#naomirach

[naomirach]

A different look for me, I don't normally wear jeans but felt they worked well with my lace top.

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[naomirach]

Early photos of me

Recently I needed to find some old university documents, whilst searching an old box file I found the earliest photos of the real me. The first one has a strange back story. Going to university, even back in the eighties/nineties, meant ID cards with photos. The most lackadaisical was my student union card: a photo stapled to a piece of card with details filled in by myself (fullname not needed, just initials) which was then stamped. I had the idea that I could take a photo of myself with wig and makeup then swap the photos and so have ID as Naomi. It was easy to get a replacement union card with male photo. So here's my first photo as Naomi.

Complete with staple holes, and the mock stamp I pencilled in (line across my chin). I was 18 in this photo and took a whole roll of 24 pictures (yes film) such that I could get one for my ID. I remember being nervous and stressed going to pick up my pack of photos from the developers but it all went smoothly. Of course I never used my Naomi ID but I loved having it. A few years later I pinned this photo to a cork board I had amongst photos of friends and there it stayed for 5 years for everyone to see. No-one ever mentioned a thing, where the rest of the photos I took that day went I have no idea.

In this second photo I am 21 or 22, it again is just a head shot as I am sitting in a particularly ugly position but I do love my makeup.

My dress had a jersey top with 3/4 length sleeves and a lace skater skirt that came to 10cm above the knee. Being pre-internet most of my shopping took place near to Christmas for clothing and makeup in the hope that all my purchases would be taken gifts. Wigs I bought from fancydress shops and got them around Halloween and it was a few weeks before 31/10 that this photo was taken. I had planned on going to my hall of residence Halloween party as Naomi and this was my test of me and outfit. As with my ID which I didnt use, I didn't go through with it, I do regret that but it clearly wasn't the right time.

[naomirach]

Two photos from today. I finally had time to practice my makeup, after being unwell over Christmas - I have been desperately catching up with my work (the joys of being self-employed: own boss but there's no one else to do the work when you're sick). I decided not to use the industrial strength foundation which is my usual go to and embrace the fact that I am in my fifties and as I term it my face has character (honest they're not lines or creases!) I'm really happy with today's look.

[naomirach]

The Invisible Girl

In the early 80s when I was 8 going on 9 I'd outgrown the comics that I had been reading - basically The Beano (this won't mean much to those of you who aren't UK born). Obviously I couldn't choose a comic that my older brothers had - so that removed Spiderman and The Hulk, not that they were anywhere near making my list.

What I really wanted was a girls' comic, I sadly, had no exposure to these at home. However at primary school every so often there would be one that had been binned, I became quite adept at retrieving these when no-one was watching and hiding them such that I could read them later at home. Then I had to smuggle them back to school to bin them again, as I couldn't do this at home. But just being able to read comics with girl main characters was heaven for me, they were the stories I wished to read, though I don't think I ever managed to follow a story through from start to finish as the stories were spread over at least 4 weeks and I could never find sufficient comics to complete the whole tale, but just one week of the story meant so much to me. Most of the girl's comics that were published at the time I was happy to read but some were my favourites such as 'Bunty' and 'Tammy', never 'Twinkle' as it was way to childish, but my favourite - when I could find it - was 'Misty'. It was a girls' horror comic and I loved it, and then suddenly it merged with 'Tammy' which was fine but I wanted to read both.

In my heart I knew there was no way that I could choose any of these girls' comics, I'd learnt enough at this age to see what were accepted gender norms. So my sights moved to super hero comics, this was the time that the original Wonder Woman TV series was being repeated on British television and occasionally an actual comic would be available at the local newsagents. I was so tempted but I knew that once again choosing it would reveal too much about me.

To my recollection there was only one comic that had a female character, that I could get from my local newsagents and wouldn't, most importantly, reveal that I was a girl (though I desperately needed anyone/everyone in my extended family to realise that I was a girl). So I picked 'The Fantastic Four' simply because of the 'Invisible Girl' as Sue Storm was known at the time. I had for a number of years, when dreaming, always been a girl and now I became the Invisible Girl in them, and this seemed particularly apposite for me then and now.

So now I head towards my fiftieth birthday having been the Invisible Girl for over forty years I hope to be in the future the Visible Woman.

Next weekend my wife and I are off to a meal with a friend, there will be five guests: four cis-women and me - a trans-woman being once again the Invisible Girl. Though I will be dressed as a man, in my heart and mind I will be wearing one of these dresses, with make-up, wig and jewellery and being the woman I really am.

[naomirach]

I've finally had time to take some photos of me wearing a girls date night outfit from last year. I am trying to style this wig in different ways - I'm clearly still learning but am really enjoying playing.

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My Christmas Aged 8

It’s taken me a long time to write this next memory of mine it has been through many versions, rewritten, deleted and finally I have decided to stop agonising over every word and tiny detail.

The Christmas when I was 8 happened in the early eighties.  A normal Christmas day involved my immediate family: parents and my two brothers, and all four grandparents.  It was fairly crowded with all nine of us, but as my parents were both only-children, myself and my brothers were the only grandchildren.  Both grandmothers dressed immaculately most of the time, and Christmas was a time for them to really dress to the nines.  My paternal-grandmother was a petite lady, barely 150cm tall, who had a preference for pencil skirts, with fitted matching jacket often with a thin belt, and always strappy high heels - even into her early seventies.  My maternal-grandmother was a few years older and her fashion sense was 1950s based, dresses with fitted bodice, nipped in waist, and a fullish skirt.  To me both were incredibly elegant, unlike my mum who tended to slacks.

One of the things my brothers and I had to do in early November was write a letter each to our grandparents.  This letter had started out, over a decade before more as a reminder to the grandparents of out interests, what we had been reading, things like that; the letters were born from widely inaccurate presents that led to upset grandchildren and wasted money.  However, by the time of this Christmas the letters had morphed into a list of things we wanted! Dutifully we all wrote our letters, each one twice - that was tedious, no emails or photocopies then.  

This was the year when I also decided to write my alternative list, this one was full of the things I really wanted for Christmas, every single thing was for the real me, the girl I now thought of as Naomi (having found out earlier in the year that my parents would have called me Naomi, if I’d been AFAB).  Everything single item I picked from from the two home-shopping catalogues my mum would get through the post, they were an absolute delight for me - pages and pages of girls clothes and toys, a wonderland just waiting for me.  So I started writing my real list, using a purple biro in my best writing I could muster - I’d been watching closely the writing styles of the girls in my class and had practised the more flowing, curvy style they had as against the boys version, including drawing a circle over i’s and j’s instead of a dot.  Each line had the catalogue name, the page number and letter, then the code, a description of it and if it was an item of clothing the correct size.  I was so thorough.  It ran through underwear: knickers, vests with lace edges, knee-length socks, ribbed tights.  School clothing: skirts, dresses, blouses, jumpers, shoes, gym wear (more skirts).  There were toys, quite a lot of them I recall, we were just entering the pink-blue girl-boy toy division, so there was quite a lot of pink, in my defence everyone else considered me to be a boy so I didn’t have anything at all that was pink!  

The only toys I remember from that first alternate Christmas list was: a Barbie (my dream was once I’d put Barbie in a dress, then my action man was getting the same treatment and was never going to seen out of dresses ever) and a Girl’s World Styling Head (speaks for itself really, I needed to learn to style hair).  Then it was on clothes I’d wear at the weekends - unsurprisingly  more skirts, tops, dresses and shoes.  

But I saved the best for last - my Christmas dress, the dress I would wear all day, the dress that showed who I really was to all my family, the dress that would define me as a daughter, a grand-daughter and a sister.  I imagined myself running round the house in it, jumping up and down, skirts flaring, just being the happiest i had ever been.  It was a total party dress, the type girls wore to the posher birthday parties I’d been invited to, and been so envious of.  It was red and black (still my favourite combination), an abstract pattern on the bodice, a black underskirt with red net possibly tulle over that, it was so beautiful I just needed to have it and wear it, I planned to wear it the entire holiday.  I picked shoes to go with it, strappy and a hint of a heel (I suspect I picked them from the teenager section rather than the child part).  

When it was finished the letter was a work of art, beautiful even handwriting, and so regular - and no-one was going to see it.  I hid it under my bed, I secretly hoped it would be found, and acted upon but was terrified that at the same time.

Anyway it reached Christmas morning and as was usual my middle brother and I went into my parents bedroom to open some small presents, these were meant to keep us occupied for the morning as well as have some useful things for us (for the latter read boring - socks, pants) the former would be little toys, things to make, a book, all contained in a pillow case.  The first thing i opened was a slinky - the thing that works it way down stairs - I remember thinking that’s really useful for a house were later on there would be nine people (4 in their seventies), with only one toilet, yes, upstairs - I could see the chaos.  And then i opened a present, I couldn’t believe my eyes - the pattern was floral, the colours were a bit dull (black and brown) but it was quite clearly a packet of floral patterned knickers!  So many thoughts ran through my head: had my letter been found, though these knickers weren’t on my list that didn’t matter, desperately thought if I had felt other gifts that felt they could be clothing in my pillow case, there had been a box I thought could be shoes.  I felt my dream becoming a reality, finally showing the world the girl I knew I was, most of all wearing that dress, I wondered were it was hanging up.  I was so happy, and then, and then I had to turn the packet over to be confronted by a packet, not of knickers but Y-fronts.  I was destroyed, I rushed out saying I needed the loo, but just needed and excuse to hideaway and cry as my dreams disappeared.

I don’t remember much more of that Christmas, it’s almost as if I had selective amnesia from that point on for a couple of days.  Just writing this has caused sadness to wash over me, remembering how the girl I was then never got to show herself.

I hated wearing those Y-fronts they were a constant reminder of a horrible time.  However, about three months later, one day I decided to put them on backwards, then they were floral knickers with a smooth front and due to the material they made me smooth, I also discovered tucking that day.  Every day after that until they fell apart, when any of the pairs were put out for me, I’d put them on back-to-front and know I had something that showed I was a girl.

I kept writing alternative Christmas letters until I was 18, no-one ever found them and after a few months I would make certain to destroy them.

Now, Christmas is different, I’m getting a skirt from my wife this year, previous years I’ve had satin nightdresses, last year she gave me animal print T-bar heels.  I’m so incredibly lucky to be with her.  I do hope that at some point I will get to be completely Naomi, and have a Christmas where I’m in a party dress and with my family, being as elegant as my grandmothers all those years past.  Perhaps I’ll wear the dress that two years ago started girl date nights, it would be fitting seeing as it is red and black.  

And if you’ve read to the end of this (I know it’s rather long and I trimmed whole paragraphs, so count yourself lucky - it was longer 15 minutes before posting!) I hope you all have a fantastic Christmas and New Year, I know I intend to.

[naomirach]

Latest Girls’ Date Night Outfit

My wife and I had a wonderful girls’ date night at the weekend.  It was so amazing to spend 10 hours dressed, how I should be, with her (even if I wasn’t wearing makeup, my wig or a bra).  I couldn’t decide which photo I preferred so posted all three.  I needed to alter a couple of them as I somehow manged to leave the hanger straps for the top hanging out (both sides! with one over my shoulder for one photo) such a schoolgirl error.  I’m wearing the watch my wife gave me for my birthday, I’m so lucky to be with her.