A Bitch Made a Sandwich
Between this outcry of hurt black (men) nerds blaming black women for pushing them into the arms and beds of non-black women because the Beyonce’s of their grade school years rejected them and this Yale #NappingWhileBlack incident, I have a lot to say this week. But, I am also tired and sad and pms-ing, so instead of taking on the world’s issues at this very moment, I will instead share this recipe for a turkey club sandwich I made earlier that was super tasty and fulfilling for my soul. Okay, so I clearly love sandwiches. Hell, I named my blog that has very little to do with sandwiches about my constant urge for sandwiches. In fact, before I went to bed last night, I promised myself I would make a bacon and cheese sandwich with egg in a basket toast. Clearly, that’s not what I made so that’s a different sandwich for a different day.
One of my favorite sandwiches in the world is a turkey club. I’ve always been a huge of them and they’re one of my favorite sandwiches on days when I want a filling meal, but not a lot of work. In this case, I was heading to work...late as per usual because I was enthralled in a Facebook debate about how blerd men cry about black women not wanting them while simultaneously treating blerd women like trash. After all that trash, I needed something to soothe my soul. You know what never lets you down (well, until the possible heart attack anyway)? Bacon.
I eat turkey bacon. Don’t judge me.Or my toes that I just realized are in this photo.
Since I was running late af and watching the three little dots on Facebook gyrate like a nervous stripper, signaling some hurt man going in on his keyboard to formulate a half-assed rebuttal to my five paragraph essay response, I popped the bacon in the oven while I went to throw some clothes on.
I literally meant throw some clothes. One day I’ll put some effort into my appearance at work...but not any time soon. I don’t need to give the security officers another reason to chat with me in the elevator.
Anywho, after getting myself ready, I returned to the kitchen to check out my bacon. It was flaccid, like the penis of one of my least favorite ex-boyfriends so it needed a few more minutes, which, oddly enough, was also reminiscent my ex.
At that moment, I realized I had no tomatoes. I had this great homemade turkey breast that my grandma made for a dinner the previous weekend and no goddamn tomatoes. But you know what goes with turkey? Cranberry sauce.
I, for some reason, keep crasins in my house. I don’t ever eat crasins. I’m still confused as to who purchased them. Anywho, apparently you can rehydrate them by boiling them in some water. When they were good and looking all cranberry like again, I blended them up with my immersion blender and removed a few tablespoons to mix with some mayo.
Sidebar: stop spreading the myth that black people don’t like mayo. Mayo is fucking delish. It’s egg whites, lemon, oil, vinegar, salt and pepper. That shit is tasty af and you’re a hater if you say otherwise idc idc idc.
Honestly, that was really all the work I had to do. I layered both sides of bread with cranberry mayo (I eventually went back and added some Grey Poupon to one side to add some kick cuz it was a little sweet for my tastes). I layered one side with Swiss cheese, turkey bacon and the turkey breast and the other side with mixed greens. I then smooshed both sides together and cut in half.
It was really good, if I say so myself. I then ate half, laid in my bed for another 20 minutes and went to work. I haven’t cursed anyone out yet today, so I say it did the trick.
Ingredients:
2 slices of bread (I used rye, but I wish I’d had some sourdough) 1/4 cup of dried cranberries 3 tablespoons of mayo, give or take (I only used Hellman’s and prefer the one with olive oil --DO NOT USE MIRACLE WHIP CUZ THAT’S NASTY) Grey Poupon to taste 3 or 4 slices of bacon 1 handful of mixed greens 2 slices of Swiss cheese homemade turkey breast
Directions:
Fry or bake bacon. While bacon is cooking, bring cranberries with just enough water to cover to a boil. When cranberries are rehydrated after about 6-8 minutes, use a food processor or blender to puree. Mix three tablespoons of cranberries with mayo, add more to get a smooth, spreadable consistency. Toast two pieces of toast. Generously spread each piece of toast with cranberry mayo, spread one piece with Grey Poupon. Layer Swiss, bacon and turkey on one piece of bread, and place mixed greens on the other. Smoosh sides together, cut in half and serve.