Chapter XII “ Feel safe”
When Írimë opened her eyes she felt dizzy and weak, her head was spinning and her vision blurred. Little by little, her vision cleared and Loki’s bright eyes were there to illuminate her. She smiled at him but still felt very far away.
-You’ve come back …
He told her with a charming smile.
She tried to sit up on the bed and did it slowly, loki put a cushion behind her back.
-Thank you…
She told him while frowning confused.
-What happened to me?
Loki raised his eyebrows.
-I expected you to explain that to me.
She looked at him and shook her head in a gesture of denial.
-I can not remember, I just know we got to that place where Heimdal was and … that’s all …
Loki sighed and turned to a small table next to him took a jug and offered it to her.
-Drink, it will do you good.
She took it and he brushed his thumb over the edge of her hand, she watched him do that and he smiled. She did not say anything else, she was too stunned to reason if that had been intentional.
She drank, that drink was really horrible and she coughed when she tasted it.
-I know, it’s unpleasant but I ordered it to be prepared because I know it’s good, it’s a recipe from my mother for when you drink too much, I never told her but in spite of being so horrible it always worked with me …
And a feminine and sweet voice was heard from the door.
-Well, you always have time to find out about things …
She was the queen, Írimë wanted to get better while she was saying:
-It’s delicious … your majesty. Loki smiled when he heard it.
-You do not have to be nice dear but it’s true what my son says, if it worked with him it will work with you …
Loki looked at her annoyed because he understood his mother’s sarcasm, his control over the drink was one of those things he would not brag about.
She sat next to Irime and smiled. Loki hastened to say:
-We must postpone meetings with Odin until she is better …
Frigga looked at Loki and smiled sweetly, did that sound like he was worrying about her?
-I have spoken with Odin and he will take advantage of this moment to accompany Thor on his trip.
Írimë looked at Loki instinctively but he calmed her with a negative gesture of his head, and the queen also hurriedly calmed her down.
- They will not go to Jotunheim ..
Irime regained her composure.
-They will go to East and the king sends you his respects and his wishes that you better soon.
Irime shook her head gratefully and the queen looked at Ìrimë and said:
-Loki told me that you fainted.
The young woman remained very dazed but tried to answer.
-I can not remember what happened to me.
-Surely you are tired and the responsibility that lady Elbereth has left you weighs on you, but it is a great job that you have been commissioned.
-I know.
Said Ìrimë trying to smile.
- Have you had any fainting previously?
She shook her head.
The queen did not mention the strange episode that Loki had told her because she did not want to disturb her, if she could not remember that she had a reason.
Frigga took carelessly while speaking a cloth and rinsed it in the vessel that was on the table while smiling.
- Sometimes fatigue does those things, when I was younger I used to feel very weak, well, raising two children so active is not easy.
She saidit laughing and it looked like she was trying to cheer her up.
-It is exhausting, hold a baby, feed it …
She said while she soaked the cloth and folded it, Ìrimë and Loki watched her in silence.
- You have held a baby in your arms Ìrimë?
The queen’s words took her by surprise and she was still dazed but that memory hurt her soul again.
-Once…
She said sadly.
Loki looked at her but she avoided his gaze, fearing he would discover her pain.
-Then you know what I’m talking about.
Irimë smiled heavily.
-Well, let me see … what do you have. She said when he had finished soaking that cloth.
The queen was famous for her healing gifts, it was obvious that Loki had gone in search of her to help Irime, really that in the house of Heimdall had left him very worried.
Frigga approached Irime and smiled warmly.
-You let me?
She said bringing that wet cloth to her face, Írime nodded and Frigga wiped her face with that cloth that felt warm and comforting.
Then she left the cloth on the table next and smiled again while putting her open hand on the girl’s forehead.
Irime closed her eyes, the queen did the same, after a few seconds Frigga sighed.
-Poor girl…
She said almost in a whisper, Loki looked at her frowning.
-There is so much pain inside you …
When he heard her say this he reached for Irime’s hand and took it gently, she shuddered to feel it but did not move, she responded to that touch and both hands tightened warmly.
Then Frigga became serious, her face had completely changed, Loki became more frightened and whispered very slowly so that Irime could not hear him
-What happens mother?
The queen did not respond, she continued with her eyes closed and her hand on Irime’s forehead.
Her gesture was difficult to translate into words, it was as if little by little, a sweet happiness began to modify the hard and sad contours of her face, she, who was so beautiful, had always looked sad and exhausted, from time to time radiant Queen was seen and everything gleamed around her with her presence, but most of the time she was in darkness. This description could be very similar to the description of Irime herself, whose beauty was evident but it was hidden behind her shadows.
Loki saw that her face seemed to want to draw a faint smile, her soul was smiling, that was what her face tried to reflect, but Loki felt confused and worried about that strange silence that told him so many things.
And after a few seconds she opened her eyes and stared at her as she pulled her hand away from her, Frigga had wet eyes.
Irime also opened her eyes and raised her head, Frigga was still staring at her, both ladies kept their eyes one on the other for several seconds.
After Frigga sighed, she smiled as if she felt deeply relieved and standing up she kissed the forehead of the bewildered Istari with sweetness and approaching her ear said softly:
-Welcome Home…
Irime frowned, Loki had not heard the words of the queen but was extremely confused by her attitude.
Frigga and Irime looked at each other for a few seconds and then the queen stepped away from her and bowed her head.
The queen had bowed to her and in that gesture she had seen a great respect, a kind of deep gratitude that Irime did not understand but could feel in the depths of her soul. After Frigga looked at Loki and said.
-Nothing bad happens, she will be fine … something tired, it’s all …
Loki looked at Frigga because he had noticed that she had seen something and that something had changed her sad look for a brighter one that he had almost forgotten, a look that had been in the past, many years ago, a happy look.
Frigga apologized and went to the exit of the room, Loki pressed once more the Irime hand and with a sweet caress released it saying:
-I’ll be right back…
He escorted Frigga out of the room and once he had closed the door he looked at her severely.
-Do you tell me what happens?
She sighed and stroked sweetly Loki’s face
-Nothing…
He put his own hand on his mother’s
-You can not fool me … I’m better than you with the deceptions …
She smiled at his words
-You have attributed yourself the fame of the God of deceit that Odin has been given to you in Midgard …
-Go well with me …
Frigga shook her head as she disapproved
-Maybe a little but you are much more than that Loki … you are wise, you are good, loyal, you have a noble heart … you deserve that someone treats you like all that and not just like someone who does pranks to have fun …
-Tell this to Odin not me, I just want to know what you saw in Írimë.
-What I saw in Irime is not bad, what I see in you is that you are worried about her.
-She lit up like a torch up there and spoke in a language she does not know and said things that I could not understand, then she fainted and now she does not remember anything, of course I’m worried about her!
The queen nodded and tried to calm him down.
-Believe me please … She is a different being from us, her nature is something that we may not understand, but she is well,
Loki sighed but shook his head at her words.
-Your look changed … you saw something you do not want to tell me and I do not know why you behave like that, like Heimdall, you both know something you do not want to talk about and I’m going to find out what it is …
He said firmly.
-Maybe that is what must happen, that both find out …
She said and returning to caress his face and she left, Loki stood there, took breath, he was very upset.
She had made a few steps when she stepped and turned to Loki.
-Stay with her … do not move away from her side.
She said to him and he looked at her even with his brow furrowed but he nodded, he felt that she was wanting to tell him something else with her words. She sighed and smiled again, after this she walked away.
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When he returned to Irime, he gave her a smile.
-She has those things, she is irritating when she wants …
Írimë smiled.
-I’m discovering that the most special people can be very irritating too …
Both looked at each other in silence after this confession.
-But there was something in her …
Irime said thoughtfully.
-A kind of sweetness that … I do not know but it gave me a lot of peace … she felt a deep peace …
And sighing she looked at Loki who was also watching her thoughtfully
-I can do things like that …
She said almost apologizing
-Some times … I get to feel what others feel … it’s not just on purpose … it happens …
-I will try to remember that …
He said with his wicked smile again, Irime smiled again
-But you look better … at least you’ve recovered your color … She nodded and suddenly that memory that had brought to her memory Frigga shadowed her again, Loki noticed it.
-Well, it’s not that I have your gift but it’s not hard to feel your sadness.
She looked at him in silence.
-And you do not have to say anything you do not want, I understand that, but only if you want …
He said and she felt that she could talk to him about it, somehow she knew it, after all he had made a big confession, she could give him back the trust.
And she sighed.
-I am an Istari, I have been created with a specific mission, all my people have been created with a purpose, we are the guardians of the souls of the mortals who have an influence in the course of the destiny of the universe, each istari must join a mortal, not any mortal, a special mortal …
And she took a breath before going on, Loki sat back in his seat to listen
- Sometimes Iluvatar, the creator, unites us to that mortal, sometimes …
And she made another pause.
-We sometimes choose him ourselves …
Her words were haunted by silence and this told Loki that it was extremely difficult to express for her, he felt honored, it was something very unusual that someone to place such trust in him.
-Once this happens, the Istari never … never separates from that mortal, remains at his side … forever …
Her eyes filled with tears, she used to remember that story every second of her life but she had never done it out loud. - Many years ago, in a temple in Jotunheim I … I found that mortal, it was …
And her tears mingled with a sweet smile, it was as if she was seeing the images of what she was telling.
-It was a beautiful baby Jotun … as beautiful as the night itself, so pure … it was the sweetest thing I had ever seen in my life … I was very small but I chose it … I knew I wanted to join him … He was alone in the middle of a war and I protected him for three days … I cradled him, I sang songs to make him happy, I held him in my arms so he would not be afraid … those days were those that made my life worthwhile, time stopped happen when I was separated from him. …
Irime could not take it anymore and broke, Loki came closer to her side and although with many doubts the beginning, he put his arms around her and she rested her head on his chest.
-From then I do not know where he is, I do not know if he’s okay, I can not reach him … I looked for him in vain … I could not found him, I … I do not know why he did it, because Iluvatar separated me from him, that should not happen … I had to protect him… but I failed …
Loki frowned when he heard her, he did not fully understand everything she said but he knew that it caused her a terrible pain. He thought that this was not the time to find out anything else, she just needed to talk and he was going to listen to her. So he held her, there on his chest, he held her next to him while she cried, like a little girl, maybe that same girl who had been in that temple that time, she cried because she needed to do it, and he tried to be strong.
He held her there and held his arms until she began to calm down. He felt that she really cared, he did not understand why he did not want to understand, he knew that he had to move her away from his shadows but something profound and irresistible drew him to her, something he had never felt for anyone and feared that he did not know any tricks to escape from that.
She took a deep breath and wanted to hold back that moment, she felt safe in his arms, safe … that feeling was absolutely new to her but she knew that it was the most valuable feeling she had felt in a long time.
Then she recovered her breath little by little and looked at him, their eyes met again in the silence, her desire to kiss him returned but she knew that he had moved away once, so she tried not to think about what she was feeling, she tried of refusing to admit that she wished with all her soul that he would kiss her.
Then he said in a sweet and calm voice
-I do not know who is Iluvatar, I do not know why you were separated from that child or because he was alone in the middle of a war but if something helps you I’ve been abandoned too, I have no memories of my chilhood before arriving in Asgard but I remember a voice It was a clear and sweet voice that sang a song whose music is in my mind but I can not repeat … At first I thought it was Frigga’s voice but I discovered that it was not … someone loved me before I got here and even though I did not I can remember nothing, I remember that voice and in the darkest moments, I try to think about that, I try to bring that melody to my memory and the shadows disappear … Irime looked at him and tears kept coming from her eyes.
- Maybe you did not fail, who knows if he does not remember those moments with you and that has helped him to survive?
Irime looked at him and her soul lit up, for the first time in her life she knew what it meant to hold on to something real, solid, he was telling his story and giving shape to a tangible hope, maybe that was possible.
She did not realize that his face had come close enough so that she could feel his warm breath but when she noticed her heart burst into thousands of colored notes, she let herself be carried away by the tide of desire that he caused her to she and could almost feel his lips on hers while the little Irime´s heart said: - “Maybe he reminds me … maybe he’s fine …” - The heart of the adult Irime repeated “-Kiss me, I want to be with you forever …-” and even when she couldn’t understand this she was carried away by that new feeling that completely flooded her.
Loki wanted to press her against his body and kiss her with passion, he had already felt this once and now he was feeling it again with much more strength. His soul was on fire and while he thought: “-I would like to kiss you so much … I wish we could be together and be happy at last … you and me …-” His mind told him that this was impossible, if he felt something good for her, then he should let her go.
She could have heard his thoughts but she did not want to discover that he did not feel the same, from that moment both would stop entering their minds for the same reason.
At last Loki stopped again and bowed his head while with his nose brushed her cheek, as if it cost him so much to get away but he was forcing himself to do so.
írimë tried to regain her composure, and it was almost enough for her, to feel the touch of his skin on hers. She closed her eyes to feel his caress and when they moved away from each other she opened her eyes and tried to smile.
-Thank you…
She said in a whisper.