honest. that he had you like this when no one else could, that he was the one that got to watch your breaths streaming in and out as you slept next to him with your hair in your face and your cool and reserved exterior melted away, or that he was the one that watched your figure clad in nothing but a thin sheet as you picked up the room service and sat out on the balcony, legs draped into a comfortable cross as you fed yourself fruit. he stood behind you with an arm wrapped around your waist at the gatherings and dinners, he was with you when no one else believed he could get you. not even you.
“they missed you at the banquet,” bucky begins. you don’t move a muscle. usually, you’re the more vocal one. “i missed you.”
“stop,” you finally say in a quiet voice. bucky pulls his hands out of his pockets, but now not knowing what to do with them, runs them through his hair.
“stop what?” he asks.
“stop trying to be nice.” he furrows his eyebrows.
“you don’t want me to be nice to you?”
“i don’t want you to be be nice to me when you feel like have to because i’m upset about something. i shouldn’t have to be mad or sad for you to act nice,” you say. your voice is somehow both determined and dejected, something bucky’s not used to.
“come on, doll. you’re making it out like i abuse you or something,” he says. “that’s just how i am. everyone knows that. i mean, if i don’t act nice, it’s not because i’m trying not to be. especially with you. you oughta know that.” he takes a few small steps towards you.
“i don’t.” for the first time, you look up at him. your eyes are bloodshot and your face has taken on a reddish hue, surely from crying. bucky is taken aback. recalling what happened before he left, he didn’t think it would get you this worked up.
“you aren’t going?” he asked at the time. “why?” he folded his arms and stared at you through the wall mirror, but you continued to look at your suitcase.
“i’m not up for it.”
“y/n, i promise we’ll talk more about this when we get back, whenever you want, but let’s just put it away for now and go to this thing.”
“and the next time we talk about this...” you asked him, “will you have anything new to say?” your heart pounded in anticipation of his answer, and you knew his obliviousness would lead him to the wrong one.
you snuck a look at him through the mirror as he shrugged and looked to the side, his face blank, per usual.
“well, you know how i feel.”
you nodded slowly, letting out the breath you’d been holding. that does it, then.
“just go without me, bucky.”
and he did.
“what?” bucky laughed. “four kids? why four?”
you giggled and sipped at your smoothie for a long moment before coming up with an answer.
“i just like kids,” you smiled brightly, and it made bucky smile too, because he so often saw you happy in a way that wasn’t controlled, like you were with your families’ associates and the like. it was nice to see you happy with your guard really down. he realized you were vulnerable around him enough for that. the thought made his smile spread. “and i wanna be the kind of mother that...always has stuff going on at the house, you know? i figure that’s easier with more kids. it’ll be stress, but nothing i can’t handle,” you shrugged.
bucky nodded.
“i get that. my dad was like a superhero to me, but i still just never saw him or got to know him as much as i wanted, considering i adored him,” he looked down at his finished burger plate as he said this, ears turning a little pink. he glanced behind him dumbly, since the shop was already empty. it was closing time, but bucky knew the busboy, and the two of you were permitted to stay late.
you bent your head close to the table to try and meet bucky’s eyes. there was an adorable pout on your lips.
“so you wanna be a good dad? take ‘em to sports games, that kinda thing?” you asked in a baby voice, but bucky didn’t feel a hint of mockery in your voice, so he laughed and shrugged.
“yeah, i guess. it’s a nice idea, at least. i don’t know if i could ever really get there.”
you watched him for a moment as he finished off his milkshake before reaching over and placing your hand on top of his.
“i think you can get there,” you said. bucky looked at your hands, then up into your eyes, smiling and biting his lip. it was a nice thought. he wasn’t sure he was the right guy for it, but it was a nice thought in general.
“y/n, do you actually think that i only think of you as...what, a booty call? is that what you think?” bucky asks, and of course there’s that hint of incredulousness in his voice. “we’ve been together for months. we take trips. we meet people together. we...we’re us. what’s wrong with us that you hate so much?”
“that it’s not us, bucky! how can you say that? we can’t be some united front if we’re not even a team at home. i feel like i don’t know you.” you’re standing now, one hand on the handle of your suitcase. “i feel like i don’t know the truth, between the things, the lies that you told me to get me to want you and the person i see now. that’s just the issue. we’ve been together eight months and i feel like i’m sleeping next to a stranger.”
“what’s the issue, doll?” bucky asked, licking his lips in the pleasure of the banter.
“i’m not pursuing anyone at the moment,” you said as politely as possible with a testy eyebrow raised.
“well, that just makes my job easier, don’t it?” he grinned at you. you chuckled and turned back around to serve yourself some of the delicacies. bucky shot a glance to steve and sam, who were snickered a laughed. sam shot him a sarcastic thumbs up. bucky sucked his teeth and turned back around, gently grabbing your elbow.
“okay, okay, for real. can we just--” bucky pointed at the gap in the backyard fence that led to an alleyway between the big houses. you looked between him and the alley, pursed your lips, and put your plate down to follow him.
he tried a new approach. rather than flat-out asking you on a date, he did a thing girls went crazy over: just asked you a little about yourself, feigned interest (it’s not that he was faking exactly; he listened intently, but he really just wanted a date), and he told you a little about himself, his family. being this close to you for so long with no others around, he could admire how pretty you were. he didn’t care about reid or what other goon had tried for you. he knew he could do it.
when you reached the end of the alley, and you expected to go back, bucky leaned against a chainlink fence and continued the conversation, so you leaned on it next to him, not minding the company. the sun was setting behind a tall house so that the blinding orange rays didn’t light up the spot where the two of you stood, but the soft flare of tangerine enveloped you still. bucky watched your lips as you talked about your father’s work. you looked heavenly. he asked again to take you out before he had really comprehended his sentence. he caught himself and tried to play it off, because hardly anyone could make him slip up and talk before thinking.
“it’s just a burger. what, you don’t like burgers?” he smiled, all teeth, and was sure he was melting some of your tough exterior.
“you had to beg me,” you whisper, but somehow, it’s haunting enough to sound like a shout. “you had to have me, even when i didn’t want you. and when you finally managed to get me to come around...when you made me fall for you, you let yourself lose me.”
“no,” he began, shaking his head, trying to resolve it, resolve this.
“yes,” you continued as he attempted an interjection. “yes, buck, because that’s what’s happening. you’re losing me, bucky, do you understand that?”
“why is your bag packed?” he asks with exhaustion and something else, something cold and detached, etched into his face.
“i’m staying with my brother on the east side.”
“the east side?” bucky repeats incredulously. “no.”
“what are you gonna do, buck? are you gonna call up gino and frankie and make them hold me in the apartment? are you gonna stop me?” your eyes are wide and so, so angry that it manages to put a dent in bucky’s withdrawn attitude. the way they bore into him makes him unable to look directly at you for a moment. “just tell me now, if you plan on forcing me to stay, so i can see what kind of man you are. so i can really see the end of it. is there more, buck?”
“i won’t make you stay if you don’t want to, but...” he begins.
“then move,” you say with such enunciation in each word that it sends shivers down bucky’s spine. “let me by.”
“it’s not gonna happen, james barnes,” you told him. you turned to walk back down the alley and back to the party. the sun had set and the sky was a gentle pink and blue that somehow accented your shrinking figure.
“it’s bucky!” he yelled back at you. he heard your chuckle despite the distance, and he knew he had to have you.
“yn, come on. i...” he pauses to consider that the next words to come off his tongue feel a little foreign, “i’m sorry.”
you turn back to look at him again. “you’re always sorry. even when you don’t know you are because your goddamn ego is in the way. i know you, bucky. you’re always sorry. you just only feel it enough when you’ve pushed me to my breaking point, and i can’t sit around and wait for you to wither me away into nothing before you can learn to treat me how i deserve. because you know i deserve better, but you wanted me to be with you anyway. you had to have me.”
you turned back at the opening in the fence to analyze him one more time.
“when am i gonna see you again?” he called out. from the distance, he saw you tip your head up to the dark pastel sky to contemplate.
“mmm...” you looked back at him, a soft expression on your face, “your dreams, maybe?”
“i’m not gonna let you mess my head up anymore. i need to look after myself,” you say in a quiet voice. “i’m tired of your pride coming between me and you. it’s too hard.” you side-stepp bucky, and he lets you. each word hits him in the lungs until he doesn’t have quite enough breath to reply. to rebuttal. to tell you you’re wrong, things aren’t this way. but he can’t do that because he’d be lying. he can’t even dare to think about objecting to what you’re saying, or he worries he might him an all-time low.
you step to elevator, your suitcase in hand, and call for the elevator.
“do you have a ride?” bucky asks, looking at the marble floor. he then decides against it, decides to watch you since he doesn’t know when he’ll see you again. and the next time he sees you, you’ll no longer be his.
“uber,” you say, staring at the wall of the head like you’re trying to burn a hole in it. you turn the same gaze to him, and sticks his nails into his palm. “i wanted this to work because i love you. but i can’t change you, bucky, as much as i want to.”
bucky brought a fist to his chest.
“you’re killing me, doll,” he called to you. he heard your enchanted giggle.
“goodbye...bucky,” you said. his name sounds like a church choir on your lips. he wanted to hear it a million more times.
the elevator arrives, and you turn away again. take a deep breath, because you can’t believe you’re doing this, but also not believing it took you so long. “goodbye, bucky,” you say with resignation. you stepp in, and only half turn around, briefly making eye contact with the man you love.
you looked at him one more time before stepping through the gap in the fence.
the elevator comes to a silent close, breaking the link of eye contact between you and bucky, whose eyes are glossed over.
So, hum, despite my inactivity in recent months, I’ve somehow gotten to 2k followers. Thank you for that. I didn’t think I’d get here considering my utter lack of content and even reblogs lately.
I’m trying to work on it but I have a lot of other things I’m working on right now and then another week’s passed without me posting anything.
ANYWAY, I’ll think about something to do to celebrate the milestone soon!
3 Ships: royjamie, keeley/rebecca, tedbecca, tedtrent...that's more than four but still. TL is one of those rare shows for me where so many ships are 10/10.
First Ship Ever: probably james/lily from h*rry p*tter (boooo) at the ripe old age of 12 lmao...jily was defs the first ship I ever read fic for.
Last Song: Maine by Noah Kahan - that boy has a chokehold on me smh.
Last Movie: Pacific Rim. I'm more of a TV than movie person but Pacific Rim always is 10/10 (royjamie Pacific Rim au when)
Currently Reading: Living and Dying in Brick City - Sampson Davis.
Currently Watching: a plethora of reality and competition shows that are airing rn - Golden Bachelor, Great British Baking Show, Great Canadian Baking Show, and I still need to catch up on Drag Race UK.
Currently Consuming: ate a bagel at lunch. No idea what to do for dinner.
Currently Craving: for my to do list to be checked off ://
Tagging: @momsthetic @howdyrowdypartner @picture-me-in-the-trees @royjamierot if u would like
