As I sit here staring at the screen my heart starts to thud. The anxiety builds because I hate exposing the things I hide. I have ran home for a few days and do not want to face what waits for me when I get back from this escape. People are telling me different things and my heart is split in half on where to run. I have been in this Bible Study I have loved for 2.5 years and on Sunday I "ditched" an outing that we planned. I have no idea where everything is headed and what will come out of everything. I want to walk with God but I do not have the time for that commitment, so let me do it alone. I know how to meet with Him daily, I know how to pray, and I know where to turn if I need guidance. But is being out what I really want? What if relationships are different with some friends? What if walking with God alone is harder than I think? What will come of the future? As I sit here and think the weight of the world is on my shoulders...what if the decision I must make dramatically effects me? I do not want to make wrong choices, but I know that the greatest have made the wrong choices and have learned much from their mistakes. I am not a negative person, I don't get anxiety often, and I normally have the assurance that everything will work out. Why is it different now? Is it because I have held so much in? Is it because I don't talk about much to others? Why is making this different from all the times I am use to? Why can't I just confidently say yes or no? God are you trying to tell me something? Because if you are...I don't understand. I have to leave home tomorrow and I don't want to go back. I hate how stressed I am this year and how much I have been missing my family. I need my mom close to me. I sit here and ramble and type on, not even exposing deep parts of my heart...I don't know why. I wish I could just cry for however long I needed to with no one saying anything. No one telling me to be strong....because I don't want to be right now. With no one saying they know how I feel...because they don't. And as I write this I can't even cry like I wish I could because I am too good at hiding things from other people as well as myself. So this doesn't even feel real, except I have the feeling inside me of anxiety and fear that snaps me back to reality and a reminder that this is my life. God I know you are out there and you know the depths of my heart, but make this make sense. Let me know what your will is...I can trust you. Give me the strength to deal.
