naxy is rent free in my mind again
TABLE OF CONTENTS 1. aimless rambles 2. anaxa's attitude to death 3. my headcanon which solves a minor plot hole (which barely even exists)
thinking, ONCE AGAIN, about
black tide creature: the gods shall scorn your very existence anaxa: (haha) i already do!
JUST. SIMULTANEOUSLY "I AM GOD" AND "I SCORN MY EXISTENCE" LIKE how can someone be so self-destructive, self-sacrificing and SIMULTANEOUSLY so self-aggrandizing, prideful… anaxa just so fascinating he's so complex my favoritest ever
anaxa is neither selfish nor selfless. i've decided to call him "self-cultivating". he wants to turn himself into the Best Thing, the smartest thing, a God. he critiques and refines his way into finding the most correct understanding he can.
the revolution of ideas can only be achieved through criticism and suspicion. I encourage students to challenge my authority
the Best Thing happens to be a person which would aid others!! but he doesn't care to be nice or make people feel happy. but he does care about others being able to be their best selves
hyacine is probably the person who understands anaxa the best. she's aware of the things anaxa keeps more private, like how much he worried about his death- whether he could accomplish everything he wanted to before he died, and what would happen after his death.
"He is panicked by the flow of time, For his work is yet done, yet to implement."
and, that part of anaxa-- the part that thinks about death-- is something i also think about all the time
ANAXA'S ATTITUDE TO DEATH
He has much to say about his posthumous affairs, Exhausting all, fearing the smallest omission.
"Philosophy is the inquiry into death, And I have always considered myself a philosopher."
so, uh, anaxa thinks about his death all the time.
at one point, hyacine suggested...
"Teacher... Could it be that... you FEAR death?" The assistant asks in concern.
but she didn't fully understand him yet. anaxa is not afraid of death itself. lygus said it himself, anaxa doesn't give a single fuck about his own survival
Its survival priority approaches zero. Its behavior also demonstrated the possible self-destructive inclinations of Erudition when that Path is seeking answers.
rather, anaxa is afraid of death arriving before he's found the answers he's seeking, and what he will leave behind after he dies. he wants to use his death to further knowledge. anaxa meticulously planned to leave behind his wisdom, in a way- and also a bit of whimsical joy to urge people not to grieve.
The assistant softly reveal the hidden plot. "He hopes that instead of shedding tears over his death, we will find it in us to smile, even in a moment of sorrow."
The scholar left a teaching ingenium, Imitating himself to the utmost detail. "Go back. The living have not exhausted their thoughts." "Go back. The dead have no desire to teach their works." The ingenium's words are cold and detached, Like the deceased man himself. "But if you have no one to talk to... Fine. You can sit and converse."
i see all of this as anaxa's lesson in letting go of the dead. "equivalent exchange"... in wanting to see his sister again, anaxa lost his eye. and after seeing her again, that was enough for him to let her go completely. he didn't sacrifice more body parts to see her more; he realized holding on to the dead like that would cost you too much.
he learned this lesson the hard way.
"Perhaps your ambition... Should also find its place among your final wishes." "Pointless notion." He dismissed in derision. "Unveiling the countenance of the gods is a task for the living."
this part, at least at the surface level, appears to contradict his character story 4, which directly calls for his students to carry on his work
My future students, if you see these words, it proves that my endeavor has failed at the final step, falling just before the break of dawn. Use my results to the fullest extent, and make me the subject of your research! Step over my body and take the torch from my hands. Use me as the firewood to ignite the flames that will bring light to the truth! Do not fear blasphemy— It is already a sin to transcend the gods, so what if you become a god!" — One of the echoes in Anaxa's memories after the Grove had fallen, which vanished because nobody discovered it
but if you think carefully, it makes sense to anaxa, the distinction between "my final wish" and "taking the torch from my hands" is huge. he doesn't want his students to pursue his ambition-- finding the truth about the titans- just because it's his final wish. he wants them to pursue it because they see the value in the truth itself. he wants them to pursue it with genuine interest and passion like he did
so he didn't put it in his will, but he left "instructions" for his students- should they choose to learn from him one last time
of course, no one saw this message, because anaxa didn't need his students to carry the torch. he ended up proving everything himself. this entire message was a failsafe.
i would have included a compilation of the times anaxa had 0 regard for his own life/health, or strategized about how to use his death to further his goals, but it's genuinely a constant thing with him. from killing bits of his soul to leave a message, to using his blood in experiments (and getting severely injured for them), to his death with which he passed the Trial of Reason...
and on that note, one mini headcanon of mine
THAT HEADCANON
so remember how anaxa initially doesn't seem to recognize phainon?
Phainon: Long time no see, Professor Anaxa. Anaxa: Who are you? Phainon: It's been a while. I'm the one who once overthrew the entire classroom in that spiritual physics lecture. Anaxa: Oh, it's you.
just, knowing what we know now, seeing how much anaxa valued both castorice and phainon as his students, it seems odd that he'd just forget. phainon doesn't seem particularly surprised, but... still. anaxa clearly remembers phainon in great detail, enough to give him in-depth advice later on
soooo, what gives?
well- remember how anaxa burned away pieces of his soul to leave those messages? what if that process fucked with a few of his memories? ... idk, it just seems fitting. equivalent exchange, in order to allow others to witness and remember something, u have to lose the ability to remember something...
anyway-- if you've reached the end of my brain vomiting, thank you for reading. i hope my obsession is interesting!!
