You don't need to have read Don't Let Go Of My Hand, A Guide to Giving Up and Afraid Of The Unknown beforehand but I recommend you do if you want to since it adds context.
Word Count: 2.2k
Warnings: swearing
For the first time in what felt like days Nari somehow found enough energy within herself to muster up a smile as she finally opened her eyes, looking up at her concerned members.
"I'm leaving NCT."
The silence that followed had nearly been enough to convince Nari to turn around, shove her shoes on and leave. Nayoung had offered to pick her up, after all. But it wasn't the feeling of guilt from having run away from this too many times to count keeping her inside the dorms.
No.
Her feet were just ... frozen. Everything in the dorm was. What only lasted a few seconds felt like each of the three kingdoms could have collapsed and united in that time. But when Nari heard the unmistakable sound of a scoff coming from Jaemin she felt the urge to dive headfirst back into the uncomfortable silence.
"What kind of excuse even is that?" Chenle muttered in disbelief. Nari couldn't really blame him for sounding so exasperated. Though, perhaps that had more to do with both her brain and body being frozen than anything else.
"A shit one" Jaemin said. No longer trying to hide the annoyance in his voice. Again Nari found herself unable to speak and so with another scoff leaving his lips all she could do was watch as Jaemin turned to walk away.
He didn't make it far before Mark had kicked the boys shin. Jaemin's gaze shot to their leader, an incredulous look on his face as his mouth opened, however Mark spoke before he could make a sound.
"What do you mean you're leaving?"
"Yeah ... hyung ... we already know you guys will be graduating soon." Jisung added his voice sounding lost in confusion.
"Is that why you were drinking last night?" Renjun's voice was softer than the others had been. The sound of something similar to pity had Nari curling her hand up. Though she wasn't sure who she was annoyed at.
After a few more beats of silence it must have become obvious that she didn't know what to say. She'd spent so much time preparing to say these words she didn't spare a thought for what would happen if she didn't communicate clearly. Nor did she think about what she would say once they realised the truth of her words. Her brain was in no state to process through either of these things at that moment.
"Hey." Jeno's voice was soft, like Renjun's, but Nari couldn't hear any pity in it. Only a warmth that she knew she didn't deserve from him. "Why don't we talk some more after you've had something to eat and drink?"
Nari felt her heart sink. She'd acted like a bitch to all of them over the past few days and last night ... How could Jeno still be concerned for her? Had he really already forgiven her for how she'd acted only a few hours ago? Surely he realised that what she'd done was unforgiveable that she'd -
"It's not just DREAM is it?"
Nari's eyes snapped to Haechan's when he spoke. His voice surprisingly strong as he stared directly at Nari awaiting her response.
Nari's lips pursed together. Her head nodding without her telling it to. She quickly broke eye contact with Haechan. Her gaze flickering away from the intensity in his eyes.
"fuck."
Haechan didn't just sound angry. He looked it too. He didn't stomp as he left the entryway. But there was a noticeable noise heard as he plonked himself down on the sofa his jaw clenched and hands in fists as his elbows rested on agitated knees.
Something about Haechan's reaction must have finally made it's way past the thick permafrost coating Nari's mind. She found herself mumbling that Renjun's cooking shouldn't go to waste and that she'd give them a chance to talk stuff through. Then, without sparing a glance at her co-workers, Nari beelined towards the kitchen.
Breathe, she reminded herself.
Once she was out of sight, Nari let her eyes fall closed. She let herself listen to the sound of footsteps as they slowly moved in the opposite direction to where she was standing. There was a moment of silence before the mumbled voices of her members became audible. Only then did Nari open her eyes. Her fists unclenching as her shoulders slumped. Nari could only hope the sound of the microwave would be enough to drown out whatever discussion was taking place in the other room.
But even once the microwave had ceased it's buzz she found that not listening to her members wasn't actually all that hard. Not when her head was piercing with fear.
Would they agree with SM?
Did they want her gone?
What would the other members think when they found out?
Did they already know?
It wasn't that hard to believe. It'd only been a few months ago she'd found out they'd managed to keep a whole scandal involving a sasaeng from her for almost two years. Maybe they just hadn't mentioned anything because they didn't want her knowing what they really thought about her leaving. Besides, Nari couldn't deny the logic behind the decision. She'd already done what she'd been placed in the group to do. She'd given Dream their initial boost towards success. The group would surely do better as a whole without her. If the company thought so, why should her members think any different?
Nari's head drowned in seemingly endless doubt and guilt. Memories of thrown away comments the members had made. One's she'd laughed off and others she wasn't supposed to have heard. All of them sitting in the back of her head for all these years.
Finally taking a bite of the delicious food Renjun had slaved over this morning Nari's mind went back to Nayoung's comforting words. She could always call her if she needed a quick escape.
With that thought she sat herself down, legs crossed on the floor and back leant against the kitchen cabinets, and allowed her mind to wander as she ate.
The voices of her members didn't stop. Not once in the time it took Nari to finish eating and wash the utensils she'd used. So, even after cleaning the rest of the dishes that had been left out, Nari found herself idling in the kitchen for a few minutes before she finally began walking over to where her members had gathered in main area of their dorms.
She wasn't sure if the extra time she'd left was for her members or herself.
There was a moment of silence when she appeared in the doorway, and again it was almost enough for Nari to make a break for the front door. But before she could consider running for too long, Jisung was asking her if she'd cleaned up his dishes. Her small noise of confirmation had Jisung smiling in thanks before gesturing for her to sit down in the one chair they'd brought over from the dinning table that had been left empty. As she sat Haechan began talking about how good the food Renjun had made was and how unfair it was that he didn't get to live in this dorm. The aggressive hug, bordering on a tackle, that Renjun gave Haechan in response as he demanded to know if that was the only thing Haechan liked about visiting their dorm was almost enough to make Nari smile. But despite Haechan appearing a lot calmer than he had been before, the look in his eyes had Nari picking at the edge of her jacket sleeve as the room became quiet once more.
"Can you tell us exactly what SM has told you so far?"
Nari looked over at Mark and nodded as she took a deep breath.
"Wouldn't be the first time you misunderstood something." Jaemin muttered before Nari could speak.
Jeno kicked Jaemin in the leg from where they were both sat across the room. He glared at Jaemin before shifting his now concerned gaze towards Nari.
"You're right," Nari whispered.
She scrunched her eyes for a moment before looking directly at Jaemin. He held a look of expectation and impatience that Nari couldn't blame him for. Not knowing what else to do, Nari took one more deep breath and, following Nayoung's advice, began explaining everything as honestly as she could.
It took a while, with Nari pausing to collect her thoughts and ensure she was expressing them clearly multiple times, but once she'd gone over everything she took comfort seeing that Jaemin looked a bit less pissed than he had before. They all appeared to be deep in thought and again the room was left in silence. Though, thankfully not quite as tense as it had been the previous few times.
"It isn't final," Renjun finally said, looking worried and a bit overwhelmed by everything, "That means we can still talk with SM about stuff. I'm sure ... we'll be able to come up with something. Even if it means your position in NCT isn't as permanent as it is now, ... we'll ... you can still be a part of NCT."
A sense of relief that Nari hadn't felt in days washed over her and she couldn't stop the small smile that made it's way onto her face. If nothing else, Renjun wanted her to stay. Nari felt like she could cry. Not out of sadness as she had done for the past few days, but out of happiness. Out of relief. Renjun wanted her to stay. He wasn't her first friend at the company, or even in the group, but he wanted her to stay. There were still so many more opinions she wanted to know, but now she knew for certain that at least one of her members wanted her to stay.
Perhaps it was this thought that kept her from crying as she finally looked around at the faces of the rest of her members who looked disbelieving of what Renjun had said. Though she could feel her quick burst of joy shattering, Nari pushed her emotions aside as she tried to keep her voice even.
"I understand if you guys want me to leave. I won't hold it against you. Ever. Honestly ... I'm still so happy just with everything I've already experienced with you guys. So ... I ... I don't regret joining NCT. And ... even if you guys do want me to leave ... that won't stop you from being my friends. Genuinely. It's okay. It's okay if that's what you want."
She wasn't sure if she was talking about her place as a member of NCT or as one of their friends.
"Nari."
Jaemin's voice was harsh as he said her name. When Nari shifted her gaze to him she found both he and Jeno were looking at her with expressions she could only describe as angered.
"We know NCT isn't your normal everyday K-pop group," Jeno said, keeping his gaze fixed on Nari even as he began to wave his hands about, "It never was in the first place and let's be honest it's never going to be. And ... yeah I'm sure ... we've all had confusing and conflicting emotions about it but ... but that doesn't mean that you aren't a part of the group. Because you are."
"So don't talk about yourself like you aren't" Jaemin snapped.
"You're a key part of this group," Mark added, sincerity dripping though his voice, "We wouldn't be NCT without you."
"Yeah, do you really think I'd be able to put up with these idiots if you weren't here with me?" Chenle added.
"Yah," Jisung muttered, shoving Chenle before turning to look at Nari, "Seriously though, none of us ... no one wants you to leave."
"Not just that," Haechan added, a small spark finally returning to his face, "As long as you want to be in NCT we won't allow you to leave. Screw SM, you're staying. No arguments."
"And look, even ... even if you do leave ... that won't ever stop us all from being friends, okay?" Mark stated, "Hopefully it won't come to it but ... if it does than you can bet that these next few months will be amazing and we're all going to support each other through it. That's not going to stop, no matter what happens next year."
It was only when Renjun came over to bring her into a hug that Nari realised she'd been crying. Nari felt like she'd been transported back in time. Back to when she was 17 and leaving I.O.I behind to move into NCT's dorms for the first time. All their kind and comforting words she didn't think she deserved flooding her brain.
"I'm so sorry," Nari found herself apologising through her tears and snot now pouring down her face.
"You've had a lot on your mind," Jaemin sighed as he came over to offer Nari his hand and a small smile. "That doesn't make everything okay. But ... we understand now. And we're all going to be here for you, but it's your job to let us, okay?"
A genuine smile broke its way through her tears as Nari nodded.
This takes place during the filming of Produce 101, specifically in conjunction with Episode 10.
Word Count: 1.2K
Pic 1 | Gif | Pic 2
The building felt empty yet comforting. By the early evening the lenses of cameras had been covered. Some cameras were packed up and the staff that worked them had long since headed home.
Nari had spent the last few hours in various dorm rooms across the building. The hoodie she'd been wearing had collected stains from the tears of the trainees she'd comforted. She wasn't convinced her words had been all that helpful, but seeing the smiles on her unnies faces had brought her a sense of happiness. Happiness she tried her best to share with those who were struggling. The people she'd grown close to over the past few months.
The way the trainees had spent their afternoon wasn't all that surprising given the filming they'd been assigned to do that morning. The teacher who had come in and let the girls express their emotions truthfully had had a big impact on everyone. Nari could see the way most of the girls had felt relieved when they'd finally been given the opportunity to let out their emotions. Emotions they'd had to put aside as they all strove to achieve their goal of debuting.
Emotions that came out in even bigger waves once the girls had returned to their dorm rooms and were finally granted the privacy that they'd only had glimpses of over the past few months. It had been a tough couple of hours, but now that the sun was starting to set almost every face she passed seemed to have a smile. Ones more genuine than she'd seen in a while. It seemed like the words Nari had offered, the words their fellow trainees had offered and the ones they'd heard from their teacher this morning had allowed everyone to remove a burden from their hearts.
Well, almost everyone.
"On TV everyone's laughing, so how difficult must [it] be to everyone."
Those words that had warmed the hearts of her unnies had been the same ones to make Nari's blood run cold. Those words informed her that she wouldn't be able to make it to 1 am.
"[You girls who chose you are feeling anxious] should be patting yourselves on the back the most right now."
It was early. She wouldn't be able to stay as long as she'd have liked. She'd probably still end up coming back up here around the same time she had every night prior. But Nari knew she couldn't hold it in for any longer.
So, with the excuse that she'd misplaced her notebook she was currently hiding in the waistband of her pants, Nari made her way to the room that had become her sanctuary. She only allowed herself to run once the set of toilets located on the top floor in the eastern most part of the building were in sight.
After double checking the dimly lit corridor was empty and locking the door behind her, Nari barely made it to sit on the lid of the toilet before sobs began clawing their way out of her throat.
"When other people, people you don't know judge you it's hard. And if you get mad they say your personality is bad. If you say you want to try something they call you selfish. If you concede because you want to look good then you lost your opportunity. You've struggled."
They'd been called strong after that. Strong for having made it this far whilst struggling through everything that was thrown at them over the past few months.
Nari agreed that the girls were strong. She just didn't think she could include herself under that label.
Because how could someone who wasn't even able to admit their own feelings, a coward, hypocrite and a liar like herself be considered strong?
Her body shook. She had to constantly try to remain quiet. The tears made it hard. Her struggle to breath made it even harder. But she managed it. Somehow.
Maybe she was strong.
A small laugh escaped her mouth. Nari quickly bit down on her hand before another sob could escape. She couldn't let anyone hear her. She'd been forced up here earlier than she was used to and that meant she couldn't be certain that no one would be around. So she had to remain vigilant. Even as the entire world seemed to be collapsing on her, she couldn't let herself go. At least, not fully.
What time was it now? The moon seemed to have shifted since she'd entered the bathroom. But that wasn't surprising. She'd cried till she didn't have any tears left. Too tired to be sad or angry. To drained to feel any emotion other than exhaustion. She didn't even know if that counted as an emotion anymore. Surely it had taken on a role similar to breathing. It was just there. A constant in her life. One she only noticed if she thought about it.
Nari longed for that moment when she would wake up in the morning. Because she knew that when she did her brain would have gained enough energy to trick her into believing that that day would be different. It was that same optimism that she used to help the trainees around her. The same optimism she used to get through each day.
Even if they all ended the same way.
So, mustering up all the remnants of energy that were left in her aching body, Nari pulled herself up off the toilet seat and looked in the mirror above the sink. After splashing some water on her face, there was barely any indication that she'd been crying left. For the millionth time in the past few months she found herself thankful that her face didn't bloat in the same way she knew others did after crying.
She took the stairs down to the dorms slowly. Allowing time as she fiddled with the notebook she now held in her hands. It seemed that most of the trainees had taken the opportunity to get some extra sleep with only a few of the older girls sneaking out to quickly buy some snacks whilst another group of trainees closer to Nari's age had gathered to finish school work together. All of the trainees had spread out, doing something to fill the time after a long morning of shooting footage. And, since there wouldn't be any evaluations to prepare for until after the fast approaching eliminations, all of the girls had avoided the practice rooms like the plague.
Only Nayoung and Chungha had seemingly noticed Nari's disappearance. Thankfully both seemed satisfied with Nari's explanation of having to search for her notebook high and low before finally finding it and that when she did she'd had enough time to think of new things to write down in it so she'd quickly sat down and done so before she forgot. Nari couldn't help letting out a sigh of relief when neither of them noticed she didn't put a pen away with her notebook as she grabbed her toiletries and began getting ready for bed.
By the time Nari had finally climbed into her bed she had her notebook with her. And, with a pen in hand, Nari found herself writing down the slew of emotions that had been bubbling inside her all day.
The path between the toilets and the room Nari knew Jeno, Renjun and Jisung to be in seemed to have wound on endlessly. By the time she'd finally entered the room she'd lost count of the number of yawns she'd not bothered to hold back.
"How much agyeo did you do?"
Nari lazily threw a pillow at Jisung from the couch she'd plonked herself on instead of verbally responding to his question. His eyes once again flickered up from his phone to gauge Nari's expression as the girl brought her phone out of her pocket.
"That bad huh?"
Although Jisung's tone was light-hearted his comment prompted Nari to look up from where she'd been about to open up tomorrows schedule.
"No, ... some were really sweet. One guy even had some really cool jokes," Nari admitted.
"And the others?" Jisung cut back grinning.
Now both of their gazes had left their phones. There was a moment of silence as the two shared a knowing look before Jisung let out a small laugh with Nari quickly following suit.
"Fair enough."
As Jisung's attention returned to his phone, Nari shifted her gaze back to their schedules for tomorrow. Looking over the times and activities for a few minutes before making an alarm for herself tomorrow morning.
"Where did Jeno go?"
After turning off her phone and throwing it in her bag Nari had looked around the room to see that whist Renjun was still asleep in the same position he'd been in when she'd entered a few minutes ago to get Jaemin for his video calls, the spot where Jeno had been sat playing the Kart game he loved was empty.
"Hm?" Jisung said vaguely, still focused on his phone, "Oh he went to go talk to manager-hung I think."
Nari nodded, her eyes already closing as she adjusted how she was sitting.
"Don't let Jaemin wake me up okay?"
The laugh Jisung let out made Nari smile as she let her arm flop over her eyes, excited for the quick nap she'd get to have whilst Jaemin, Jeno and Jisung did their fan sign video calls.
It felt like she'd had her eyes closed for less than a minute when a knock was heard. Peeling her eyes open Nari meet eyes with Jisung who looked just as confused as she felt before the door was opened and one of the newer staff members she'd only seen around the SM building a few times entered with a bow. The presence of someone Nari didn't recognise all to well confused her even more than the knock had.
"Hello, I hope I'm not disturbing you but you guys need to take these."
Nari squinted at what the girl was holding in her hands as she walked towards Jisung, her tired brain waking up faster than she had been expecting it to.
"Ah, ... I already did a test this morning?"
Nari caught Jisung's now slightly nervous gaze as he accepted the RAT (Rapid Antigen Test) from the staff Nari now remembered to be called Sookjoo.
"Has something happened?" Nari questioned.
Sookjoo seemed to pause in her steps for a millisecond before handing Nari her own RAT as she said "Jeno just got a positive result."
Jisung's eyes widened and Nari couldn't help but feel a similar sense of shock herself.
"Your manager told me to give you these and asked for you to text him the results. He's currently organising a lift back to the dorms for Jeno but he also needs to know if he has to cancel any more fan signs this evening."
"Ah, of course. Thank you."
Nari bowed her head at Sookjoo and watched her leave the room, her own head still processing the news. There was a second of silence as both Jisung and Nari processed this sudden news.
"Did Jeno mention anything about feeling unwell to you?" Jisung blurted out.
Nari shook her head, her mind racing back to all the small things she'd said throughout the day that now seemed highly unfair given he'd been sick.
The sound of ripping plastic brought Nari back to reality as she looked at the three packets of RATs she'd been given. A sigh left her lips as she moved to wake Renjun.
The irritation and confusion soon left Renjun's tired face as Nari explained what Sookjoo had just relayed to her and Jisung. As Nari began to open her own test she saw the same concern make it's way onto Renjun's face as he asked after Jeno. Although the room was not silent as it had been a few minutes ago, it felt somewhat empty as Nari joined Jisung and Renjun as they tried to figure out what would happen to their promotions going forward. The busy nature of promotions always seemed to eliminate time spent sorting through her thoughts. It almost felt like her cluttered mind didn't have enough room to store this latest news.
"Wait ... Nari! You haven't been feeling unwell recently right?!"
Nari's eyebrows furrowed, careful not to touch the RAT in front of her as she lent forward towards Jisung whose sudden cry had interrupted Renjun.
"No?" Nari replied, her confusion making it sound like she wasn't certain of her own health, "I would have told you guys and the staff if I had. Why?"
"Ah," Nari heard Renjun mutter softly before his eyes met her own, a whole new layer of seriousness flooding his gaze, "It's been a while since you've been to see your doctor right? Did you check your blood pressure this morning?"
"Obviously," Nari remarked, "You know I always try and do that on the way to the salon. But why is ..."
Nari found her voice slowing down as her thoughts caught up with what her members were worried about.
She hadn't thought about that.
"Ah, don't worry I'm sure it'll be fine." Nari said, waving off her members concern, "I didn't get covid last time when Jisung had it and at this point it's more surprising how long we've managed to avoid it. At least it's summer now, so there's really no need to worry about me. Seriously. I just hope Jeno's doing okay."
Nari tried to ignore the unconvinced look that Jisung and Renjun shared as she grabbed her phone. Opening up her messages Nari saw that Jeno was being driven home by their manager and sent a quick message and some cute stickers as Mark, Haechan and Chenle had already done. Though, she doubted Jeno would look at them until the morning.
The timer on her phone seemed to pass slowly as the trio waited for their results. Luckily as less than a minute remained Nari could sense Jisung and Renjun finally relaxing a bit as all of their tests remained negative.
"Jisung-ah!" Jaemin's brightly sung as he came through the door. "It's your turn to be a dog."
The small laugh Jaemin let out was quickly cut off when he took in the room in front of him. Nari was thankful that Renjun was the one to begin explaining everything to Jaemin as it meant she could continue the conversation she'd started over text after realising she should inform her family and friends before they found out through whatever statement SM would eventually put out.
"Nari-ah, are you feeling okay?"
Nari felt relieved that she could now present physical evidence in the form of her RAT in order to comfort Jaemin's concerns.
"I'm fine. Just upset that our promotions are going to be cut short."
Jaemin made a small noise in agreement that didn't do much to hide his disbelief of her. Still, as he sat down and began taking out his own RAT Nari finally felt that everything had calmed down enough for her to close her eyes again. Though this time, as her mind continued to race, she knew she had no hope of resting.
~
a/n: I hope you enjoyed this fic 🥰 I was a bit hesitant on posting it because I don't want to make light of any form of illness. Please let me know if have any feedback. Hope you're having a good day/night wherever you are in the world and that you're staying safe, healthy and happy 💚
You don't need to have read Don't Let Go Of My Hand and A Guide to Giving Up beforehand but I recommend you do if you want to since it adds context.
Word Count: 1.5k
It was another cold morning. Cold enough to have basically frozen Nari's head to the glass it leant against. Yet Nari couldn't help but welcome the discomfort. She knew she deserved much worse.
Nari sat at the end of her bed. Arms hugging her knees to her chest as her head lent against the window of her bedroom. She sat unmoving as the sun began to crawl it's way up past the horizon. She could barely make out much more than its light through her bleary eyes.
There was no shortage of reasons why her eyes were in such a state. She'd had about 2 hours of sleep over the past 3 days. She'd been heavily drinking a few hours ago. She'd started crying almost immediately afterwards. She'd only just stopped crying. She should be asleep right now. For the third night in a row she hadn't slept.
But how could she?
How was she supposed to sleep when she could hear everything her members had said? When she could hear their yells of anger and frustration. Their words of appal and irritation. Their comments of confusion and concern. All of it her fault.
"Hey look, ... it's late and we're all tired. Let's just head back to bed, yeah? We can call Mark, Haechan and Chenle in the morning and see if they have any idea what's going on. For now I think we could all use some rest."
Soon after the members had agreed with Renjun's words Nari had heard the door to her room being opened at a painstakingly slow pace. After a few seconds and a quiet sigh the door had closed and she'd listened as Renjun made his way back to his own room. She didn't blame him for thinking she was asleep. She'd been laid on her back and whilst Renjun had probably been able to see her closed eyes despite the dark, she doubted her still flowing tears were visible. Even when she'd heard Jisung and Jaemin finish their inaudible whispering Nari had felt too exhausted to open her eyes. The sobs that had wracked her body seemed to have drained her of all her energy. It took hours of just laying on her bed before she'd gotten uncomfortable enough to sit up. Her tears finally coming to a stop as she did.
"Excuse me miss, can I interest you in a massage? We have a sale right now for 15% off both ..."
The words muffled together in Nari's brain. Her overcrowded thoughts not leaving enough room for her to do anything other than shake her head and bow slightly as she passed by the woman stood cheerily outside her shop.
She didn't remember getting dressed but she was thankful she'd chosen a hoodie since she'd forgotten to grab a hat when she'd left the dorms. She blamed the endless thoughts bouncing around her head as the reason she didn't remember deciding to head out. Not that she actually remembered heading out at all. Nor did she remember getting dressed or tying her shoes. Looking down at them now only the right one was done in a somewhat acceptable way. The laces of her left shoe would undoubtedly come undone soon, but she wasn't bothered to fix them. Her feet were already uncomfortable given she'd forgotten to put on any socks. They seemed to be baring the brunt of her brash decisions.
She had her hoodie pulled up, covering as much as her face as possible whilst also hiding her uncombed hair she must have tied up at some point. Her left hand stuffed in her pocket, her shoulders hunched as she stared down at her phone. Nari was surprised the woman had even tried to engage with her given her appearance.
At some point she'd realised she hadn't thought to bring a mask with her, and she knew she hadn't put any make-up on. Before this she'd walked passed the metro station. Almost as if her subconscious was trying to punish her. Or maybe she'd made a conscious decision to forgo it. She couldn't remember.
Just like she couldn't remember why she'd decided to come here.
She knew the code to enter the building and, whilst she didn't have a key to the apartment, Nari didn't mind waiting until Nayoung woke up. At least she was an early riser.
By the time she'd forced herself to walk up 7 flights of stairs, deciding not to use the elevator for a reason she had already forgotten, Nari's feet were sore. Or at least, more so than they had already been when she'd entered the building. So she'd sat herself down on the small bench that faced the lifts.
And waited.
Time didn't really have much meaning at that point. It could have been days of her sitting there or just a few minutes and it would have all felt the same to her. At some point an elderly lady had sat down next to her as she waited for the lift. She'd said something about her daughter amongst other things before she'd gripped her bucket full of cleaning equipment and disappeared behind the elevators closing doors. Even then time hadn't had much meaning and Nari couldn't tell how long it had been since the lady had left when the sound of her ringtone started blaring from her pocket.
It took her a while before she gained enough motivation to pull her phone out of the pocket of her hoodie, turn it over and look at its screen. By that point the ringing had stopped replaced by a notification for a missed call. The sound of her ringtone started once again allowing Nari to stare at the name lighting up her phone.
Rising from the bench Nari's hands returned to the pockets of her hoodie, her phone going with them. By the time she'd reached the door to the stairs the sound of her ringtone had stopped. Only now, with one hand wrapped around the door handle, did she remember part of the reason she'd come here.
Her knuckles were knocking against the door before her phone had finished ringing for the third time. There was a moment before the ringing was abruptly cut short and steps could be heard from the other side of the door. Nari hated herself for not smiling when the door was swung open. But even as her friend pulled her into the apartment, closing the door as she did so, Nari couldn't find the energy she needed to greet Nayoung.
The pair stood standing in the doorway in complete silence. Nari could feel the weight of the older girl's gaze, but it felt lighter than a feather compared to the weight of her own emotions.
"Come on, I'll make us some tea."
Nari hated the silence. It gave her thoughts ample time to flood with guilt. But she didn't blame Nayoung for the silence. After all, Nayoung had tried to engage in conversation, if only to ask her how long she'd been waiting outside. Nari wasn't sure she would have been able to answer even if she'd had one. Given her lack of response Nayoung had taken to simply talking about anything as she made some breakfast for the two of them. She'd even commented light-heartedly that she didn't need to ask to know the younger girl hadn't eaten. However, once she'd finished with the food and drinks and waited for Nari to take the first bite before beginning herself, the room had been filled with a suffocating silence. Silence that was her own fault.
"Can you tell me what happened?"
When Nari had sat up in her bed, barely two hours ago, she'd been certain it was impossible for her to shed anymore tears for a least a month. It only took six words to prove her wrong.
"I'm sorry ... I'm sorry .... you don't ..... I shouldn't .... I'm so sorry."
Words tumbled out of Nari's mouth. A moment later she felt her friends arms encase her in a comforting hug. At first she thought she wouldn't be able to stop her tears and ragged breathing. But the more she recounted everything the more regulated her breaths became. Until finally, she had enough energy to form a coherent sentence.
"I'm sorry for dumping this on you."
"Hey, it's okay. You know I'm always here for you."
"Thank you."
Nari turned to look at Nayoung as the older girl pulled her arms away from her. Her small smile held with it a sort of comfort that reminded Nari how good of a leader she had been for I.O.I.
"Okay, I know this is going to be hard for your stubborn self to accept but those guys are your friends and right now they're probably more concerned for you than they are angry at you."
A frown formed on Nari's face but Nayoung reached forward picking up her phone before she could even open her mouth.
"You see how many more calls you've gotten since you turned your phone on silent?"
She was right. Nari's phone screen revealed over 10 missed calls from various members. Unfortunately, this knowledge only aided in her belief that the boys would be beyond angry at her when she finally dragged herself back to the dorms. And rightfully so in her opinion.
"Just tell them the truth. And I know, I know, easier said than done, but I seriously can't imagine them not forgiving you," seeing the look of disbelief on Nari's face Nayoung added, "and if for some reason they don't understand and you feel like they are annoyed at you then I'll pick you up and you can stay here for as long as you need."
Nari knew Nayoung's words should have been a comfort to her. Instead they only added to the guilt she was feeling. Not only had she treated her members so horribly, now she'd gone and potentially uprooted the older girls life. All just because she was too much of a coward to talk with her friends.
"Don't you have a date today?"
As if her guilt was some sort of superpower Nari remembered how Nayoung had texted her a week or so ago about a guy she'd met on set for the latest variety show she'd filmed and how the date she'd taken her on was amazing. Of course Nari had eagerly asked if they were going on another sometime soon.
"That was yesterday, idiot."
The way Nauoung's face lit up as she laughed almost made Nari smile. It even gave her a small enough boost of energy to reply light-heartedly.
"Sounds like you had fun. ... Sorry I ruined your mood."
Nayoung scoffed at Nari’s comment. Waving her off with ease.
"The only thing you ruined are your feet from walking all the way to my place without socks. Come on, I'll give you a lift back to your dorms."
Upon Nayoung's suggestion Nari had spent the trip listening to the messages the boys had left her. Of course her friend had been right. None of their messages seemed to hold even the slightest hint of anger. All Nari had read and listened to were words of anxiety and concern directed towards her. Yet, her guilt only seemed to grow.
It took Nari at lot longer than it should have to leave the car. Then, as she watched Nayoung pull out of the spot where she'd parked, Nari was beyond tempted to wave and yell out for her to come back. But that would just be prolonging the inevitable. Still, Nari found herself taking the stairs instead of the lift. The extra time didn't help her though. It only gave her mind more time to overthink.
For the second time that day Nari found herself standing outside a closed door, debating on whether or not she should enter. More than anything she wanted to turn around, leave the door unopened and simply run away. But that would be prolonging the inevitable. And she'd done enough of that already.
A sigh escaped her as Nari let herself into the apartment. As the door opened Nari heard the onslaught of voices belonging to her members. But instead of focusing on what they were saying, she directed her attention to removing her shoes. She wasn't surprised that she could see the beginning's of new blisters. The discovery only furthered how annoyed she was at herself.
Too focused on her task, Nari didn't notice the sudden quiet that surrounded her until it was broken.
"Where were you?!"
"Why didn't you answer any of our messages?!"
"What were you thinking?!"
Nari could feel the guilt piling up inside of her. She couldn't bare to meet the gaze of her members. So she focused instead on putting her shoes away with her now shaking hands. Clenching her fists in an attempt to stop them from shaking seemed to only make it worse and the questions her members were asking her appeared to be affecting her heartrate. She could barely even make out what they were saying over the static in her ears. All she knew was that Jeno, Jaemin and Jisung were the only ones who hadn't spoken.
"Are you okay?"
The slight tremble in Jisung's voice was enough for Nari to finally force her gaze away from the ground. As she stood, her mouth slightly ajar, Nari slowly took in his slouched figure, hands firmly stuffed in his pockets. Even with his gaze directed towards his feet that were busy kicking something invisible Nari could see evidence he'd been crying.
The eight of them stood in silence for so long that when Jaemin spoke his voice was jarring enough to snap her gaze towards him.
"Did you eat?"
His voice didn't sound like it had in his messages. When she'd listened to them he'd sounded stressed and tired, with only the slightest possibility of suppressed anger. Now, however, he just sounded indifferent.
"Come on," Jeno smiled, "Renjun cooked this morning, we saved some for you."
That was all it took for her to break. A smile that she most definitely didn't deserve.
"I'm ... I'm sorry."
She forced her eyes closed in a pointless attempt to halt oncoming tears.
"I'm so sorry."
She furrowed her eyebrows as if it might stop her head from hurting so much.
"I ... I'm sorry I was so rude."
She swallowed as she felt her throat beginning to close up.
"I can't ... I don't expect you to forgive me."
She could hear her breathing becoming more laboured.
"I took out my emotions on you."
She just needed to keep breathing in and out.
"None of you deserve that."
She just needed to focus on what she needed to say.
"I don't expect you to forgive me."
Even hearing her members move towards her, she couldn't bare to open her eyes.
"But you deserve an explanation."
She just needed to say it.
"I'm leaving."
For the first time in what felt like days Nari somehow found enough energy within herself to muster up a smile as she finally opened her eyes, looking up at her concerned members.
You don't need to have read Don't Let Go Of My Hand beforehand but I recommend you do if you want to since it adds context.
Word Count: 1.5k
Warnings: alcohol consumption, swearing, Nari being rather rude with her members
The liquid slid down Nari's throat, but the burning sensation was long gone. The bottle she was holding clunked back onto the table. A moment later her head followed suit. Nari let her bleary eyes open. Was the world titled because her head was resting against her arm? Something between a laugh and a grunt came out of her mouth at the absurd thought. From this new angle Nari could see the small glass she'd given up on some time ago. How long had it been? She'd probably had 3 or 4 bottles at that point. Or maybe it was only two? Besides the half empty one sloshing around in her hand it looked like there were 5 other bottles in front of her. Or maybe it was just 3? Her brain had been known to play tricks on her before.
"Nari? What are you doing up?"
Nari didn't think it was possible for her mood to get any worse, but the voice coming from the hallway proved her wrong. As the light in the room turned on the girl heard a rather loud sigh that she was pretty sure exited her own mouth. A chuckle soon followed as she forced herself to sit up. It definitely wasn't her head resting against her arm that had made the world tilted. Looking at the person who seemed to be growing taller every second, Nari couldn't quite pick out their face. There was only a one in four chance they were Jisung, maybe offering them the rest of the bottle would be enough to save her from whatever annoying rant they were coming up with right now.
"Excuse me?"
It was only when Nari heard his angry words that she noticed her arm, and the bottle attached to the end of it, was outstretched. She must have said her thoughts out loud without realising. Seemed like the sort of dumb sh*t she'd do.
Nari sat bored in the resounding silence that followed. At least it gave her time to realise it was Jaemin that was glaring at her. How long had he been standing there glaring at her? Probably like a minute, right? That seemed like a logical amount of time.
Taking his silence as a no, Nari shrugged her shoulders and withdrew her arm. However, instead of feeling the tip of the glass bottle against her lips Nari found her arm lightly flopping onto her face. Her eyebrows furrowed as she withdrew her hand and glared at it accusingly. She knew it wasn't her hands fault. But she preferred the idea of having a stare off with her useless extremity over paying attention to whatever Jaemin was saying.
She reckoned she could have lasted the stand off for a while longer had it not been for Jaemin rudely slapping her hand back down onto the table.
"Yah, Yang Nari! Are you even listening to me?!" Jaemin snapped.
"No, shove off."
Jaemin took a step back, retracting his hand as he did. Under different circumstances Nari would have probably looked up at his face in an attempt to figure out what was going on inside his head. Right now though, she really didn't care.
Nari could feel her scowl growing in intensity the longer the silence between them persisted. She'd already offered Jaemin an olive branch in the form of her remaining Soju. What more did he want from her? He'd probably mentioned something earlier while he was ranting. Thankfully, she hadn't been paying attention.
The sigh Jaemin let out came as a relief and Nari found the motivation to raise her gaze to meet his. She couldn't help the slight smirk that made its way onto her face. His arms were crossed. That was never a good sign.
"Fine." Jaemin uttered, his arms falling while his glare remained unmoved. He began to walk towards her, his gentle grip on her upper arm contrasting the harsh tone he'd just used.
Knowing it would be impossible to argue with Jaemin at that moment, Nari let him pull her out of the chair she'd been slumped in. Before she'd fully left the table her eyes were drawn back to the mess strewn across it. Particularly to the bottle she'd offered Jaemin a few minutes ago. However, as the arm he wasn't supporting reached forward in a futile attempt to savour the last of her drink, Jaemin was quick to grab the bottle before she could.
"You've had enough."
Nari could feel her expression go blank for a moment, allowing her brain enough time to catch up with his words. Then she smiled. Her body lurched forward from the weight of the laugh she let out. She felt her hip bump against the table as she sloppily used it for support whilst the world spun, this time in an anti-clockwise direction. But the pain didn't hurt as much as Jaemin's pitiful gaze did.
"Are you my mum now?"
"What?" Jaemin laughed, clearly finding no humour in the situation.
Nari rolled her eyes as she took a step forward, her arm reaching out for what was rightfully hers. But right then the world decided to rotated back to how it normally looked. She hadn't been expecting that. Nor had she been expecting Jaemin to lift the bottle of soju out of her reach. She felt a hand quickly grip her side as she struggled to balance on ground that was sloped a moment ago.
"Yah!"
Her flailing hand must have hit something as a moment later Nari was standing by herself, her body having finally gotten used to the flat ground beneath her feet. Her eyes met an equally annoyed looking Jaemin before they almost instantly diverted away.
Deciding it wasn't worth the effort, Nari turned her back towards Jaemin her eyes focused on the ground in front of her to make sure she didn't trip. However, before she could make it to the small hallway she again found her plans being interrupted.
"Jaemin? Is everything ..."
Jisung's tired voice trailed off, his body straightening to its full height as he took in the sight in front of him.
"Nari? What are you ... Yah! How much have you drunk?! Do you even know?! Have you seen the time?!"
Nari let her eyes close as she let out a groan, wishing she could bang her head against the wall. But she couldn't. So instead she just continued towards her room.
"I really don't you to scold me as well right now."
Nari was certain her words had come out slurred and unintelligible, so she doubted Jaemin was yelling at her for how she'd spoken. His anger was probably due to her shoving Jisung to the side so he wasn't blocking her from the final few steps between her and her bedroom.
She could still hear him talking to her as she shut the door, not caring about the noise it made. All she wanted to do was collapse on her bed and forget everything. Her eyes found the welcoming softness, only to focus on seven of the plushies situated atop her blankets. The ones she'd gotten on her 18th birthday (17th international age). The ones from her members.
In a second her vision became blurred. The tears coming as a relief to her flushed face.
She didn't know which plush she picked up first. Nor did she care. She just wanted them gone. It didn't matter where they landed. As long as they were out of sight. She couldn't deal with the reminder of what she would soon lose. What she had already lost.
She couldn't have been lying on her bed for long when she heard a quiet knock on the door. She wasn't sure how she heard it over her own wails but she heard it nonetheless.
"Nari-yah?"
Jeno's voice was full of concern. A stark contrast to how Jaemin and Jisung had sounded a moment ago. She could hear his footsteps, gentle and slow as he approached her bed. It was only when his hand reached out towards her that she really realised what he was seeing.
"Go away."
Jeno retracted his hand for a second, but it was back a moment later. She could see his own eyes flooding with concern and distress. She hated it. So instead of welcoming the comfort she desperately wanted Nari found herself slapping his arm away, pushing him away from her and towards the door. His mouth opened but she spoke before he could even form one syllable.
Quick Note: When reading the 'Clips' in the following post:
Section Titles/Indicators will look like this:
or this
Descriptions of the video images/footage will look like this
On screen commentary made by the video editor will look like this
Intro:
On May 22nd 2017 SM Entertainment decided it was a good idea to debut Yang Nari as a soloist
(Spoiler alert: It was a good idea)
A slightly less good idea was sending her to do promotions and attend award shows BY HERSELF
Consequently she has now been officially adopted by all your favs
2017 Asian Artist Awards
Blurb
Nari didn't know what to do.
After receiving her award she'd gone down the path she'd been taught to follow backstage. She'd meet with her manager who'd congratulated her and lead her back to the seating area after a quick touch up of her makeup. But as soon as Nari had walked back into the artist area consisting of round tables she was lost.
She'd been on auto pilot. Ready to follow her leader back to their seated area. Except this time she didn't have a leader with her. It was just her. She was by herself amongst all these artists and she couldn't for the life of her remember where her table was.
Her frantically searching eyes caught Mingyu making his way towards her. With each step her wishes for him to not have noticed her were getting more and more dire.
"Who are you sitting with?"
"Yoona sunbaenim." Nari whispered after bowing to her senior artist. Nari waited a moment as Mingyu straightened himself and looked around the area of artists.
"Ah, she's over there, just behind Super Junior." Mingyu said with a warm smile as he pointed Nari in the right direction.
Nari quickly gave Mingyu a deep bow of thanks, repeatedly whispering her gratitude before she began to make her way back towards the table she'd been assigned to sit at. Letting out a sigh as she finally sat down.
Clip
Members of Seventeen are all calmly sitting at their table when Nari comes out of the door leading to backstage. Nari visibly freezes for a moment (after turning around as if expecting a member to come out of no where).
Follow the leader to my table ....
... Oh yeah I'm alone.
Where the f*ck is my table?
(idk what Vernon's doing)
Wozi elbows Mingyu and points to her. Mingyu gets up and walks over to Nari.
Nari looks lost.
Ur right. Better go help.
A few members of Seventeen and Wanna One (who are sitting at the table next to them) turn their heads at the sudden movement.
Oh no I was noticed.
Mingyu explaining where Nari's table is.
Much bows, many thank you.
Wozi begins talking to the members closest to him who then begin to smile.
Wozi explaining.
SVT literally finding this so adorable.
Wanna One confused af.
(I still don't know what Vernon's doing)
Mingyu comes back to his seat after a quick talk with Nari as she begins to make her own way back to her seat. Once seated Jun gestures the height difference between Mingyu and Nari causing a handful of Seventeen members to let out giggles.
Meanwhile Jun: haha she smol
~
2017 Mnet Asian Music Awards (Hong Kong)
Drabble
Nari wished she was allowed to bring her lyric book with her when she was seated at these award shows. Although she normally had her members with her during the seemingly endless time spent seated before and after the award show, NCT 127 were going to be opening this years ceremony. Because of that Nari had been left alone, surrounded by the white noise of fans chatter and laughter as they all waited for the evening to commence.
"You look really lonely right now."
Nari snapped her head sideways before quickly bowing to her senior artist. Even though the two knew each other it was still important to show respect, especially with the hundreds of thousands of eyes that surrounded them.
"Why do you sound like you're trying not to laugh?" Nari whined in response, watching D.O. let out a short laugh.
"Because I am trying not to laugh. Seriously you look so small sitting on this long bench all by yourself."
"You're not even that much taller than me, and I'm not even an adult yet. I bet I'll grow taller than you in a few years."
"Yah!" D.O.'s fiery response? cause Nari's to laugh as she felt him shove her slightly. Caught up in her laughter Nari almost failed to notice another member of EXO making their way over to the section where NCT would be seated with her after their performance.
"Yah why did you abandon us? I swear you like Nari more than your own team."
Nari's bow quickly turned into a body consuming laughter as she took in Chanyeol's words. Giggling as D.O. glared at both her and the adorable giant.
"I couldn't just leave her by herself whilst everyone else has someone to talk to."
Even though Nari didn't really mind it was true. Even the soloists were seated together, making conversation as they waited.
"It's okay. I don't mind."
"No seriously though. You looked really funny sitting here all by yourself. I can't wait to see the fans photos." Chanyeol mused.
Clip
The section for idols has the artists seated in rows that are curved slightly and laid out like a shell shape. Whilst the idols are all seated in their groups (with the soloists sharing a row) Nari is seated taking up one whole row to herself (she later shares the row with NCT 127 but they were the opening act so they weren't seated during the time before the ceremony began)
Idols just chilling. Chatting together and interacting. BTS doing whatever that is.
*(The audio is of the meme "Why are we still here? Just to suffer ..")
D.O. looks over his shoulder a few times to look in Nari's direction. Nari remains seated with a blank face.
Why is she alone?
Still alone?
Has no one else noticed?
Is she okay?
What is she thinking?
Meanwhile Nari: Do penguins have knees?
D.O. whispers to Chen who he is seated next to before standing up and going over to sit next to Nari. Chanyeol looks up in confusion when D.O. stands up
Time to go check on the child.
Where is the penguin going?
Do penguins even have legs or are they just ... oh hey it's D.O.
WAit he is a sunbaenim remember to bow. Nice. High five Nari.
D.O. starts talking to Nari and the two begin to laugh and smile a bit as they make conversation. Chanyeol looks over at D.O. as he walks over with a very dramatic pout before noticing where he is going and showing understanding and smiling. He then suddenly stands up and makes his way over to sit next to D.O.
Wait he went to talk to Nari without telling me? RUDE
Happy Nari, Happy D.O., ENTER POUTING GIANT
In the background sitting behind Nari is GOT7 who watched the whole thing unfold
Meanwhile GOT7:
Kid looks kinda lonely
Should we talk to her?
Oh wait it's okay EXO gonna talk to her it's fine
Wait yo what is Chanyeol doing?
LOL these guys are almost as weird as us.
They are so adorable tho
Nari is v cute
*Yugyeom whispering* Yeah but do penguins have knees?
~
2018 Golden Disc Awards
Clip
Nari sitting next to IU with Heize and Suran on the other side of IU in the solo artist section. Heize and Suran chatting with IU, IU notices Nari just sitting there in thought. IU leans over to initiate conversation with Nari.
IU: Begins to make small talk
Nari: wait is someone speaking. Frick. Humans. I don't like humans ... wait this is IU?!
Nari looks around a bit (trying to figure out if IU is talking to her) before her eyes widen and IU smiles and they begin to make conversation with Nari visibly not saying much
Oh my goodness IU SUNBAENIM!
Wait I don't know how to talk to humans. QUick, Mark, TAeyong how do I make conversation...... oh yeah they're not here. HELP
~
Video Conclusion
And finally in case anyone was wondering why Nari isn't Taeyong's favourite child:
22 23!
How can one chose between their 23 children?
~
a/n: Hey, this is my first time attempting a video formatted post so I'm really sorry if it's not that good or it's hard to understand. I was just enjoying experimenting with formats and other things and I enjoyed writing it so I'm happy haha. Hopefully it's still a decent read. I would really love any feedback! In the meantime I'll listen to BoA's song "Feedback" ehhe. 💚
