my heart, my judgment and the future that I have chosen.
☼ 𝒑𝒂𝒊𝒓𝒊𝒏𝒈: Andrew Garfield x Reader, eventual Andrew Garfield x Reader x Florence Pugh
☼ 𝒔𝒖𝒎𝒎𝒂𝒓𝒚: you're with Andrew, and you're insanely happy and in love. but you know that you'd both be more in love and happier if you both had her.
☼ 𝒂/𝒏: thank you for reading!! tagging @natashasera obv <3 the title is lovingly stolen from my animated husband Percival Fredrickstein von Musel Klossowski de Rolo III <3 <3 also slight spoilers for Critical Role C1, C3, and the book What Doesn't Break by Cassandra Khaw.
You'd had your eye on her for a while. How could you not? She was stunning. The way the sunlight lit up her fair skin, the way that tiny little crinkle appeared in the outer corners of her eyes when she smiled, the way her chest rumbled with that deep, electrifying voice that had captured you since the moment she had stepped on screen in front of you in Black Widow. You had noticed her, noticed everything about her, for longer than you had been in her presence, and she captivated you.
And, you were certain she had captivated your boyfriend too. You could see it in the way he smiled when she was near him, the way his eyes light up. It was rather similar to the way he lit up when you were around, but with her, there was something else to it. He seemed more guarded, almost. Like he was hesitant to admit to himself that he was drawn to anyone but you; that anyone else had aroused such happiness and curiosity within him, just like you had.
But, to your own surprise, you didn't feel jealous. Normally, you would have, but this time? All you felt was want. To have her, hold her, and to have her hold you. And knowing your boyfriend felt the same made that feeling inside of you grow every single time your eyes met her green ones, when you smelled that distinct smell of her flowery perfume, when you heard that laugh. You wanted her, you wanted him, you wanted both of them, badly.
The only problem was - you didn't know how to bring it up to him. You didn't know how to approach the love of your life and tell him that you had feelings for his costar, although you had known for a while he had feelings for her too. The idea of him being weirded out or you misreading his feelings for her as anything but friendly made you chicken out every single time you thought you had the courage to do it. So instead, you kept it to yourself. You internalized all those feelings, let them grow inside of you, but not letting them spill out.
Except, even the brightest of stars explode with enough time.
And when it did explode, it spilled out of you in every way it could find. It spilled out of your mouth as you fought to keep your voice steady when talking to her, seeped out of your skin anytime her body touched yours, flowed out of you in the silent tears that came late at night when you were sure Andrew was sleeping.
This night, however, you weren't as sure that Andrew was asleep as you usually were, but you couldn't find it in you to care. You had been scrolling on your phone, an episode from Campaign 3 of Critical Role playing quietly in the background for noise as you fell asleep. Not much had made it through the bubble of unreality you had unwittingly created, but one thing did. A single line, in Marisha's voice.
'The worst thing that could have happened to me already happened.'
To any other person it would have been insignificant. Not important. Just her, as Laudna, discussing the horrible things that Delilah Briarwood had done to her as a young girl. But to you? It wa the catalyst for everything you had been keeping inside exploding outward.
And no, you weren't a Hollow One. You hadn't been killed by Sylas and Delilah Briarwood and then hung on a tree as an effigy of Vex'ahlia Vessar, but you were someone who had always been scared of losing the love of your life, and you had finally found him, but now were worried you were going to lose another, or worse - both of them.
It began to explode out of you, your strongly built walls crumbling with the utterance of 11 simple words. Your phone fell from your hand and hit the bed with a tiny bounce. Your breath hitched, tears springing to your eyes as you, for the first time since these confusing feelings had over taken you, let yourself feel the fear and the want. Let the longing for her wash over you like a tidal wave, while slowly acknowledging the tsunami of fear you felt of Andrew finding out those feelings slowly creeping up behind that wave.
As that tsunami approached, your shoulder shook more, your hands covering your face, trying to keep your voice down, to keep the sobs inside, when suddenly it paused, and slinked backwards into the ocean of your mind when you felt a familiar, strong arm wrap around your waist.
"It's okay." Andrew's voice whispered, the storm of emotions he was battling with clear in the shakiness of his voice. "It's okay. I know." He whispered. His hand lifted slightly as you shifted, rolling over to face him, settling once you looked him in the eyes. "I know, and I feel the same way you do."
Your breath hitched slightly, a tiny firework of hope sparking in your chest. "Y-You do?"
Andrew nodded, a tear slipping down his cheek, chin wobbling, as his eyes roamed over your face, taking in the pain, anguish and want you had been holding in for far too long.
"Yeah. I do. I want her, but I also want you." He explained, pulling you closer. "I want you both in my arms, and in each others. I want to show her the same love and care I get to show to you, and I want her to show you the care and love you deserve; the kind that I can't give you, because I don't know how."
"I love you." You whispered. "I love you so much, and I want to love her too, but what if she doesn't?"
Andrew shrugged, sniffling. "Then we'll have each other. I would rather try, fail and still have you, rather than not try, and let these feelings tear us apart. Because I love you. You are the love of my life, you are my reason for breathing each breath in my lungs, and I know that if I lost you, there would be no oxygen strong enough to inflate them anymore."
You didn't respond, too overwhelmed by the love pouring from Andrew to respond, so you simply nuzzled closer into his warmth, your breaths steadying when you heard the rumble of his chest under your head, his hands on your back.
"So, let's try. Let's talk to her. Tell her how we feel; how much we want her. And who knows, she might even want us back."
a/n: this was not posted by me, it was posted by chris in this dr. my origin story is based on a dream that i had when i was stuck on my backstory. i didn't script that i made this, but i thought it was one of the sweetest things ever, and wanted to include it on the blog. *picture is not mine, it is from pinterest and the closest one i could find to the one he actually used (it actually included all my older siblings and i) tagging @natashasera
chrisevans tagged: avabug, scottevansgram
liked by octaviaspencer, scottevansgram, and 2,379,802 others
chrisevans I know I’m not the most open person in the world when it comes to my family, but I think it’s important that I tell you about the worst thing I’ve done in my entire life.
This right here is my little sister Avalea, Ava for short. She was born February 23rd, 2006, when I was 28 years old. To say that I wasn’t shocked to become a big brother again at almost 30 would be a lie, but it didn’t make me love them any less. She was the most beautiful baby I had ever laid eyes on, and I vowed to protect them with my life.
I didn’t do that. When she was 3, I got the role of Captain America, and the day I started preproduction also marks the day I disappeared from their life completely.
I completely lost touch with her. Even when I was in front of them, I wasn’t present. I wasn’t the brother they needed, more importantly, I wasn’t the brother she deserved. Even during quarantine when I was just down the road, I never made an effort to see them and rationalized it by telling myself it was to keep her and her immune system that isn’t as strong as mine safe.
A week ago, I had just finished filming Ghosted, and was getting ready to fly to Orlando for a family vacation, and see my little sister for the first time in over 2 years. Then, my flight was cancelled. A little annoying, but nothing that my Ma couldn’t solve. It was decided I would ride down with her, Ava and Scott.
I felt instant guilt when I saw her again. They’d grown so much, and I’d missed it. She wasn’t the toddler I’d left behind, they were a teenager. A beautiful 16 year old who barely knew me. No longer was she the sweet little 6 month old that I took to L.A. during preproduction for Silver Surfer, and bought her too many designer clothes and she definitely wouldn’t look at Tigger like he was nuts when we went to Disneyland on that trip.
I knew I’d fucked up big time, but I didn’t know how to fix it. I thought that if I was just myself, everything would be fine, so I did just that.
What I didn’t realize was in my “being myself” I was sending her into sensory overload, and then a meltdown.
One of the most important things I missed in my years without her was that they have ADHD and are possibly autistic. Ma mentioned it to me a few times, but it flew over my head that was preoccupied with everything but my baby sister who needed me. We were in the hotel room in Nashville a few nights ago, and I was trying to make her laugh. I had been messing around with Scott, and decided to poke them to coax out a smile.
It had the opposite effect. They were immediately sent into a meltdown, all because of my absence, ignorance, and attempt to make her happy. Being absent, I’d never seen her meltdowns and shut downs, and I won’t say that it wasn’t a shock when they kicked and pushed Scott away.
Ma came in a moment later and took over, and all I could do to help was hand her their weighted blanket. I felt useless, but what made me feel
like the worst human in the world was when Ma asked her to say thank you to me for the blanket in an attempt to calm her down and get her breathing in check. She shook her head, and said no. When Ma asked her why they said “because he doesn’t like me. He’s never wanted to spend time with me and he probably hates me so why should I say thank you when it won’t mean anything to him?”
I knew instantly I’d messed up beyond repair. I’d made them think I hated them. That I didn’t care, that I didn’t want to spend time with them, when that was far from the truth.
My sweet, sweet, Avabug. I love you more than anything. When I see you, my heart explodes with love for you. You and I used to be best buddies. You were my baby girl. I’m not a dad, I don’t know if I will ever be a dad, but you made me feel like one. I’d never felt such happiness and love before you, and I haven’t experienced it with anyone else but you. I completely failed you sweetheart. I made you feel worthless and unloved. I made you think I hated you, when that was far from the truth. You are my entire world. You always have been. I wish that you could read my mind because if yoj did, you’d be able to see and hear everything. Even when I was absent, I never stopped loving you. I never stopped rooting for you. I was here, separated from you, but waiting for those messages from Ma, Carly, Shanna, and Scott telling me that you won your dance competition. I was on the other side of the world, trying to compose a happy birthday message to you, but failing because I didn’t have the words. Because I didn’t know you. I am so sorry for what I did, my darling. I’ve had so many chances to fix this and I haven’t, and for that I apologize. Just looking at you, sound asleep next to me, while I type this is making me wish I actually was Steve Rogers so I could go back in time and fix the mess I’ve made. I love you, my sweet Avalea. you’re my bubba, my sweetheart, my baby. I’m going to try and fix this, no matter what that takes. I love you, my sweet baby girl. 💙
✰ 𝐬𝐮𝐦𝐦𝐚𝐫𝐲: Tim calls Lucy in the middle of the night, hoping to every god that exists that her number hadn’t changed, and to every angel that she would pick up despite how he had hurt her.
✰ 𝐰𝐚𝐫𝐧𝐢𝐧𝐠𝐬: canon divergence, angst with a happy ending obviously, Chenford. tagging @natashasera. Title is from Begin Again by my mothaaaaa
don’t forget to read and reblog, and i do not give permission for my works to be posted anywhere other than tumblr. thank you.
“Please pick up,” Tim whispered to himself. He sniffed, trying blink back the tears that were gathering in his eyes. He knew he was stupid for doing this, for calling her; if he were her, he wouldn’t pick up the phone, especially after he had done what he did. She had needed him, and he had left her, and he wouldn’t blame her for doing the same to him.
But, whatever gods that he had prayed to before hitting her contact must have heard his prayers, because just as he was about to give up, the ringing stopped, and he heard static for a brief second, before hearing a sound he thought he’d never hear again - Lucy saying his name in her beautiful, melodic voice.
“Tim?” She said quietly, and Tim choked back a sob.
“H-Hi,” he whispered. There was rustling on the other end for a brief moment before Lucy responded.
“What happened?” She asked, her previously neutral tone shifting to concerned.
Tim chuckled quietly. “Why do you assume that something happened?”
“Because you wouldn’t be calling me in the middle of the night if it hadn’t.”
Tim hung his head, sighing. “Y-You’re right.” He suddenly regretted calling her, he didn’t want her to think he’d only called her because he needed something, because that was far from the truth. He did need something, but she was the only one he wanted to call. Everyone else would look at him with pity - which he understood, because how sad is it that him, a nearly 40 year old man was broken up with and humiliated at a party? But still, he knew that if he had called Angela or Genny, they would have pitied him, but Lucy wouldn’t do that. She would feel bad for him, but he knew that she knew (better than anyone) that these things happened, and it was important to move on and not be stuck in the past. “I uhm..” He began, but stopped, unsure how to explain it without sounding like he was in high school.
“Tim?” Lucy asked again, and this time, Tim cleared his throat before speaking.
“I uh - I was at a party, with my girlfriend, and we got into a fight. It was stupid, but it caused her to freak out, and basically start bashing me in front of all of her friends.” He explained.
“Im so sorry Tim,” Lucy said. “Wait, what do you mean by ‘bashing’ you?” She asked, and Tim chuckled sadly.
“Well,” he began. “She thought it was appropriate to bring up everything from my past, more specifically the things I had told her in confidence, like what happened with Isabel and my dad, and things I was ashamed about, like how I treated you.” He confessed.
Lucy sighed on the other end, and the rustling could be heard again. “Tim, I’m so sorry that happened to you, you didn’t deserve that.”
Tim shrugged, even though he knew she couldn’t see it. “Kinda feels like I did, but right now I just want to get away from her and her friends, but I’m stranded. You were the only person I could think of to call who wouldn’t pity me.”
Lucy laughed quietly. “Of course im not going to pity you, I learned my lesson with that when I was your rookie.” Tim laughed in response. “Send me the address, and I’ll come and get you.”
Tim sighed in relief. “Thank you.” He said, and sent her a text with the location of the party.
“Okay,” Lucy said, looking at the address. “It’ll take me about 20 minutes to get to you, but I’m leaving pretty much right now,” she said. “I’ll see you when I get there, okay?”
“Yeah.” Tim replied. “Thank you again.”
“It’s no problem, Tim. I’m glad you called me.”
——
27 minutes later, Tim saw Lucy’s Gray Acura RDX pull into the driveway, and he was finally able to move off of the rock he had been sitting on. He walked over to her car, and opened the passenger door, sliding into the seat, and shut the door behind him. Lucy smiled at him, before reaching out and pausing the music she had been playing.
Tim glanced at the screen, and his brows furrowed when he saw the song “I See The Light.”
“Why are you playing Disney music?”
Lucy pointed behind her, and when Tim tuned his head around, he was shocked to see a car seat facing the back of the back seat, and a mirror on the headrest, allowing him to see the sleeping infant, no more than 6 or 7 months old, in the carseat.
“Tangled is her favourite.” She said, putting the car in reverse, and backing out of the driveway. “And she was not too happy to be taken out of her sleep sack before she was ready.” Lucy said, a smile on her face.
“Im sorry,” Tim apologized immediately. Not only did he wake her up in the middle of the night, he had her wake her sleeping baby up, to come and get him from a party in the middle of nowhere, when he could have just called an Uber.
Lucy shook her head. “Don’t be,” she said, reading his mind. “She was going to wake up soon for a feed anyways, so it’s all good.”
Tim nodded, his head turning back to face the road. “I uh,” he said, glancing down at his hands before speaking. “I didn’t know you were a mom.”
Lucy nodded with a smile. “Yeah, I am.” She said. “I love it more than I thought I would.” She explained. “I mean, I always knew I wanted to be a mom, but the second she entered the world, I knew I’d love it more than anything in this world.”
Tim smiled. “I’m happy for you, I know how much you’d wanted the whole marriage and kids thing.”
Lucy nodded, eyes on the road. “Actually, just the kids. I’m not married.” She said. She looked sideways at Tim briefly, and answered his unasked question. “I’m single.”
“Oh,” Tim responded, unsure what else to say.
“Yeah,” Lucy nodded, glancing back at her baby. “Chris wasn’t too keen on being a father.” She explained, and Tim shook his head.
“What an idi- I mean dummy head.” He said, glancing back at the baby briefly, making Lucy laugh.
“Its okay, you can swear.” She said. “I don’t care, and It helps her development, so swear it up.” She said, making Tim laugh.
“What an idiot.” Tim continued, before shaking his head. “Nope, can’t swear. Feels too weird.”
Lucy laughed, and Tim smiled looking over at her. He had missed that sound more than anything, and he knew it was all his fault that he hadn’t heard it in nearly two years.
“Anyways, Sanford is a dummy head for doing that to you.” Tim continued.
“I know, but it’s not the first time someone has left me when things have gotten hard.” She said, and Tim nodded sadly, knowing that she was referring to him now.
“I know, and I’m-“ Tim began, before Lucy cut him off.
“if you say ‘I’m sorry’ one more time, I’m pulling over and you can walk.”
They both laughed, and Tim opened his mouth once more. “Okay, okay I’m-“ he began, before him and Lucy glanced at each other, and immediately looked away as they both burst into laughter.
Their laughs were cut short by a cry from the backseat. Lucy reached out, tapping the ‘AirPlay’ button on her car display, and bringing up the Tangled soundtrack again.
“I’m sorry, Mae Mae,” Lucy said, looking into her rearview mirror, where she could see the reflection of her daughter. “Look, Mama’s playing your music.” As soon as Mandy Moore’s singing voice began to float from the car speakers, the infant calmed down, and looked out the window.
The car was quiet for a few minutes, and Tim wouldn’t admit it, but he actually enjoyed the Tangled soundtrack. He then decided to break the silence, wanting to know more about what he’d missed in the Lucyverse the past almost two years.
“What’s her name?” He asked, referring to the baby in the backseat.
Lucy swallowed nervously before she responded. “Her name is Maple.”
Tim’s heart pounded in his chest, a wave of gruelling grief, the same wave that had washed over him for months when he left Lucy that had stolen his ability to take care of himself, crashed over him once more.
Maple was the name that they’d chosen together. Tim hadn’t liked it at first, but the more he’d thought about it, the name Maple Bradford definitely had a ring to it. When they’d broken up, he knew he was still going to use the name if he ever had kids, but he didn’t think that she would, especially after he left her the way he did.
“Y-You used the name.” Tim said quietly, and Lucy nodded. She looked over at him, and his heart broke even more when he saw that she had tears in her eyes.
“Yeah,” She admitted. “It was the only name that made sense to me.” She said, and upon seeing Tim’s confused look, she elaborated. “When I was in labor, I was all alone. It was the middle of the night, and I was woken up by the worst pain I had ever felt. I knew I was in labor, and was so scared of giving birth alone that I drove myself to the hospital. Once I got there, I was so scared, and didn’t want to disturb anyone, so I gave birth alone. The entire time, the only person I wanted beside me, I knew I couldn’t call.” She said, sniffling as she spoke.
“Who?” Tim asked, a little afraid of the answer.
“You.” She said, glancing at Tim. “I wanted you by my side. I wanted you to be there, holding my hand, and encouraging me. I wanted it to be you to be her father, not someone who never wanted her in the first place. But I couldn’t call you.”
Tim turned his body to face her. “Luce, I would have absolutely came and been there for you had you called me, you know that right?”
Lucy looked at him, a serious look on her face. “Do I, though?” She asked. “How was I supposed to know if you’d come and support me, after you left me when I needed you the most after I made P2?” She asked, and Tim looked down in shame.
He had done that. She had been struggling with him not being by her side on patrol, and was having separation anxiety and jealousy with him and his new rookie, and he, instead of supporting her and understanding, got mad at her and ended things. Which he immediately regretted, but regretted even more the next day when Grey told him that she had transferred, and hated himself when he went to her apartment, only to find that she was gone.
“You’re right, I’m sorry.” He said. “I hate that I did that to you. I shouldn’t have just given up on you, on us like that. I should have supported and understood you, not walked away. I regret ending things.”
“Well, its in the past now.” Lucy said. And Tim sighed sadly.
“So theres no hope for us, is there?” He asked, and Lucy looked over at him.
“Of course theres hope,” She said, pulling her car into his driveway. “I’ve always had hope that we’d find each other again.” She put the car into park and turned towards him. “I’m glad that you called me.”
“I’m glad you answered.” He said. He then glanced at his front door, then at Maple, before his eyes landed on Lucy.
“Do you want to come in?” He asked, his voice shaking at the implications of what he was asking.
you'll be alright (no one can hurt you now) chapter one
✰ 𝐩𝐚𝐢𝐫𝐢𝐧𝐠: Lucy Chen & Tamara Colins, Tim Bradford & Lucy Chen, background Tim Bradford x Lucy Chen
✰ 𝐬𝐮𝐦𝐦𝐚𝐫𝐲: Lucy finds Tamara, not as a 17 year old, but as a newborn. She immediately takes her in, and vows to give her the childhood and support that she deserves.
✰ 𝐰𝐚𝐫𝐧𝐢𝐧𝐠𝐬: canon divergence, autistic!Tamara, Tim Bradford would do anything for Lucy Chen, mentions of drug overdose, and drug addiction, death (not a main character though dw), Lucy is a hardcore swiftie,
don’t forget to read and reblog, and i do not give permission for my works to be posted anywhere other than tumblr. thank you.
Title is from Safe and Sound by Taylor Swift
Lucy stood on the side walk, hands on her duty belt, and eyes on her current training officer, Scott Wrigley as he asked the woman they had just pulled over to see her licence, registration and proof of insurance. The woman willingly, gave him the documents, and Lucy found her attention wandering away from the woman in the car, and surveying the area they were in.
Lucy, truthfully, was bored. While Tim was hard on her, he was a good, solid cop, that did the job because he wanted to make a difference in the world. Wrigley, while also a good, solid cop, was only there for a pay check. He was there to write tickets for 12 hours a day, get paid, and go home to his children without a scrape on him. And while Lucy respected that, it just wasn’t for her. She wanted to make a difference, and sitting here, taking only the tame calls, was not doing that. She knew she just had to stick it out for a little longer, and Tim would be back, but she was starting to think she was going crazy.
So crazy that she was now having auditory hallucinations. Auditory hallucinations of a baby crying.
They were in the middle of nowhere, which was rare in Los Angeles. All that was here was empty, and long abandoned warehouses. There was no reason for a baby’s cry to be heard around here. Lucy shook her head, trying to get the noise to stop, and focus back on her temporary TO.
“You hear that, Chen?” Wrigley asked, stopping as he was walking back to the car.
“Hear what, sir?” She responded, expecting him to say something dumb like ‘the silence of a calm day,’ or something like that, just to unintentionally rub it in her face that she was bored out of her fucking mind with him.
“The baby crying,” he said, and Lucy stopped. He could hear it too? She thought to herself. If he could hear it too, that meant one of two things. 1) they were both going insane, or 2) the baby’s cry that she was hearing was from an actual baby. And she knew which one was more likely than the other.
“Yes sir, I do.” She said, looking around. “Do you want me to go find where the baby’s cry is coming from?”
Wrigley furrowed his eyebrows. “Why would we do that?” He questioned.
“Isn’t…that why you mentioned it?” She asked, thoroughly confused. “Look where we are. All that is here is empty and abandoned warehouses, why would we be hearing a baby cry here? We should be making sure that everything is okay before we leave.”
Wrigely smirked at her. “Good job, Chen.” He said, and Lucy dug her nails into her palm to stop her from rolling her eyes. He was testing her. “Go check it out while I fill out this paperwork.” She nodded, and headed off in the direction that she heard the cry.
The cry was growing louder as she turned the corner, ending up in an alleyway between two abandoned warehouses, covered in graffiti. She continued to follow the cry as she approached a dumpster. Her stomach was in knots. Surely if it was a parent and their baby, she would have heard the parents voice, right? Surely no one would have left their defenceless and helpless infant to fend for themselves, right?
Wrong.
Lucy walked to the other side of the dumpster, and she gasped, her heart pounding. On the ground, beside the dumpster, was a baby, who couldn’t be older than a few hours old, judging by the umbilical cord still attached, and how the baby, who upon closer inspection was a girl, was haphazardly wiped off and placed in a broken wicker basket.
Next to her, was very obviously her mother. There was a pool of blood covering her upper thighs and the ground underneath her, and used needles spread around the scene, including one still stuck in her upper arm. Lucy grabbed her radio, and pressed down.
“Control, this is 7-Adam-19 requesting an RA and a supervisor at Cromer Lane, in the first alleyway on the left, I have a 10-50, code 3.” Lucy placed her radio back, and crouched down next to the baby, doing her best to comfort the little girl without picking her up, despite how much Lucy wanted to.
“It’s okay, sweet girl,” She whispered, reaching into her duty belt for a pair of gloves. She slid them on her hands, and reached over to the baby’s mother in order to try and see if she could feel a pulse. Her heart broke for the sobbing baby girl when she couldn’t feel one.
She heard sirens in the background, as well as boots hitting the ground, clearly Wrigley running to see what was happening after hearing her call on the radio.
“Oh my god.” He whispered from behind her.
“I need something to wrap the baby in,” She said to Wrigley, and he started to retreat, mumbling something about grabbing an emergency blanket from the shop.
He returned less than a minute later, and Lucy grabbed the package from him, ripping it open. She shook the blanket to get it to unfold, before she wrapped the small infant up, holding her close to her chest, hoping some of her body heat would transfer through the blanket.
The sirens got closer, and Lucy began to see the flashing lights reflected on the brick wall across from her. Wrigley was talking to her, but she wasn’t hearing or processing anything coming out of his mouth. All that she could focus on was the tiny little baby in her arms, who was calmed down, and was just staring up at her, her small brown eyes looking up into Lucy’s.
“It’s gonna be okay,” She whispered. “You’re gonna be okay.” She heard the doors of the ambulance open behind her and paramedics rush to her side. A female paramedic crouched down next to her, and began to ask her questions about the baby and her mother.
“She seems to be okay, physically at least.” Lucy rambled, her eyes not leaving the tiny baby. “She can’t be more than a few hours old.”
The paramedic nodded. “Judging by the shaking, I’m assuming her mother was using her entire pregnancy.” Lucy nodded, swallowing the lump in her throat. She watched carefully as the paramedics cut the umbilical cord, and then continued working on trying to resuscitate her mother, with no success.
They gave her 2 doses of Narcan, did CPR, and tried the AED, but nothing worked. She was gone, and had probably been gone since before Lucy and Wrigley arrived on scene.
“We have to take her to the hospital,” The paramedic beside Lucy stated, standing up. Lucy did the same, as Grey and Wrigely walked up to her.
“I’m coming with,” she stated.
“Boot-“ Wrigley replied, clearly frustrated with how hard headed she was being.
“I’m going.” She stated, firmer. She then turned to Grey, and looked at him for approval. He nodded at her, a smile on his face.
“Go with her, Chen.” He said. “Let us know if theres any updates.”
Lucy smiled. “Yes, sir.” She said, before following the paramedic, and climbing in the back of the ambulance. They were pulling away a few moments later, and were headed to St Stephens.
Lucy was able to stay with the baby until they reached the NICU. She was then told that they needed to do an assessment on the infant, but that someone would come and grab Lucy when she was able to go see her. She sat down in the uncomfortable hospital waiting room chair, and glanced around at the other families in the NICU. She didn’t know any of their stories, but they all had one thing in common; they were here because they wanted their baby to be okay.
And while that tiny little baby wasn’t Lucy’s, Lucy was the one who found her, who called for help, who held her and comforted her when she needed it the most. She had no one at the moment, so there was nowhere else Lucy would rather be than here, supporting this little girl.
“Officer Chen?” A voice said to the right of her. She looked up, and stood up when she saw the doctor.
“Yes?” She said, coming face to face with the nurse in charge of the infant. “Is she going to be okay?”
The nurse smiled. “She is very lucky, officer.” Lucy let out a breath that she didn’t know she was holding at that. “She is very healthy. She does have traces of meth in her blood, but it is a very minuscule amount. It should leave her system within the next 8 to 24 hours.”
Lucy nodded. “Okay. Thats good. I was thinking the worst.”
The nurse nodded. “She is a very lucky little girl. I have contacted DCFS, and they are going to send someone as soon as they can, it appears that they are very backed up at the moment. Is there anything you need from me?”
“Uh,” Lucy stuttered, racking her brain for the protocols to follow in this situation. “No, not right now. I will have to wait for my supervisor or training officer to proceed, but in the meantime, am I able to go sit with her?”
The nurse nodded, and began to turn. “Of course, follow me and I’ll take you to her.” Lucy began to follow the nurse down the hallway. “Actually,” the nurse said. “Would you be up to kangaroo cuddling with her? Being so young, she definitely hasn’t had skin to skin with anyone, and skin to skin is very beneficial to an infant as young as her.”
Lucy found herself nodding immediately. “Of course, whatever she needs.” Lucy trailed after the nurse into the dark and quiet NICU room, glancing at the two other bassinets in the room, each with what she presumed to be family around them, either gazing into the bassinet, or holding their baby. Lucy’s eyes met the bassinet holding the baby she had found, and her heart broke seeing the infants tiny body with wires and tubes coming out of her body, even though she had much less equipment than the other two infants in the room.
“She’s so small,” Lucy whispered, looking into the bassinet.
“She’s actually the biggest baby on the ward at the moment.” The nurse said, pointing to the chair for Lucy to sit in.
“So she was full term then?” Lucy said as she laid her duty belt on the table next to her, and unbuttoning her uniform shirt.
The nurse nodded. “Yes, she was. And perfectly healthy, other than the meth in her system, which is surprising. It seems that her mother did try to abstain from drug use while pregnant, but she most likely slipped up towards the end.”
“Wow.” Lucy said, taking off her white undershirt and laying it on top of her uniform shirt. “That’s not something I see too often.”
“Me either,” The nurse agreed, as she lifted up the infant and tucked her legs up, bringing her over to Lucy. Lucy opened her arms, and let the nurse rest the baby on her chest. Lucy immediately wrapped her arms around the baby, cuddling her as close as she could without hurting her. The nurse then laid a light pink blanket over the two of them with a smile.
“If you need anything, just press the nurses button, and someone will come and check on you. And I will come and get you as soon as DCFS or your superiors show up.”
Lucy nodded, her eyes not leaving the baby. “Thank you.” The nurse nodded, and headed out of the room. Lucy slowly began rocking back and forth in the chair, looking intently at the baby, who was wiggling around, head bobbing up and down on Lucy’s chest as she tried to get comfortable.
Once the baby found a comfortable position, she opened her tiny mouth in a big yawn, and shut her eyes, falling asleep within seconds on Lucy’s warm skin. Lucy chuckled quietly, and began rubbing her hand up and down on her back, letting her get some well deserved sleep.
After a few minutes of silence, there was a crash in the hallway from a cart crashing into a wall, and the baby jolted awake, before bursting into tears. Lucy immediately sat up, and hushed the baby in her arms.
“You’re okay, sweet girl,” she whispered. “I know, that was loud, huh?” The baby hiccuped, and her tears slowly began to stop. Her eyes were open, and Lucy smiled. “It’s okay.” She continued speaking to the infant. “You’re safe with me.” She leant down and pressed a kiss to her forehead.
The baby yawned again, and Lucy smiled at her, cupping the back of her head, rubbing her thumb back and forth against her soft skin.
“I remember tears streaming down your face when I said I’ll never let you go,” Lucy began to sing, her eyes not leaving the baby. “When all those shadows almost killed your light, I remember you said don’t leave me here alone.
“But all that’s dead and gone and passed tonight,” The baby didn’t move, just continued to stare up at Lucy as she sang. “Just close your eyes, the sun is going down. You’ll be alright, no one can hurt you now.”
A lump formed in Lucy’s throat as she gazed down at the infant in her arms. She couldn’t understand how lucky she was that Lucy was near the warehouse when she was. Despite being in Los Angeles, it was still December, and the temperature plummeted at night time, and had she been out there a few more hours, she would have died.
And now, this tiny, defenceless orphan, who’s life only started today, had no one. Had no mother, more than likely no father, and she was about to go into the foster care system if DCFS couldn’t find a next of kin within a few days. And what made it worse, was how Lucy was already dreading putting her down. She didn’t want to put this baby down. She wanted to keep holding this little girl. She wanted to take her home, love her, protect her, and raise her.
She took a deep breath as the baby’s eyes fluttered shut, and fell back into a peaceful sleep. She thought about offering to take her in, at least until DCFS found next of kin for her, if they were able to at all. She could, she was an emergency foster parent, and had been since she turned 20. She had an apartment in a safe part of the city, and made more than enough money to support the two of them.
“You’re gonna be okay,” she said to the baby. “You’re gonna come home with me, and I’m going to keep you safe. I promise.”
✰ 𝐬𝐮𝐦𝐦𝐚𝐫𝐲: Tim thinks Lucy has fully healed from Caleb. He is quickly proven wrong when they start dating.
✰ 𝐰𝐚𝐫𝐧𝐢𝐧𝐠𝐬: Tim Bradford would burn the entire world just to see Lucy Chen smile, trauma, ptsd, takes place around season 5, canon divergence, hints to autistic!Lucy (meltdowns, going nonverbal, stimming, etc), Lucy had seizures after Caleb, Tamara is Chenfords kid, can you tell I have a soft spot for Tamara, Title is from Would’ve Could’ve Should’ve by Taylor Swift, tagging @natashasera
don’t forget to read and reblog, and i do not give permission for my works to be posted anywhere other than tumblr. thank you.
Tim thought that the transition from just friends to in a relationship would be easy for him and Lucy, but he was quickly proven wrong. He also thought that Lucy had healed from what Caleb and Rosalind had done to her, but once again, he was proven wrong. She may have healed enough to continue day to day life in her normal manner, but when it came to their relationship, almost everything triggered her, and it broke Tim’s heart.
The first time Tim had noticed that Lucy was being triggered was when they went on their first date. Lucy had ordered a drink, an old fashioned to be exact. She had taken a sip of it when it arrived at their table, and Tim saw how a line appeared between her two eyebrows.
“Everything okay, Luce?” He asked quietly, prepared to flag down the waitress and have her remake the drink if it wasn’t up to Lucy’s standards. Lucy nodded slightly, but pushed the cup away. As she did so, Tim saw her hand shaking.
“I-It tastes funny.” She whispered so quietly that Tim barely heard her. Tim moved closer to her in the booth.
“It tastes funny?” He asked, and she nodded, tears beginning to form.
“It doesn’t taste normal.” She said, her breathing picking up speed. Tim grasped her chin, guiding her eyes to his, and his stomach dropped when he saw the fear in them, realizing what was going on. Her drink tasted different to her, and it brought back memories to when she was drugged. Tim’s heart broke as she whimpered, tears beginning to spill over and roll down her cheeks, her breath speeding up.
“Luce, baby,” He whispered. “You’re safe. I know that what you’re feeling feels really real right now, but it’s not. You’re here with me, Tim, and you’re safe.” He said, still holding her face. “Can you nod if you can hear my voice, Goosey?” He said, and Lucy immediately nodded. “Good girl,” he praised, and smiled slightly when he saw her breathing slow slightly.
“Can you tell me something that you can see?” He asked, and her eyes darted around briefly, before settling on Tim.
“Y-You,” She stuttered, and Tim smiled.
“You can see me?” He inquired, and she nodded. “Good girl.”
He continued to quiz her on her surroundings until she was back in the present, and had calmed down. She was still upset, but Tim knew it was more out of embarrassment than anything. She had wrapped both her arms around his left one, and was resting her head on his shoulder, looking down at her lap.
“How are you feeling?” He asked, and pressed a kiss to the top of her head. Lucy didn’t respond with words, instead she grunted slightly, and snuggled into his shoulder even more. “Baby,” he whispered, and eased his arm out of her grip, and wrapped it around her shoulders. “How are you feeling?”
Lucy, once again, didn’t respond, and buried her face in his chest. “Okay, okay,” He soothed, helping her get comfortable. “Do you want to eat, or do you want to go home?” He asked and Lucy shakily pointed to her plate, and Tim pulled it over, handing her her fork. Lucy then sat up, and slowly began eating her food. Tim went back to his own food once he was sure she was okay, but he kept his hand on her lower back.
—
Tim had also noticed that Lucy seemed to fear arguments and disagreements with him. It was something he had taken note of when she first came back to work after Caleb. She was quiet, only talking when he spoke to her, and then if they got in as much as the slightest disagreement, she would shut it down and just agree with him, no matter how he knew she felt about the topic. He thought that she was just taking time to readjust to their relationship being strictly Rookie-TO at work, but he realized as soon as they started dating that she had developed a fear of men, and a fear of upsetting them.
Tim had asked her what she wanted for dinner, and she had said she didn’t care, and that he could pick. Normally, Tim would be okay with that, but since asking her out, he had been making all the decisions in the relationship, in things that didn’t involve work. He had insisted that she choose, and she refused, and they went back and forth until Lucy completely shut down and stopped talking, which made Tim angry.
And he knows it shouldn’t have made him angry, but he couldn’t help it. He wanted her to be able to eat what she wanted around him, and he didn’t want her to feel like he was controlling her or the relationship in anyway. He knew that she needed to feel in control, and he wanted her to be able to feel that.
“Lucy, just tell me what you want to eat, and I will go and get it!” He said, exasperated, and Lucy shook her head aggressively, and turned away from him. “No,” he said, reaching out for her. “C’mon, talk to me, I just wanna help-“ he stopped talking when he saw her flinch away from him. He then watched through the reflection of the tv the fear that had appeared on her face.
She then whimpered, and then shot up, running to her bedroom, sobs falling from her lips as she went. Tim immediately followed her, instantly feeling shitty about the way he had talked to her. He felt even shittier when he walked into her bedroom and saw her hiding behind the chair in the corner of her room by the window, the soft grey blanket that he bought her her first night in the hospital after Caleb giving away her position, the material peaking out from behind the legs.
“Goosey,” Tim whispered, crouching down close to the chair, but also keeping his distance so that she didn’t feel trapped. “I’m sorry,” he started. “I shouldn’t have spoken like that. I didn’t mean to scare you. If you don’t feel like you can choose what to eat right now, that’s okay. I can choose for us.”
He paused, and waited to hear if Lucy would respond at all. After a moment, he heard her voice say something, but he couldn’t make out what she said.
“Can you repeat that, Luce? I didn’t hear you.” He said, and Lucy’s voice could be heard again, this time louder.
“Sorry,” she whispered. “Sorry I made you mad.” She continued, and Tim sighed, moving slightly closer.
“Goosey, you didn’t make me mad at all. I just want you to be able to feel in control of your body and your choices, thats why I wanted to know what you wanted to eat. I shouldn’t have pressured you like I did, and I should have listened to your body language.”
“‘m sorry, please don’ hurt me,” she sobbed. “Didn’t mean it, I’ll be good,”
Tim wiped away the tear that ran down his face after he realized that Lucy was having a flashback.
“I want you to listen to me, Lucy.” He said calmly. “You’re here with me, in your bedroom, in your apartment in Los Angeles. Caleb is dead, and you’re safe. He can’t hurt you anymore, I promise.” He soothed, and after a few more moments of silence, he heard a sniffle, followed by a small “okay,” and then some shuffling.
Lucy crawled out from behind the arm chair and looked up at Tim, slightly hiding her face behind her blanket. Tim gently held out his arms, letting her know she can come to him for comfort if thats what she needed. She slowly inched her way over to him, and fell into his arms. He wrapped his arms around her, and hugged her as tight to her body as he knew she liked, and stood up slowly, lifting her in the process.
He let her cry out her emotions as he slowly rocked her back and forth, hoping the motion would help her to regulate her emotions. She eventually calmed down, and she snuggled into his shoulder, sniffling slightly. He rubbed her back as he walked out into the living room, whispering in her ear as he did.
“Do you want me to choose what we eat? Would that make it easier on you?” He asked, and he nodded, taking a mental note of what to do next time she struggles like that. She needed to feel in control, but sometimes she needed him to make decisions for her, and he was okay with that.
—
The thing that triggered Lucy that hurt him the most was the sound of a tattoo gun. Before Caleb, Lucy loved tattoos, and loved getting tattoos. She had often talked to not only him, but to their fellow officers, about tattoo’s that she wanted and was planning on getting. Tim had known that she had been tattoo’d by Caleb, he saw it when he was in the ambulance with her, and they had moved her shirt in order to do an ECG after she had her third consecutive seizure. His heart had clenched seeing the black ink on her rib cage, and in that moment he had hoped that she was asleep when the tattoo had been done.
But of course, God must hate him, so she had been awake. Something he had no clue about until Tamara had asked them both to accompany her to her first ever tattoo appointment, where she was also getting a date, the date that the three of them had stood in front of the judge finalizing Lucy and Tim adopting Tamara.
Lucy said yes immediately, without even thinking. Tim knew why, of course. Tamara had been let down by everyone in her life, and Lucy was determined to never let her down. Tim didn’t think anything of it, and was even thinking of getting his own tattoo, with both Lucy and Tamara’s birthdays.
Everything was fine until Tamara was lying on the table, her arm out for the tattoo artist, prepped and ready for the ink. The tattoo gun began to buzz, and Lucy tensed up beside him.
“Are you okay?” Tim said under his breath to Lucy, resting his hand on her knee, his other hand holding Tamara’s free one.
“Mhm,” She said, eyes locked on the tattoo gun where it was permanently marking up her daughters skin. “Jus’ need to go to the bathroom,” She said, a little louder, and made brief eye contact with Tamara, clearly trying to tell the girl that everything was fine. Tamara nodded, her brows furrowing for a moment, but then relaxing after Lucy left the room.
Tim waited a few minutes, before following her. “I’m just gonna go check on Mom, okay?” He said to Tamara. “I won’t be gone long.” She nodded, and Tim left the room.
He looked towards the lobby, and could see Lucy outside, so he immediately joined her, where he found her near tears, looking up into the sky to preserve her makeup.
“Luce-“ He started to say, but Lucy cut him off.
“I’m fine.” She said, her voice short.
Tim shook his head. “No, you’re not.” He said, and grabbed her hand. “You’re not, and that’s okay.”
Lucy shook her head, and ripped her hand out of Tim’s grip. “No, its not, Tim!” She said, running her hands through her curls. “Because this is just another thing Caleb has taken from me.” She ranted. “I can’t even sit with my daughter while she gets her first tattoo, I-I can’t get any of the tattoo’s that I wanted to get, I can’t even listen to the buzzing noise of the gun because that’s what I woke up to after he took me-“
“Oh, Goosey,” Tim said sadly, immediately wrapping her up in his arms. “I’m so sorry. I had no idea you were awake when he did that to you. Had I known that, we could have explained to Tamara why you couldn’t go, or we could have brought your headphones-“
“I don’t need them!” Lucy yelled, pulling out of Tim’s arms, and crouching down, covering her ears wit her hands, her eyes squeezing shut. Tim sighed, and sat next to her, being mindful to not touch her until she asked or initiated contact.
“Yes, you do, Goosey, and thats okay.” He said. “I’m not going to judge you for it, Tamara certainly isn’t going to judge you for it, and any person with more than half a braincell wouldn’t judge you for it. I suggested it because when you do wear them out of the house, you are able to cope better, and that’s all I wanted. And as for him taking the ability to get tattoo’s from you, he didn’t. If you really want to get another tattoo, I’m sure we can find a trauma informed tattoo artist that is willing to work with you on this.” He explained, as he wrapped an arm around her after she removed her hands from her ears, and rested her head on his shoulder. “But it’s entirely up to you, okay?”
Lucy nodded, and sniffed. Tim kissed her on the head, and helped her stand up. She took a deep breath, and looked towards the tattoo shop door. “We should go back in,” she said, and Tim looked at her.
“Are you sure you want to?” He asked. “You don’t have to, I can go back in and you can wait in the truck if it’s going to be too hard for you.”
Lucy shook her head. “No, I-I think I was just a little unprepared, and that’s why it triggered me. I’m prepared to hear the noise, so I’ll be okay.” She said. “Tamara wanted both of us with her and I’m not going to let her down.” She finished, as she led him back inside, and into the room, where the artist was bandaging up Tamara’s tattoo.
“Can I see it, bubba,” Lucy asked, walking up to Tamara’s side immediately. Tamara holds her arm out, while looking up worriedly at Lucy.
“Are you okay, Mom?” She asked, and Lucy nodded, running a hand through Tamara’s hair.
“Yeah, baby, I’m okay.” She said, assuring the teen. “I don’t want you to worry, okay?”
Tamara blinked, her lower lip wobbling slightly. “I’m always going to worry about you,” she whispered. “You’re my mom, and I know I don’t know everything that you went through but I know enough to know that you got triggered. I didn’t even think about that before asking, I’m sorry,” she said, a tear falling from her eye.
“T,” Tim whispered, moving to her head and pressing a kiss to her head as he sat next to her on the table. “It’s okay. I don’t think any of us really thought about it.” He assured her, and Lucy nodded, sitting on the table as well.
“Yeah. It did trigger me, but I removed myself from the situation, worked through what I was feeling, and then prepared myself to come back. It’s okay, I promise.” She said, cupping Tamara’s cheek, and rubbing her thumb back and forth.
“Okay,” Tamara said, and as soon as Lucy seemed to be sure that Tamara was okay, she turned back and looked at the tattoo. “I love it, baby,” She said.
“Me, too.” Tim said, smiling down at his daughter.
“Now,” Lucy said, smiling up at Tim. “Your dad just needs to get one, and we’ll be all inked up.”
Tim shook his head but laughed along with his girls.
—
Lucy wasn’t fully healed from Caleb, but Tim was going to do everything in his power to make sure that one day, she would be. Caleb had taken a lot from her, but Tim was going to make sure that she was able to reclaim what he had taken, no matter the cost.
the weight of the world (atlas abandoned his post)
✰ 𝐩𝐚𝐢𝐫𝐢𝐧𝐠: Lucy Chen & Tamara Colins & Tim Bradford
✰ 𝐬𝐮𝐦𝐦𝐚𝐫𝐲: Tamara has a nightmare after seeing her parents fight, and finds herself to be 5 years old again.
✰ 𝐰𝐚𝐫𝐧𝐢𝐧𝐠𝐬: childhood trauma, arguments, mentions of weapons, tamara feeling abandoned, death of a parent (NOT TIM OR LUCY), tamara is not moving out in my fics sorry, happy ending ish??
don’t forget to read and reblog, and i do not give permission for my works to be posted anywhere other than tumblr. thank you.
A/N: title is from Lazarus Rises (Amongst Other Things) By Berklie Novak-Stolz. I have not seen season 6 yet as its not available to stream in Canada yet so if there’s any errors please let me know, I’m writing this based off of tiktok clips lol. tagging @natashasera
Tamara rolls over in bed, hugging her big Godzilla squish mallow to her chest, tears falling down her cheeks. The same squish mallow that Tim had gotten her when Lucy had gone undercover to take down Frank Teska.
“Just imagine Godzilla squashing all the bad guys in your dreams,” he’d said. “And if that doesn’t work, you can always call me.”
Tamara held back a sob. There was nothing more she wanted to do right now, than call Tim. She wanted to call him, have him take away her fears, and keep her safe.
But how can he keep her safe from her fears when he himself is the reason for those fears? How can he keep her safe when he left her?
She had never seen Lucy so angry. Lucy hadn’t even been that angry when Tamara stole her car, and yet Tamara knew she was seeing true anger come from Lucy as she stood in the kitchen in Angela’s arms, covering her ears in an attempt to block out the yelling from her parents in the living room.
She had felt 5 years old again, hiding in the closet, desperately trying to keep her distance from her parents who were fighting like they had never fought before. Fighting because her dad had found out her mom was having an affair with their dealer, who also happened to be her dad’s best friend. Suddenly, she felt like she was holding her breath, trying desperately not to scream as two gun shots rattled the tiny apartment, and she prayed she wasn’t his next victim.
Suddenly, the large bedroom felt suffocating, and Tamara couldn’t take it anymore.
Tamara sat up, still hugging Godzilla to her chest. She glanced beside her at the clock, which read 3:21 am. She grabbed her phone off the charger, before getting out of bed and walking out of her room. She walked across the living room as quietly as she could, and peeked into Lucy’s room, where Lucy was fast asleep on the bed, exhausted after the fight with Tim. So tired, that she hadn’t even taken off her shoes or gotten under the covers.
Tamara put Godzilla down, and her phone on top, before making her way over to the bed. She gently took Lucy’s shoes off of her feet, and placed them beside her vanity. She then grabbed the throw blanket off of the arm chair in the corner, and draped it over her. She then pressed a gentle kiss to her head, trying not to wake her as she whispered.
“I’ll be back in a bit, mom,” She said, her voice shaking as she said the word she’d been too scared to say out loud when Lucy was awake.
She then grabbed her phone and stuffy, put her own shoes on, and grabbed her keys off of her hook.
She needed to go see her safe space, even if he wasn’t so safe right now.
The drive to Tims seemed to take forever, despite the roads being nearly empty. Her stomach churned and her mind worked a million miles a minute, unsure what she was going to say to Tim. Was she going to be nice? Was she going to yell? She went over what she wanted to say, but none of it felt right. Just as she pulled into his driveway, she decided to just wing it and do what comes natural.
She slammed her car door shut a little harder than necessary, but it got the desired reaction when she saw the light in Tim’s bedroom turn on. She sniffed, wiping the tears from her eyes as she walked up the path to the front door. She didn’t want to let him know she had been crying, but he was a police officer for gods sakes, he was going to notice no matter what.
She knocked on the door quietly, knowing he was already awake and was probably about to look out through his living room room curtains to see who was at the door. She looked over to the curtains and fought back a smile when she saw his head poke out, and his eyes meet hers. His brow creased, and then curtains flipped back into their original position seconds before the front door opened, revealing Tim.
“Tamara?” Tim asked, in shock. “What are you doing here?”
Tamara scoffed and pushed her way into the house.
“I’m here because you once told me that when I had a nightmare, and Godzilla wasn’t able to squash the bad guys, I could come to you, so here I am!” She said, her voice rising in volume and shaking.
Tim nodded. “Okay, okay,” he said, walking closer and opening his arms for her. “Come here, Bub.” Tamara fell into his arms and her tears immediately returned, beginning to soak Tim’s henley. “Shhhh,” he whispered into her hair as he rocked them back and forth. “Its going to be okay, you’re safe now.”
Tamara shook her head and pulled away from Tim quickly. “No it’s not!” She said, getting more and more upset. Tim looked at her with a questioning look on her face, and Tamara wasted no time in blowing up at him.
“How can it be fine when you’re the bad guy in the dream?” She screamed, the tears, anguish and anger she had been holding back since she had woken up from the nightmare exploding out of her. “How can I make Godzilla squish you when I’m hiding in the closet again, listening to the same argument you had just had, hearing Mom yell at you to stop, to put the gun down, that she’s sorry, only for you to not listen, when all I want is for you to stop yelling and to comfort me and to tell me that no matter what happens you’ll always be my dad?! How will it be fine? All mom was trying to do was help you, and you pushed her away! And you pushed me away! Why?” She screamed.
“I wanted to help you too, to be there for you, and you wouldn’t even give me the chance! What did I do?” AS she finished yelling she fell to the ground, buried her face in her Godzilla, and cried.
Cried out not only because o the nightmare, but because of everything. Because of Tim not letting Lucy in. Tim not letting her in. Them fighting, Lucy crying the entire way home, and Tamara being helpless as to what to do, because she had never seen her mom cry that hard. Wanting nothing more than for Tim to wrap her up in his arms and hold her like she’s his little girl and-
…oh.
Two strong arms surround Tamara and she feels herself being pulled up and into Tim’s arms. He’s whispering to her that he’s right there, that he’s got her, that she’s safe, that he loves her.
“Its okay baby girl,” he whispered, rocking them back and forth. “I’m so sorry,” he whispered, his own voice shaking with emotion. “I’m so fucking sorry. I shouldn’t have pushed you away, or Lucy.”
Tamara choked out another sob, followed by the word “Why?”
“I-I thought I was protecting you by pushing you two away.” He explained as he began to rub her back. “I thought I was keeping you safe, but obviously I was wrong since Ray found you two.” He squeezed her close. “I wont make that mistake again. Okay? I promise.”
i should go home (but i'm fighting that right now)
✰ 𝐩𝐚𝐢𝐫𝐢𝐧𝐠: Tim Bradford x Lucy Chen
✰ 𝐬𝐮𝐦𝐦𝐚𝐫𝐲: Tim isn’t okay with Lucy going undercover, but he’s good at hiding it. Or so he thinks.
✰ 𝐰𝐚𝐫𝐧𝐢𝐧𝐠𝐬: set during s3e06: Revelations, Tim Bradford is a simp for Lucy Chen, references to s2e11: Day of Death, mention of childhood abuse and neglect, hints to Tim being a Dom and Lucy being a Sub, angst, fluff, angst with a happy ending, undercover, rookie year, friends to lovers, tagging @natashasera
don’t forget to read and reblog, and i do not give permission for my works to be posted anywhere other than tumblr. thank you.
It wasn’t a secret to anyone in Mid Wilshire that Tim was protective of his rookies, but everyone also knew that he was more protective of Lucy than he had been of any other rookie he’d trained. Tim knew that everyone was aware, that Nyla was aware, which is what made it so much more aggravating that she’s letting her go undercover, and not letting him have a say in it at all. It wasn’t that Lucy wouldn’t be good at UC work, because she would. She would be the best at it, but he couldn’t lose her. Not only just in the way he lost Isabel, but he couldn’t lose her at all. He’d gotten a taste of a life without Lucy Chen and he knew now that a life without Lucy Chen is not a life worth living.
Tim stood at the door of the roll call room, fuming so hard he was shocked he didn’t have smoke coming out of his ears. He wanted to shut this entire thing down. He was shocked that Grey even approved Lucy going under without his permission. Normally, Tim would have to approve something like this, and had he be given the opportunity to approve or deny her going on this op, he would have said no so quickly. But, he wasn’t the option, so all he could really do was announce his anger and disagreement with this and hope that she would pull out on her own. But knowing Lucy, she wouldn’t.
Tim had just enough self control to wait until the briefing was finished, but he did give Lucy a look that he hope portrayed just how angry he was when she was instructed to stand up so everyone could get a good look at her.
People starting filtering out of the room, and Tim immediately stalked up to Nyla, and got in her face.
“The hell are you doing?” He asked. “You can’t pit an untrained probationary officer against one of the most dangerous crime syndicates in California.”
Nyla rolled her eyes, smirking slightly before responding. “I don’t want to hear it Tim,” She said, furrowing her brows at Tim and gesturing to Lucy. “She volunteered. Plus, Grey authorized it, and we have some of the best operational expertise she could ask for.”
Tim then ignored Nyla, turning to his rookie. “They know the gladiator cage you’re walking into.” He stated. “That’s not volunteering. That’s being used.” He stated, before walking out of the room, and heading back to his shop, anger flooding every inch of his body.
He then spent the rest of the day trying to get the look on Lucy’s face out of his mind. He had been harsh with his words to her. And while he still stood behind what he said, it didn’t stop the guilt that he was feeling after seeing the hurt look on her face. She had been clearly seeking out his approval, like she always did, and he just tore her down instead. That was something he did at the start of her rookie year, but stopped when he had realized that she wasn’t driven by tough love, she was driven by praise and acceptance.
He knew that her thriving off of praise and acceptance was a reflection on her childhood, where she probably didn’t get that as much as she should have, if at all. From his one and only interaction with her parents, the day after he’d pulled her from the barrel, he knew that while Lucy’s parents never physically abused her, they definitely were neglectful at best, and mentally and emotionally abused her her entire life.
Tim knew that, and Tim still acted like he did earlier. He still didn’t approve of her doing undercover work, but he could have at least tried to be supportive, and offer to help her in anyway possible. He could have been open with her, and told her his fears, and explained that he didn’t want her going undercover because he didn’t think she could handle it, it was because he didn’t want to lose her. He didn’t want to go days without talking to her, without hearing her cheerful voice, without seeing her beautiful face. He had 13 days left with her, and he didn’t want to spend those last 13 days without her. He wanted her by his side, where she was the safest, until her last day as his rookie was over, and he could ask her to be by his side like she belonged, forever.
So while he wasn’t happy in the slightest that he was not given a choice when it came to his rookie going undercover, he accepted it, and then found himself on a rooftop with Nolan, watching the op go down. He put up with the conversation with Nolan, but kept his eyes on the nondescript van where he knew Lucy was. He saw Zhang step out, followed by Harper, holding a rifle. Lucy made her way out of the van. She looked scared, but Tim knew that when Lucy was scared on the job, she didn’t let it show on her face, which meant she was in character.
Tim let out the breath that he was holding as he watched the op unfold. While he couldn’t hear what was happening, he was able to deduce what was happening through the body language of everyone involved. Suddenly, one of Salonga’s men pulled out a radio, and said something. Seconds later, another car pulled up, prompting Tim to pull out his own radio.
“We’ve got another guest at the party,” he said, a hint of anxiety in his voice that he wasn’t even trying to hide anymore. “Standby for rescue.” He put his radio back, and continued to watch the buy.
As he did, he wanted nothing more than to pull Lucy out. He knew that she was strong, but the side of him that wanted to wrap her in bubble wrap and keep her by his side so nothing could hurt her wanted her out of that dangerous situation. But, he knew if he did that, she was going to be even more angry with him, and at the very best would cause her to resent him for the rest of her rookie year, and at the very worst would cause her to request a transfer and he would never see her again. His heart couldn’t handle that, not seeing her ever again, so he wouldn’t pull her out. She needed to see this through, and if anything went wrong, he would be there, protecting her in a heartbeat.
He watched with bated breath as Lucy willingly got into the car with Salonga, his anxiety for her turning into anger. He knew that Nyla had grilled her about not going to a secondary location, and while yes, she technically wasn’t leaving the location, she was in a closed vehicle that they could only monitor the audio. Anything could be happening visually and they would have no clue what was happening until it was too late.
When Lucy stepped out of the car a few minutes later, he let out the breath he had been holding. The next few moments flew by in a blur of seeing the money, being told to move in, and running up to Chen, placing her hands behind her back and cuffing her.
As he started to lead her to their shop, number 7-a-19. He helped her into the back of the shop, watching as she looked him in the eyes for the first time since he had berated her in front of Zhang and Harper. “You did good,” He said simply. He wanted to wait until they were alone to have a proper conversation, not only about how proud he was of her, but also about how stupid of a decision it was (in his opinion) to get into Salonga’s car. He shut the door, rounded the car, shut the other back door, and hopped in the front. He got in the front, pulling out of the parking garage, and heading toward the station.
Once they were on the freeway, Tim fished out the handcuff key from his belt, and handed it to Lucy.
“I’m still mad at you,” Lucy said, accepting the key, and un-cuffing herself.
Tim nodded in understanding. “I know,” he said. “I’m mad at you too.”
Lucy laughed. “For what?!”
Tim looked at her in the rearview mirror. “Where should I start? Going behind your training officers back, volunteering for an undercover op without approval from said training officer, getting into Salonga’s car where we couldn’t monitor everything happening.” He listed. “Not to mention, had Grey not told me, I highly doubt you would have on your own accord.”
“I didn’t come to you before volunteering for two reasons.” Lucy snapped. “1, there was no time, it was a heat of the moment decision because we were in danger, and 2, because I knew you wouldn’t approve.”
Now it was Tim’s turn to laugh. “Damn right. You are MY rookie, and that means that you are MY responsibility. You’re damn right I wouldn’t have approved of you going undercover. You are not experienced, you’re still a rookie for gods sakes! There shouldn’t have been an opportunity for you to be even exposed to undercover work.” He said loudly.
Tim immediately regretted his words and tone when he hear Lucy sniffle from the back seat.
“S-So you don’t think I’m good enough for undercover work.” She stated. “Really loving the support from my TO right now. I thought you would have been proud of me.”
Tim sighed, and pulled the shop over. He got out of the shop, and opened up the backseat, letting Lucy out. She didn’t make eye contact with him, and slapped the cuffs and key in his hand.
“Get in the front seat.” He said.
“Why?” Lucy challenged.
Tim rolled his eyes, exasperated with her attitude. “Get in the car, Boot.” He snapped, getting back in the drivers seat.
“Its shop, not a fucking car!” Lucy yelled at him as she walked (more like stomped) around the car.
Tim ran a hand over his face, and sighed, before turning to Lucy when he heard the passenger door slam.
“Okay first of all, stop with the attitude.” He said, and Lucy’s mouth dropped open.
“I do not ha-“ She started, but then Tim grasped her chin, and looked into her eyes.
“You do. You have an attitude right now, and I’m sick of it. I know you just went through a very stressful situation, that you’re tired, and angry, but I need you to stop acting like Lucy, and start acting like Officer Chen, got it?” He said, sternly, and Lucy nodded, eyes wide. Tim swallowed, trying not to think too much about how easily she submitted to him.
“Yes, I am mad at you. For all the reasons I mentioned. My anger is valid and justified. I know that, and I know for a fact that you know that. I am angry that you did this without coming to me first, but it is not because I think that you can’t handle it, or that you’re not strong enough for undercover work. It’s because I already lost someone important to me to undercover work and I am not willing to risk that with you, okay?” He said, and Lucy nodded, gulping, tears starting to form in her eyes.
“You did great. You did better than I was expecting you to, but that doesn’t mean that I’m okay with it.” He expressed. “We can talk more about that later, but right now I need you to tell me what you need to recover from the op. You are not yourself, because regular Lucy would not yell, stomp, or swear at me like you did. So, lets get back to the station, so you can be debriefed and I can drive you home. Can we do that?” He asked, and Lucy nodded, her body starting to relax in Tim’s hold. “Good girl.”
“‘m sorry,” Lucy whispered as Tim released her cheek. “‘m sorry I yelled at you.” Her tears spilled over and began running down her cheeks, and Tim wasted no time in wrapping an arm around her and pulling her close to his chest.
“Its okay.” He whispered. “I’m not mad anymore, okay?” He reassured, and Lucy nodded, still sobbing. “And for the record, I am proud of you. I’ve never been prouder of a rookie than I am of you. So I want you to get the doubt of my pride in you out of your head. Me being proud of you and me being angry with the way things went down are not related.” He reassured her.
“O-Okay.” She stuttered. Tim nodded, pressed a small kiss to the top of her head, and then removed his arm, and was about to grab onto the steering wheel when Lucy grabbed it, and gripped it tightly. Tim smiled, but let her hold on to his arm as he drove.
They made it back to the station a while later, and Lucy was immediately pulled away by Nyla for their debrief, but not before Tim told her to change out immediately after and wait at his truck. Tim was also pulled into his own debrief, as he was just surveillance and wasn’t able to know the intimate details of the operation against Salonga. He also had a rather uncomfortable conversation with Grey about why he had interrupted the briefing and spoke to his rookie like that, where he explained his reasonings, and got off rather easily, as Grey understood where he was coming from but insisted that next time he needs to speak to his rookie with the respect and kindness that she had more than earned.
He changed out, and met Lucy by his truck, where she was standing, looking around nervously.
“Hey,” he said, with a smile on his face to let her know he really wasn’t mad anymore. “How are you feeling?”
Lucy shrugged, a small, unsure smile on her face. “Im good. Tired.” She said, as Tim walked closer.
“I can imagine.” He said. He put his bag down at his feet, and tucked his hands into his pants. “Look, I know that I was out of line earlier today, during the briefing.” He began. “I was scared for you, and angry that had I not gone to see Grey on my own accord, theres a high likely hood I would have been kept in the dark about it, but I had no right to yell at you and talk to you the way that I did. You deserved to have to support throughout your first undercover operation, and I should have put my personal issues with undercover work aside and helped you. So, I’m sorry.”
“Wow,” Lucy said, her eyebrows raising. “An I’m sorry? From Tim Bradford? That was not what I was expecting at all.” She said, and Tim furrowed his own brows in confusion.
“What were you expecting me to say?”
Lucy looked him in the eyes. “I was honestly expecting you to say that while I did good today you stand by what you said this morning and that I shouldn’t be doing undercover work at all, much less while I’m still a rookie.”
Tim sighed, looked down, and moved closer to Lucy. “That’s not what I think, or what I meant by my little speech in the car earlier. I was just struggling with my own shit, but I now realize that I shouldn’t let my own trauma trigger yours, and it wasn’t okay for me to grab your face like that, or speak to you like I did.”
“And by realizing, you mean Grey yelled at you?” She joked, and Tim nodded with a sheepish smile. “Thats what I thought. And about the grabbing my face, I actually liked that. It helped me focus, and helped ground me.” She explained.
Tim moved even closer to her, brushing a stray hair out her face as he cupped her face. “Really?” He asked. “You liked it?” He asked in a slightly joking tone, and smiled even bigger when he saw her become slightly flustered. Suddenly, the confession that he was saving for after her last shift as a rookie was on the tip of his tongue, and he did nothing to stop it.
“Do you want to know the real reason I didn’t want you going undercover?” He asked, and Lucy immediately nodded. “The reason I didn’t want you doing this is because I’m just overprotective of my rookies. I was upset because you mean more to me than any of those other rookies ever did. I trained them, they graduated to P2 or washed out, and I moved on to the next rookie. Until you walked into the room, and I was assigned as your training officer. Most rookies would have just followed orders and let me die or ran for the hills if I got shot on their second ever shift. But, not you. You stayed, disobeyed me but pulled me from danger, and thats when I knew that training you was going to be different. But, it wasn’t until I came in to work on December 9th, 2019, that I realized that I was in love with you.” He admitted, his voice shaking slightly, but determined to get this out before he lost the confidence. He saw Lucy’s eyebrows raise slightly, her lips drop one, and tears rim her eyes once more.
“W-What?” Lucy stuttered, swallowing hard. “You’re in love with me?” She asked.
At first, Tim wasn’t sure whether she was happy or sad about that, but then he looked deep into her eyes, and behind her beautiful brown eyes, he saw happiness. He saw hope, and most importantly, he saw the love she had for him. And that happiness, hope, and love gave him the boost do not answer her with words, but instead, answer her by leaning in, and pressing his lips to hers, hoping he was able to convey the love he had in his heart, body and mind for Lucy through the kiss.
Lucy melted into his body, and he held her as close as he could, knowing for the first time since he pulled her from that barrel that she was safe, fully safe, and that she would be by his side, forever, just like he wanted.
